The following documents the likely reactions of die-hard anime shippers everywhere today.
It had been a busy day of fighting crime; saving the past, present, and future; and flirting with all the hotties while kicking the butts of all total losers, including Gallade from Team Raider. Team Charm was exhausted.
"Who would've thought being a magical girl would be such hard work?" Lopunny whined, sinking into a plush, pink cashmere armchair. Gardevoir shrugged and grabbed the remote for their seventy-eight-inch screen 3D TV.
"Let's unwind by watching some Pokémon," suggested Gardevoir. "Although it's a kind of weird show. A world where furless, beige creatures wearing cloths force Pokémon into tiny balls and make them battle? They're running out of creative ideas."
"Yeah!" Medicham agreed. "'Humans?' What a ludicrous idea!"
The music of Pokémon X and Y's theme blasted around their mansion through the integrated surround sound speakers in pristine quality. Medicham folded her arms and rolled her eyes.
"Who are they trying to kid?" she snorted. "The new theme is a total butchering of the original theme! Nothing can ever compare!"
Lopunny waved a hand at her. "Shush, you! It's starting!"
On the hi-def, eighty-three billion-pixel screen, two smoochums wearing absurd wigs squealed about a mechanical baby doll that pooped charms.
"Jesus Christ, commercials are getting absurd!" Lopunny did an ear flip and snorted, "Whatever. In this episode, I betcha anything Dawn comes back and she and Ash make out for, like, twenty minutes!"
"You're out of your mind!" growled Medicham. "Misty flies in and Ash realizes who he truly loves!"
Gardevoir held up her palms defensively. "Now, don't you two start arguing over such trivial matters. Is that any way for us soul sisters to treat each other?"
Both of the girls paused, then sighed and nodded. "I'm sorry," Lopunny said awkwardly.
"No, no, I shouldn't have yelled at you," Medicham insisted.
After nodding approvingly at them, Gardevoir added, "Besides, Ash and May totally belong with each other. Did you guys even see 'Manaphy, Prince of the Sea?'"
There was a long pause, then Lopunny let out a battle cry and launched herself at Gardevoir, Medicham in hot pursuit. The three scuffled and screeched at each other, knocking over furniture and smashing several speakers.
Then, there was a knock at the door. The girls all quickly righted themselves, dusted themselves off, checked in a mirror to wipe off any blood, and pranced down three flights of stair to the door. There, standing in the doorway with a red kid's wagon full of ice cream cartons, was Virizion, smiling good-naturedly. Beside her were Emolga and Dunsparce, the latter of whom was drooling at the sight of Team Charm.
"Pretty...ladies..." he managed, then blushed. "Um...wow."
Knocking him over the head, Emolga snapped, "This is no time for fawning over chicks, man!" Then, to Lopunny, he said, "Sorry we're late. We had to pick up extra ice cream because Dunsparce ate half of it after Chansey rejected him."
"Oh, not to worry, dearies!" Lopunny giggled. "The X and Y Pokémon marathon only just started! Come in, guys!"
Trundling the wagon behind her, Virizion trailed after the others into one of the five elevators.
"Sorry for the mess," Lopunny added once they got into the partially demolished living room. "We got into a fight over which of the girls Ash should end up with."
Virizion's eyes sparkled. "I see. That can happen from time to time. So, how many of you supported Iris?"
An extended silence followed that.
"Uh...nobody?" Medicham offered. Virizion continued to smile, but she began to look strained.
"Oh? So none of you ship Ash with Iris?" she said through gritted teeth.
"What, you do?!" exclaimed Lopunny in shock and horror. "Why, Virizion, say it isn't so!"
"Yeah!" Medicham joined in. "After all, Misty is so clearly Ash's perfect match!"
"Girls, girls," Gardevoir said, "we can agree to disagree, can't we? Ash is such an indecisive man, though we all know he'll choose May in the end."
An attack was fired, and soon, all girls were viciously beating each other up. Emolga sighed and folded his arms.
"Not again," he groaned. "Every single flippin' time..."
Dunsparce had been a daze, staring in awe at the fighting girls, but shook his head to clear it and said, "Well, personally, I think Ash goes with Serena."
The fight promptly halted and the four girls stared at him. Dunsparce shrunk away from their disbelieving expressions. "I – I mean, there's lots of evidence, like them being childhood friends, and Serena having an obvious crush on him, and – "
Gardevoir shook her head slowly and Medicham let out a deep sigh.
"He really doesn't get it, does he?" Lopunny murmured sympathetically.
"I've tried to explain it to him," Virizion said, "but he just doesn't understand."
Medicham crouched to him level and said, "Look, buddy, Serena is just...the worst character ever. I mean, she's too girly, even more so than Dawn; and has no personality, even less than Iris; and she's too desperate and pushy, worse than Misty; and she's more annoying than May. There's no way the writers will ever – "
She was interrupted by the show coming back on, and all the girls quickly dashed over to the TV, sitting cross-legged nicely. Virizion just crossed one front leg over the other. The title was being said by Ash – in Japanese, since they were all flawless at speaking it and because they liked getting their episodes early – and all girls' faces took on blank stares.
The title was 'Ash and Serena's First Date! The Vow Tree and the Present!'
Gardevoir fainted dramatically, while Lopunny began hyperventilating and fanning herself furiously with a hand. Virizion's eyes went wide and she stood and bucked the TV's screen in before dashing across the room and launching herself through one of the oversized handcrafted windows that overlooked the posh garden with five fountains, three storeys below. Medicham started screaming and foaming at the mouth, then ran over to the grand spiral staircase and flopped over onto it. She hit every fine pinewood step on the way down.
Dunsparce cheered. "I told you guys! See, Ash and Serena totally belong!" After receiving no response, he asked, "Guys?"
At this point, Lopunny was spasming on the floor, sobbing loudly. Gardevoir was still unconscious and Virizion's status was unknown. Faintly, Medicham's distant groans of agony could be heard. Dunsparce stood quietly, still awaiting a response. Gently, Emolga patted his back.
"Don't worry about those girls, man," he said. "They're beyond help now." With that, he pulled a carton of ice cream off the wagon, peeled off its lid, and began shovelling artificially flavoured cold stuff into his mouth.