Onore, Darren! Despoiler of Words!
"Momo Sakura is hunting down all Riders. Therefore, we must hunt down Momo Sakura to survive. Momo Sakura is the Riders' enemy. Riders cannot live with Momo Sakura, and Momo Sakura cannot live with Riders. Only one can stand. Unless Momo Sakura is destroyed… all Riders will be destroyed. I shall not rest until Momo Sakura is vanquished! I will defeat Momo Sakura!"
The rest of the cast of Kamen Rider Decade stared at Tsukasa Kadoya, who was off his meds again and on his latest bout as Grand Holy Grail Shocker Leader of the latest Kamen Rider crossover movie, Kamen Rider Decade Versus The Kotomine Gene.
"Okay, what set him off this time around?" Natsumi asked in a tired tone as she prepared for the possible need to stab Tsukasa in the Decadriver again. "I mean, this is a crossover between Puella Magi Madoka Magica and Fate/Zero plus Fate/Stay Night. So what are we doing here?"
"Sheo Darren needed to remove Kyouko's little sister Momo Sakura from this timeline in order to engender cheap drama and enable his fan fic," Daiki explained. "So he persuaded Tsukasa that Momo was an enemy of Kamen Riders. You can guess how that went."
"That monster!" gasped Useless Then he realized an even greater sin. "It's Yuusuke, dang it! Yuusuke!"
"And here's the other tool," Daiki muttered as a familiar bespectacled man made his unwelcome but expected appearance.
"CURSE YOU, DECADE!" Narutaki yelled. "DESTROYER OF WORLDS!"
"Destroyer of Worlds!" echoed Davros, creator of the Daleks.
"Destroyer of worlds," repeated J. Robert Oppenheimer, God of Nuclear Weapons.
"Destroyer of worlds," punctuated Vishnu, the originator of the infamous quote.
"And his Greek chorus." Daiki shook his head. "Can we just get on with the Omake, Sheo Darren?"
The Kotomine Gene
Disclaimer: Sheo Darren doesn't own Madoka, Fate, or any of the other series appearing here.
Reminder: Please read The Kotomine Gene first.
Come And Get Your Love(craft)
"Mom… Dad… Tatsuya… I… I… iiiyaaa! Iiiyaaa! Iiiyaaaaa… ia… ia… ia, ia, Kriemhild Gretchen fhtagn…"
"Well, shiitake mushrooms," went Homura as she fumbled for the Load Quicksave function of her shield before–
"Homura-chan? What's wrong?"
"…Madoka, can I interest you in rentacle tape?"
"Homura-chan, you're drooling…"
Taiga Fujimura rolled her eyes as her not-son set foot within her domain for the umpteenth time. "You really have bad luck with lancers, do you, Shirou-kun?" she sighed.
"Poor Shirou-oniichan," cooed the P.E. bloomers-clad Illyasviel von Einzbern. "Impaled yet again upon a long, hard pole arm, your pale soft flesh quivering around the rigid shaft buried deep within you…"
Shirou resolutely ignored the waterfall of drool pouring from his stepsister's mouth. "That nun girl keeps killing me," he admitted. "What do you think should I do, Fuji-nee, Ilya?"
The mistress and student of the Tiger Dojo exchanged meaningful looks.
"What you do to any lancer," Taiga chuckled. "Give them a taste of their own medicine."
"Turnabout is fair play," Ilya giggled. "Take full advantage of the horrid luck inherent to all spear users."
"J-J-JAM IT IN," they chorused together.
Metaphors Flew Over His Head; His Reflexes Weren't Fast Enough
Kyouko stared at the sobering sight of her own Black Key spear jutting from her bleeding belly. "W-w-what…"
"My sisters said to jam it in," Shirou said simply to the dying nun.
Return to Tiger Dojo
"Shirou, you fool!" HIKEN: TORA-SHINAI!
"Oniichan no baka!" LOLI DROP KICK!
"But I did exactly as you told me," Shirou pleaded to the furious mistress and student of the Tiger Dojo. "You said to jam it in, so I stabbed Sister Kotomine with her own spear to complete the irony."
"We were quoting the euphemistic Internet meme!" Taiga and Ilya snapped.
Shirou looked confused. "…What's a meme?" he asked.
"Idiot!" Ilya shrilled.
"I blame Kiritsugu," Taiga muttered darkly.
Favored Enemy: Tsundere
"Huh," Shirou considered aloud as he lay naked upon the tousled and damp sheets of the bed he shared with his former foe. "So all you needed to renounce evil was for me to dye my hair blue and have sex with you?"
Beside him, the equally nude Kyouko blushed as red as her currently untied and messy hair. "Shut up," she stuttered. "Sayaka isn't appearing in this omake, so I have to make do with the closest hero of justice…"
Thank goodness she's a tsundere, Shirou thought. My charm is EX Rank versus those.
Just Primae Humerum
The door burst open. Gilgamesh clanked into the bedroom. Kyouko's golden-armored Servant looked furious.
"Mongrel!" The King of Heroes glared at Shirou. "You dare to take the virginity of my master-"
Kyouko hastily yanked the covers up her nude body. "Gilgamesh-sama!" she squeaked.
"-without paying the proper tribute to me?"
"Gilgamesh!" This time his embarrassed Master wasn't so polite.
"My Master's virginity is the property of the King!" Gilgamesh declared. "The Right of the First Thigh is the right of the King!"
Confusion got Kyouko to squeak out "Wait, isn't it supposed to be First Night, not First Thigh?"
"Well, Kyouko, Right of the First Night is the English translation of the Latin term just primae noctis, the supposed right of the local lord to have the virginity of the newly-wed virgin in his domain." Shirou unconsciously adopted one of Rin's lecturing poses, his right hand holding a pretend tea cup. "Right of the First Thigh is more or less the same rule, but translated from the French droit de cuissage, which is more popularly known as droit du seigneur, 'right of the lord'.
"Aside," he added, 'Your charm point is your shoulders, not your thighs."
Shirou subjected said shoulders to his ardent scrutiny. And such nice, round, soft, squeezable shoulders they were once he had slipped his lover out of her surprisingly modest nun outfit and into the sheets for some screaming undercover action.
The thoroughly chagrined Kyouko frantically clamped her hands upon her shoulders to cover them. Then she squealed anew when the bed sheet she'd wrapped around her bare body loosened and slipped down to her waist, revealing surprisingly big hopes and dreams that proved this story was an alternate Oriko Magica timeline because that was the only canon continuity where Kyouko could match Mami's magnificent frontal glacis plate.
"Don't look!" she scolded, which Shirou correctly translated as tsundere talk for Drink it all in with your blue blue eyes, lover boy~
Gil looked intrigued by Shirou's exposition. "The Right of the Lord is indeed part of my legend. Where did you learn of it, mongrel?" he deigned to ask.
"Saber taught me. Early English kings were influenced by the French kings across the Channel. She was also best friends with the French knight Lancelot. By the way, isn't Kyouko like an adopted daughter to you?" Shirou asked. "Wouldn't that technically make taking her first thigh-"
"Night!" Kyouko hissed pedantically.
"-I stand corrected, her first shoulders-"
"I'm going to kill you!" was the typical promise of the modern-day tsundere that would never be fulfilled.
"-incest?" Shirou finished.
"She's not related to me by blood," Gil dismissed. "That's the best kind of incest."
"Wow," Shirou observed. "You're the original Hikaru Genji. Made of gold."
"You're one to talk, mongrel, when you have the homunculi sister of yours who desires to jump your bones."
It became Kyouko's turn to glare at Shirou. "What's this about an incestuous homunculi sister?" she accused.
"She's not related to me by blood," her lover quoted Gilgamesh.
The latter took offense anew. "That line belongs to the King as well!"
"They say plagiarism is the highest form of flattery," Shirou argued.
"Gate of Babylon! The original double-barreled shotgun of an overprotective father! Made of gold, of course," Gilgamesh elaborated as he pumped the weapon.
Yes, he pumped an eons-old double-barrel over-under twelve gauge. He's Gilgamesh. Broken on so many levels. Based King of Heroes OP Nasu nerf plz.
"If you leave me and Kyouko alone," Shirou offered, displaying the first hint of Archer's skill, Eye of the Mind (True), the ability to spot and seize the slightest chance of victory, "I'll let you have sex with Saber."
"The King is pleased with your quick mind, mongrel," Gilgamesh quickly assented. He lingered just long enough to seal the deal with a handshake before leaving the two lovebirds to their lonesome.
I knew I saved up on Command Skills for a reason, Shirou congratulated himself...
...before he found himself pinned to the bed by a very cross Kyouko, who pressed the point of a Black Key to his jugular.
"Shirou," she coldly reminded him. "Don't think I've forgotten about how you want to bang your sister?"
"It's true," he replied with a straight face, carefully hiding how getting straddled by a naked nun who was threatening him with a knife to the throat was really firing off all sorts of mental and physical fireworks. "I have a fetish for sisters."
"What?" Kyouko looked betrayed at the apparent admission of incest.
"You see, Sister Kotomine, I've always thought nuns are hot," Shirou confessed, maintaining his poker face while revealing that, yes, he was trolling his lover. "Nuns are purity personified, and as I've learned from you, there's nothing more fun to corrupt than incorruptible pure pureness. Imagine the temptations that ran through my head when I first saw you playing Dies Irae at that pipe organ while wearing that coyly modest habit. I wanted to have an H-scene with you then and there. Fortunately you turned out to be a naughty nun straight out of a hentai anime, so I was finally able to defeat your temptation by literally embracing you."
A deceptively slow toss buried the Black Key into a wall. That same hand parted the veil of rosy red hair hanging across her crimson cheeks. Russet pools glistened with the fires of an insatiable desire, the heat of which threatened to burn down Fuyuki City anew.
"I'm going to make you my bride," Kyouko purred before kissing Shirou deeply.
Luckily Avalon could heal a broken pelvis.
Here Comes The Bride
"Do you, Kyouko Kotomine, accept this man as your lawfully wedded wife?"
"I do," beamed the former nun.
"Do you, Shirou Emiya, accept this woman as your lawfully wedded husband?"
"I do," confirmed the former hero of justice.
"Then by the authority vested in me by myself, the King of Heroes now pronounce you man and wife." Gilgamesh flashed the newlywed couple a smirk. The original smirk. Made of gold. "Shirou and Kyouko Kotomine, you may kiss."
They did so with flourish. And tongue. Plenty of tongue.
"Remember that the King of Heroes retains the right of viewing the first night," Gilgamesh reminded the amorous couple. "Make sure to amuse me, children."
Beside him, the blushing Saber (dressed in her virgin white Lily alternate outfit) kicked him in the shin.
"Stop kicking me, Freedom!" Shinn Asuka yelled. "Haven't you played the SRW Z series yet? I'm awesome there!"
Rags To Riches
"I refuse to accept this outcome," Rin Tohsaka persisted despite having a large variety of deadly weapons (most of them owned by Gilgamesh) pointed at her. "I'm one of the major canon heroines, and yet I'm getting sidelined in character development?"
Kyouko reluctantly put away her Black Key spear. "Okay, you can be Shirou's mistress," she granted her childhood friend, with whom she had such fine memories like saving a bunch of kids from Ryuunosuke Uryuu back during the Fourth Grail War.
"That's not my point!" Rin shrieked.
"Rin," Shirou said. "You're forgetting something important."
"Oh, really? Pray tell me what exact detail I missed?" she demanded while brandishing a charged Gem.
"Kyouko replaced Kirei for purposes of this story. That means the one who handled your family's investments is Gilgamesh," Shirou pointed out.
"Gilgamesh-sama has the skill Golden Rule," Kyouko said. "It measures the chance of attracting gold during a person's lifetime. His skill is ranked A, a rank that makes the user incredibly wealthy that money troubles are unknown, allowing him to live the life of a nabob."
"The King is indeed fated to a life that is filled with riches," Gilgamesh confirmed. "All the treasures of the world belong to the King." He gave the blushing Saber a possessive squeeze.
Rin was a smart girl. She made the connection almost immediately. Her reaction, however, could have used some work.
"That's right, Rin," Kyouko chuckled at her frozen friend. "You're not just rich. You're wealthy."
Finland, Europe. The wee hours of the morning.
Luviagelita Edelfelt forced herself to be polite when she spoke into the ivory-lined receiver of the old-fashioned rotary dial phone. "This is the Edelfelt residence," she said. "Luviagelita Edelfelt speaking."
"Hey, Luvia! Guess who?"
Poise remained paramount. After all, one couldn't strangle other people over the phone. She decided to humor her rival. "What brings you to gracelessly disturb my much-deserved rest at this rather early hour, Miss Tohsaka?" Luvia muttered.
"Oh, nothing, really. I just wanted to say I'm richer than you."
The casually minced challenge brought Luvia wide awake. "What do you mean by that," she growled.
"Forbes Magazine confirmed it. I'm now the richest mage in the world. In fact, I displaced your family down to second place. Isn't it ironic? Ohoho~"
Luvia slammed the phone back into its cradle. "I believe I will be paying an extended visit to Japan within the next week," she seethed. Now what was the name of the Japanese city where my cousin made her abode? Mitakihara, yes?
Fuyuki City. One week later.
Kyouko glared Black Keys at Rin. "This is your fault, Rin," the ex-nun muttered glumly. "I could be at home, playing the role of a tired salary woman shucking off sweaty work clothes while watching Shirou in a naked apron prepare a sushi dinner atop the makeshift serving platter of flesh that is my nude body, instead of having to back you up in a catfight."
"Are you not my friend, student, and ally?" the twin-tailed mage shot back. "Also: Too much information! And this is a magus duel, not a catfight!"
"I call what I see, and I see a catfight, nya."
Luvia hastily dabbed her handkerchief at the blood seeping from her nostrils. "You've attracted a fearsome ally, Miss Tohsaka," she admitted. "But it matters not as I came prepared for this eventuality." She gestured grandly. "Let me introduce you to my dearest cousin, who will be my second and partner for this ca-duel, yes."
The slightly blushing blonde girl at Luvia's side appeared to be a less outrageously and younger version of the Edelfelt heiress. Her outfit was a feminized uniform of a Renaissance era musketeer.
"Good evening, Tohsaka-san, Kotomine-san. I am Mami Edelfelt Tomoe, mage of the cadet line of the Edelfelt family." She curtsied. "I will be your opponent, Kotomine-san."
Kyouko managed to resist the sudden urge to corrupt and pervert everything good in the world. "You're a heroine of justice, aren't you?" she asked.
"As a matter of fact, I fancy myself a magical girl," Mami answered honestly.
"Where's your pride as a mage?" Rin exclaimed.
"I've been working on that, although to no avail," Luvia sighed into the palm of her right hand.
Kyouko let out a throaty titter. No wonder she felt so excited, so evil, so… so Kotomine tonight. Mami was reminding her of an uncorrupted Shirou. And her husband had been so much fun to drag into the mud even as he in turn yanked her back into the light until they settled together halfway between, where the grey shadows and their entwined bodies lay.
"Rejoice, Tomoe-san," she welcomed. "Your wish to be a heroine will come true."
"Truly?" Mami took the bait hook, line, sinker, and rod.
"Oh, yes. After all, what is a heroine without a villainess to combat?" Kyouko transformed sheets of Holy writ into razor blades. "And you now face one who has bathed in pure evil and brought the fires of Hell to this peaceful city and its innocents."
Mami put on a brave face. "I won't let you get away with what you're planning, Kotomine-san." A charming flit of her skirt deposited ornate Gem-powered muskets into her gloved hands. "I'll stop you!"
"Oh, Root," Rin hissed as she, too, recognized the resemblance between the Edelfelt cadet member and Shirou, but far too late to do any good. "There are two of them. Two distorted idiots… I don't think I can stand this…"
"This is your fault, Miss Tohsaka," snapped Luvia. "This is the future you chose."
"I never asked for this!"
"Ashes to ashes, dust to dust!" Kyouko laughed.
"Tiro!" Mami called out.
Corruption of Champions
The Emiya Residence. A couple of hours later.
"I'm home, Shirou!"
"Welcome home, Kyouko," Shirou responded as he finished arranging the last platter of savory salmon slices upon the table. "Dinner is ready."
His wife looked especially exuberant despite (or because of?) her shredded nun habit and bruises. She was half-hugging, half-hauling an equally battered and bedraggled blonde. Shirou wasn't sure if the two exhausted girls were supporting each other or still in the throes of wrestling each other into submission.
"I brought take-out," Kyouko giggled while pressing her lush half-unclad body into her blushing captive/captor.
"I'll be in your care, Emiya-san," shyly greeted Mami.
"I'll get another bowl," Shirou said.
The girls intently watched him go.
"Why is your husband wearing only an apron?" Mami dared to ask.
"All the better to eat you, dear," Kyouko tittered.
At the Tohsaka mansion, Rin and Luvia shared a cigarette.
"Miss Tohsaka, if you desired a tryst, all you need do is ask politely."
"Quiet, Luvia. I have a reputation to maintain."
The town of Trifas, province of Transylvania, country of Romania. Years later.
"Greetings. I am the Supervisor sent by the Holy Church to oversee this Great Grail War."
The white-haired man favored the gathered Masters of the Red Faction with a smile he totally copied from his wife, who was back at home tending their daughter Momo.
"My name is Shirou Kotomine. Pleased to meet you."
In the Throne of Heroes, Counter Guardian Shirou Tokisada Amakusa raged at a man who could have passed as his twin brother.
"You stole my role, EMIYA!" railed the Epic Soul who would have been the Shirou Kotomine in the prime Apocrypha timeline. "You spotlight-stealing bloody magpie of a thief! That was my ten minutes of fame, you know it, and yet you still took it from me!"
Counter Guardian EMIYA let out the sigh of the long-suffering. "Don't get mad at me," he corrected his fellow faux Heroic Spirit. "Get mad at him."
He pointed to their lookalike, the one in the ebon priestly habit, who responded with an insufferably smug smirk he'd copied from his wife.
"Congratulations, Archer," chuckled the priest. "You succeeded in drowning me in my own ideals. Well, I did die–"
"Oh, don't you start," EMIYA grunted.
"–But I wasn't killed," laughed Anti-Hero KOTOMINEMIYA.
"This is Homura's fault," Amakusa muttered. "Curse you, Homura!"
Cue Godoka and Homucifer beating him down. No one makes fun of the Akasha twins and gets away with it.
"You've been quiet, Gretel," the Author of this story noted after he put the finishing touches to the Kyouko route of The Kotomine Gene. "No accusations of violating the Party's rules, no threatening to shoot me with your Makarova, no complaints about how the Omake is longer than the original fic that spawned it, no surprise dere dere reaction..."
"..." The East German zampolit from the Muv-Luv spin-off light novel Schwarzmarken remained uncharacteristically silent.
"I must be doing something right, then. Good to know that the Party approves of my trolling. Well, I guess I'll get myself some rest."
The Author opened the door to his room- and found Gretel Jeckeln gagged and trussed up shibari-style on his bed.
A curious glance over his shoulder confirmed that the person he'd thought to be Gretel was actually Homura Akemi. The cunning looper had taken advantage of her resemblance to the older girl by stealing the latter's tight-fitting Fortified Suit and Makarova pistol, which she now pointed at the Author's bespectacled face.
"I will save Madoka Kaname," Homura growled in the manner of a Utahraptor poised for the pounce. "No matter what."
"Clever girl," quietly applauded the Author.
The cast of Kamen Rider Decade lay sprawled across the smoking gravel pit, devastated by a surprise attack from unexpected foes.
"How?" Natsumi gasped. "How did this happen?"
"Because Sheo Darren is a dick," Daiki grumbled. "That lolicon epebophile deserves getting shot by Homura."
"Damn you, Decade," Narutaki and company groaned from where they had been pile driven heads first into the gravel. "This is your fault..."
"I told you," Tsukasa panted. "Momo Sakura is the Riders' enemy. Riders cannot live with Momo Sakura, and Momo Sakura cannot live with Riders. Only one can stand. Unless Momo Sakura is destroyed… all Riders will be destroyed."
"Tsukasa-san is correct," agreed the pink-haired girl who eyed them with once-cute eyes that were now cold and empty. "I am your enemy. You removed me from this timeline. Because I was gone, bad things happened to Mom and Dad and big sister Kyouko. I can never forgive you for ruining their lives, for ruining my life!" She shook her small fist at Tsukasa. "So I will destroy you, Decade, Destroyer of Worlds!"
"Momo Sakura," Tsukasa growled as he hauled himself onto his feet. "I will not rest until I defeat you!" He brought up the Decade Card and slid it across the Decadriver. "Transform!"
[KAMEN RIDE: D-D-D-DECADE!]
Momo Sakura held up a ornate rosary made of glittery pigeon blood-red crystal. "Let's Rosario Rize!" she cried out. "Rosario Red!"
"Rosario Blue!" replied Tatsuya Kaname.
"Rosario Green!" responded Yuuma Chitose.
"Rosario RWBY!" answered Charlotte.
"Rosario White!" reacted Nagisa Momoe.
"No fair!" Useless exclaimed. "Charlotte and Nagisa are the same character! That's a prime taradox right there! And stop screwing up my name, Sheo Darren! Homura already shot you!"
The four girls and one boy ignored him. They transformed to colorful explosions and fancy poses.
"DIVINE MYSTERIES ROSARIOGERS! WE WILL PUNISH YOU IN THE NAME OF POPE PALPATINE THE SITH!"
And there was much rejoicing.
KAMEN RIDER DECADE VERSUS DIVINE MYSTERIES ROSARIOGERS THE MOVIE