A/N I originally put this on a different site way back in 2011 when Durarara! and the Human Centipede were relevant , but since season 2's finally coming out (YES I'VE ALWAYS DREAMED OF THIS OMFG WHAT IF THEY MAKE MORE BACCANO TOO) I thought I'd repost it here, with minimal edits. It was like the first fanfiction I wrote and I tried to make it as stupid as possible, and succeeded. Also I think I'd only seen 4 or 5 episodes of Durarara! when I wrote this. And I'd never seen The Human Centipede. Here you go.
Once upon a time I was hangin out in Europe with Shizuo Hewajima whose name I probably spelled wrong because it's Japanese. But my crappy used toyota broke down in front of a creepy looking house, so of course we went in. The guy who owned the house was a european guy, not suprising, considering we were in europe. Then he said "Would you like some...saurkraut?" Dun dun DUN!
So I said "No. Saurkraut is the last thing anyone would ever want."
"Are you sure? Because it won't knock you out or anything."
"Now I want it even less, creepy european guy."
"****. Okay, how about some...FUDGE MWAHAHA!"
So he gave us some fudge, and it knocked us out. **** europeans and their drugged fudge. I'm pretty sure it gave me the clap, too. When I woke up I was in cage in his basement. Also, there was an alien in there. He was little and green and had purple eyes and antenae, and I was like "Holy ****, it's an alien!"
"No...I'm a human...I don't have a sqeedly spooch."
There was also a robot, and he was happily eating the drugged fudge. Also, the aliens voice was sooo sexy! Then the european guy came in and said 'know what I'm gonna do now?"
"Sew us together mouth to ass?" i said timidly.
"I was gonna say 'make you watch keeping up with the kardashians' but I like your idea. Let's go with that. Yinga dinga dinga."
"I think becoming a human centipede would be preferable to the kardashians. Altough, it would really **** if you-"
Then Shizu-chan cut me off "STOP TALKING YOU"RE MAKING IT WORSE!...aw I can't stay mad at you. You're too hot." Then he turned to the European guy and said "Also, if you try to sew my ass to anyone, I'll throw a vending machine at you. And it'll hurt. A lot."
"Ha ha. You're powerless here: I have no vending machines!"
"I'm gonna sew the chick to your ass, so when you ****, she'll have to eat it!"
"You fat bastard!"
"I'm not finished. When the chick ****s out your ****, the little green dude will have to eat it. Then he, in turn, will ****. Haha I'm an evil genius!"
"But I gave you the idea."
"No you didn't! I'm a genius!"
Then he sewed my mouth to Shizuo's ass, and the alien's mouth to my ass. All of which ******, but not quite as much as the kardashians. Or Twilight. Or Beiber. Beiber does LSD, so it's not cool anymore. It does **** that that alien can't talk anymore, though, cuz he had an awesome voice. Then Shizuo said "**** you random creepy european guy! How dare you ruin this hot white girl's adorable face by sewing it to my ass!"
If I had to be sewn to somebody's ass, I'm glad it was his ass. He had a pretty nice ass. Then Shizuo ****, and it went into my mouth, and I can honestly say that it tasted like ****. Then somebody knocked on the door, and it was Izaya and Celty, and the european guy was like "Hey, a dullahan! Hey, I know where your head is!" celty asked where. "It's...IN MY PANTS!" Then he took all of his clothes off and started disco dancing. Then Gir came in and started dancing with him.
Then Izaya skipped over to us skippedydooda and said "Hi, Shizu-chan. Aw, look at you with your person sewn to your ass with another person sewn to their ass. You look like Elton John."
"I'LL KILL YOU! I'LL ******* **** **** YOUR ASS!"
"Okay, first thing, language, okay? You're not Cartmen, but you should know I just framed you for a very Cartman-ish crime. Elton John."
Then Shizuo - am I overusing the word 'then' here? I feel like I'm saying 'then' a lot - he picked up a couch and threw it at Izaya. Nothing beats a fight between two sexy cartoon asians. Especially when you're sharing a digestive tra-sys-whatever with one of them. Then i ****, and the alien had to eat my ****, and I laughed at him because, come on, he's ating my ****. That's pretty **** funny. ****.
Then the european guy yells "I am Dieter Bratwurst und I'm an evil genius und I LOVE DONNA SUMMERS!" Then he put some skates on. So now Dieter's just naked roller discoing.
Then gir yells "I love cheese!" and starts doing the macarena. Then, finally, Zim ****, completing that one piece of ****'s long, strange journey. It's the circle of life. Or the circle of ****. Or something.
Anyway, Celty took us back to Ikeblahblahblah and Shinra took us apart and gave Zim some boobs, just for the hell of it. Three boobs, mind you. Then Shizuo tried to kick Izaya's ass again and Zim tried to take over the world, but with three boobs. I went to the Starship Enterprise, where I made out with Draco Malfoy and the mad hatter because that's what happens in fan fiction. The end. Or is it?
Just you wait. They'll make a movie out of this and it'll be a hit. Just look how well Twilight did, and I think my thing may be even stupider than that.
Note: despite the title The Human Zimtipedurarara! The Trilogy will not be getting a part 2 or 3. I did start writing part 2 at one point, but then I decided it was perfect and sequels would only tarnish it.
Check out my other Durarara! fic about sandwiches! I have an idea for another one too so be on the lookout for that!
Looking back on this now, the weirdest thing is that Shizuo and Izaya are there but apparently Zim is the one with the sexy voice. I was a weird kid.
WHY WONT IT LET ME TYPE TWO EXCLAMATION MARKS IN A ROW WHEN THE TITLE OF THE SHOW HAS TWO!