After completing FDTD today, this is going to (hopefully) be my next long-term project. This is my first attempt at a "dramedy," as all of my previous stories have either been mostly drama or mostly comedic. Balancing the two is the goal of this fic and we'll just have to see how it goes.
"This is Evil One, can anyone read me? Repeat, this is Evil One, can anyone read me?"
"Uggggh, I still don't get why we have to do this. I mean, it's like the boss just watched Star Wars and went like, 'hey, those squadron names sound cool. How about I name the members of my infiltration team like that! Except instead of things like "Red" or "Rogue," I'll use the word EVIL. That won't be stupid at all!"
"Watch your mouth, Evil Two. Our leader is one of the WISEST men on the planet. I have no doubt that he knows EXACTLY what he's doing."
"James, are you sure-"
"Ugh, FINE. EVIL ONE, ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?"
"One hundred percent, Evil Two."
"Okay, whatever. I'm in position. This heist should go well as long as Max doesn't do anything-"
Evil Two groaned and looked around at the screens in front of him, examining the security footage throughout the bank. Quickly he found the diminutive purple-haired man on the monitors. He appeared to be kicking around a detached Chrisbot head for some reason. Quickly, Evil Two changed his channel so that he could talk directly to the boss.
"Yo boss. You do realize that you're going to trigger every alarm in the entire building, right?"
"STUPID! NON-EVIL! PANSYBAG OF A HOST! HE IS THE WORST KIND OF EVIL!"
"Sir, you do of course realize that you're making yourself look like even more of an incompetent moron than usual, right?"
"Evil Two, I am providing your paycheck."
"Okay, good point. The vault is set to open in about five minutes. Evil One is currently in the garb of a security guard, meaning you should be able to get into the vault no problem."
"Excellent work, my minion! Soon this bank shall be OURS! MWA HA HA-"
"Shut up! Do you WANT to give yourself away?"
"...sorry." It was quiet a bit before Max whispered "Not sorry" unknowingly into his microphone.
Evil Two changed the channel. Max's nasally voice could really grate on the nerves. To be perfectly honest the only reason Evil Two was there was because of the money. No other reasons. Evil One was a dumbass and had worked with Max before. He sighed, wondering how he'd been reduced to taking orders from a psychopathic manchild with grandiose delusions of conquering the world.
Evil Two leaned forward as Evil One appeared on the screens near Max, key in hand. The safe would be opened and in that safe was a precious gem. How obtaining this gem could lead to world domination was anyone's guess, but if Evil Two had to guess, he'd likely say that Max was only stealing it because he thought it looked pretty.
He certainly wouldn't put it past the midget.
Evil One arrived next to Max, key in hand. Sighing, Evil Two tuned into their conversation, just to see what kind of moronic shit would spew out of their mouths.
"Sir! It's nice to see you again!"
"Of course it's nice to see me! I AM your future evil overlord, after all!"
"Yes sir! I must say, this is one of your most brilliant plans yet!"
"I humbly accept your gratitude, and remind you that it wouldn't have been possible without your help."
"No, it's all on you, sir."
Evil Two groaned, placing a hand to his forehead. Sometimes he wondered if Evil One and Max were in a secret relationship and it was just that no one was telling him. A rather lewd picture came into his head and immediately wished he had some brain bleach. Groaning, he cleared his throat and interrupted their conversation.
"Look, you might not realize it, but we ARE on a schedule. Get a move on."
"Sorry, Evil Two. We won't let it happen again."
Evil One gave a thumbs up to the camera. In his hand he held the key and turned to insert it, however, Max shoved him aside, shouting something about how he should be the one to open it. In his grandiose gestures, Max knocked over a vase nearby.
Evil Two facepalmed as all hell broke loose.
"Shit shit shit shit shit..." Evil Two groaned, quickly pedaling through screens, observing guards come rushing towards Max and Evil One.
"This is Evil Two. The plan has been compromised, repeat, THE PLAN HAS BEEN COMPROMISED!"
"GEE, what gave it away?" A tinny voice came through the speakers.
"Get out of there NOW!" Evil Two yelled, pressing a key. The door opened and behind him several guards walked in, brandishing weapons.
"FREEZE!" One of them yelled, and Evil Two turned around, defenseless. Sighing and gritting his teeth, he raised his hands in the air in surrender.
"Max, if you leave me here..." he growled, before the guard smashed his headset.
Meanwhile, Max and Evil One scrambled for escape.
"EVIL TASER!" Max yelled, shocking the guard.
"Nice work, sir!" Evil One replied.
"You are welcome, minion! Now, let us make our dramatic escape through the window! CHARGE!" Max ran towards the window.
"Sir, I'm not sure that that's the best-"
Max lay on the ground, bleeding, as he had jumped out the window. Which doesn't exactly work the same way as it does in the movies. Max coughed weakly as voices resounded in his head. The darkness surrounded him as he saw Evil One stare at him from the second story hallway. He staggered to his feet, examining the glass cuts on his hands.
He glanced around, still woozy. Failure. The thirteenth failed heist, to be exact. His mother's budget would soon be running out and still he had gained nothing. Somewhere in his overly egotistical mind he probably could have made out an emotion known as regret. But as it was, he just knew that he had a sinking feeling inside him and wasn't entirely sure what it was.
"You're in quite the predicament, aren't you?"
The voice came from behind him, and Max whipped around to face the voice. The figure was difficult to make out in the darkness. In the background, police sirens filled the air.
The figure chuckled. "I represent a very rich and powerful benefactor, who has taken an interest in you, Max. Personally, I don't see it."
"Do I...know you from somewhere?"
"I competed with you. Pahkitew Island. I wasn't the biggest fan of yours," the man said. "But hey! A prior connection is why I was selected for this assignment."
"What is it that you want with my evilness?"
The man stepped towards him and calmly pulled a silenced pistol out of his pocket. He proceeded to shoot two guards that had come up behind Max. "You have potential, Max. You just haven't yet realized it. We can provide you with the best of the best technology and advisers. This is your lucky break."
"What are you saying?" Max asked, still woozy.
It was difficult to tell in the darkness, but the man might have smirked.
"That we could help you conquer the world."
Max's eyes lit up. "R-really?"
The man nodded. "Yes. Really." He extended his hand. "Would you care to come with us?"
Max nodded, a gleeful look on his face as he stepped forward...and promptly fell on his face.
The man sighed and shook his head. "I can tell this is going to be quite the ordeal..."
Ten Years Later
Arranged are some newspaper snippets that tell the story of how Canada, led by former Total Drama contestant Max Vile, managed to conquer the world.
RUMORS OF CONSPIRACY IN CANADA
PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA DECRIES RUMORS, CALLS THEM "DESIGNED TO CAUSE UNREST"
PRIME MINISTER OF CANADA ASSASSINATED
INSURGENT CALLING HIMSELF "MAX VILE" TAKES OVER CANADA
WHITE HOUSE BLOWN UP, MAX VILE SAYS "I DIDN'T DO IT"
NUKES DETONATED IN EUROPE, MAX VILE SAYS "I DIDN'T DO IT"
CHAOS SPREADS AS NUCLEAR FACTORIES ARE SABOTAGED FROM THE INSIDE
U.S, ENGLAND, AND FRANCE DECLARE WAR ON CANADA
U.S IS BOMBED, ENGLAND AND FRANCE GO BOOM BOOM
And so on. As to how Max Vile was capable of capable of almost effortlessly defeating some of the greatest military powers in the world and claiming the entire world for his own, there are many theories. That is to say, there were many theories before the events of today. It almost seemed like something out of an Austin Powers movie, and yet, it was happening. Through surprise, ruthlessness, and the fact that he had no idea what he was doing, Max managed to actually conquer the entire world.
However, when it comes to the matter of his funding the details are a bit more dubious.
There were rumors abound that Max had entered a pact with an underground group that had its hands in everything in the world. Similar but not exactly related to the Illuminati. Of course, in this case, the fact that Max was in charge should have signaled that something was very, very wrong with the world. And not just the fact that a purple-haired moron had nuked half of it.
If Max had indeed allied himself with a generic and mysterious group, then what incentive could they have for keeping him of all people on the throne of power?
After the events of today, I have decided to reveal these secrets. For months, years I have searched for the truth, a reason as to why Max Vile had become our incompetent ruler. This is the story of a vast web of secrets and lies that have existed for longer than we'd care to admit. This is the story of how a grandiose, moronic, psychopathic manchild managed to realize his grandest dreams and actually took over the world.
Only to realize that he was hopelessly, no, pathetically out of his depth.