229It was late at night, and the candle on Kíli's desk was burning low, but he gave no mind to sleep. He had no mind for anything, it seemed. He hadn't had an appetite all day, and when Flán had asked him to come out to the main hall and drink, he had turned him down. He felt a bit guilty about that. Flán was one of his best friends, and he had looked crestfallen when Kíli had turned him down, but Kíli was in no mood for revelry tonight. Not when Fíli was clearly getting worse.
That was how it looked, at least. Kíli had thought that their mother's arrival would have pulled Fíli out of his shell—that he would feel comfortable talking to her if he could not talk to anyone else, maybe tell her why he shut himself away so often. But instead, Fíli had remained silent, and today was the fourth day in a week that he had not answered the door when Kíli knocked, which had not happened in at least a month or two. Kíli had trudged through the rest of the day feeling quite lonely, even though he had Flán, Gimli, and Ori to keep him company. It just wasn't the same without Fíli there. It never was.
Truth be told, the past five months had been the loneliest of Kíli's entire life.
Kíli plucked idly at the strings of his fiddle, leaning back in his chair and staring at the ceiling. It was supposed to be a lively tune—and a duet—but he played it slowly, the mixture of pizzicato and a minor key making the room seem even emptier and sadder than before. After a few minutes, he sighed and set the fiddle down on top of the pile of things on his desk and stared at the flickering candle. That certainly wasn't making him feel any better.
Just as Kíli was considering trying to sleep anyway, he suddenly became aware of the creeping feeling of eyes on him. Instinctively, his eyes darted to the knife handle poking out from underneath his fiddle, but then he remembered that he was in Erebor now—anyone who could intrude upon him here was a friend, not a foe. He turned his head to see Fíli standing there, holding onto the doorframe, silent as the grave. He bit his lip, fighting the sinking weight of hopelessness that came when he saw his brother now and the guilt that rose immediately afterwards. At least he was up. At least he was out of his room.
"Hey, Fíli," he said.
Fíli opened his mouth and then closed it and twisted his lips, looking down and taking a deep breath. Then he opened his mouth again. Yet again, he closed it, this time closing his eyes and pressing his forehead against the doorframe.
Kíli sat up a little straighter in his chair and furrowed his brow. "Fíli, what is it?"
Looking back up at his brother, Fíli took another deep breath.
"Kíli," he said quietly.
Kíli sat all the way up now, his eyes widening. He tried to move, but he was frozen to his seat.
"Um," Fíli said, "can I… stay with you tonight? I-I don't want to be alone."
"Of course," Kíli said, finally pulling himself from his seat and taking great strides towards his brother. "Of course you can, of course—yes—of course."
Then he wrapped his brother in a tight hug and started to cry.
"I missed your voice," he babbled into Fíli's golden hair. "I mean, I know you were here with me, and I am grateful for that, but—"
"Kíli."
"But it's been so hard, I've wanted to talk to you about so many things and just have you talk back—"
"Kíli."
"And oh my, we can actually talk about things now, I've been so lonely, I mean, I know it's not your fault, but it's just been so—"
"Blimey, Kíli, you'd think you would let me talk if you missed my voice so much," Fíli said, chuckling. He tightened his hold on Kíli and whispered, "I've missed talking to you, too."
Kíli let out a tearful laugh and pressed his nose against Fíli's shoulder. There were so many things he wanted to say, so many things he wanted to ask, just to hear his brother talk, but now he could not remember a single one of them. Instead, he just onto Fíli for a few moments longer before letting go and pulling him into the room and shutting the door behind him.
"Thanks, Kee," Fíli said, walking to the bed and sitting down. "I… I couldn't sleep." He shifted uncomfortably.
"Me neither," Kíli said, plopping down beside him.
Fíli furrowed his brow and looked at his little brother. "Why not?"
Kíli shrugged, feeling as if he shouldn't say. "I just couldn't."
"Kíli…"
"All right," Kíli said, grinning despite himself. He had even missed his brother's scolding, apparently. "I was worried about you, is all."
Fíli frowned. "You worry too much," he said. Then he nudged Kíli with his elbow. "Especially for someone so reckless."
"Yeah, well," Kíli mumbled, looking down at his hands. "Mum said the same thing."
"That's because it's true."
"I had reason to, though," said Kíli. He looked Fíli in the eyes. "I thought—well, in the past week…"
Fíli sighed deeply, dropping his shoulders as his blue eyes filled with sadness. He pressed his lips together, his eyes flitting back and forth as he thought, but he did not reply. A surge of panic went through Kíli. Don't push him back into silence.
"But you're all right now," he said lightly. "You're speaking. You're fine."
Fíli grimaced. "I'm not, though," he said. "Speaking is easier, now that I've started again… but w-what happened—" He stopped and bowed his head. "It still happened."
"Fíli," said Kíli, but Fíli shook his head, and he stopped.
"Not tonight, little brother," Fíli whispered. "I told Mum and Thorin earlier… I can't do it again. I don't want to talk about it."
"All right," Kíli replied, feeling a little disappointed and left out. But he had waited this long—waiting a little longer wouldn't kill him. Probably. Fíli leaned his shoulder against his brother, and Kíli leaned back.
"Why couldn't you sleep?" Kíli said after a few moments, instantly kicking himself mentally as he realized what a terrible question it was.
"I felt restless," Fíli said. "And alone. I mean, I've felt alone for a while, but I've been trying to stop thinking about w-what h-happened for so long and then I finally talked about it…" He covered his face with his hands and shook his head, his breath hitching. "I know I need to sleep, but I hate using that Elvish stuff, it feels so terrible…"
"I didn't know you hated it," Kíli said.
"Well, how would you have known?" Fíli replied. "I couldn't tell you."
"You could have stopped taking it before," said Kíli.
Fíli let out a short laugh. "And then how would I tell anyone that I needed company?"
"Fair enough," said Kíli. "Well, you're here tonight… and any night hence you need company, you let me know. Or any day. Any time at all."
Fíli smiled softly. "Thanks, Kee." He sighed and looked up at the ceiling. "I guess I could try to sleep now…"
Kíli nodded and hopped up to blow out the candle on his desk and turn down the lamp on his nightstand. Fíli climbed under the covers and pressed his face into the soft pillows, and Kíli quickly joined him. He heard Fíli shift in the darkness.
"I feel like a child again," he said.
"Maybe," said Kíli. "But I liked sharing a room with you. You were always right there."
"And your cold little feet were always on me in the morning," Fíli said; Kíli could hear the grin in his voice, and he made a noise of protest.
"How could my feet have been cold if I'd been in bed all night?" he argued.
"You would get up every morning, go to the bathroom, and then come back and put your cold little feet on my legs," said Fíli. "Are you denying it?"
Kíli thought back and grinned. "All right, maybe I did."
"That's right."
"But you're always grumpy when you wake up."
It was Fíli's turn to protest now. "I am not grumpy when I wake up! I'm…"
"Confused?"
"Foggy."
"Confused beyond all reason is more like it."
"Shut up, you." An elbow found Kíli's ribs in the dark. Kíli narrowed his eyes and slid a cold foot up one of Fíli's trouser legs, and Fíli yelped and pulled away. They both laughed.
They talked for a little while longer—not about anything important, just little things, but Kíli felt joy blossoming in his heart. Fíli may have said that he wasn't fine, but at the moment, he seemed to be doing a whole lot better, and Kíli would celebrate every victory, no matter how small—and this was no small victory. After so long without any change, Kíli had started to lose hope, but his brother had come through whatever had stopped him from speaking; that was certainly something to celebrate. And Kíli had no doubt in his brother's strength to make it through the rest—he was a Dwarf, after all, one of the line of Durin. Their spirits could not be quenched forever.
But, it seemed, their spirits could be dimmed—at least for a little while.
It was the sound of heavy breathing and the touch of Fíli's head against his shoulder that woke Kíli. He opened his eyes to the pitch darkness and furrowed his brow, listening; then, realizing what he was hearing, he pulled himself up onto his knees and quickly lit the lamp beside his bed. Then he turned to Fíli. His brother was curling into himself and gasping, but as far as Kíli could tell, he was still asleep. He took hold of Fíli's shoulder and shook him gently, his heart sinking. Not again.
"Fee, wake up," he said. But Fíli did not wake up. He did not even react to his brother's touch.
"Fíli!" Kíli called, raising his voice and shaking Fíli's shoulder again.
This time, Fíli reacted. He started awake and instantly swung out wildly, his hands making contact with Kíli's arms and chest. Kíli backed away and called his brother's name again, and Fíli stopped as suddenly as he had started and looked up at Kíli with wide eyes, gasping for breath.
"I'm here," Kíli said, coming closer again and resting a hand on Fíli's arm. "You're all right."
Fíli shook his head, his face crumpling, and Kíli felt a tug of fear in his heart. He needed to hear his brother's voice—he could not go back to the way it had been. Not already. Not ever.
"Can you speak?" he said timidly.
Fíli nodded, but he said nothing, pulling himself up and leaning back against the headboard. Kíli watched him and waited a few moments longer, but he simply sat there, staring out at nothing, rubbing his arm and taking carefully controlled breaths.
A desperation rose in Kíli then. He knew from the past months that he should let Fíli be, but he could not help himself. He needed to know what was going on.
"Fíli, please," he said.
Fíli turned to look at Kíli as if he were noticing him for the first time. He swallowed and looked down, closing his eyes.
"I'm sorry, Kíli," he said quietly. "I'm not used to—to talking anymore. About anything."
"You can always start now," Kíli said.
Fíli looked up at him, his brow pulled apart, and took a deep breath.
"I'll try," he said.
"Good," Kíli said, shifting so that he sat facing his brother. "Good. Well, can you tell me… what you were dreaming about?"
Fíli grimaced and pulled his knees up to his chest. "It's the same every time. It's always the same thing."
"The same dream?" said Kíli, frowning. "For months?"
"Not the same dream," Fíli replied. "But the same thing always happens… I mean, sometimes it's the same dream, but sometimes it changes—but every time, in every dream, I can't… I can't stop it, I'm helpless, I'm just stuck there—"
"Stuck where?" Kíli asked.
"It changes," Fíli mumbled, folding his arms over his knees and dropping his chin onto them. "Sometimes I'm on the battlefield… or I'm watching y-you or Thorin and I can't get to you…" He stopped and bowed his head, resting his forehead on his arms. "Wherever I am, I can't stop what's coming. I never can. I can't do anything."
Kíli furrowed his brow and tried to piece together what Fíli was saying, but the picture was not clear. Dreams were dreams, of course, and they didn't have to make sense, but still—
"Why can't you do anything?" he asked.
"Because I can't speak," Fíli said to his knees, his voice wavering. "I can never say a word, I can't even whisper, I open my mouth and nothing comes out…"
"No, in the dreams," Kíli said.
"That's what I mean," Fíli said, raising his head to look at Kíli, his eyes shining with tears even in the low light. "Even—even in my dreams, I couldn't say a word. I just watch while you or Thorin are attacked, or when A-Azog—" He stopped and dropped his head again, shuddering. "I don't want to talk about this anymore."
Kíli was silent as he mulled over his brother's words.
"You've been… living a nightmare… ever since the battle," he said slowly. "That's how it feels, isn't it? It's been the same, whether you're asleep or awake."
Fíli nodded into his arms, his shoulders beginning to shake. Kíli sidled up next to his brother and wrapped his arms around his hunched-up form; Fíli did not respond, but he didn't push Kíli away, either. Kíli sought for the right words to say.
"You can speak now," he said. "That nightmare is over—well, during waking hours. I can't stop it from happening in your sleep, but at least when you're awake—I mean, I know it still causes problems when you wake, but—"
"You're doing a terrible job being comforting," Fíli said, turning his head to look at Kíli with a half-grin. Kíli grinned back.
"I'd agree with you, save for the fact that you're smiling right now."
Fíli truly grinned this time and even chuckled. He lifted his head, wiping the tears off his cheeks, and leaned back. Kíli let him go and leaned back with him.
"I'm not all right, Kíli," Fíli said. "I've gotten better… I'm having fewer nightmares, fewer flashbacks, fewer moments of panic… and I can talk now. I've… I've wanted to be able to talk to you, tell you what's wrong, for months. But I just couldn't, even when I wanted to so badly. So, yes, I am doing better—but I'm still not all right."
"But you will be," Kíli said, nudging his brother gently. "I know you will."
Fíli nodded. "Aye, I think I will," he said. "But it won't be today. It won't be tomorrow. Durin's beard, it probably won't be next week, either. But… I guess… I guess I want to say… I'm sorry."
"Sorry for what?" Kíli said.
"For pushing you away," Fíli replied. "For being such an… an awful brother—"
"Hey, you're the best brother anyone could ever have," Kíli interrupted.
Fíli dipped his head and smiled sheepishly. "Well, I haven't been. I've been so busy trying to avoid everything wrong with me that I kept myself stuck in the middle of it. And I know you only wanted to help—even when you didn't know how."
"Is this a new epiphany, or have you been holding onto this for a while?" Kíli said, casting a sly glance Fíli's way.
Fíli's sheepish smile grew, and he shrugged. "I've always known that you always want to help," he said, "but I… I guess I don't know how to receive it." He sighed. "I don't know how to deal with any of this. I never expected to have to deal with this. So please, Kíli… just… be patient with me. That's all I ask. I know patience isn't your strong suit, but—"
"Hey!"
"You know it's true."
"All right, it is," Kíli admitted goodnaturedly. "But I'll do my best, Fee. I'm… I'm sorry, too. It's just hard wanting to help and not even knowing what is wrong."
"Well, we can talk about that soon, but not tonight," said Fíli. He yawned. "As a matter of fact, I'd like to try to sleep again…"
"Do you need the Elvish medicine?" Kíli said, starting to rise.
"No, I'd rather not," said Fíli. "I think… I think I'll be all right—as long as I've got someone with me."
"That didn't stop the nightmare before," Kíli said, furrowing his brow.
"It might not stop them, but I'll have someone to talk to when I wake up," Fíli said. "And I think that's what I'll need."
"Well, I can do that," Kíli said, taking one of Fíli's hands in his own. "We'll get through this together, brother."
"Aye," said Fíli, gripping his brother's hand tightly. "After all, we've gotten through so much together already."
"One more thing shouldn't be a problem," Kíli said. "Not for us. We're Dwarves, after all."
"Not just Dwarves," said Fíli. "We're sons of Durin."
And here we meet again, at the end of one of my fics. I know this one probably feels a little less satisfying as an ending, but PTSD doesn't magically heal. It requires time, love, and support. Fíli's only at the beginning of that.
That said, I would like to formally introduce you to the beginning of my Everybody Lives AU. This is the first fic in an AU that will hopefully spawn many fics... after all, we have two very special Dwarf ladies to meet and five little dwarflings that need to be born... ;) For spoilers, follow me on tumblr at mistergandalf or just check my Everybody Lives AU tag! You can also find art of this AU on Mhyin's tumblr (mhyinart), as she and I have created this together along with a couple other fantastic tumblr buddies of mine. So if you're worried about this being the end, it's really not. It's actually the beginning. :D
My next fic, however, is not in the Everybody Lives AU. We will be going back in time to before the quest for this next one... as usual, it will be angsty, but this next one is a Kíli whump. Well, I say that now, but we all know I can't help myself when it comes to Fíli. However, as of right now, there are no plans to harm him. All the harm that was supposed to be inflicted upon him in THAT fic actually got sucked out and created THIS one. So now I'm going back to what I have left of the fic I was working on before I started this one and making something out of it. Still working on a title, but keep an eye out for that!
ALSØ ALSØ: Race Against Time books are a thing. Once again, I am making no profit on this project. If you have already requested one, I have your name on a list and I will be contacting you shortly, as soon as I get a copy printed that has the cover in line.
Sorry, this is a lot of notes. Please review! I love hearing what you have to say.