Enter Malvolio; fanfare playing.
(To Audience) Welcome to the premier of the show "Shakespeare's whim". Today we will be talking with the lovebirds of Illyria. Let's give a warm welcome to Orsino and his lucky gal, Viola, as well as Sebastian and Olivia.
Enter Orsino and Viola dressed as Cesario; applause
Where the blazes are the other two? I want answers and I want them NOW!
Aguecheek! AGUECHEEK! Where is that beetle-headed, flap-eared, mewling knave?
(To Orsino and Viola) Come on in. Don't be shy. Have a seat.
Orsino and Viola sit down
(To Aguecheek) Where are Sebastian and Olivia?
Aguecheek: They had to take a detour because of the clay-brained protesters at the G20 summit. They will arrive shortly.
Malvolio: So, since we have only a limited amount of on-air time, we will now start the questions.
(To Orsino) So, Viola, When did you first realize that you love Orsino?
Viola: He's not Viola, I'm Viola.
Malvolio: Then WHY the dickens are you dressed like that?
Viola: Ever since it became known of our love, we have been constantly ambushed by paparazzi and journalists, so I had to put on these clothes just to get here.
Malvolio: Wouldn't it be easier to dress Orsino in a skirt and bonnet?
Viola: We tried that, but everyone, even the paparazzi, started flirting with him.
Malvolio: Oookaaay. Now, what is your answer to the question?
Viola: I realized that I love Orsino the moment I set my eyes on him.
Malvolio: (To Orsino) Same question to you.
Orsino: I realized that I love Viola the moment she revealed her true identity.
Viola: WHAT, only then?
Orsino: Well, it would be a bit odd if I fell in love with my messenger boy.
Viola: Oh… In that case, I forgive you.
Aguecheek: (Aside to Malvolio) Sebastian and Olivia have arrived.
Malvolio: (To Audience) now, let's give another warm welcome to Sebastian and Olivia.
Enter Sebastian and Olivia
Malvolio: (To Sebastian and Olivia) Welcome, we have been expecting you for quite a while.
Oh, where are my manners? Have a seat.
Sebastian and Olivia sit down
So, Sebastian, how are you feeling?
Sebastian: Ugh. The etiquette lessons are something quite atrocious.
Olivia: What are you talking about? Etiquette is the most beautiful and brilliant thing in the world.
Sebastian: Easy for you to say, you are probably already used to it, while I have always been allowed to be free.
Orsino: If you two are done bickering, there is an interview to be done.
Antonio (To Sebastian): It is I, my love, I have come to save you from Olivia and her atrocious etiquette.
Antonio grabs Sebastian and runs offstage
Olivia: ANTONIO. Give me back my husband!
Olivia grabs a chair and runs offstage; sound of chair breaking and Sebastian and Olivia enter.
Malvolio: Looks like you got your husband back.
Olivia: Yes, but at terrible and unspeakable price.
Malvolio: What happened?
Olivia: I BROKE A NAIL!
Paramedics walk across the stage with a heavily bandaged Antonio in the stretcher
Olivia: Oh, and I broke Antonio with the chair.
(Aside) Or did I break the chair with Antonio.
Orsino: Well done, never did like that chap.
Malvolio: Well, I'm sorry to say this, but there is no time left to continue this episode. You have all been wonderful guests and I hope to see you again on this show.
(To audience) Don't forget to watch our show next week when we will be interviewing King Macbeth, the ghost of King Duncan, Lady Macbeth, and others who were involved in Macbeth's journey for power, including the three hags and Hecate. Also, we hope to Interview Antonio when he is released from the hospital.
(To all) Goodnight everyone.