Last part! And sorry for the delay in updating! I was battling writer's block, work, post-flu stress disorder (whatever that is), loads of e-mails and PMs, mom-enforced screen-free time, and a huge stack of unread fanfics that all my favourite authors decided to crank out at once. :P (Thanks, guys. XD) So, anyway, here it is. And after this I will get back to my other stories, I promise.
Part III: The Fangirls Close In
Legolas shifted in his chair and glanced around the less than posh interior of the restaurant his dad had chosen to patronise. He felt that they needed to be concentrating on getting home at the moment, not sitting in a restaurant waiting for pizza. Besides, those fangirls might show up again at any minute.
Thranduil glanced up from the menu.
"Do you like anchovies, Legolas?" he asked.
"No," said Legolas hastily. "Just order Hawaiian."
Thranduil was taking a maddeningly long time to decide on toppings.
"Good, then I'll have them put some on," said Thranduil, writing "anchovies" down on a napkin.
"But I said I didn't like them!"
"You can order your own pizza. You always eat most of mine."
They placed their orders and waited impatiently for the pizzas to arrive.
"It's really crowded in here tonight," Legolas remarked. He suddenly had a horrible thought and hastily stopped a passing waiter.
"Hey," he said, "do you usually have this many customers?"
"Oh yeah. It's always crowded in here."
"Phew," said Legolas. Then he added in a whisper to Thranduil, "I was afraid it might be because of us."
"Hey," said a waitress, coming up to their table. "Do you want to join our e-mail club? You just write down your e-mail addresses and you get a free pizza on your birthday."
"Free?" said Thranduil. He picked up a pen and started writing.
"Dad," whispered Legolas, looking dubiously at the paper the waitress had handed him, "you can't come all the way back to the human world just to get a free pizza."
"I don't have to come back. I'm stuck here. And so are you, so you might as well fill out the paper."
Legolas started writing down his e-mail address. From the table behind them came the sound of loud voices.
"Hi," said a voice in Legolas's ear that made him jump.
He turned to see a lady with green eye shadow and a spangly shirt that almost gave him seizures leaning over his shoulder.
"Can we borrow some of the chairs from this table?" she said.
"Uhhh," said Legolas.
"No," said Thranduil.
Legolas glanced at the three or four chairs his dad was sitting on.
"Maybe we should give them some chairs, dad," he said.
"The ones you're not using," said the lady.
"We're using all of them."
Legolas was relieved that his father's fierce glare was disturbing enough to drive the woman away. She appropriated some chairs from somewhere else and left the two elves alone.
The people at the table behind them were still making tons of noise, however, despite having gotten the chairs they needed. There seemed to be some sort of festivities going on which they were all celebrating with needless exuberance.
Legolas sighed and stared at the pile of grocery bags surrounding the elvenking's makeshift throne. He was still trying to forget the harrowing experience of going shopping with Thranduil at Foodlion, but he wasn't having much success. The last time he had gone grocery shopping with his father was when he was three and had fallen out of the cart and he had not wanted to repeat the experience since. Unfortunately he couldn't leave Thranduil by himself while they were in the human world so Legolas had had to follow him into the store, pushing an overloaded cart down every single aisle while Thranduil piled items into it.
"Um, dad, how are you going to pay for all this stuff?"
"With my Mirkwood credit card. Grab one of those boxes of taco shells behind you."
"But you're not supposed to buy stuff on credit. Remember? Debt is bad."
"It's not my fault. This third-rate mortal world won't accept any kind of payment except for credit cards."
"You'd better remember to pay it off right away."
"Be quiet and push the cart. I don't know why you're over-reacting like this. It's not like I use credit cards excessively; in fact, I never used this one at home anyway. I only got it because they offered a free wet wash floor machine for signing up."
"Are you sure we need two bottles of banana flavouring?"
"It's buy one get one free."
"Dad, what are you doing? Are those ALL coupons? O.O This line is super long and you're holding everyone up."
"Shut up. I have a coupon for the pancake syrup somewhere. I know I do..."
Legolas shuddered and tried to engage his mind with something else. Watching the elvenking trying to pick up his napkin with a straw wasn't helping, either. Suddenly Legolas had an idea. He couldn't believe he hadn't thought of it before: he'd ask for directions!
He got up and went awkwardly over to the counter where an employee was drying glasses.
"Um, hi," he said. "This may sound like a weird question, but do you know how to get to Middle Earth from here?"
"Middle Earth?" asked the employee. "Do you mean the middle of the earth?"
"Uhhh," said Legolas.
"No, Middle Earth," said another employee, showing up just then. "You know, like in the Hobbit movies? You go to New Zealand; they have all the sets and everything from the movies there."
"...Okay," said Legolas. "How do I get there?"
"The airport's about a mile from here," said the employee, pointing out the window.
Meanwhile, back at his table Thranduil was sampling his pizza, which had finally showed up. Legolas's smelled really good. Thranduil wondered why he hadn't chosen Hawaiian too.
"Dad!" said Legolas, rushing over breathless. "I know how to get home! We have to go to New Zealand!"
"Are you sure you don't like anchovies, Legolas?" said Thranduil. "Because I don't either."
"We need to leave now," said Legolas, tugging at his father's sleeve (a childish habit he sometimes found himself slipping into when stressed). "Who knows what's been happening while we've been gone. And the fangirls might show up again..."
"Fine," said Thranduil with resignation. "Grab the groceries."
Legolas groaned but helped Thranduil collect all the grocery bags.
"All right, let's go," he said.
They turned and were about to walk towards the door but their way was blocked by four waiters carrying a plate with a cupcake on it.
"Excuse us. We need to get past," said Legolas, trying to hide the annoyance in his voice.
The waiters ignored him and, walking up to the table next to theirs, commenced singing "Happy Birthday." Legolas waited impatiently while Thranduil tried unsuccessfully to get one of the waiters to bring him a carry-out box for the pizzas.
"Just leave the groceries; they'll slow us down!" said Legolas.
"No, we paid for them!" Thranduil protested.
From one of the tables nearby a loud female voice was suddenly heard talking.
"Hey, didn't you say you saw Thranduil in a coffee shop this morning?"
Legolas and Thranduil froze and the hairs on the backs of their necks began to stand on end. Some of the hairs on their heads did too. Legolas glanced apprehensively at the person talking and saw that she had a smart phone clamped to her ear.
"Well, he's here right now - in Ledo's Pizza. Yeah. I'm serious."
"Move! Get out of the way! We need to get out right now!" cried Thranduil and Legolas, shoving at the waiters who were blocking their exit. "Okay, the song's over now. Let us through!"
"Hey, not so fast," said one of the waiters. "You dudes haven't paid yet. Just sit tight and I'll bring you the bill."
"Here's my credit card!" shouted Thranduil. "Take it and let us go!"
"It's too late!" shrieked Legolas, turning pale and staring in terror at the glass doors of the restaurant. Through the panels they could see a mob of rabid fangirls approaching at impossible speeds. Thranduil cringed as the doors opened and the sound of high-pitched shrieks suddenly filled the restaurant. Above the pandemonium he heard Legolas repeating brokenly, "Trapped! Trapped!" The mob surged closer. Thranduil closed his eyes.
Suddenly he heard a familiar voice.
"Aha! You're back!"
He opened his eyes. He and Legolas were standing in Mirkwood in front of a low hovel - Radagast's house. Radagast himself was standing in front of them.
"Well, how was your trip?" he asked.
"We-we're home," said Legolas dazedly and, as usual, obviously.
"Oh yes, didn't I tell you?" said Radagast. "Don't tell me I forgot; the potion wears off after four hours. Otherwise you would have been stuck there indefinitely."
"Four hours?" said Thranduil. "In that case you shouldn't have charged me so much for it!"
"Well, it's the only kind available, considering that the White Council can't use it on Mary Sues," explained Radagast. "So how did it go? Did you enjoy yourself? I see you took Legolas along - probably a good move since there's no telling what trouble he might have gotten into if you'd left him behind."
"Actually, I -" Legolas began.
"Oh, I see you've brought some food back from the human world," Radagast interrupted.
Thranduil and Legolas looked down at the grocery bags they were still holding.
"Hey - we did!" said Thranduil, pleased.
"I can use it to make a new potion, in case you want to go back sometime," said Radagast.
"No thank you," said Legolas. Suddenly he had a thought. "Hey, can you send us back in time as well?" he asked.
"Well, it's a bit tricky, but it can be done."
"Then I want to go back ten years ago," said Legolas eagerly. Then I'll still have all the fangirls and Dad will be a nobody again, he thought.
"All right," said Radagast. "And there's enough stuff here to make a lot, in case you want to bring anyone else with you."
"Yes," said Legolas. "Make lots." Then I can bring all my friends and show them how popular I am.
"All right," said Radagast. "What about you, sire?"
"That sounds fine," Thranduil agreed calmly. "Legolas needs some time off. Make a good strong potion that will keep him there for a week or two."
He was thinking of all the havoc Legolas might be able to wreak on the human world in that time.
"What are you going to do?" asked Legolas.
"I'm going to have a vacation. At home. In bed. Tell Galion to refer all orc interrogations to Feren until further notice."
"Didn't he enjoy his vacation?" Radagast asked Legolas in a low voice.
"Well, it was rather stressful" said Legolas. "But," he added, glancing at the pair of sunglasses hanging from Thranduil's collar, "he brought back a souvenir."
Radagast can send people back in time because he's the seventh doctor. ;)
So I know it's not the best ending, but I needed to wrap this one up. Thanks for reading and reviewing!
OneSizeFitsAll: Yes, I want a pair of sunglasses now. B) ThurinRanger: I love your idea about Tauriel! I had to wrap this up because I really need to get back to some of my other stories, but I might do a sequel where Leggy goes back with Tauriel and some other willing and unwilling adventurers. Thranduil will probably be talked into going as well, but I can see the party splitting up to pursue their various interests. I didn't get a chance to make Legolas spend hours looking at jeans and hair products... Lily Lindsey-Aubrey: I would never leave anyone hanging. *looks shocked* :P Optymistka: Thank you! :D KiliandFiliGirl: One does not simply speak ill of the elvenking's looks. XD Melkor'sOnlyLieutenant: Yeah, the fangirls were kind of scary. O.O I started scaring myself with them. Jezebel DeTrazie: I know, right? If only someone could figure out how make Radagast's potion! Cupcake 155: Thank you! You're awesome, too! Phillip Callaway: :D :D Thanks! Alistor Moody: Thanks, I'm so glad you thinks so. Yeah, that poor guy. :P