Disclaimer: I don't own the rights to The Hobbit or any of its characters, etc.
Part I: The Holiday
Radagast didn't like unexpected visits. Particularly not from his neighbour, the elvenking of Mirkwood. Not that the elvenking was in the habit of visiting him, but that only made the visit all the more unexpected.
"Why don't you ask Saruman?" asked Radagast bluntly. "He's a much more powerful wizard than I am."
"He's also much farther away," said Thranduil. "It's a very simple thing I want. Just a potion. You have lots of those, don't you?"
"Not a potion that will transport you into a different world," said Radagast. "I'm all out of those. The White Council uses them to send Mary Sues home."
He cocked an eyebrow at Thranduil.
"You're not thinking of sending Legolas away, are you?" he asked.
"No," said Thranduil. "I'm going to take a holiday myself."
"In the human world?" said Radagast in horror. "I hate to break it to you, but you won't get much rest and relaxation there."
Thranduil snooted haughtily and did not deign to answer. He was looking over the bottles on Radagast's shelves.
"May I ask what gave you the idea?" asked Radagast curiously.
"The Mary Sues come here all the time and mess things up," said Thranduil. "So I thought I'd go to their world and let them see how it feels."
Radagast glanced at the bag of gold Thranduil had brought for payment and considered. This could be interesting.
"All right," he said, "I do have one bottle left. I've been keeping it for emergencies in case things got really bad here, but I suppose I could always mix up some more."
He pulled a small vial from under his bed. "Ten gold pieces," he said. "And you must promise to tell me all about it when you get back."
Legolas woke up feeling bouncy. The sun was shining and it was a beautiful morning. He leaped lightly out of bed and donned his pale blue bathrobe. Then he stood in front of his mirror and examined himself.
"Your highness," said a voice behind him. He turned and beheld the royal butler.
"Good morning, Galion," said Legolas. "Two bottles of Dorwinion to my room, please. And I want breakfast at nine as usual."
"Your highness, I'm afraid we have a royal emergency," said Galion. "Your father has gone on a holiday."
"He needs a holiday," said Legolas lightly. He was still in a light mood. "He's been planning to take one for awhile - hasn't he told you? I'm not satisfied with the way my robes have been pressed. One of them had wrinkles in it yesterday."
"But your highness," said Galion, "he went on a holiday to the human world."
"He went where?" said Legolas, pausing in the middle of brushing his hair and staring in horror at Galion.
"I tried to stop him," said Galion apologetically. "He wouldn't listen to me."
"But this is horrible," said Legolas. "How long ago did he leave?"
"More than fifteen minutes ago, your highness."
"I must go after him at once," said Legolas rushing out of his bedroom and down the hall towards the elvenking's chambers.
"But your highness," said Galion, pursuing him, "do you think that would be wise? The elvenking is unlikely to listen to you if you tell him to come back and anyway, I'm sure he is capable of taking care of himself."
"I'm not worried about him," said Legolas. "I'm worried for the humans. Who knows what he might do to their world?"
He entered his father's apartments and looked around, expecting to behold a magic portal.
"Um, Galion," he said, "how exactly do I get to the human world?"
"The elvenking drank that potion on the dressing table," explained Galion.
"Aha!" said Legolas, snatching up the bottle. The elvenking had, with characteristic economy, reserved half of the potion.
"But who will look after the woodland realm if both of you are gone?" said Galion, hoping Legolas would appoint him.
"I won't be gone long," said Legolas. "Good bye!"
He swallowed the potion.
Thranduil had never experienced teleportation before and he had just discovered that it was not his favourite mode of travel. His elk was much more comfortable, not to mention dignified. For the first three minutes after falling into the human world the elvenking was unable to do anything beyond try to stay upright and get the nasty feeling of spinning in circles to die away. When at last the little floating candles had disappeared and he was able to see clearly he found that he was standing next to a busy intersection and that the walk light had just turned green. A crowd of pedestrians was pushing past him to get onto the crosswalk.
Thranduil glanced around at the tall buildings in disgust. It looked a little like Mordor. Cigarette ends all over the pavement. Nasty smells of exhaust. Why had he come here for a holiday? There weren't many ways he could make the place worse.
Suddenly he noticed a smell that was not unpleasant. It was emanating from a building on the far side of the street toward which a lot of other people were headed. Thranduil decided to check it out.
The place seemed to be entirely devoted to the grinding, brewing, and selling of a small dark bean. The drink they made from it looked suspiciously like an orc draught, but it smelled good and the person portrayed on the cup looked slightly elvish, so Thranduil swept to the counter to place an order.
"What do you want?" asked the cashier.
"The best you have," said Thranduil. "And hurry. Er, how much does it cost?"
"Well, um, I like the toffee mocha frappacino. It's seven dollars and sixty-five cents."
Thranduil paid with his Mirkwood credit card which was the only form of currency he had that the machine would accept. Then he took his styrofoam cup and moved over to a table by a window overlooking the very ugly and boring street. Thranduil was beginning to think that he had picked the wrong place for a holiday. However, he was not going back to Middle Earth right away and have everyone say "I told you so." He would wait and see if any good opportunities for disruption turned up.
On the bright side, the drink he was sipping tasted delicious. Not everything was going wrong. Thranduil flung his cloak over several of the nearest chairs and leaned back luxuriously. It might be a third rate world, but he was still an elvenking - no, the elvenking - and that was pretty cool.
Somewhere in the distance behind him he heard the sound of breaking glass. Orc attack? he wondered vaguely. No, there were no orcs in Mirkwood. Then he remembered that he was not in Mirkwood. He heard a scream. Several screams. He wondered if he should bother turning around and trying to figure out what was going on. No, too much trouble. Someone would take care of it.
He jumped suddenly as he heard his name.
"It's Thranduil! Oh my gosh!"
Before he could react further a bevy of strange females had congregated in the space directly in front of him. They were all staring at him and didn't seem in the least repelled by the displeased expression he was trying hard to give them. What they were saying made Thranduil very uncomfortable. He was unused to being discussed as if he were not present and intensely disliked being called "Thrandy".
"Stand back!" he said haughtily, as some of the fangirls started getting too close to his robes and getting unsettling gleams in their eyes as if they were considering stealing souvenirs from him. His command had little effect and he continued with a little less of his usual composure.
"I did not give any of you menial creatures permission to enter the presence of Thranduil, elvenking. Leave the room at once."
"Awwww," said a chorus of high-pitched voices while several of the females fainted away.
Thranduil was growing more and more uncomfortable. He wished he had brought Legolas along. Or Tauriel, or Feren, or even Galion. He wondered why he had ever had the idea to come to a potentially hazardous world all by himself. At least he had brought along his sword. He felt at his belt and clutched the haft of the sword with a feeling of reassurance.
"Hey!" said one of the fangirls loudly. Thranduil was relieved to see that she was speaking not to him but to the cashier of the coffee shop, but his relief did not last long.
"Hey, can you take my picture with Thranduil?" she yelled.
Thranduil watched in horror as she handed her phone to the cashier and then walked towards him with a goofy look of devoted fan-ness on her face.
"This is so amazing," she said. "I've always wanted to meet you."
She put out her arm with the evident intention of putting it around his shoulder. Thranduil had sudden visions of photographic evidence all over facebook and youtube of him being hugged by a mortal fangirl.
"I'm next! No, I'm next!" shouted what seemed a thousand voices emanating from the thirty or so fangirls watching.
Thranduil's vision grew fuzzy and an awful blackness seemed to descend on him. Suddenly he heard a familiar voice.
"Don't be afraid, father! I'm here!"
He opened his eyes to see a familiar face. Legolas's, to be exact.
Thranduil suddenly wondered why he had wished even for a moment that Legolas was there. Now that Legolas was there Thranduil realised that his presence was the only thing that could have made the situation even worse.
"What are you doing here?" he demanded, feeling his composure returning. "I don't remember giving you permission to leave the palace."
"I came to rescue you," said Legolas.
"Go to your room at once," said Thranduil. This was more like it. Finally he had someone whom he could order around with any likelihood of being obeyed. Legolas looked cowed and Thranduil could also see that the fangirls were impressed by his ordering about someone who looked older than him.
"But dad," began Legolas.
"At once," said Thranduil. "I do not require your assistance. I'm perfectly capable of taking care of myself. Not only that, but I took a holiday expressly to get away from you and your tasteless styles in clothing."
Thranduil wrapped up this speech with a domineering glance at Legolas's favourite outfit of green and brown.
Legolas hung his head. He couldn't disobey his father the elvenking, but nor could he leave him in what was, in spite of what Thranduil had said, obviously a serious plight. Legolas had no doubt that his father could take care of himself, but he had horrible visions of him severing heads from fangirls and getting into trouble with the human world police force. They were much stricter about that sort of thing here.
"Uh, look dad," he said, "don't you think it would be more relaxing to go to Ithilien instead? I mean, you could hike the nice trails there and take a plunge in the forbidden pool..."
"Who's the father here?" said Thranduil loudly. This didn't sound impressive enough to him. "Who's the elvenking here?" he emended.
"Then I think I know what's best for my constitution," said Thranduil. "I like the drinks they serve here. I'm staying. Besides, I think I see a five star hotel across the street."
"But - "
"Go home immediately!"
There was a long silence.
"Um," said Legolas.
"What are you waiting for?" said Thranduil. "Obey me, my son!"
"Er," said Legolas, "how were you planning to get back?"
"I have a potion," said Thranduil. "I saved half of it for the return trip. I shall have no trouble getting back, don't worry."
Legolas continued to stare at him. Thranduil fumbled in his robe pocket.
"Oh no, I seem to have left it behind somehow. That was careless. Never mind, you can go home by whatever portal brought you here and get it for me. And hurry up."
Still Legolas didn't move.
"Where is the portal anyway?" said Thranduil. "It might be a useful thing to know, in case I have to leave before you get back."
He looked around the coffee shop.
"There isn't one," said Legolas hanging his head.
"There isn't one," said Legolas more loudly. "I drank your potion."
"Then how did you get - " began Thranduil before Legolas's explanation sank in. He stopped.
"You drank it?"
"All of it?"
"Did you bring the bottle?"
Legolas held out the empty bottle. Thranduil seized it, turned it upside down, and shook it desperately.
"It's empty," he said.
"HOW DARE YOU TOUCH MY THINGS! I MEAN, I BUY YOU ENOUGH THINGS OF YOUR OWN, DON'T I? AM I NOT A GOOD ENOUGH PARENT FOR YOU? WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING I HAVE?"
"Uh, dad," said Legolas, "the fangirls..."