Touches

Chapter 2

The next time it happened it was in the servants' hall of all places. The whole household was currently in deep grief of Lady Sybil's death.

It was as if a big grey cloud was hanging over all our heads darkening the sky. Not an easy situation.

I'm neither cold nor heartless but I couldn't quite grasp the feeling lingering all around me as I've not really got to know Lady Sybil in the short time of working here.

So I put on a grieving mask like everyone else letting myself be sucked into the hole her death has left in the atmosphere of the house.

One evening as we were just sitting down for our dinner conversation turned unexpectedly to her again. Alfred let off some rather rude comment to Mr Barrow about his long face not helping anyone. His stony and sad eyes suddenly turned angry and scathing but before he could say anything Anna came to his – or rather Alfred's – rescue. Telling us all that he was so sad because Lady Sybil was one of the people in the house he knew best and vice versa because of him working with her during the war.

As I was sitting so close to him and could clearly see how it hurt him to even talk about her I couldn't help myself to comment as well.

Telling everyone, but especially him how it spoke very well for Lady Sybil that her death was so hard in him.

Why I did it, I can't really say. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that I felt like an outsider in this situation. Looking through a thick window into a hall of people experiencing feelings I wasn't experiencing. Not that I didn't know how grief worked. No that definitely wasn't the point as I've lost my parents just a few years ago and was still deeply upset about it. It was probably more the realisation that these people who worked for her – but who weren't her friend or anything similar – were so concerned and moved by her death.

Or maybe it was that in the short time I'd been here that I've never seen Mr Barrow showing so much feeling towards anyone. He always seemed to be just there – hair perfectly slicked back, emotionless mask on his face showing a neutral expression to anyone who'd pay attention to it. Apart from our "clock encounter" as I called it in my head I'd never seen his mask slip, until now.

And it got even stranger as he answered my comment with a little smile, some kind words of thanks and leaned a little bit to my seat beside him grasping my hand under the table and giving it a small squeeze.

My breath came suddenly to a stop, my eyes widening only slightly so that everyone else wouldn't notice what he's done.

Good lord. He was doing it again – touching me without any reason at all.

As soon as I took my next breath he removed his hand from my own and more importantly my thigh and put all his concentration back to the conversation going on around us. Just like nothing's ever happened.

It was hard for me not to cringe at the thought of him touching me so openly in front of everyone else. What was he thinking? Or more correctly was he thinking anything at all?

Why would he do something like this in the servants' hall with a dozen people and Mr Carson being around who may or may not be able to notice anything.

Or did he just want to show me his gratitude? Well but why would he want to show his intention with touching me? His smile would have been enough to bring his message across quite clearly but no…Mr I-touch-you- in- front- of- everyone has to do it again.

A scowl has found its place onto my face as I can't stop contemplating his actions. I'm just relieved that I didn't blush because that would have been a real giveaway for the others that something has been going on.

As I try to concentrate on my meal again I let my gaze wander throughout the room trying to find out if one of them noticed anything.

They all seemed to be in their own little world- some talking, some just sitting there and eating. And as I've finished my look around the hall my eyes settle on the posture of the person sitting closest to me.

He doesn't return my looking at him so I make use of this possibility to analyse him discreetly out of the corner of my eye. He doesn't look as sad anymore as a few minutes ago, he looks…well how to put it best…

He looks a little happy if I'm not wrong.

What brought on this change in him, I wonder? Did I do this? Just with my little comment?

I can't really believe it but the more I think about it the more I feel some kind of warmth settling into the pit of my stomach making myself feel rather light and even a little bit content.

I did this.

I'm able to make someone like Mr Barrow smile in time of deep grief.

This feeling makes me grin inside my mind.

Well maybe I wasn't just grinning subconsciously but in reality as well as I see him turning his head towards me and giving me a knowing look.

I nearly choke on my food which results in him patting my back until I raise an arm to signal him that I'm not about to die and everything's alright.

Maybe he CAN read my mind.

At this thought I flush bright red. At least I think so as I feel my cheeks heating with embarrassment that I obviously wasn't as discreet as I'd hoped.

I lower my head concentrating 100% on anything but the things that have happened just now and try to clear my mind of any incriminating thoughts.

I'm not sure if I'm correct but I could swear that I can make out a light snickering noise coming from my left. Bastard!