"Specs?" Gilbert called. "Where are you?" Silence met his questions, making him nervous. "Roddy?" Nothing. "Roderich!" He raced around the house, searching everywhere. He searched the living room, kitchen, study, office, piano room, and bedrooms. He stood in the living room, unsure where his favorite piano player was. There was no note, the car was here . . . it didn't make any sense. Gilbert walked down to the basement, but nothing much was there besides bad memories. He had found Roderich here once before, however. Walking back upstairs since he was unable to find the Austrian there, he headed into the bathroom, another place he had found the other, which brought up more bad memories, but still found nothing. Frustrated, Gil went to the War Room and opened the door to see maps, old weapons, and Roderich, who was holding an old Austrian gun to his head. "What the hell, Rod?!" Gilbert yelled.
Roderich jerked in surprise before dropping the gun and flinching. "Fuck!" He cursed.
Gilbert stood there in shock. "Really?! Again?!"
Roderich flinched. "No, it's that -"
"That what?" Gilbert picked the gun up and set it on the table.
Roderich bit his lip. "I'm just tired, Gilbert." He whispered. "Tired of trying and being beaten at everything. Sick of being knocked down and then expected to stand back up."
Gilbert clenched his hands. "I'm tired too, Roderich. I"m tired of having to worry that, one day, you will kill yourself. You're being selfish! You're expected to stand back up because you're the country of Austria. You have people to worry about."
"What people are going to be so lost by losing me that they can't move on?" Roderich said bitterly.
"Roderich, you're in charge of a country . . . If they lose you, they'll be lost and your country will fall. Do you want to be like Rome or the Bosnian Empire? Like me?"
Roderich flinched before taking off his shirt; something he hadn't done in front of Gilbert in a long time. "My country is failing already, Gilbert." He whispered, showing the ugly bruises and cuts on his skin.
Gilbert gritted his teeth. "So you think it's fine and dandy to shoot yourself? You can't die, Roderich, or did you forget that?" Roderich flinched and pulled on his shirt again before walking out of the room without another word as his mind struggled not to snap. Gilbert shook his head and grabbed the gun, opening it to see how many bullets were there before shaking his head and putting it in its proper spot.
Roderich had escaped back to his piano room and was staring at the portrait of Maria. Gilbert followed him to the piano room and stood there. He was giving up and it pissed him off more than anything. He wanted to shake him. Roderich didn't notice the Prussian and continued staring at the portrait until giving a squeak of pain and clutching his side. Another riot. More people dying. He shuddered before curling up on the ground in the fetal position. Gritting his teeth, Gil had little sympathy for the Austrian. "Get up." He snarled. "Fucking fight. Don't let every war you've fought for be in vain. Get up!" The Austrian ignored him, tears springing to his eyes as he curled up more on himself. "Then fucking disappear. Be like Germania." He grabbed Roderich up by his shirt. "You don't get a pity party from me, Roderich. If you want someone to say 'poor baby', it won't be me this time." Roderich flinched and his eyes flooded with hurt and betrayal, but also resolve now that even the one person he thought wouldn't give up on him did. "Stop crying and do something about it. People die. Riots happen. Every country has been through it and survived."
"It's not just the riots, Gil." Roderich mumbled. "The government is shutting down. People are leaving."
"Then get up and do something about it." He hissed.
"I have been!" Roderich shrieked. "That's all I've done since I first existed!"
"Try a little harder, Roderich. I don't want you to disappear."
"I'm tired of trying harder! That's all I ever do!" Roderich snarled.
Gilbert was shaking and he stepped away from Roderich. "I wish I would have tried harder." He laughed as he walked out of the room.
Roderich whimpered. "Gil?" His voice was heartbreaking. Gilbert could yell and scream all he wanted at the Austrian, but if Roderich didn't want to live, then fine. Roderich began to hyperventilate before giving out one final scream. "Gilbert!"
Gilbert re-entered the room and looked at the Austrian. "What's wrong?" Roderich was on the ground, shivering, violet eyes vacant and unseeing as he mumbled things under his breath and itched his scars. Gilbert looked away for a moment before walking over and picking Roderich up. "Let's get you to the doctor." He muttered as he held onto the Austrian tight. Roderich clung tightly to Gilbert, muttering things and shivering still, unable to seem to register his presence. Gilbert remembered this . . . He was alone though. He remembered the high fever, the feeling that he just wanted to die, how he couldn't move, throwing up blood. It had all happened. He moved out to the car and set Roderich in the back seat. The Austrian whimpered, clinging to Gilbert more and the albino disentangled him before getting into the driver's seat and driving away. He made it to the hospital even though his body was shaking. He couldn't lose Roderich. If Roderich was gone, he might as well go too. When they stopped the car at the hospital, Gilbert got out and moved to get Roderich, picking him up to carry him inside. As they entered the building, Roderich whimpered and clung to Gilbert more. Finally, Roderich was handed off, placed in a hospital bed with doctors around him. Gilbert was no where in the room.
Roderich sniffled. "Gil?" He whimpered. The albino, meanwhile, was sitting outside the room, trying to control his breathing. He didn't want to see Roderich in this state the piano player was in. Or have the aristocrat see him like this.
However, the nurses were having a hard time with Roderich cooperating. He seemed to have returned to his normal, prideful, aristocratic self, and wasn't doing what they wanted him to do currently. "Mr. Beilschmidt?" One of the nurses poked her head out. "Could you lend a hand?" Gilbert looked up at the nurse and nodded before standing to enter Roderich's room.
"Sir, we're going to need you to pee in this cup, please." The nurse asked perkily, holding out a plastic cup to Roderich.
The Austrian stared at her in shock and utter disbelief. "Excuse me?"
"Please, sir. If you would." The nurse tried to sound soothing as she held out the cup to him, causing him to flinch and pull away instead.
"Roderich, just do it." Gilbert rolled his eyes as he sat in the chair close to the door. "It's not that big of a deal."
Roderich huffed. "You think that just because you're a barbarian."
Gilbert narrowed his scarlet gaze. "No, it's because I've done it loads of times."
Roderich wrinkled his nose. "Why?"
"Because it's fun." Gilbert snorted sarcastically. "Because I've been in the hospital a bunch of times, idiot."
Roderich colored darkly. "I'm not an idiot." He muttered and the Prussian rolled his eyes.
"Piss in the cup already." Gilbert hissed as he moved towards the door.
"No. It's disgusting and undignified." Roderich seethed.
"Piss. In. The. Cup." Gilbert pointed to the bathroom.
"No!" Roderich snapped and Gilbert snarled. At that, Roderich's eyes widened as he quivered in fear, taking the cup from the nurse, darting into the bathroom, shutting and locking the door behind him before anyone could follow.
Gilbert looked at the nurse. "You're welcome." He stepped out of the room, almost about to lose his cool. This brought back too many bad memories.
Finally, the nurse came back out a few minutes later. "Could you help us getting him to talk?"
"Why?" He pushed his white hair back. "If he wants to die, it might as well be a natural death and not a cowardly one."
"The only natural death is passing away in our sleep." The nurse replied sharply.
Gilbert huffed. "Why do I need to be in there?" He looked at the nurse. "Do you know how often I have to deal with this?"
She raised an eyebrow. "Do you know how often I deal with it?" She hardened, her voice taking on a frosty quality. "If you want to leave now, then I won't stop you, but I'll also make you face him to tell him why you're suddenly so ready to abandon him."
Gilbert stiffened. "I want you to understand something." He stood. "I've been trying and I'm still 'alive'." He grabbed her hand, placing it over his heart where there was no beating. "If he's not willing to fight like I did, then let him disappear." He dropped her hand. Unbeknownst to the albino, Roderich stood outside the door, ready to call back the nurse when he heard Gilbert speak. He felt his heart drop and shatter into pieces. Tears streamed down his face. It was one thing to give up on yourself, but to have the person you loved the most do the same . . . Gilbert looked down the hall as he stood there, spotting Roderich. As soon as he noticed, the nurse turned as well and walked over to help him back into bed. Roderich felt nothing anymore. Not the nurse helping him to the bed nor any of the people talking around him. Gilbert sighed as he entered and leaned against the wall but Roderich didn't even register the albino's entrance again. His brain was foggy and emotions dull. "Roderich, answer the nurses' question." Gilbert spoke up.
At the sound of his voice, Roderich's eyes cleared a bit. "Was?"
"The nurse is talking to you. Answer her questions." Gilbert repeated.
Roderich searched for the nurse. "Roderich, how long have you been feeling like this?"
"A long time . . ." He whispered. Gilbert stayed silent throughout this. He could make his comments, but he knew how the other was feeling.
Roderich answered all of the questions he could before the nurse turned to Gilbert. "You two need to talk." She left before he could protest. Gilbert huffed and looked out the window, in no mood to talk.
"I'm sorry too."
Roderich sniffled. "For what?"
"For . . . For having no sympathy."
"I was -"
"Doesn't matter. I shouldn't have been so heartless." Gilbert sighed and Roderich sniffled again, causing the Prussian to look at him while Roderich reached out to him. Gilbert finally moved and sat on the edge of the bed. "I want you better."
Roderich sighed and brushed his bangs back. "I want to be better, I just . . . don't know how."
"I don't know what to tell you."
"What made you believe you could get through it?"
"I moved through the pain. I was alone and just kept moving, through the vomiting and the pain and . . . I wasn't going to stop."
Roderich frowned, remembering that time. "Gil . . ."
Roderich paused before shaking his head. "Nevermind." He mumbled, blushing darkly.
The pianist bit his lip. "Ich liebe dich."
"Ich lieben." Gilbert kissed Roderich's forehead.
"Promise you will never leave me?" The brunette whimpered. "I know I do stupid things, but I can't function without you. If you were to leave, I . . . I'm afraid of what would happen."
"I can't promise that. You should know that." Gilbert sighed, only to soften at Roderich's panicked face. "I won't leave you over anything you do. How's that?" The Austrian sniffled and nodded before he reached over to Gilbert and huffed him while the albino returned the gesture. "I'm sorry."
Roderich sniffled and hugged back tighter. "It's not your fault."
"Just stay strong, liebe."
Roderich sniffled and gave a soft smile. "I'll try."
"Good." Gilbert murmured and Roderich gave another soft smile before kissing him sweetly. Gilbert smiled softly. "Get some sleep, liebe."
"Stay with me?"
"Of course." Gilbert smiled softly and the Austrian returned the smile before scooting over on the hospital bed. Gilbert's smile widened slightly and joined his lover on the bed, holding him close as they fell into sleep deeply, silently hoping things would get better.