"Carmilla, I cannot believe you!" Melissa shouted, tearing into Carmilla's hotel room and startling the singer.
"Melissa. What the fuck," Carmilla groaned as her publicist threw her phone down on the bed next to Carmilla. "It's five-thirty in the morning."
The singer picked the phone up and pressed play on a video that Melissa had open on the screen.
It looks like singer Carmilla Karnstein has just been self-appointed as the Dalai Drama in this new, leaked footage of a conversation between her and a lover, but it's not what you'd expect. People all over are saying she should've chosen her words more carefully in this clip you're about to see. Take a look.
The video then cut to some footage of Carmilla pulling the camera in as she spoke.
'I know you have a girlfriend, but... it shouldn't be her.'
'I know,' came Laura's reply. The cameras's angle then dropped to focus on the floor. 'And the only reason I'm admitting this is because I know you're not going to remember any of this later.'
A beat of silence.
'I thought you wanted a shot of you sleeping.'
The camera then shifted as it was being placed on a coffee table and was pointed at Carmilla's feet as she lay on the couch alone.
'Join me,' Carmilla heard herself say onscreen.
'Carmilla, I can't—'
The clip stopped abruptly, and the video cut back to the original anchor who'd introduced the footage.
Is Carmilla rekindling a romantic connection with her number-one fan? Many others seem to think so. And what about Dylan Mane? Is it all over for her and Carmilla? And what does Laura's current girlfriend think of it all? Leave your comments below!
Carmilla groaned again, having caused exactly what she and Dylan hadn't wanted—a scandal.
"What the fuck is this?" Melissa demanded to know, snatching the phone back and jamming it into her pocket. "Are you fucking kidding me with this?"
"Do you think I wanted that out there?"
"I don't know!"
"God, Dylan's gonna kill me..." Carmilla moaned, taking a pillow and pressing it into her face as if she were trying to smother herself. Melissa ripped the pillow from Carmilla's grip and tossed it on the floor.
"Carmilla, you're going to be a laughing stock tonight on FNL. They're going to take this and run with it. You had to fuck up on this day of all days—"
"I'm not the one who fucked up," Carmilla snapped.
"So it was Laura then? She leaked it, trying to prove a point?"
Carmilla opened her mouth to defend Laura, but truth was that she wasn't sure.
"That's it. We're firing the little bitch," Melissa growled, walking back toward the door. Carmilla sprung out of bed and picked the pillow up off the floor before hurling it at the back of Melissa's head.
"No!" Carmilla barked. Melissa turned around slowly. "We're gonna figure this out. I know Laura wouldn't do this to me."
"You think Laura wouldn't do this to you," Melissa corrected her, a dangerous tone in her voice. "Think. You said the same thing the last time with Ell too."
"Don't you dare bring her into this," Carmilla hissed. "I know what I'm talking about. Laura wouldn't do this."
"We'll just see about that," Melissa growled through clenched teeth. "Won't we."
"We will," Carmilla responded in an equally threatening tone. A knock at the door refocused them, and Carmilla sighed and called out, "Come in."
She heard the person swipe a card on the other side before opening the door and entering the room.
"Ready for FNL?" Laura asked brightly. Melissa and Carmilla exchanged a glance before Carmilla nodded. Laura gestured to Carmilla's pajamas. "You're going like that?"
"Why the fuck not," Carmilla sighed again, walking out of her room. Laura went to follow her, but Melissa put a hand over the door and held it closed, cornering Laura.
"What is it with you fan girls and ruining the lives of the very idols you worship?" Melissa hissed, inches from Laura's face.
"I'm sorry?" Laura asked with confusion.
"You'd better be," Melissa warned. "Because if you think you're going to get away with this, you're dead fucking—"
The door swung open, displacing both Melissa and Laura at the same time as Carmilla poked her head back in.
"Are you guys coming or what?" she asked impatiently. Melissa shot a death glare at Laura before following behind Carmilla, leaving Laura trailing behind the both of them.
"You have the whole day to write your own piece and rehearse," Melissa informed Carmilla as they walked out to the car waiting for them. "They'd have given you more time, but their host and musical guest canceled on them at the last minute, and since you were in town, they figured they could replace those two with you. I'd get brainstorming if I were you."
"Well you're not me," Carmilla muttered under her breath as she got into the backseat of the car. Laura followed her, leaving room up front of Melissa. Melissa sighed and climbed into the front seat, only to be closed off by a divider, activated by a switch near Carmilla. "So, Laura. If anyone's got roasts for me about me, it's you. Hit me."
"I'm not gonna roast you—"
"laura2thelyrics says, 'You know all those dumb teen movies about teens meeting and dating their celeb crush? It's all "Hollywood bullshit" hashtag-I-would-know," Carmilla read aloud. She paused before reading the next post. "You're a bad bitch alright... Just not the definition I was thinking..."
"Okay, wait just a second—" Laura began.
"'Maybe your career would have less of a hard time growing if it weren't being constantly strangled by those leather pants of yours,'" Carmilla continued. "You say you 'don't care,' but the 2 hours you spend on eyeliner alone and the time calculations you do to ensure you're "fashionably" late say otherwise...'"
"Okay, those were... written in the throes of passion," Laura said in a weak effort to defend herself. Even so, she wore a faint smile.
"Oh? And what kind of passion might that have been? Hatred?" Carmilla joked.
"No... I was just... mad," Laura explained. "Because of the interview."
"And I turned out to be wrong about that," Laura added under her breath.
"And you're still mad," Carmilla boldly responded.
"Not about the interview," Laura shook her head. "That you're seeing Dylan."
Carmilla hesitated before confessing, "I'm not seeing Dylan, though. And I wasn't then either."
Laura looked at her quizzically.
"It's all... some sort of media set-up. It was convenient. It was good for publicity. All that bullshit."
A sudden silence settled between them before Laura opened her mouth to speak.
"You need to stop living a lie," Laura whispered. "You wonder why you're so unhappy and so lonely. Everything is fake about you."
Carmilla stared at her, unable to think of anything to say.
"The friends you have... the friends whom you say are your friends... they're not your friends. You don't even like them," Laura pointed out, growing in confidence. "And the friends you should have... the friends you would have... they can't stand to be around you. Because nothing is real with you. It's always something for someone else or something for the media. It's not you. That's why they all leave."
A break in the conversation.
"Except for you," Carmilla replied quietly, barely audible to Laura. "You stuck by me this whole time. For what?"
Laura tried to keep herself from an admission, but she couldn't help herself.
"Because... I like you, Carmilla. A lot," Laura answered softly. "And I liked you before you were famous, and I liked you while you were at your peak... and I still like you now."
"What do you classify 'now' as? My spiraling downfall?" Carmilla bitterly joked.
"Not yet..." Laura responded. "But you can stop it before it happens."
They felt the car come to a stop, and moments later, the door opened for them to get out. As soon as they emerged from the car, they were greeted by one of the cast mates of Friday Night Live.
"Hi, I'm Kevin. We're just rehearsing the cold open—which you're going to be in, of course. Right this way," he gestured to follow him, and the trio did. He led them to set, and pointed at the center marker, indicating that that was where Carmilla was supposed to be. "After hair and makeup, you'll just be standing right here—"
"I'm going to forgo all that."
"Okay," he nodded. "Then let's take it from the top. The TelePrompTer will be feeding you your lines. All you have to do is read and follow what it says."
"Ok, great. Thanks," Carmilla responded and he stepped off to allow her to do her job.
TelePrompTer: [pause for applause] THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT IS AN HONOR TO BE HOSTING FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE. I'M HERE TO PROMOTE MY NEW ALBUM, BACK TOGETHER AGAIN, WHICH WAS JUST RELEASED TODAY. CHECK IT OUT. [pause] I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS TO BE HOSTING... HOPEFULLY NOTHING WILL FALL APART [pause for laughter]
Carmilla stopped reading as a red 'LAUGHTER' light came on, and she interrupted herself by asking, "I'm sorry, what laughter?"
The words on the TelePrompTer stopped.
"It's a pun," Kevin explained. "Because your last album is called, 'Fall Apart.' You really didn't get that?"
"I did, I just didn't think it was funny," Carmilla retorted.
"Well you don't have to think it's funny, they do."
Carmilla nodded hesitantly before continuing to read the script as it began to move again.
TelePrompTer: BUT EVEN IF IT DOES, I'M SURE IT'LL ALL COME BACK TOGETHER AGAIN IN THE END. [pause for laughter]
Carmilla stopped as saw the red LAUGHTER light flash on again as she made her second complaint.
"I'm sorry, but is this whole monologue just really bad puns based on my past work?" Carmilla asked. "Because that's lame."
An exasperated Kevin muttered something into his headset before looking up to speak to Carmilla.
"We work on a comedy show... are you suggesting that we don't know how to do our job?"
"Yeah, I am."
"We don't tell you how to do your job, Carmilla—"
"That's Ms. Karnstein to you."
"We don't tell you how to—"
"You know what? I'm not the only one who doesn't think it's funny," Carmilla cut him off. "If everyone else thought it was funny too, you wouldn't have that stupid laugh sign blinking on and off."
Kevin went to speak, but found no words in response to Carmilla's accusation.
"Imagine having to tell your audience to laugh," Carmilla snorted. "Like they're some brainwashed mob. You seriously can't get anything better? You're torturing them."
"Write it yourself," Kevin suggested, keeping his voice even.
"Finally a good idea," Carmilla muttered as she walked off the set.
"Can we bring the surprise guest in for rehearsal?" he shouted to no one in particular.
Hours later, following many rehearsals, it was time. Laura brought her own camera out and filmed Carmilla from the sidelines as the singer began to read her opening monologue once the applause died down.
TelePrompTer: [pause for applause] THANK YOU. THANK YOU SO MUCH. IT IS AN HONOR TO BE HOSTING FRIDAY NIGHT LIVE. I'M HERE TO PROMOTE MY NEW ALBUM, BACK TOGETHER AGAIN, WHICH WAS JUST RELEASED TODAY. CHECK IT OUT. [pause] I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS TO BE HOSTING... I KNOW A LOT HAS BEEN SAID ABOUT ME LATELY. I'VE SEEN EVERYTHING FROM RUMORS THAT I'M A PANTHER TO AN IMMORTAL WHO NEVER AGES, TO I'M A TEEN WITH AN ATTITUDE WHO PROBABLY DOESN'T EVEN WANT TO BE HERE. [pause] WELL... MAYBE THAT LAST ONE IS A LITTLE TRUE. [pause for laughter]
And just as anticipated, the crowd erupted into laughter at Carmilla's original joke. She waited for the laughter to fade, and she resumed reading.
TelePrompTer: BUT I'M HERE TO DEBUNK ALL THE OTHER RUMORS BY TELLING YOU A LITTLE BIT ABOUT MYSELF. AS YOU ALREADY KNOW, MY NAME IS CARMILLA.
Just as she'd said the last syllable of her name, Laura watched as fangs appeared on Carmilla's canine teeth while she continued to read off the TelePrompTer, fangs still visible as the audience laughed once again.
TelePrompTer: I WAS BORN IN 1680— UH... ER... [pause, stutter as if you misspoke] SORRY, 1980. NO! LET'S SEE... [pause to fake calculating a year] IN 1993. SORRY. I WAS BORN IN 1993.
More laughter from the viewers.
TelePrompTer: SO YEAH. UM... SO I WAS BORN IN 18— NO, SORRY, 1993. MY FATHER WAS A COUNT— SORRY, AN ACCOUNTANT, AND WE WERE PRETTY WELL-OFF. I STARTED MAKING MUSIC A FEW YEARS AGO, MY CAREER TOOK OFF, AND YOU KNOW THE REST. [pause, as if you're thinking] SO WHAT ELSE CAN I TELL YOU? [pause to think] I DON'T KNOW. BUT I CAN TELL YOU THAT IF I WERE A CAT—
Carmilla paused from reading as a smoke machine blew smoke out and concealed her for a moment. After the smoke cleared, in her place stood a black panther that continued reading where the singer had left off.
TelePrompTer: —I WOULD STILL LIKE DOGS, BUT DOGS PROBABLY WOULDN'T LIKE ME VERY MUCH. NOT BECAUSE I'M A CAT BUT BECAUSE I WOULD BE THE ONE DOING THE CHASING.
The audience collectively chuckled, once they'd gotten over the initial shock of seeing a live panther. Laura stared at the oddly familiar panther as she wondered how the show had obtained a panther so quickly and how they'd made it really look like Carmilla's voice was coming from its mouth. But before she could look at it too long, the smoke machine began to conceal the creature, and moments later, Carmilla stood in its place.
TelePrompTer: AND UH... YEAH THAT'S ABOUT ALL I HAVE TO SAY—OH! BUT ONE MORE THING. LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT!
The audience applauded Carmilla's performance as she bowed and took her leave. As soon as she was offstage, Melissa rushed over to her with a pleased expression on her face.
"Ms. Karnstein, that was excellent!" Melissa exclaimed with approval. "I expect raving reviews all over the news tomorrow. And it's only a bonus that you penned the monologue yourself. Absolutely brilliant performance!"
"It was pretty good," Laura admitted.
"Thank you," Carmilla thanked her, ignoring Melissa's earlier compliments.
"And now for our surprise guest—Dylan Mane!" Kevin announced onstage. And right on cue, Dylan came strolling out and waved at the audience.
"Well, that's just... great," Melissa muttered. "Oh, they're trying to ruin us."
"It's fine," Carmilla told her just as Dylan concluded her short greeting.
"And please. Enjoy the show," Dylan finished as she bowed and left the stage. She made a beeline for Carmilla and joined the three of them, Laura, Carmilla, and Melissa. "How've you all been? It feels like a lifetime since I last saw the three of you. A lot has happened since then."
"It's been fantas—" Melissa began.
"Carmilla, can I see you for a moment?" Dylan interrupted, taking the singer's arm with a smile and leading her away. "Hi, it's me. Do you remember what I said when I got the part on the TV show? That I couldn't afford any scandals?"
"This is what's considered a scandal," Dylan remarked.
"Look, I didn't mean for that footage to leak," Carmilla told her quietly. "It's not good publicity for me either—"
"Oh, but you're a rockstar. It's expected."
"Look, I'm turning over a new leaf," Carmilla admitted to her softly. She looked around before continuing. "I'm trying to be myself. My real self. I want everything pertaining to me to be genuine from now on, and that—"
"So you didn't mean for the footage to leak, but you wanted it to."
"No, I didn't. Honest," Carmilla paused and took Dylan's hand. "How do you want to proceed?"
"I don't know," Dylan admitted, running her other hand through her hair. "But I do know FNL got us together because they thought it'd be funny."
"Well we'll just suck it up. Play their little game, whatever. We can do that, can't we?"
"We haven't broken up officially," Carmilla shrugged, taking her hand back. "Take this as a... rough patch. We can figure out what to do later."
"Play their game? What about turning over a new leaf?"
Carmilla hesitated before answering, "It- It can wait."
"Thank you," Dylan replied sincerely, gingerly touching Carmilla's cheek.
"We're on," Kevin notified them, and they took the stage. He motioned for Laura to follow them, and he stood her behind one podium, and put Carmilla and Dylan behind their own podia. Once the stage lights came on, the set was easily recognizable as a replica of the one used for Jeorpardy!
"Hi, I'm your host Alex Trebek, and this is Jeopardy!" Kevin announced. "This is a special edition of Celebrity Jeopardy! Our guests are Dylan Mane, Carmilla Karnstein, and..."
He paused and looked at Laura, who looked at the TelePrompTer to read her lines.
"Nobody," Laura shrugged, just as she'd rehearsed.
"And Nobody!" Kevin repeated for the audience, who laughed in response. "The categories are Dylan Mane, Carmilla Karnstein, Pop Culture, Miscellaneous, Nobody, and Nothing. Nobody, you're the lowest-ranking, so you get to choose the first category."
"I'll take Nobody for $200, Alex."
"This is the pseudonym that Odysseus used after meeting Polyphemus."
"Who is Nobody?"
"You are," Kevin answered, drawing a laugh from the audience. "And you're also correct."
"I'll take Nobody for $400."
"This is a song off the album Be The Cowboy, and was one of its singles. Here is a clip of its official music video."
The clip showed a Japanese-American singer sitting across from herself and sharing a milkshake with her other self.
"What is 'Nobody'?" Laura answered, and Kevin nodded as the audience laughed.
"Let's change it up, I'll take Miscellaneous for $200."
"Which of the following is more electronegative: oxygen, sodium, bromine, fluorine?"
The buzzer indicated that Laura had gotten the answer wrong, and Dylan piped in, saying, "F it, Alex. It's fluorine."
"Fluorine is the correct answer," Kevin nodded, this time only a few members of the audience laughed. "Your turn to choose."
"I'll take... Dylan Mane for $200," Dylan grinned brightly.
"This was Dylan Mane's role in the 2010 movie, Metal Detective, which was her first major motion picture role."
"Who is..." Dylan trailed off, and the buzzer cut her off as her $200 total dropped to $0. Laura buzzed in.
"Who is Detective Allie U. Minium?"
Laura's $400 total went up to $600.
"You don't even know the answer to the question about yourself?" Kevin asked Dylan. Before she could answer he said, "Your pick, Nobody."
"Carmilla Karnstein for forever—" Laura started with a dreamy look in her eye before shaking herself and correcting herself. "Sorry, $400."
Laura rang in and replied, "Easy. Me."
The audience erupted into laughter as Laura continued her performance.
"Oh, wait. Who is me? Or who am me? What is me?"
"I don't know how to phrase that either," Kevin confessed just as the buzzer marked Laura incorrect. Then Dylan buzzed in.
"Who is me," Dylan asked, shooting a catty look at Laura, receiving additional laughter. The buzzer sounded, and Carmilla buzzed in.
"Carmilla," Kevin said, turning the attention to her.
"Who is..." Carmilla paused and pretended to be confused. "I... I don't know."
The crowed roared with laughter as Carmilla's total went to -$400.
"The correct answer is 'nobody,'" Kevin informed her. "She belongs to no one."
"That's right, I belong to no one!" Carmilla agreed.
"Well, this game of Jeopardy! has been... interesting," Kevin declared, facing the camera. "And just to speed things along, we're skipping right to Final Jeopardy. And even though two of you have no money to wager, we're going to allow you to play this round. The Final Jeopardy! question is: 'What?'"
The theme song of Jeopardy! played as the players wrote down their answers. Once the song was up, the players put down their pens.
"Let's see what the answers are," Kevin said. "Starting with Carmilla. What do you have for us?"
Carmilla had written WHY.
"I'm sorry, but that's going to cost you," Kevin told Carmilla, as her -$400 total went down to -$1,000,000. Dylan, what do you have written down?"
Dylan's screen revealed her answer was IT.
"That incorrect answer will cost you, what did you wager?"
The screen showed that Dylan drawn a heart where her wager was supposed to be. Her $0 total dropped to -$500,000.
"Nobody? What was your response? You were the only one with money to wager, you might've just won this game."
Laura had written THAT.
"That is correct!" Kevin declared. "And what was your wager?"
Laura too had drawn a heart, and Kevin laughed with the audience.
"Well, Nobody, money can't buy happiness, but it can get you pretty damn close, how about $1,000,000,000?" Kevin turned toward the camera. "This has been an episode of Celebrity Jeopardy! Thanks for playing, and I'm your host, Alex Trebek. Goodnight, everybody."
"And we're clear!" a camerawoman declared before Kevin walked over to Laura so he could speak to her.
"Hey, thanks for being such a good sport about this whole thing," he sincerely told her, shaking her hand. "A lot of stars can't take jokes... it's refreshing to see someone like you."
"Oh me? I'm nobody," Laura joked, taking her hand back.
"Well, you're somebody to me," Kevin insisted with a genuine smile. "I'll see you after the break."
"Sure," Laura nodded. She went over to the camera she had set up and checked it over before leaving it to find Carmilla, who seemed to be in an argument with Melissa yet again.
"—because it was fucking funny," Melissa hissed.
"It was in bad taste!" Carmilla replied sharply.
"It wasn't good," Dylan calmly agreed with Carmilla.
"You didn't have to agree to do it," Melissa retorted.
"You never leave me any choice!" Carmilla exclaimed. "Do it, or find a new publicist. Do it, or find a new manager. Do it because I do everything for you, why can't you just do this one thing, blah blah blah! You're always making me do things!"
"That's true," Dylan nodded.
"But ultimately, I give you the say. You decide whether you say yes or no," Melissa responded. "Besides, I know that you know very damn well those are all hollow threats. Otherwise you wouldn't say no the times you do say no."
"That is also true," Dylan sighed.
"Stay out of this," Carmilla told her coolly.
"I have a right to be in this because my name has been dragged into it already, in case you've forgotten so soon," Dylan snapped, surprising not only Carmilla and Melissa, but even Laura as well. She'd never seen Dylan get angry. "They warned me not to get all tangled up with you, but I was stupid and I did it anyway. I don't even know why! Maybe I liked the idea of someone so fresh and real in the industry! So down-to-earth! But then I got to know you, and you're just as bad as everyone else—"
"And you're not?" Carmilla shot back. "Carmilla, I can't afford a scandal right now. Carmilla, let's do this, let's say this, let's be seen together. That's not fake to you? That's real?"
"It's better than doing something just to do it, not because you want to do it or agree with it."
"May I just... cut in?" Laura asked timidly. All three of them looked at her.
"And what could you possibly have to say about this?" Melissa demanded to know, crossing her arms.
"There is always some facet of Hollywood that isn't real," Laura commented. "It's been like that since its creation. You choose whether or not you fall into that ditch, and how far you fall. But either way, once you're in, there's no going back. And for that, you sacrifice your happiness. But it's not too late to try and be real again. I said that to Carmilla, and now I'm saying it to you, Dylan. Be you. That's what people really want. You won't feel so miserable and lonely if you just be your genuine self."
"She's right," Dylan nodded. Melissa grunted.
"Except for you," Laura went on, looking directly at Melissa. "Your real self is rotten. Rotten to the core. You don't care about anyone individually, but you care about everyone else and what they see and perceive. You've been bad for Carmilla ever since you started. As a fan, I know that. And now, as someone who's had to watch the interactions between you two up close, I can honestly say that you are toxic, and no one wants to see your real self. Because all that I've seen is just the tip of the iceberg. And that is a terrifying thought."
Before anyone could say anything else, the door swung open and Kevin beckoned for Dylan to follow him to the stage.
Carmilla shot Laura a look that said follow her, and Carmilla returned to her room with Laura in tow. Before Melissa could follow them in, Carmilla closed the door in her face and sat with Laura on the couch.
"Your time with me is... coming to an end," Carmilla commented softly. "I know we're almost done with the documentary, and the tour is winding down too."
"I just... wanted to thank you for the work you've done," Carmilla went on. Laura didn't know how to respond. "I have something to tell you, and I know this isn't the best timing, but I want you to think it over—"
"Danny and I were never dating," Laura interrupted, taking Carmilla by surprise.
"I'm sorry, what?"
"We weren't dating," Laura repeated. "Since we're in the habit of being real and making confessions. I did it to make you jealous, and now I feel stupid that I even have to tell you that."
"I..." Carmilla paused as it finally began to register.
"I didn't want you to feel bad about breaking us up with the whole... leaked footage scandal thing," Laura said.
"Laura, why would you say that?" Carmilla asked. She sounded as if she were giving up on something.
"Because... I don't know..."
"Melissa thinks you leaked that footage," Carmilla informed her with exasperation. "She was gonna fire you on the spot earlier, but I put up a fight."
"Carmilla... I didn't," Laura told her. "Honest."
"I didn't think you did," Carmilla admitted. "But we need to find who did."
"What's the point? Even if you clear my name, Melissa will never like me."
Carmilla stopped and thought for a moment before saying, "But none of that is what I wanted to tell you."
"Okay..." Laura paused. "You're scaring me, Carmilla."
"I'm... not doing well managing everything," Carmilla confided. "And I don't want to freak you out, but... I can't stand being alive—"
"Carmilla?" Kevin asked, poking his head in. "You're on."
Carmilla sighed and gave Laura an apologetic look before walking out to the stage. She grabbed an apron and a small notepad and pen before stepping out in front of the cameras to perform.
"Hey. Thanks for coming to Black Ice, the chicest restaurant in town. I don't know why you'd want to come here... anyway, what can I get you?" Carmilla asked with a bored expression on her face as the audience laughed.
"I'll have the... roasted...? Roadkill...?" one of the stars of FNL sounded out as she read off the menu, drawing more amusement from the crowd.
"Would you like a side of flies with that?" Carmilla asked, pretending to write the order down. Again, the viewers chuckled.
"Fries? Sure, I'd like fries."
"No. Flies. I said flies," Carmilla insisted with a little attitude.
"Do you have anything else?"
"Flies are... okay," the female star hesitantly decided. She turned to her friend and muttered, "I guess I could always swat them away."
"Oh no you can't," Carmilla informed her matter-of-factly. "They'll already be dead. But don't worry, they're fresh. Our chef goes out and shoots the wings off them every day. And for you?"
The friend looked over at Carmilla nervously before replying, "Maybe I'll just have a salad."
"Excellent choice," Carmilla nodded, pretending to write it down. "Our salads have been tossed by only the finest cow stomachs—but only up to the second chamber. Wouldn't want them to be too dry."
The audience roared with laughter as the two actresses feigned disgust and confusion.
"What kind of restaurant is this anyway? Who owns it?"
"The Addams family," Carmilla nodded, earning more laughs. "I'm a distant relative of theirs."
"Ohhh," they both nodded as they looked around and at Carmilla. "That makes sense."
"I understand if you want to leave," Carmilla offered, but the two shook their heads.
"No, we trust the Addams family to have the best of the best. We'll take two sangrias as well."
"Suit yourself," Carmilla shrugged as fangs protruded from her mouth. She then tackled the two of them and pretended to drink them dry. She stood up with fake blood dribbling from her mouth and she feigned regret. "Oh no... they said they'd take two sangrias, not make two sangrias! That's the third time this week! I am so getting fired."