38Disclaimer: None of this is mine. All rights belong to the great Tolkien and Peter Jackson.
The following reports are extracted from the TA 2426 files.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Somewhere in a field
Date: November 6th, TA 2426
Long have I wandered the kindly West, in the lands of simple folk. Though they have no great warriors, no kings, nor any royalty of any kind, still I suspect that there is much to learn among the common Men. I have heard whispers of a race of small beings named Hobbits; they are said to be curious creatures, of short stature and with hair on their feet. I feel it is my duty to investigate further, for the Mission.
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Rohan
Date: November 18th, TA 2426
Gandalf. While I applaud your initiative, I have to question your motives. Why exactly are you running about with peasants and trying to discover new races? Especially as I distinctly recall that when I last sent you instructions, I ordered you to travel to Gondor, there to improve relations among the nobility and to examine defenses against potential attack from the Forces of Evil.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Another field, I think
Date: October something, TA 2426
I do remember the order to visit Gondor, but I think you'll agree that, just as I suspected, further examination of these Hobbits would bear fruit. Have you heard of "Pipe-weed?"
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Rohan
Date: October 5th, TA 2426
No. I have not.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Someone's back garden
Date: Early November, TA 2426
You should try it, really. Wonderful, marvelous stuff. I have carved myself a pipe, from which I smoke this most delightful of substances. I have found, sir, when sitting in a nice shadow, with the smoke curling up around me, and my best enigmatic expression, I present a satisfactorily Wizard-like picture.
The following reports are extracted from the TA 2463 files.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Rivendell
Date: August 8th, TA 2463
I hope you don't mind that I declined the beautiful Lady Galadriel's nomination yesterday during the first White Council meeting. While I am very happy to be a member, I did not think myself suited to becoming its head. Of course, I was deeply honored by the idea. Especially after the numerous times Lady Galadriel and Lord Elrond repeated the nomination, until finally relenting and naming you as second choice. I must say, it was a great relief that you accepted the job! I think this Council will do an excellent job as a means for the Wise (us) to confer and decide how best to oversee Good in Middle-earth.
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Rivendell
Date: August 8th, TA 2463
Indeed. How wonderful to be second choice. It is a good thing I am not a jealous sort. I find myself reminded of the time Cirdan chose to give you the Red Ring of Fire instead of me, all those years ago when we first came to Middle-earth. Of course, I can see how it must have been an obvious decision. Who else would be a suitable bearer or one of the three Elvish Rings of Power but Gandalf the Grey? Imagine the ridiculousness if it had been bestowed upon anyone else.
The head of our Order, say.
Agent: Gandalf the Grey
Location: Rivendell, specifically the kitchens because the cakes just came out of the ovens
Date: August 8th, TA 2463
Oh, that does bring back memories. I have always tried to act with proper responsibility towards my charge.
Agent: Saruman the White
Location: Rivendell
Date: August 8th, TA 2463
On that note, Gandalf, you need to stop using the Red Ring of Fire to light your pipe.
Author's Note: While I love Tolkien's world (I show my love with horrible parodies) I'm no Tolkien scholar, so if I've erred from canon (besides, um, making the Wizards secret agents), please let me know in the comments!