AN - Hello everybody! I know all my readers are sick of getting updates on stories they've never heard of, but I have good news for the Ingo fans on that front :) This will be a multi chapter fic (my first!) so please bombard me with ideas or comments. I shall update as often as I can, though we all know how good most of us are at keeping that promise. Enjoy, and please leave a review.


The Camping Trip of Doom

By SaintClaire

Chapter 1 – Sven dances in a tent

The crack of midnight

I cannot believe I agreed to this.

30 seconds past the crack of midnight.

What was I thinking? Oh, that's right, I wasn't. This cannot end well. In fact it will probably end with wet knickers, broken toothbrush mugs, traumatised newts and an early Armageddon.

At the least.

11:33 next morning

Packing for the camping trip. Why Jas n' Tom want to celebrate their birthdays together in the middle in of nowhere is beyond me. As in, FAR beyond me.

2 minutes later

Do I take my stilettos? Hmmm, they don't really fit in the bag.

Rang Jas.

"Jas, d'you think I should take my stilettos on this camping trip to Armageddon?"

She hung up. Jazzy is in a vair bad mood, and vair grumpy for someone whose birthday is in 3 days.

I will give her an extra-special present to get her out of her bad mood, and also so she will help me put up the tent Rosie and I are sharing.

40 seconds later

"Rosie do you have the tent we are supposed to be sharing on our camping trip of doom?"

"Oui, mon pally, except Sven is dancing in it."

Knowing Sven, I should have guessed. "How is he dancing in it? Forgive me for being right, but you can hardly kneel in the tent without the ceiling ruining your hair, and Sven is not one for having his hair ruined by a sadistic tent ceiling."

Roro sighed so dramatically it was a wonder she didn't pass out. "Don't use big words you don't understand Gee. He is dancing in it, he poked both legs through the floor, and pulled it up to his hips. It kind of looks like he's wearing an enormous, oddly shaped nappy actually. But he's dancing around in it quite successfully, seeing as the door is zipped shut and he can't see… Actually scratch that, he's fallen into bush, both his legs are sticking up, toodles!" – and slammed the phone down.

What what what?

I have to sleep in a tent that Sven danced into a bush in?

Oh God, I've just realised. Rosie said there are HOLES in the bottom of the tent. We will be eaten alive by voles and sheep and things that burrow through the ground in the night.

Well that's it, I'm not going.

Half an hour later

Hahahaha Angus has pushed Gordy into the toilet. Fatherly love indeed, Gordy is soaking wet.

Libby is trying to dry him with Mutti's hairdryer, but Gordy doesn't seem to like it. Angus finally stepped in to help out, and bit through the cord in one chew, then sauntered off while Gordy made his escape.

WOW, supercat! He is immune to electric shocks! I wonder what would happen if he was hit by lightening. He's mad enough to be wondering around in the middle of a storm.

The phone rang, and since both Mutti and Vati are out making a fool of themselves in the clown car, I graciously answered it.

"What is it, I'm very busy, my cat has just nearly drowned in the toilet."

"Well by all means Gee, get a pair of your fishnet stockings and get him out of there. A toilet is no place for a cat, if he wants a swim you should get him a fish-tank."

Oh for Baby Jesus' sake.

"Dave, neither Angus or Gordy ever get wet if they can help it, they closest they get to swimming is playing 'biff-the-goldfish' in next doors pond. Besides, if we got a fish-tank you can bet Libby would live in it for at least a day, and then it would be broken. We had a bowl fish-tank once, she wore it on her head to pretend she was an old-timey diver and it got there, and Vatti had to hit the back gently with a hammer so it cracked and they could pull it off without cutting her off from all the broken glass." Which, incidently, Vatti sliced his hand on, and had to go the emergency room.

"Fair point well made Gee, but I am not actually calling for an order of a broken fish-tank. I merely ringing out of the goodness of my heart to tell you to bring fireproof clothing. Bonjour, Guten Tag!"

And then the phone went silent.

Fireproof clothing?

What is this?

2 Minutes Later

I refuse to go. Who knows what terrors will roam the woods along with murderous voles and tent-dancing Sven's and pyromaniac Dave's. Well actually, there's only one of each of those two.

Thank God.

5 o'clock

Mum refuses to ring Jas's mum and tell her I have to stay home from the birthday camping trip. This is, as usual, very selfish of her.

"Mum, I will be all alone in the wilderness surrounded by sheep. And VOLES. Is that what you want for your eldest daughter?"

But, as usual, she merely tutted at me and asked to borrow my blue heels for a date with Vatti, since I wouldn't be needing them.

Oh Lord. I shall have to bury all of my important belongings in the back garden to stop people looting them, like in the days of Ye Olde England.

No, that won't work, Angus and Gordy will only dig them up again, and eat them or rebury them somewhere else in the world. And it could be anywhere else in the world. Even Vatti's shed, which I will never, ever go into.

2 hours later

Damnity damnity damn. Mutti has rang Jas's mother and asked if I am supposed to bring anything on the camping trip, and Jas's mother said how much Jas was looking forward to it, and I didn't need anything but a sleeping bag.

I will tell you this for free, and if Jas knew what Dave the Laugh was planning she might not be looking forward to this camping trip quite so much.

1 minute later

But he is my boyfriend now, and I luuuuuuurve him.

30 seconds later

Do I even have a sleeping bag?

30 more seconds later

Oh yes, from that disastrous school trip where we all saw Miss Wilson in the nuddy-pants with her soap on a rope and Nauseating P. Green nearly fell in a peat bog, before the boys all arrived and I fell in a river and broke my bottom.

What a lark that was.

1 minute later

What am I going to do about fireproof clothing?

5 minutes later

Oh I know, I will make a minidress out of that fire-blanket Mutti bought in her ludicrous attempt to make this house 'safe'.

There are condemned buildings that are safer than this house..

10 seconds later

All of this stressful thinking is quite tiring me out.

ZZZZZZZZZ….

Sunday, 9 AM

We leave TOMORROW. I have re-resurrected the statue of our Lord Sandra from Libby's doll house. Freak doll house of horrors more like, with poor, deformed dolls with ratty hair strewn all over the place.

But I am Lord Sandra's saviour, he is now sticky taped to my dresser.

Praying to him for mercy and a safe trip, like Ye Olde pilgrims.

10 seconds later

I highly doubt pilgrims had to deal with newts and pyromaniac Dave the Laugh's though.

1 hour later

Making my fire-proof minidress. Glued on velcro-strips that fasten together at the sides. It is a bit longer than I wanted it needed to be, so I cut of the bottom and made a covering for my hair.

I am really taking inspiration from the Ye Olde pilgrims.

30 minutes later

Success! I am finished!

30 seconds later

Sacre bleu. Not finished. Dress probably shouldn't be strapless.

2 minutes later

Finished! I have made a dress. Perhaps I will become a famous designer, selling my clothes worldwide, even in Hamburger-a-gogo land.

I will not be designing cowboy boots though, and that is a fact.

5 minutes later

Hmmmm. Tried dress on. It is possibly a smidgen too short now.

As in, doesn't-quite-cover-my-knickers too short. Oh well. I will wear my leggings underneath, which I will need anyway, to protect me from the hypothermic English air. At least it has straps to hold it up now.

11 o' clock

Phone rang. Only Ellen dithering on about what to get Jas for her birthday present. Got her off the phone as quickly as I could, saying that Libby was up a tree wearing a pair of old-timey flying goggles and cape, and had tied herself to a rope.

The sad part? I was not lying.

Does she think she's superman?

Everyone else in this family has gender-confusion issues so I suppose I can't be surprised Libby has caught the disease.

Oh bloody hell, she looks like she's about to jump.

Half an hour later

Tee hee hee, Libby has fallen off the tree branch and into the bush. I would be more worried, but the branch was only a meter of the ground, and the bush had all those soft leafy things on it.

That has not stopped her screeching like Gordy when she pulls him by his tail toward the bath. And that is a lot of screeching.

2 minutes later

All is well, Mutti has pulled Libby out of the bush, and she is not even scratched. Hmmm. Angus is immune to electric shocks, and Libby is apparently immune to heights. I wonder what would happen if she fell off the roof?

Would she bounce?

Not that I would want this, of course. I do occasionally love me sister, and I know she LOBES me back.

1 minute later

After all this kerfuffle, I have forgotten what I am supposed to be doing.

2 minutes later

Oh yes, going to buy Jazzy Spazzy's birthday present.

What will I get her?

2 o' clock

Rosie and I met at the shops looking for Jas's birthday present. We have found-slash-made a FABULOUS present, that Jazzy will absolutely love and adore for eternity, or that is what I like to think.

Because it is so very expensive Roro and I have split it between us, it shall be a joint present.

But now we have to lug it home.

Good grief. All this work shall ladder my tights. And then where will I be? With laddered tights, that's where.

What is called 'dinner time' at other people's houses

Ring the bells and blow the trumpets, there is a food-like thing on our kitchen table!

It is also accompanied by a note telling me to cook it and give some to Libby for tea but oh well. It's only creamed rice. How hard can it be to make creamed rice from a packet?

7:30

Oh God. Rice everywhere. Angus is sitting in the saucepan.

Hour later

What a fiasco and a half. There is some food in me, some food in Libby, a lot of food in Angus, and rice all over the kitchen.

Who knew you were supposed to put a lid on rice? Or how much water to put in the pot.

2 seconds later

At least Libbs and I got the mostly cooked stuff.

1 minute later

Hee hee, Angus is covered in creamy rice. Gordy is trying to eat it off him.

30 seconds later

There is no rice on Angus any more, he did the famous mad-cat-covered-in-rice shake and is as clean as a whistle.

Gordy isn't.

Neither is the floor, or the walls, come to that.

But ho-hum, I have a camping trip to pack for, and need to try and wrap Jas's present. Though how will be the question. The feathers might go everywhere.

20 minutes later

Dave rang.

"Gee, do you have an oversize butterfly net lying around your house by any chance?"

What a good question. We could, but you would never know it.

"No idea, but we have many items covered in creamed rice and a clown car that you are more than welcome to sell on Ebay should it tickle your fancy."

"Ta love, but this is specific, I need it for the camping trip, or my wondrous idea will end in disaster and woe!" And with that, he slammed the phone down.

Love?

Has he snapped?

Has he been eating a diet of Sven-food?

Why in the name of baby Jesus does he need an oversize butterfly net?

Must pray I never find out, and that he does not get one.

Later (it's dark, pick a time)

Oh dear. Mutti and Vati have just speeded in at half a mile an hour…

There is still creamed rice all over the house.

Oops.

Oh well. I am trying to concentrate on closing my suitcase, that does not want to be closed.

Ahaha! Finally the suitcase is closed!

Oh dear.

The yelling has started.

2 hours later

Mutti went completely ballisticisms when she saw the state of the kitchen. I unfairly dragged down to explain, but I don't even know why she was complaining. Angus and Gordy had eaten most of the creamed rice of everything, even licking out the pot.

What could she possibly have found to be mad out?

Could it have been the 5 pots on the floor, from when I was trying to find the right size?

Perhaps it was the blackened tile, from that small fire when some of the oil accidently spilled over the gas burner.

Oh who knows. Must try to find a ribbon to wrap Jas's present with.