HP: You Signed Up On the Internet?

By

CatWriter

Disclaimer: Don't own Harry Potter or Constantine, simply because the universe doesn't like me.

Chapter One: The Laptop

Dudley Durseley was an obese teenage boy, whose parents spoiled him quite literally rotten. The boy only knew the word 'no' because it meant he wouldn't have do anything he didn't want to if he used it. Heaven knows his parents simply taught him the word and never applied it to their son. He always had anything he wanted within hours of the request if not faster.

Dudley's latest acquisition was a laptop computer; that was his new greatest thing in the world. Last week it was his cell phone that cost 700 pounds which he threw into a wall and broke when lost at Tetris the first time he played it, and the week before that it was 1000 pound racing bike from France that broke under his girth within seconds of him mounting it. The laptop he thought was great because of the games he could play. Now Dudley was just coming in from summer school, as he had to make up for a year of much bullying and very little studying while away at boarding school.

"Mum, Mum, I'm home." Dudley said as he waddled into the house with his bag which featured his new laptop, he threw the bag against the stairs, then turned said goodbye to his friends and instantly stepped on his bag. Realizing what he just did Dudley grabbed the bag and ran into the kitchen where his mum had just finished his after school snack, which would feed a moderately large village in Africa for week.

"Mum, I think it's broke. It won't come on. I need a new one, have Dad buy me a new on the way home from work." Dudley said after trying the laptop for all of three minutes, he then put the laptop on the floor and reached for his PLATTER of food.

"Diddikins, maybe it's some simple that's wrong with it, I can take to the shop after lunch and have them look at it." Petunia said as she placed a petite salad on her plate.

"But Mum," Dudley whined, "I want a new one, this one will just keep having problems now that's it been broke and it might as well be second hand, do you want me to have a second hand laptop? Aren't I good enough for new laptop? Don't you and Dad love me anymore?" Dudley whined as big fat crocodile tears rolled down his cheeks. He knew he had his mother when the tears flowed. It'll probably have her going to buy him a new one after lunch. He inwardly grinned.

Harry Potter came down the stairs at this time. He had heard the entire conversation from the steps, and he knew like his cousin that he would probably have a new one after lunch. Harry Potter was a wizard, and while he had incredible magical powers he couldn't use them outside of his boarding school, Hogwarts School of witchcraft and wizardry. Still, he did have a knack with electronics, which was unusual for a wizard as their magic usually shorted out anything electronic. Harry though was different, after spending his life with the Durseleys he had developed a way to mute his magic around electronics, this had a two-fold effect. On effect was that it gave him incredible control of his magic, he hid that fact from most people, not wanting to be any more different than he already was. When he had been told of Hogwarts, he thought everyone could control it as well as he could. After the first class in Charms, and then Transfiguration he found that was not the case, so he hid it. Practicing in the rare moments he had alone at school or in the privacy of his room at night here on Privet Drive.

Second effect was that he started to become aware that his magic was growing evolving, in ways he found no one else's did, not even the great manipulator Albus Dumbledore. He found that his magic could affect spirits, he discovered it when Peeves the Poltergeist of Hogwarts played a prank on him one night in first year, while he was testing out his new invisibility cloak in an empty hall way, he was sprayed with whipped cream and chocolate and then Peeves cackled and said he always knew that Harry was a sweet boy. Harry growled at the laughing spirit, waved his hand and Peeves for a brief moment became solid and slammed into a wall. Peeve was shocked and then swore allegiance to the Great Spirit Lord Harry Potter. Harry told Peeves not to tell anyone, and to behave as always. Peeves said he would await his lord's orders behave as always until he was needed. After that night Peeves never pranked Harry again, and bowed discretely to him when he felt no one was looking.

"Well, then throw it out Dudley, I'll get you a new one after lunch, I'm sure Daddy won't mind." Petunia said in a baby voice.

Harry was nauseated, really, he and Dudley would be sixteen soon, Dudley next week and he in a month, the baby voice was just insulting, why Dudley put up with he'd never know, then he thought about it, 'I would put up with it too, if it got me everything I wanted.'

"Aunt Petunia, can I have it?" Harry asked quietly.

"Why boy?"

"Um, just because, and you said wanted to start recycling, so maybe if I can fix it or something I can have it? If not I'll take it to get recycled and save you the trip." Harry said meekly.

"Hmm, well maybe if you go it working having something connected to the NORMAL world will help get you off that freak stuff. At the very least it'll keep you out of my hair. I'm sick of you moping around the house. Sure take the thing and put in your room. I want it out of my sight." Petunia growled.

Harry quickly took the laptop off the table and had it on his bed in his room in no time. He was back at the table and had a small hot dog (no bun), and glass of water waiting.

"Mum, when I get my new laptop, I'm going to become a Jedi Knight, and a minister. It'll be so cool. It's all over the school. There's this website that let you become a real minister, and a real Jedi Knight, it's CLC dot Org, it stands for creator's link church or something. I'll be able to marry and bury people, cool huh?" Dudley grinned.

"No it's not cool, Dudders, we already have a church we go to you already have a religion. I forbid you to join that group it's probably cultist or something." Petunia sniffed.

For once Dudley didn't argue with his Mother, he was getting a new laptop and didn't feel like pushing his luck, beside it probably is a cult or something, he thought of that that.

Harry meanwhile had finished his little hot dog and water was back in his room. He had heard Dudley mentioning the CLC website, and thought maybe he could make some extra cash at school by being able to marry people. He had heard of them while cleaning and the telly was once. It was all over the news how people would write Jedi Knight as a religion and censor board declaring it so after more than 100,000 had made the claim. It was a religion that incompices most religions so added to their roster. The wizarding world didn't really follow religions accept in cases and marriage and funerals. The purebloods followed the old religions or so Hermione had said, and Ron had agreed.

Still Harry could legally marry people in the wizarding world if it was recognized in the muggle and it would be. Sure, he had money in his trust vault and it looked like a lot, but adding a few coins instead of just taking money out would be a nice change. Harry didn't know that his family had a huge family vault making them richer than the Malfoys, the vault was on lock down and Dumbledore never deemed to tell Harry about it, figuring that when Harry came of age he could get the boy to sign over the fortune to him, to replace the Dumbledore vault that was emptied over the course of the last two wizarding wars. He forbade Remus and Sirius or any of the order members including the Weaseleys from telling Harry either. Since they all worshipped at the altar of Dumbledore they went along with it. Sirius still insisted on telling Harry but didn't as he was practically a prisoner in his own house, if he told Harry Dumbles would see that Harry never came to visit him again.

Harry got his little tool set out, he managed to keep the change he found in the sofa and in the car when he cleaned and bought the set when he was 8. It was the only way he ever had spending money, luckily Dudley and Vernon, always had loose change in their pockets.

Harry looked up at Hedwig's empty cage, no lock on it now. Harry went to all the neighbors and explained about finding a wounded owl on school grounds a few years back and that after he fixed it up it wouldn't leave him. So he got a cage for it, it to travel with him, they all bought it and told Vernon and Petunia how great they were for taking in the poor animal as they must be the kindest people in the neighborhood, so the neighbors now expected to see Hedwig let out to hunt at 9 pm every night, after all Hedwig was incredibly beautiful. Vernon and Petunia accepted Hedwig after that, but still insisted she remain in her cage during the day.

Harry smile as thought of his friend and protector, for some reason as close as they were he felt she didn't feel like a familiar at least from what he read in the books in the school library. She felt like family, so Harry figured his familiar was still out there somewhere. He got the back off the laptop and saw that the battery was knocked loose. He adjusted it and put it back in place, put the back on and plugged it in to the wall. It worked, he smirked.

His neighborhood was wired for free internet, after hearing that all the big cities was getting it, and not wanting to be out done the community board voted and wireless internet was now in Surrey. Of course if you got your own through a company it worked better, but for Harry beggars can't be choosers, there was no way the Durseleys would let their precious internet info be given to the freak.

Harry was wise enough to know not to let them know that he got it working so fast. He would wait a week before he used it during the day, for now it would be late night when he thought they were asleep. So here was Harry sitting on the floor of his room with his back to the door, that way no one could enter without him knowing, it also gave him time to put the laptop in the nearby closet. It was 11:50 pm and he was pretty sure they were all asleep with the noise Vernon and Dudley made snoring, it was a wonder Petunia slept at all.

After spending several minutes to figure out how to get to the internet, Harry was at the site for Creator's Link. The site welcomed and questioned whether he wanted to be a minister. He checked yes, and then filled out the form, just as he got to the final box, that read please read this important information, and check this box after reading. The box with info scrolled on and on, and final just said screw it, he wasn't going to be spending the night reading and checked the box. He was now a minister. He was now Reverend Harry J. Potter. And just then the lights went out. He quickly turned off the computer, and hid it in the closet. He reached for his wand that in the hole under the loose floor board.

The lights came on a man with wings stood in his room. "Happy Birthday, Mate."

Harry blinked. "What the…?" Was all he could say.

"Yea, it's different I know, but what can I say." The winged man said. Harry stopped and listened. He could still hearing the snoring of his relatives.

"Don't worry about them, mate. They'll sleep till ten to tomorrow." The winged smiled as he took out a cigarette. "Can't have that anymore,' he threw the cigarette into the waste bin near Harry's desk. "Don't start with those things mate, they'll right kill you they will, nearly did me in."

"Who are you? What are you?" Harry asked, his wand pointed at the winged stranger.

"I didn't introduce myself did I? Well, my name is John Constantine, as for the wings, they're a loaner. I got picked for this gig, because your regular handler is bit busy right now, and I'm the temp. The wings are just part of the gig, right." He leaned against Harry's desk. Harry sat on his bed. "What are you doing here?" Harry asked.

"Well, I'm here to welcome to the club. I'm your guide until you handler gets here. Let's see…" Constantine took some papers out of his pockets. "Ah here it is, you have signed up to be a warrior of light, congratulations. As such, your magic will become pure, your body will be healed of all ills, and your past sins whatever they are will be forgiven and you are given a clean slate. Hang on a mo, no one told me this when I signed up. Wait, that right, I didn't sign up, (sigh) I dabbled where I shouldn't and got into things you aren't supposed too. Well, anyway, now that you are a warrior of the light, you will pack your things, and you will never see this hell hole again. Yes they know what your life has been like but couldn't interfere unless you called them or joined. You just joined so you are out. Let's get you packed." John said.

"Joined what, I don't understand what's going on." Harry said.

"You joined the warriors of light, they are like three steps below angel or something like that. Didn't you know what you signed up for?" John asked.

"The only thing I signed up for in the last year is to lead a club at school, and to be a minister and that like two minutes ago." Harry said.

"You signed up to be a minister, where?" John said.

Harry went to the closet to get the laptop he set it on the bed opened the lid and typed the password, page was still there. Harry pointed.

John read the page over, and laughed. "Oh my stars and garters, you signed up to be a warrior of the light on the internet? HAHAHAHA, never seen that one before."

"But I didn't, I signed up to be a minister for a little extra cash while I'm still in school." Harry all but pleaded.

"Did you read the fine print that bit in the box near the check box?" John asked, smiling.

"Uh, no, it just went on and on, and was a lot of legal crap so I skipped it." Harry said abashed.

"It's always the fine print that gets you. You're actually lucky. This could have been one of the demon pages, and if you sign up there you lose your soul." John said seriously.

"So what did I sign up for and can I get out of it?" Harry asked.

"Well, as I said you signed up to be a warrior of the light. They are the one who defend the world from evil like demons, devils, and good spirits gone bad, and the humans who sell their souls and become evil. And just evil in general." John said

"And getting out?" harry said.

"That's easy now, you go to the page and click the opt out button at the bottom of the page. Are thinking of quitting already?

"I have to, have a prophecy of me that says I'm the only who could stop a super evil wizard that trying to take of the wizarding world. I can't do both." Harry said.

"Why not, that would probably you first assignment." John said.

"I can't because it's him or me, and I have to prepare I don't have the time or energy for this." Harry said getting angry.

"Well, I'm authorized to offered you anything you want to join, apparently you are to someone very important at some point or another. Besides the other side will be after you if you don't join. However if you accept this little 'gift' you are in."

"Offer me what?" Harry asked.

"Anything really within reason." John said.

"I only want one thing. I want my godfather back." Harry stated.

"Your godfather? What his name?" John asked.

"Sirius Black."

John pulled a small black book from his inter coat pocket. "Sirius Black, Sirius Black… must be under Black because I'm not finding Sirius… Ah here it is… Sirius Black innocent."

"Yes, we can get him back if he's been dead less than three months."

"He's been dead two, he fell into the veil at the ministry."

"Hmmm, the Veil…" John said as he looked it up… Veil.

"Okay we can get him back because he's innocent and it's before three months." John said.

"Yes, I'll do anything you want, be anything you want, if you get my godfather back." Harry said with a seriousness that unnerved John.

"Okay then let's go now, we'll come back here after and pack up your things." John said, as a snowy owl flew in the opened window and dropped on package on Harry's bed, then flew to Harry shoulder, the bird then glared at John, then bark.

"Easy Hedwig, he's a friend.. I think. We're going to get Sirius back." Harry told her smiling. She dug her claws into Harry's shoulder. "Yes, Hed, you can come, ease up a bit hun." Harry said as he winced. Hedwig lightened her grip bit didn't move from her spot on his shoulder.

"All right then, grab my arm, Miss Hedwig hold on tight enough to stay in place but not make him bleed please, blood is very valuable thing, and wizard blood is extremely valuable, and dangerous." John said. Hedwig nodded.

"Right smart bird you got there, Harry, and very beautiful too." John said. Hedwig puffed her chest.
Harry laughed, "and very vain too. Ouch Hed, just kidding, you know I love you." Harry said, as John's wings flaired and they disappeared.

They landed directly in front of the veil, "How did you know where this was," Harry asked suspicion written all of his face, and Hedwig with another glare.

"I don't know where we are, these are angel wings, they may be loaners but they are still angel wings and angel wings are as smart as your owl. They know where they need to go, and can communicate with the person they are attached too. Angel wings can go anywhere they choose too." John said, he looked at the veil. "So this is the nasty that ate your godfather. Nice piece of work this is. You are very lucky your godfather was an innocent for a guilty soul that is an express elevator to hell. For an innocent soul they are held for three months then sent to their reward. Your godfather is lucky he went in whole, body and soul and all when we call him back, all sins and ills will be removed. If he was just a soul, I'm not sure we could have gotten him back without a ritual, and that can be messy." John said as drew runes on the floor in front of the veil.

"Yes, I've seen one. The caster cut his own hand off to resurrect the dark wizard, that's after me." Harry said, his eyes losing their light, his voice becoming hollow.

John had finished his runes on the floor, and faced Harry. "Call him, tell him you need him. Keep calling." John said. "Hedwig, keep watch let us know if anyone comes." The owl barked, and flew to a chair that was sitting the room. She watched all doors her head spinning the way only an owl's could, she would check on her chick Harry periodically. She could tell that John meant no harm to her chick, but he was reckless and she could see that too, her Harry chick was reckless enough without backup.

"Siri," Harry said tentatively, "please come back." Harry voice getting choked. "Sirius Black, please you're my godfather, Mum and Dad trusted you to take care of me. Please Siri don't leave me. You're all the family I have, Siri please, don't leave me. I need you Sirius. I need my godfather, I'm not too old to need someone to love me. I never had that before you. I don't want to be alone Siri please come back." Harry was crying now, so much pain and loneliness in life, sure Ron and Hermione was there but they were friends they had families who loved them they couldn't understand his need for just a little of that.

John grabbed Harry and held, Harry heart was breaking all of again, it was just as painful as when Sirius fell through the veil before. "Siri, please come back, I don't want to be alone anymore. Why can't I have a family, why must I always be alone. Siri….SIRI.. SIRIUS BLACK!" Harry yelled at the top his lungs, his magic reaching to the veil, calling to Sirius' magic. Harry stood there, wrapped in the arms of John Constantine waiting. A minute goes by, then ten, and Harry is heart is breaking with each passing second. John, unknown to Harry, is praying for Sirius Black to come back, Harry was still a child, and still so in need of someone, if Black didn't come back John would take him with him. Even if he chooses not to join, the boy needed someone. John knew it was dangerous for the boy to be with him, but it was better than what he had John was sure of that.

"Siri" came a broken call from Harry his legs slowly went limp and he fell to the floor. "Siri."

The veil rustled as it had done since Harry first meeting with the thing two months ago. The voices he could hear invited him to join his godfather and his family, and Harry would have if his legs would have held him. 'Alone.' The word rang in his head, he was forever alone, even in a house with three other people in it, he was forever alone.

The veil moved, but Harry played it no mind, he sat on the floor in all his misery, he didn't care about anything anymore. A hand landed on his shoulder, 'John' Harry thought.

"Harry, I'm here." Two hands gathered him up and lifted the too light teen up. The hands with arms attached pulled him close, and Harry leaned in and cried. "Shh, Harry. I'm here, and I'm not leaving you again. I promise." Harry looked up, and saw familiar grey eyes, and dark hair, a mischievous smile, and Harry's heart swelled.

"Siri… you're back." Harry whispered and promptly passed out.

End Chapter 1

Hi guys, long time no see. Well, my mom died two years ago, my sister died last month, I had cancer and spent six weeks in the hospital, and that's just the beginning of my life. How's yours? Anyway, I'm back for now. I'm still working on chapter 8 for Harry Potter: the New Phoenix, no time on when that will be done. I hope you like this one. Review and let me know. Kay?

Catwriter