128Many thanks to RandomGushingGan, Ashley Renee, Kactuskat16, Baoh joestar, and Selenay of Antioch for reviewing the last chapter! I appreciate y'all. :)
"Sometimes you make sins
sometimes sins make you."
― Vanshicca Dhyani
Riptide
Before we part ways completely, Kuwabara and Yukina give Kuronue and I the run-down. Everyone is still convinced that they're searching for Garasuke, not Karasu—thus their ineffectiveness at catching him. They're afraid to use force.
But the trail hasn't gone cold by any means. Karasu has been hovering around the burnt-out shell of Genkai's temple and the surrounding woods, making it easy for them to track him. I know that he's staying in the same area to wait for me, but the fact that he hasn't killed anyone else yet confuses me. It makes more sense when they explain that Jin, Touya, Chu, and Chu's girlfriend—a demoness he'd met at the first Makai Tournament—are taking shifts hunting Karasu and protecting Kurama's and my families. When they tell me this, I feel a sharp twist of guilt in my gut. Something else I can never repay them for.
The twins are excited to see their cousin Reiko, so their tears are at a minimum when we finally separate. When they are gone, their presence is replaced by a persistent, gnawing hollow at the bottom of my stomach. But I know that I have to do this for them especially.
It takes us a couple weeks to find someone to give us passage. Kuronue is confused at my refusal to use any of his Reikai connections, but doesn't question it too much. If Yomi is right, I want to steer clear of Reikai as much as I possibly can.
When I step into the Human World for the first time in two years, I am suddenly sympathetic to Hiei's complaints. Ningenkai is a riot of smells, none of which go together. The scents in Makai all follow a theme, at least—death, blood, destruction. Human World has a rotting rat corpse here, plastic there, mold and flowers and smoke and tepid water and—
Breathe in.
Kuronue pretends to not notice my preoccupation. I edge closer to him subconsciously; the smell of Makai is clinging to his clothes and hair.
Breathe out.
I feel my lip curl. "I understand what Hiei was talking about. I'm starting to get a headache."
Kuronue laughs at me. "Yeah, that. You'll get used to it."
The portal had opened up in the basement of a Makaian expat's café. He and his wife ignore us as we emerge from downstairs. When we leave the building, a delivery truck belches an offensive plume of exhaust in our direction. Now, there is more—cheap perfume rising from a forty-something woman, rubber from squealing tires and shoes alike, and asphalt baking underneath it all—
I pull up the collar of my jacket and cover my nose. Kuronue laughs at me again.
Kuronue has morphed into his human form again, but we still attract stares. I still look mostly human—my differences are subtle and are only obvious to the most brave of observers. My face is scarred yes, but the lines are thin. My teeth are the most distinctive difference—but I have no reason to show them to anyone here, so they remain safely hidden behind my lips.
Maybe they subconsciously know that we're different. We are given a wide berth even on crowded train compartments. A mother pulls her small children to the other side of the sidewalk, hugging the gutter. The moment I make eye contact with anyone, they immediately drop their gaze.
It's empowering and isolating at the same time.
It's the final reminder that I no longer belong to this world.
As we ride the last train we'll need to take to get to Genkai's property, the darkness outside transforms the window across from me into a mirror. It's the first time I've seen a proper, unobstructed view of myself since I've changed, and I don't waste the opportunity.
From a distance, I would look the same. Only someone who knew me very well would be able to note the differences.
I'm paler, and it's no wonder. The sun almost never shines in Makai. I'm thinner in some ways, larger in others—I now have the same stocky quality that Hiei has. Short, but strong. The hood on my jacket is about to come off, so I shrug and let it fall. If I don't feel like growing my hair out again, I'll need to cut it soon. It lays in jagged chunks at the nape of my neck and just under my cheekbones—a sad, ugly little mullet. It grows slower than it used to—another "perk" of my demonification? I don't know. I reach back, pick up my hood, and cover it once more.
I'm dressed in all black—Hiei had surprisingly furnished me with the three items of clothing I now have to my name. Long pants fitted at the ankles, a ragged, boxy shirt, and a thick jacket that I would've assumed had been made of wool… if they had sheep in Makai. It's just as scratchy and about twice as warm. "Doesn't show blood," Hiei had grunted in response when I'd questioned him. Before, I'd wearing hand-me-downs to train in. Shigure had given me the boots a couple months ago. Getting used to them had been strange—I'd trained barefoot from the moment I could walk.
None of Genkai's wards are left, and we make it to the temple with no issues. The flight of stone stairs looks unkempt, overgrown with ivy and grass sprouting in cracks. But it's nothing compared to the temple.
A few of the outer walls are still standing, along with a few chimney stacks. But Genkai's temple, once a sprawling place of retreat, is a burnt-out shell. It hasn't taken nature very long to creep back in. As we walk among charred timbers, a few animals scurry away, hiding amongst the ruin.
It's only been two years, but the events of that day are from an entirely different life. The temple has the feel of ancient ruins, abandoned even by ghosts in its antiquity. The last time I'd laid eyes on this place, I'd been human and it had been in flames. Now, everyone who was present that day were either dead or scattered.
I'd lost my son that day, but I'd lost my family, too.
"You okay?"
Kuronue's voice is subdued, but still serves its purpose—snapping me out of my daze. I blink, and notice the bronze Buddha statue lying sideways on the ground, blackened by smoke. Genkai had been meditating when Karasu attacked. I am probably standing exactly where she'd died.
"We all thought she was going to outlive us," I mutter, and turn away.
It doesn't take us long to find Jin and Touya. They've noticed our arrival, and we sense them coming the moment they turn our way. They're a few miles in the forest surrounding (and now, encroaching on) Genkai's temple. We decide to wait on them in the ruins of her Zen garden. Almost all the sand has blown away.
"Kuronue?" Jin calls.
"Over here!"
There's a pause, and then I hear them walking towards us. "Who's tha' with ya? Th' energy signature's not familiar—"
They round the corner of a still-standing brick wall, and Jin nearly reels back in shock. Touya is a bit more reserved, as usual—but does a double take. Ironically, he's the first to speak.
"Reina?"
I shoot them a hesitant smile, painfully aware of my very sharp, very demonic teeth. "In the flesh."
That's all the invitation Jin needs. He's fast, but I'm pleased to find that instead of blurring in his haste to get to me, I see every step and allow myself to be caught up in one of his infamous hugs.
"How th' hell are ya?" He puts me down with a bit more force than necessary, and holds me at arm's length, looking me up and down. Then his grin widens. "Ah told you yeh'd make a fine demon, didn't I?"
"I thought that was Chu," Touya says mildly, tilting his head to one side to catch my eye. One of his pale, blue eyebrows lift. "B-class, huh? That's no small feat. Surely you have a good reason for doing…" I feel his eyes travel along the scar on the right side of my face, and he frowns uncertainly, "…this."
Jin claps me on the shoulder, unfazed. "That's a story I wanna hear!"
"And you will," I assure them. I look up at Jin, and choose my words carefully. "But… if I do tell you… you can't tell anyone. Especially not Kurama. I know that's a tall order, but if you can't do it—you're better off not knowing, trust me."
Instantly, Jin's cheery expression darkens, and his hand slips off my shoulder. "Now, I don't like the sound o' that." He turns, exchanges a loaded look with Touya, and then turns back to me, sighing and rubbing the back of his neck, his piercing blue eyes clouded with worry. "Alrigh'. We promise. Go on an' tell us—what have ya gotten yourself into now…?"
I tell them all of it—Garasuke being Karasu the entire time, his message to me just before he attacked the temple, my mission… everything. They're both silent, even Jin, throughout the entirety of it, only nodding and looking more confused and worried by the second. When I finish, they seem to think about it for a moment, eyes downcast, brows furrowed. Then, after much deliberation, Jin's head pops back up.
"An' why can't Kurama know about this?"
I hesitate before I explain.
"Many reasons," I hedge. "Mainly, because he'd never let me do this alone, if he knew. And…"
This is difficult to explain to someone outside of our relationship. They hadn't seen him the past twelve years, not like I had. It takes me a good minute to figure out how to express it, but when I do, it almost surprises me, too.
"He wanted this." I wave at the temple, the realm we're standing in. "A human life. A family. I think, on some level… I didn't." Jin's perplexed expression freezes, and Touya nods as if I'd just confirmed his suspicions. I heave a sigh, and fold my hands in front of me. "If I can spare him from having to kill his own kid… I'll do it. I should be the one, even if Karasu hadn't made that threat. If a life in the Human World is what Kurama wants, then I want his conscience to be as clear as possible… so he can have it. So he can move on."
Something about what I've said seems to stun Jin, because his mouth opens and shuts a couple times before he speaks. "Move on? Without you?"
I'm very much aware of Kuronue's presence, and don't miss Touya's eyes cutting to him briefly. "Yes," I say carefully. "I don't belong here anymore… never did. And over the years, he's made it abundantly clear that he wants to live a human life and nothing more." I shrug. "It's been over for years. It's just time to accept it and move on."
"Aw, Rei'…"
"Where does Karasu's trail end?" Kuronue interrupts.
Jin and Touya exchange a quick glance, and then Touya shrugs. "Follow us."
"We haven't caught a glimpse o' him this time," Jin tells us as we reach the end of the trail. "But we know his scent well enough."
I nod, breathing in a scent that is both familiar and unfamiliar. Even humans have some instincts—including a reaction to familiar smells. My mother's heart stirs briefly, but is drowned out by the static hum of my core. "I can see where you had trouble. He's like Kurama in that his scent is so similar to… plants, the forest," I inhale again, "moss, bark. It just… fades into the background."
Touya grunts in agreement.
"I'm guessing you don't sleep out here," Kuronue says, crossing his arms and looking pensive. "You'd be sitting ducks."
"No, we don't." Touya confirms. "Genkai had an old training compound built inside a cave. It's where Kurama trained us when he was caught up in Yomi's affairs. That's where we're staying."
"It's where Shizuru's stayin' as well," Jin adds.
Shizuru. She'd chosen to stay in Ningenkai, Yukina had told us—falling in with our powerful friends to stay safe.
Touya turns and gives Jin a strange look—surprised and stern at the same time. Jin catches it and his reaction is equally confusing—he looks cowed, and sets his mouth in a grim line.
"…What?" I ask, and they both glance at me. Jin smiles, but it doesn't reach his eyes.
"Nothin'." He shrugs, and glances up into the branches above out heads. "Sun's about to set. We should be headin' out."
"No doubt Karasu will return once he catches your scent," Touya adds, and turns to lead the way. Jin follows him without another word. After exchanging a confused look, Kuronue and I do the same.
"Wait."
Jin doesn't raise his voice much, but it's loud enough to stop us. I skid to a stop a few yards ahead of them, my momentum carrying me. When I turn, Jin's face is a mask of concentration, and Touya's posture is rigid, defensive. Immediately, I instinctively slink into a low crouch and take a few steps towards them, flaring my aura for nearby threats.
"What? What is it?" My voice is a touch too loud, a touch too tense. But before they answer, I figure it out on my own.
Karasu's scent, fresh and strong, blows past us on a breath of wind. I suck in a startled breath, spinning to face the trail. It winds up the mountain, in the direction we were headed.
"He's already revealed himself," Touya snaps.
I don't hear anything else, if they say it. I'm already gone.
Because I no longer have specialized powers, I devote the entirety of my demonic energy into bracing myself for hand-to-hand combat, for stamina, for strength. While I'm not as fast as Hiei, I outpace Jin, Touya, and Kuronue. I hear howling behind me as Jin pulls wind from the sky to follow; wings beat the air as Kuronue takes flight as well. While Touya lags behind, they quickly catch up with me, unencumbered by trees and brambles. With Karasu's scent filling my lungs, I claw my way up the scree slope of the mountain—unhindered, until they both land in front of me.
I slide to a stop with a snarl already on my tongue. "Get out of my way!"
"Stop, for a second—stop!" Kuronue lifts his wings to further block my path as I make an attempt to go around them. The mountain is too steep, and they're blocking the safest path up. His eyes and voice are earnest as they are urgent. "Remember—you need to take him by surprise. It's the best chance you have."
"How—"
"By letting him believe you're still human," Kuronue interrupts. "If you run up there at full speed, you lose your advantage."
"I don't need an advantage," I growl, but my voice has lost its bite. I am driven nearly mad with Karasu's scent in the air, with knowing that I am so close—but his words stay me. I remember. It sets my teeth on edge, but I remember that I have to exercise caution.
He mutely offers me his hand. After a moment of consideration, I take it, and use it to pull myself past him. Walking towards Karasu is painful—agony. We make our way through the wispy clouds, and the thin film of dew it leaves on my skin and clothing chills me to the bone.
Although everything in me is strung tight like a bow, drawing on an image of Karasu, it doesn't surprise me when it's not him who is waiting for us.
The boy is taller. Older.
Garasuke stands with his back to us all, studying the cave where I assume Shizuru is hiding. The wind gusts and ruffles his hair—the same shade as mine. When he hears us, he turns, and smiles.
Kurama's eyes study us closely from my son's face. His expression is a mockery of childlike innocence, open and curious.
What does surprise me is how much his presence strikes me. Greedily, I take in his features, every inch of his face. I am filling a need I didn't even know I had, but instead of feeling satisfied, it only serves to empty me further. A hollow opens in the center of my chest at the sight of him, deeper and darker than I'd imagined it would be.
Thankfully, Karasu sees fit to end my suffering.
Garasuke's face shifts, distorted as if viewed through water. His limbs elongate, his features thin, and he grows taller. I can sense Jin and Touya bristling with anger and shock behind me—though they know what his true form is; seeing it firsthand is a different story altogether.
Silence yawns wide in the space between us; the wind buffets the mountaintop and swirls Karasu's dark hair around his face. He smiles, and his eyes narrow. "Hello, mother."
Behind me, Kuronue can't quite hold back a low hiss.
I ignore him. My feet take me forward, and Karasu watches my progress with laser focus. I am keenly aware of how narrow the ridge is, how steep the drop is on either side. There is no room for error. My only saving grace is that we're too high up for plants to grow. There is only rock and dust and wind.
My last stride is a bit wider than the one before. I shift my weight onto my leading foot, and launch myself forward.
His shock allows me to knock him to the ground—he stares up at me with surprising calmness as my fingers curl around his throat, but I don't pay it any mind—I flip off of him, dragging him into the air and throwing him against the ground to stun him. Karasu manages to right himself, jerking his head up as I drive my fist into his gut. He doubles over and I grab the nape of his neck, heaving him between the others and me. They take a few steps back as I advance, their eyes on Karasu. And then, before he can rise from the ground, I drive my foot into his back, grab his chin and the back of his head, and pull with all my strength.
His skin feels wrong under my fingers—rough, too hard. What strikes me the most is his lack of response—he almost seems dazed, his hands reaching up in a weak attempt to pry my arms away.
And then I hear it.
As his skin, muscles, and bone begin to give, I know that the sound is wrong. It's a creaking, a groaning—nothing like the sound of tearing flesh. It's almost like…
"Reina!"
My concentration is broken as Shizuru sprints towards us from the cave behind me—I glance back and see that her eyes are wide in terror. She sees Karasu on the ground and nearly falls over herself coming to a stop. She can't get the words out. She points at him and stammers something intelligible, her words lost in the wind.
I look back down at Karasu.
The stench of gunpowder hits me, and I know.
I grab the thing by its throat, and throw it off the side of the mountain.
"Get down!" I scream to the others, and run to Shizuru. I barely manage to reach her in time before Karasu's doppelganger explodes.
The blast sends us careening off the ridge; Shizuru screams as we fall; I try to make my arms a cage to protect her as we slam into the side of the mountain once, twice—nearly rolling down the steep slope.
We can't survive this fall. I can't, and Shizuru sure as hell can't, no matter what I do to protect her. As soon as we hit the ground, we're dead.
I grip her tightly with one arm, and throw the other out blindly.
My fingers dig into rock, creating long, deep gashes into the granite. Suddenly, the mountainside slopes sharply away from me, and I lose my grip. We fall straight down—no longer spinning—for a few seconds until my fingers finally find purchase. The sudden stop jerks Shizuru out of my grip, and she yelps in fear before I grab her forearm with my left hand. I look down and see her hanging over the cloudbank, one hand in mine, the other swinging beside her, and tighten my grip more.
"I've got you!" I shout over the howling wind. She nods, her features tight with fear, and grabs my arm with her other hand. I look up, check my grip on the ledge, and start to pull her up.
When she gets close enough, she lets my arm go and pulls herself up completely. Both hands free now, I dig all ten bloodied fingers into the ledge above my head. Shizuru's head appears, and she wordlessly grabs both of my arms.
"No—" I manage, and she stops.
"I won't drop you, Reina," she says with reproach in her brown eyes.
"No, I just…" I note the blood trickling over her brow, imagine her pulling me up. The mental image it conjures doesn't end well. "I don't want to drag you down with me."
Something I don't understand flashes across her face, and her fingers tighten on my arms. "You won't."
She pulls me onto the ledge beside her, and we both flatten ourselves against the rock face, trying to catch our breath.
We both looked up as we heard Jin and Kuronue shouting our names. I cup my hands around my mouth to amplify the sound and whistle, bringing them swooping down on our little ledge. Kuronue reaches for me, but I take Jin's outstretched hand instead, pretending to not see Kuronue's searching gaze.
We set up camp in the training cave, with the wind howling all around us. It is the safest place on Genkai's property now, what with the lack of plant life. It means that Karasu can't take us by surprise—we know that he is dangerous, and is probably carrying seeds on his person, but he can't manipulate anything around us.
We discuss our next moves around a small campfire. The smoke curls up through a hole cut into the rock far above our heads—placed there by Genkai or natural causes, it serves our purposes well. The fire is mostly for Shizuru's benefit. We're in the middle of November, and at this altitude, winter has already arrived—but I find that the cold doesn't bother me too much. The other demons in our group feel the same way.
"It was a plant," I argue. "There's no reason to believe that Karasu knows I turned because his puppet saw me."
"He had to be close enough to manipulate it." Kuronue shrugs and lifts his hands as I glare at him. "Maybe he couldn't see through the double's eyes. But he may have seen you with his own."
"If he had t' be that close, we would've sensed 'im," Jin rebuffs. Point, Reina.
"Because you've done such a great job of tracking him," Kuronue mutters, and Touya frowns.
"Now that we know who we're looking for…" he says pointedly. Thankfully, Kuronue lets it go. I sigh and poke the flames with a stick, sending up a few stray sparks.
"There's another problem. It's been almost a month since Kuronue and I left Shigure's. Kurama would've woken up a while ago, and he probably knows exactly where we were headed. He won't be long, now." I look up at Jin and Touya. "I'm sorry for the position I've put you in," I say sincerely. "Especially after everything you've already done for us."
"Well, there ain't much we can do 'bout it now. I say we get some rest." Jin rises to his feet, and retreats behind one of the many columns. He returns with a couple sleeping bags, and tosses them to Kuronue and me. I turn the bundle in my hands for a moment, and then set it down, rising to my feet.
"I'll take first watch." I catch Kuronue's severe expression, and roll my eyes. "I will sleep. Just not yet. I couldn't sleep right now if I tried."
"I know the feeling," Shizuru mutters, her tone subdued. She hasn't been speaking much at all, likely jarred by the attack earlier. I shoot her a small smile, and walk towards the mouth of the cave.
It's actually eight feet above my head, only a few roughly hewn stone steps carved into the wall to assist with entering and exiting the cave. It was more a courtesy than anything—Shizuru had been the only one to use them. The rest of us are perfectly capable of clearing the distance between the entrance and the floor of the cave.
Genkai had developed the cavern to her purposes—placing stone columns throughout the interior to support its structure, flattening the floor into a level surface. As I near the entrance, I crouch down and spring up towards the entrance, settling into a small hollow just under the stone overhang.
I cross my legs in front of me, stretching them, and lean my head back against the rock. From this vantage point, I can see the ridge stretching out before me, allowing for an easy visual of anyone who would approach the cave.
While I watch, I think.
Whether or not I wanted to admit it, seeing the face of my son… had made me hesitate. I hadn't been counting on that. I've been assuming that my new form, my new instincts, the bloodlust… would be enough to rid me of the last remnants of love I had for him. Apparently, this isn't the case. Apparently, what's left of my humanity is strong enough, loud enough to interfere at even the most crucial moment.
And then, there's the matter of the mark.
The buzzing in my head from overexposure to the Human World's many sounds and smells is entirely different from the pressure of Kurama's mind on mine. Now that I'm in the backwoods, far from the many distractions that urban settings have to offer, the more certain I am of Kurama's approach. I'm not practiced enough or willing to reach out him to pinpoint his exact location, but I can guess. Days, at most. Hours, more likely.
My advantage of surprise is gone. No doubt Kuronue will side with Kurama when he realizes this.
Kurama will soon be here. I will have to make my move before I'm unable to make it at all. Which means that I'll have to kill Karasu with brute force and without strategy, or lead him away. Either way, I am going to reveal myself long before I can manage to kill him.
"Time's up."
I jolt from my reverie, cursing myself for being taken by surprise when I was supposed to be keeping watch. I collect my features into a neutral mask before I rise to my full height, my limbs stiff with disuse. Hours have passed with my deliberations. Kuronue lifts an eyebrow at me, and makes a show of stepping aside so I can pass by him into the cave.
I lay down, curled into a ball on top of a sleeping bag, but don't sleep. I can't.
I'm still awake when Kurama arrives.
Kuronue lets us know by returning from his watch early. I meet his gaze, and understand. The others rouse themselves, rubbing sleep from their eyes and assembling in a loose semicircle by the entrance to meet him.
"What's going on?"
Shizuru's voice is a sleep-deprived croak, but pierces the silence like a gunshot. I glance back at her as she crawls out of her own sleeping bag with a nervous frown on her face.
"It's not Karasu," I assure her. "It's Kurama. Ahead of schedule, as always."
Her face changes—it's not relief, not what I expect. Her expression shifts immediately from confusion to mute horror. She ducks her chin quickly, hiding her face, but I have no time to question her. Kurama is close enough for me to hear his footsteps, gravel crunching as he makes his way across the ridge.
The weight of his mind is crushing. I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping the specifics of his emotions out, but the full brunt of it is jarring. Under it, my mind scrambles in panic. Had it been like this for him, all the time? It's unbearable.
I draw a shuddering breath that is not missed by my demonic companions, and lift my eyes to the cave entrance just as Kurama passes through it.
He pauses on the ledge and regards us with an unreadable expression, before simply stepping forward and landing in a crouch before us. He takes his time rising to his full height, his eyes darting to each face, landing on mine and lingering. Then, it shifts past me. I turn and follow his gaze to Shizuru, who seems rooted to the spot and suddenly very, very small.
'Shizuru,' Kurama's thoughts, jarring my own, rings like a bell in my skull. The relief in his tone is palpable. Frowning in confusion, I turn from Shizuru's horrified expression to look at him closely.
His gaze meets mine, and he seems to draw back a little, the openly relieved expression on his face dwindling somewhat. He looks at me for a few heavy moments, and then his gaze flicks back to Shizuru uncertainly.
I don't purposefully listen. But I don't push his thoughts away, either.
'Did she…?' Kurama's thoughts break off into incomplete deliberations, snippets of whispers and concerns and…
The room is dark, but he can see her fully. A sliver of light shines on her back, an unbroken expanse of skin patterned by the afternoon sunlight filtering through the blinds. His hand reaches out, and his fingers trace lightly over her ribs, to the valley of her waist, and…
His thoughts suffocate me. I can't breathe under them. I feel my limbs lock in place as the assault continues:
She's laughing, and it releases something in his chest, pent-up anxiety and fear and worry uncoiling within him as he does the unthinkable, as he silences the laughter bubbling from her lips with his own—
No.
No more.
I don't want to watch but I can't stop; I watch, stunned and helpless, like a pedestrian witnessing a pileup at an intersection. His thoughts, his feelings, his memories sing from the mark on his shoulder.
I have no right to feel hurt. To feel betrayed. I know that, but…
Shizuru twists in bed, tangling the sheets further around her legs, and sends Kurama an uncharacteristically shy smile.
A small part of my mind feels guilt and humiliation for what I do next, but it's very human, very weak, and does not stop me in time.
I am all demon as I snarl and throw myself against the restraints that are Touya, Jin, and Kuronue—as I stretch myself towards Shizuru. The blood is too much. Her crumpled, barely-conscious weakness is too much—I have hurt her, but not enough. She stares at me with a vaguely fearful expression on her bruised face, and I hate that I want her suffering—but not enough to keep myself from turning and snapping at Jin like a feral animal. He jerks back just in time, releasing me, and I get half a step of purchase before Touya grips me around the waist, pinning my arms to my sides with bone-crushing force. I twist, he grunts, and find myself flying through the air.
Kuronue's face is a mixture of demonic anger—teeth bared, free hand up and ready—but there's concern there too. I claw at the hand around my throat, but he doesn't flinch as I tear his arm to ribbons. I'm not fighting him because I can't breathe—but because he won't let me go, I need to kill them, I need to hurt them, I need—
I need air.
I open my mouth, but nothing happens when I try to breathe in.
The distraction helps me find my bearings again, and I simultaneously thank and curse Kuronue's wisdom as the full weight of what I've done seeps into my chest like poison. He sees the shift in my expression, and loosens his grip a little.
"Are you done?" he grunts.
"Y-y," I croak, but he understands me anyway. He drops me, and the pressure of the rock wall on my back is the only thing that keeps me standing as I gag and gasp for air. He doesn't touch me, but stands guard barely a foot away, his arms lifted to fend me off if I decide to attack again.
The cave is utterly silent. The crackle of flames is thunderously loud as I finally manage to lift my head.
Everyone is staring at me.
Kurama is in the front of the pack; Jin and Touya are behind him. All of them stand between me and Shizuru, who has struggled to her feet. I catch a glimpse of her face over Touya's shoulder. She quickly averts her gaze in shame.
I could've killed her.
I very nearly did.
I close my eyes, and am immediately greeted with an image of myself—Kurama's thoughts, too loud to ignore. I am so different to him. A scarred, pale shadow of the person I once was. I am a creature, a wild thing: eyes lit with bloodlust, short, uneven hair, hands like claws, teeth bared, face a mask of hatred. I am unrecognizable—I am a demon, half feral, entirely unpredictable. Kuronue is right to put himself between me and Shizuru. I am not to be trusted.
Somehow, this hurts worse than knowing that Kurama fucked her.
"I need to leave," I hiss. Kuronue shifts as if to escort me out, and I shoot him a baleful look. "Alone."
I am able to leave the cave without interruption. Kuronue's only involvement is to pivot, keeping himself between me and the others. As soon as I make it outside, I am running.
I can't decide what the driving force is, though—fury, or guilt. They come in equal waves as I tear down the mountainside like a force of nature, ripping a ragged hole through the trees and bushes in my path.
I pause in a moonlit clearing, a thin layer of frost crunching under my feet. I stop. I breathe. I think.
Slowly, I unknit the tightly wound knot in the center of my chest. The anger, the guilt, the frustration, the grief, the betrayal—I lay them out like thread, smoothing them down.
I am surprised to find how little my own feelings factor into the worst offender—the hurt associated with Kurama's infidelity. That, at least, I can blame mostly on the mark. It's inspired mostly by that strange feeling of… ownership the mark has given me. Now that I know it for what it is, I let my disgust take almost all of the pain away. Yes, it hurts—but not as much as it should.
Everything else, however, is my fault.
No matter what Kurama had done, no matter how new I am to this life as a demon… I'd tried to kill Shizuru. Without a second thought. I'd turned on her like a barely tamed dog embracing old instincts.
Nearly two years into this, and I am still overwhelmed by this new body and all its urges.
A southern wind wafts over me, and I freeze. A quick glance at the moon tells me I've been here, lost in thought, for some time. Enough time for him to find me. I mask my shock and turn, facing the woods.
"Do you have a death wish?" I murmur, worrying that shouting or snarling the words at him—as I so want to do—will unleash another furious rage. Kurama emerges from the shadows, and his expression is grave.
A sharp blast of wind signals someone else's arrival. "I told him not to follow you."
And there we are—the three of us. Kurama standing in the shadow of an oak, Kuronue between us, but a little off to the right. I watch as Kurama turns his gaze on his oldest friend, his expression slowly becoming malevolent, his frown deepening with distaste.
"And I told you," Kurama intones coldly, "that this is a family matter."
My sharp burst of laughter startles them all.
"Family?" I utter in disbelief. "That is fucking rich, coming from you. I'm actually impressed."
Kurama turns his frown on me. "What vows have you left unbroken, Reina?"
"Other than fidelity?"
His gaze snaps to Kuronue as soon as my words hit the air between us, and I sigh, turning towards the demon in question as well. "That's right," I continue, waving at an increasingly uncomfortable-looking Kuronue, "Two years alone with an old flame, and I didn't fuck him. Two years with a friend you had no prior attraction to…" I meet Kurama's gaze, and shrug. "Well, as far as I'm aware of… Game on. Ironic, huh?"
"I will not discuss this with him," Kurama says cooly. "If what you say is true, Kuronue has no stake in this."
"Still here, guys."
I shoot Kuronue an exasperated look that Kurama mirrors. "Maybe you should go," I say pointedly.
Kuronue scowls at me in a concerned sort of way, and then tilts his head in Kurama's direction. I sigh. "The man can't hurt me when he doesn't have a leg to stand on. Go back to the cave." I hesitate. "Tell Shizuru I'm sorry. She… didn't deserve that. Kurama's instant replay of their escapades took me by surprise," Kurama recoils in shock—good, "but that was no excuse for what I did."
Kuronue seems just as startled as Kurama. But he nods and unfurls his wings. "If you're sure."
He leaves, and Kurama and I are finally alone.
I settle him with a glare. "Just so we're clear, that… overreaction was mostly the mark scrambling my brain. Who or what you decide to screw isn't my concern anymore. So you should get that taken care of next time you see Shigure."
"I do not plan to," he responds, maddeningly calm.
I suppress a growl. "What's your end game, exactly?"
"I will repair the damage I've done," he vows quietly. "And we will move past this."
I stare at him in disbelief. "Kurama, our marriage is over."
He blinks, and steps closer. The moonlight makes his hair look black; his eyes are just as dark. His advance is too predatory for my liking; my hackles rise. "I was not made aware of that decision."
"Our marriage was over long before Garasuke was born," I spit.
Kurama stares at me with a blank expression on his face. His tone, however, is vaguely mocking. "You are still a terrible liar. That, at least, hasn't changed."
Frustration curls my lips into a grimace. "And you're still choosing to ignore inconvenient truths."
Something about that stuns him a bit; he pauses and stares at me with open-faced confusion. His next words are seemingly unrelated to the matter at hand.
"Looking at you…" he hesitates. "Seeing what you've become. Reina, if you can only tell me one thing, tell me this—at what point did I so deeply fail and disappoint you… that your only option was to become this." He makes a small, gentle gesture towards me, towards my torn-apart and hewn-together patchwork body, and I am stunned.
My breath hitches in my chest. I had expected many things, but this earnest, vulnerable-sounding speech hadn't been among them.
Despite myself, I feel my heart breaking for him. There is no manipulation, no stubbornness, no sly jab in his words—only pain.
"You aren't perfect," I admit gruffly. "But don't ever blame yourself for this."
I can't get by without telling him the truth, the whole truth. So, with a shuddering sigh, I begin.
"By now, you know what Garasuke… who Garasuke is." Kurama freezes, and only his head is free—he nods mutely, expression unreadable. "What you don't know… is that he spoke to me. Before he attacked that day.
"He burned my leg so I couldn't run from him. While I was there, with him, he told me what he expected of me." I bowed my head, and stared at the crushed frost beneath my feet. "Karasu said that he would only stay dead—that he wouldn't simply take another body—if I killed him myself. If anyone else killed him… he'd just come back." My hands, clasped tightly before me, feel numb. "He'd steal more lives, other bodies. But I knew… you'd never allow me to end it. So after the attack, I withdrew. I focused every ounce of energy into keeping this from you. You thought I was depressed, waiting to die… but I was just waiting for my chance."
I remembered days of sitting mutely in a chair, staring out the window. My mind whirling with possibilities—how to meet Karasu's demands. Every time I sensed Kurama drawing near, I flipped the switch, filling my mind with static so he would never know. Had he pushed, he would've discovered the truth. But for fear of breaking me, Kurama hadn't pried into my mind.
"Your chance…" Kurama says slowly, "was Kuronue."
I snort. "Yeah. He was the only person dumb enough to defy you, and crazy enough to listen to and help me. When he showed up while you were away, I took my chance. And now… I'm here."
"Why this?" Kurama suddenly seethes. He advances another step. His eyes are filled with equal parts agony and betrayal. "Why did you allow Shigure to fashion you into… this?"
I try not to let his disgust hurt me. "I went there hoping that he could simply release my human psychic energy from Koenma's barriers. He couldn't. So, he did the next best thing—made me strong, and gave me a long life. He figured that, if you found out the truth before I was strong enough to come back, I'd at least live long enough to have another go at Karasu when he came back for round two, after you killed him."
"Three," Kurama corrects distractedly, running a hand through his hair. "Round three."
"There won't be a round three," I promise gently. "I will kill him, and that'll be the end of it."
"What I am having trouble understanding…" his hands drop to his sides, and he stares at me. I notice suddenly how old he looks. "Is why. Why this? Why now. And how?"
"Yomi has a theory," I admit. When Kurama's eyes pop wide in horror, I groan. "Forget you heard that."
"Yomi, Reina?" Reproach fills his tone. "Really."
Bile crawls up in my throat as his thoughts totally go there. "Holy, no! Let's make one thing straight—the past two years? I've basically been a cloistered nun, okay? I woke up, got the shit beaten out of me by Hiei, blacked out, woke up, and did it all over again. I went from zero to B class in two years—do you think I had time to even—" Unthinkable. Kurama barely seems convinced, though, and I resist the urge to retch, instead pacing a few steps away from him and spinning back around, throwing up my hands in frustration. "Seriously? I know you don't exactly hold me in high regard anymore, Kurama, but Yomi?!"
Kurama looks extremely uncomfortable, as he should be. "That was a passing thought, nothing more," he insists.
"And it never would've been brought up, had you taken the chance to remove the mark when you could," I respond sullenly.
Disapproval rolls off of him in waves. "Reina, I will not give up on us. I made a vow. We have both broken promises, but I will not abandon hope."
"Until you die in forty years or so, right?"
I've revealed too much. Kurama's expression softens, and I resist the urge to snarl. "I see," he says simply.
I release a frustrated sigh. "Is it wrong for me to not want to force something that will end in the foreseeable future?"
Something like pain flashes in his eyes. "Is the trade-off not worth it?"
His pain is something I hadn't expected. I tread carefully. "Maybe for you," I say as gently as I can. "But you don't have an eternity without me to consider." I turn away from him.
He doesn't speak—at least he gives me time to gather my thoughts. I find the words, and mull over them before speaking.
"Go to Shizuru," I say quietly. "Live the human life you wanted. I'll take care of Karasu… and then I'll go."
"Does Shizuru strike you as the domestic sort?"
Despite my knowing better, I turn to look at him, and scoff. "All I know is that she's far more likely to embrace it than I am."
Regret clouds his expression. "That was a mistake."
I frown, unsure of his meaning. I cross my arms and lift an eyebrow. He sees this, and elaborates:
"Assuming that we wanted the same things from life. "
I freeze. Suddenly, the chill in the air has become effective—I suppress a shiver and curl my arms more tightly around my torso. Kurama doesn't meet my gaze, but he does something surprising—he chuckles, shaking his head.
"So, after all these years… it turned out that Kuronue was right. You were unhappy with your lot."
Despite myself, I feel a smirk forming. "Don't ever tell him that. I'll hear of nothing else for centuries." I pause, feeling suddenly awkward. "I wanted to be happy." No, that isn't quite right. "I had no reason not to be," I amend, and shrug. "I had a loving husband and a kid."
"And then fate intervened," Kurama adds, his tone deceptively even.
I snort. "That's one way of putting it, I guess."
His eyes miss nothing. "What is your way of putting it?"
I shrug. "Again, Yomi has his theories. But I suspect they serve his purposes nicely, so I'm maintaining my doubts, don't worry."
"I'd like to hear about these theories."
"Maybe after Karasu's dead," I hedge, not wanting to give him the wrong impression. I feel some guilt—yes, Garasuke was his son as well—but its overshadowed by the fact that I really want nothing to do with him after this is over. If he were involved, well…
Kurama turns halfway back towards the trees, and lifts a hand as if to take mine. "It's cold. Come back with me."
In response, I hug myself tighter. "I'm aware. Still not a good idea, though."
His hand drops. "You had a lapse in judgment," he assures me quietly.
"Killing sprees are "oopsies" now?" I shake my head. "I'd rather not risk it. I'll sleep out here."
Kurama nods, giving up with surprising ease. "At least come above the tree line. Karasu is still at large."
"Sure." I make no move to walk alongside him. It doesn't take him long to get the hint, and with a parting nod, he melts into the shadows once more. I sigh and then follow his path a few moments later, making sure to hang back.
I hunt around and find a small hollow in the mountainside that will shield me from the wind. I was just settling down when (of course) Kuronue appears, holding my sleeping bag in one hand. He hesitates when he sees my glare.
"It's cold out," he says lamely.
"I'm aware." Realizing that he's done nothing to deserve my antagonism, I avert my gaze. "Thanks."
He drops the sleeping bag on the ground next to me, but doesn't move. He'd better not be considering staying out here, with me. I shift my expression into a more neutral one, lift my face, and deadpan:
"I hope you realize that this changes nothing."
He quirks a smile. "Yup."
I frown, confused by his cheery acceptance of this fact. "So what I don't get, is why you're still hanging around. You get nothing from this… whatever this is." I'm not even sure I can call him my friend anymore. I've treated him like shit over the past couple years. With good intentions, but still…
"Well, that's kind of the point, isn't it?"
I stare at him, trying to read his smile. I come up blank. "Of what?"
His smile widens, and softens. "Loving you."
So, all my efforts have taught him nothing. I avert my gaze again, if only to keep myself from launching a tirade at him.
"Hey, Reina?"
I don't look up.
He continues anyway: "One day, you're going to realize that avoiding pain isn't worth being alone." My fingers, which had been twisting a loose string on my jacket's hem, freeze. "And I'll still be here when it happens—as your friend, even, if that's what you want."
"What a gallant little speech," I mutter.
He chuckles at some joke I don't understand, and turns to go. I heave a strangled, frustrated sigh, and stand.
"Kuronue."
He turns halfway towards me, his face open and expression questioning. I wrestle with an unflattering truth, and it bursts out of me before I'm ready.
"I can't even give you half of what you deserve," I insist, hating that I've somehow lost the cold edge to my voice. Time to be honest, I guess. My hands curl into fists at my sides, fingernails pricking my palms. "You deserve better than this, and you know it."
And, like the bastard he is, he smiles. "Yeah. I know."
Then he turns, and leaves.
I am stunned into silence and inaction for only a few short moments. My head whirls with possibilities, the unexpectedness of it all sending my mind into overdrive. Because, really—Kuronue, becoming… selfless? Kurama and I will never work at this point, but Kuronue has only served to deepen the gulf between us. I've only become more unworthy of him.
I know what I have to do.
I toss the sleeping bag aside, and pick my way down the mountain, careful to make sure no one above hears me. Once I hit the tree line, I'm safe, and pick up my pace.
I will tear this forest apart until I find him.
With any luck, Karasu will be dead before morning—and I will be gone.
This story is quickly coming to a close. If y'all have been around long enough, you already know that I don't have a detailed plan for every story… but I estimate that we only have three or four chapters left, max :)
After that, I'll be taking a break from fanfiction. Gravity will hopefully have some attention turned back on it at some later date, but I'm busily writing my original novel in hopes that I can finally publish. I'll be sure to let y'all know when/if it comes out ;)
Thanks so much for reading and reviewing!