1A/N: This is a little story I did in the vein of Marvel's "What If"s, and it actually won an award on the Marvel fan-fic boards when it was first written. (Back when Marvel still had message board forums.) It pairs my beloved Hunter Parker with one of my favorite "horror" movie heroes, Ashley J. Williams, in a most bizarre outing! Have fun, and watch out for the Deadites! Also, this ties loosely to the Army of Darkness comic, shortly after the Xena crossover arc. Hence why Ash mentions Amazon babes with swords.
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"Ashes, Ashes…."
Earth 482- Central America, 1376:
A group of half-naked Aztecs are dancing atop a temple pyramid, preparing to make a human sacrifice. The priest is about to make the kill, when a huge, swirling purple vortex opens behind him. Lightening crackles out, striking the priest and frying him where he stands. A tall, strangely-dressed man steps out of the portal; he has dark hair, blue eyes, and pale skin. He has a large hide-bound book in one hand, and a strange metal stick with a wooden handle in the other. All the men stop dancing and suddenly fall to their knees, bowing before the stranger. He grins, and an evil light fills his eyes.
Stranger: "That's right, you primitive fanatics! Worship me, baby! Hahaha!"
Meanwhile- a peaceful lake, miles away:
A second portal opens over the water; a man falls out of it, and splashes into the water. He sputters to the surface, coughing. He looks nearly identical to the first man, but has a chainsaw strapped to his back and a metal hand. He swims to the near-by shore, and looks around. He sees a small, primitive-looking town in the distance.
Man(Ash): "Well, this place doesn't look too bad. At least this world doesn't seem to have any angry sword-wielding babes or demon-possessed fairies roaming around. Then again, those two honeys could kick MY ass ANY day and I wouldn't complain. Oh, well- time to track down that bothersome book- AGAIN."
He starts off toward the town, and soon finds himself in an area of small, terraced hill-side farms. He sees a few people tending the crops; most are too busy to notice him, but a few see him and begin pointing and speaking excitedly. One man even takes off, running toward the town. The others begin to follow him, crowing around, eager to examine the strange man.
Ash: "Huh. Guess he went to get the welcoming committee ready. They certainly seem FRIENDLY enough! Maybe they've just never met a guy as good-looking as me."
He finally reaches the town, and is met by a trio of armed warriors carrying spears. They part for a tall man in a large head-dress and feathered cloak. He looks Ash over, then barks an order to four men near-by. They rush off for a few moments, while Ash tries talking to the tall leader.
Ash: "Hey there, fella- you look like the one in charge here. You wouldn't happen to have seen a large ugly leather book, would you? And do you know where I can get some grub? I'm starving!"
The men return, carrying a large chair on a wooden base attached to poles. They set it down in front of Ash, while another man drapes a jaguar skin and a feather cloak over him. A pretty young woman comes forward to place a small crown made of feathers and claws on his head. He bows for a moment as he sits on the chair.
Ash: "Now THIS is what I'm talkin' about! I could get used to this kind of treatment!"
They start to carry the seat into the town. A crowd follows, with the leader and his three guards at its head.
Earth 616- Midtown Manhattan, Present time (2027):
Hunter chases after a pair of eight-year-old twin girls with blonde hair who have entered the lab of Reed and Franklin Richards in the Baxter Building. He tries to grab them, but the girls link hands, giggling, and "blink" out of reach.
Hunter: "Now, come ON, girls- it's BED-TIME! I promised your dad Franklin I'd keep you two OUT of trouble! That specifically means staying out of this lab!"
Twins(in unison): "Hee,hee! Gotta CATCH us first, Uncle Hunter!"
Hunter(exasperated): "Ugh, this would be SOO much easier if they hadn't snatched my 'shooters! I'm an 'Uncle' to a couple of monkeys."
He tries to catch them again, only to have them "blink" and make him miss again. He stumbles through the space they just vacated, and bumps into a dimensional portal generator. It activates. The two girls turn and look surprised, as the doorway opens and starts to pull him into it.
Hunter: "Uh-oh. Okay, girls- play-time's OVER! I need my web-shooters- NOW!"
They toss them to him, but he's already being sucked in. Just as he manages to catch them, he looses his grip on the portal's edge. He gets dragged in, web-shooters and all. It pulls at the girls, too, but they blink out of the room to safety.
Earth 482:
Ash is being tied down to an altar, while his evil twin watches from the throne. The tribe all have strange, inhuman looks in their eyes; they are chanting.
Ash: "Can't we talk this over? come on, he's USING you people!"
Evil Ash: "Sorry, chum, they're not listening! See, I'M the one holding the book! That means I'VE got the power!"
He laughs wickedly as the new priest is about to stab Ash. Ash struggles harder; suddenly, his metal hand snaps the rope holding it down. He grabs the dagger from the surprised priest, and quickly cuts free his other hand. One of the warriors tries to spear him, but he yanks it and skewers the priest. Two more rush at him- he throws the dagger into one's head, and yanks back with the first warrior's spear, slamming the butt of it into the third warrior. Then he pulls his feet loose, and stands on the altar, holding the spears more angry natives rush at him. He snaps the spear of one in half with his metal hand, jumps over a swipe from another, and slashes the throats of two at once. He notices his chain-saw and shotgun, along with a box of shells, lying near the entranced chief. He leaps over the two natives and dives over to them, even as he hears his demonic counter-part start reciting a spell from the book.
Evil Ash: "Nicto klatu varata! Necara Cthulu iktashi morando! Klandathu-"
Suddenly the dead warriors start to rise up again. Ash grabs his weapons, then hurls the spear at his double. It rips the page the book before the double can complete the incantation.
Ash: "That's enough of THAT, mister!"
He switches on the chain-saw- just as the undead warriors start to grab at him! He starts hacking them apart, and finally manages to grab the shells for the gun and make a dash for the spear with the torn page still stuck on it.
Just as he reaches it and pulls it off the spear, there is a loud crack of thunder, and a powerful wind nearly knocks him down. A huge portal opens in the air above him, with light flashing all around. The natives and undead pause, and his counter-part stares upward.
Ash: "THIS can't be good."
The evil "twin" grins, and starts in on another spell.
Evil Ash: "Klatora, lakashtu nisto miraki. Tarmoktu Dagon-la rikmordi! Ataro nictamos-"
a reddish haze envelops the tribe, and soon they begin to transform, growing claws and fangs, their eyes turning milky white, and their skin becoming pale and mottled, with black veins and strange sores leaking green and yellow pus.
Ash grimaces as the possessed natives continue to attack; he makes a break for the temple steps, trying to shove shells into the shotgun while fending them off with the chain-saw. Suddenly, he hears a sound from above. He looks up to see something falling from the vortex directly toward him. It looks like some strange cross between a man and a spider, with six arms flailing about, and large black eyes which are, at the moment, open wide in panic.
Stranger: "Aaaaaaaahhhhhhh!"
Ash: "What is THAT?!"
The stranger falls on top of Ash, knocking aside his gun and chainsaw and sending them both sprawling to the ground.
Stranger: "Uhhnnfff!"
Ash: " Huuaahhmmff!"
He looks up, right into the face of his obviously very young assailant. It is a teen-aged boy with longish auburn hair, in a button-down blue tee-shirt with a little white patch with a "4" on it, and a pair of faded black jeans.
Ash: "Wow. They're making these Deadites younger- and WEIRDER- than ever!"
Stranger (Hunter): "Heh, sorry I landed on you- uh, thanks for breaking my fall!"
Ash shoves at him, and the strange teen jumps back as he slashes up at his head with the chain-saw.
Ash: "Get offa me, ya Deadite freak! Taste chain-saw, demon!"
Hunter: "Whoa- easy! Hey, I SAID I was SORRY! And DON'T call me a FREAK! What the heck is a Deadite, anyway?"
He ducks as one of the undead tribesmen throws a spear at him, then grabs Ash and leaps down the temple steps, twisting to snare several possessed natives in a web-net as he goes.
Hunter: "Yikes- the natives are restless! Friends of yours?"
Ash cocks the shotgun and fires at one of the natives from over hunter's shoulder, blowing a hole in the possessed warrior's chest. The Aztec falls, only to get up again as an undead.
Fx: Blam!
Ash: "THOSE are Deadites! And ,no, they ain't ANYBODY'S friends! Okay, kid- if you're NOT one of 'em, what ARE you?"
Hunter grins, sprinting down the last few steps with Ash still in tow, the tribal Deadites in hot pursuit.
Hunter: "The name's Hunter Parker- or Red-Back, if you prefer. So, you want the long version of the short version?"
Ash fires another round, taking the head off of the now undead skewered priest.
Ash: "Ugh, priest-kebab, that's just freaky. I'm Ash. Short version."
Hunter makes a dash toward the forest at the edge of the village, and leaps up into the branches of the nearest tree. He leapfrogs and swings from tree to tree, finally able to lose the Deadites.
Hunter: "My Dad got bitten by an irradiated spider, got some really cool powers out of the deal, and through a quirk of genetics and one interfering Sorcerer Supreme, I inherited them- and THEN some. I'm what's called a mutant on my world. Speaking of- where ARE we, and how do I get HOME?"
He sets Ash down on a branch. Ash glances down, sees how high they are, and starts to look nervous. Finally he shrugs and reloads the gun.
Ash: "Mutant, huh? Guess that explains the whole B-movie reject look you got going- no offense. Say, come to think of it, I came across a world not too long ago with a bunch of weirdoes in tights, and some of them were mutants, too. Course, they all ended up turning into zombies. I almost got eaten, but one of the super-losers rescued me right before he turned into one himself. Some nut who swung around on some kind of web a lot- he called himself-"
Hunter (interrupts, startled): "Spider-Man?!"
Ash starts to look for a way down from the tree. He slings the chainsaw over one shoulder by its strap, and slides the shotgun into a holster over the other.
Ash: "Hey, yeah! You know the guy?"
Hunter gives him a sour look. He nods, hoisting Ash onto his back as he drops to the ground.
Hunter: "Uh, yeah. That 'NUT' was my DAD! Or, some alternate-world analog, anyway. I remember hearing something once about a world that was overrun by cannibal zombies. But the survivors all found another world to live on. Anyway, that was all before MY time. You said you've BEEN to that world?"
He sets Ash down, and the two start off into the jungle. Ash pushes his way through the thick foliage, swatting at bugs and snapping small branches as he goes. He is slowly heading back toward the village.
Ash: "Yeah, and lemme tell ya, it wasn't pretty, kid. Sorry about that 'nut' crack, by the way. Guess time is different on each world. Either that, or that evil book really DOES have a sick sense of humor. Anyway, near as I can figure, we're in Central America sometime before the Spaniards showed up. And the only way EITHER of us is getting back to our respective worlds is back the way we came- a nasty little book called the Necronomicon. And it's in the hands of my evil 'twin'."
Hunter does a double-take. He groans, smacking his forehead with one hand, the others flung up in a gesture of surrender.
Hunter: "Wait- did you just say 'Necronomicon'? What d'ya MEAN back where we came from? In case you weren't paying attention, those guys were trying to KILL us!"
Now it's Ash's turn to look surprised. He turns to Hunter as they are crossing a small stream; a large snake swims by, and is suddenly snapped up by a young alligator. Ash holds up the torn page.
Ash: "So, you know of it? Vicious little piece of work."
They continue through the jungle; Hunter is looking up at all the birds and flowers in wonder. They pass an ancient stone carving, covered with vines and moss. Hunter nods.
Hunter: "Well, I've heard STORIES, but... And what's this about an evil twin? I thought I was the only one with one of those! Do we really HAVE to go back to that village? I get the feeling they weren't too happy with you there."
Ash shrugs.
Ash: "Heh, guess we got something in common, kid. And yes, we ARE going back, because we NEED the Necronomicon to undo all of this, AND to get us both home. Unless, y'know, you WANT to be stuck on this God-forsaken world. If we don't stop it, the curse will only spread; BELIEVE me, junior, I've SEEN what kind of chaos that book can cause!"
Hunter hops up onto a large broken tree-trunk, surveying the terrain. He crouches on the trunk's toppled side, and watches the tree-tops warily. Something is wrong; the birds have all gone silent.
Hunter: "Yeah, I get that, but HOW do we get past all those possessed natives and get it back? We need to-"
Suddenly his Spider-sense kicks in. He tenses, ready to fight, but sees no Deadites. Then something rustles in the brush to their left, and suddenly a large jaguar pounces on Ash!
Ash: "Yaaahh!"
Cat-Fx: Yowwrroowrr!
The big cat knocks him down, and he tries to fend off its teeth and claws. Hunter springs, grappling the cat as he lands on top of it. Enraged now, the jaguar tries to turn on him. He rolls over, holding it above him on its back, and heaves it away. The angry feline lands with a growl, and he springs back onto his feet just as it prepares to attack again.
Cat-Fx: Grrowrr!
He stares it down; the jaguar lays its ears back, baring its fangs, its tail lashing wildly. Ash stares at the two, frantically trying to pull out his shotgun.
The cat hunches back to pounce on Hunter, but he's ready for it. He throws out a web to pin it down, then leaps in front of Ash as he is about to shoot.
Hunter: "No! Don't kill it. The cat was just looking for dinner. It's harmless now. Anyway, I was going to say we need to make up a plan. Let's go."
Ash stares at him incredulously, the gun still raised.
Ash: "Are you CRAZY?! That thing just tried to EAT me! I am NOT gonna be some overgrown housecat's dinner!"
Hunter stands firm, his arms crossed but with one hand on the end of the gun.
Hunter: "No. It's pinned until that web dissolves. We'll be long gone by then. We're in ITS territory- the jaguar was just doing what comes naturally. Come on."
Ash looks at the struggling, panting animal, and slowly lowers his gun. He chuckles.
Ash: "Ha-ha, I get it. You're one of those tree-huggers, aren't ya? Got a soft spot for anything furry?"
Hunter shrugs, shaking his head, and continues through the jungle. This time it's Ash who trails behind.
Hunter: "Not really. I just don't like anyone hurting something when it's helpless."
Soon they come to a low stone wall near the edge of the village. They crouch behind some bushes. Hunter climbs up to peek over the top, and surveys the town's layout quickly before hopping back down.
Hunter (whispering): "Okay, your evil twin is probably at the temple, so we need to sneak in, get the book, and get out."
Ash gives him a dubious look, head cocked to one side.
Ash: "Uh-huh. And just HOW we gonna do that, boy genius?"
Hunter sighs, looking annoyed.
Hunter: "The NAME is Hunter! Or Red-Back. And don't worry, I can get us in there without being seen, we just have to wait until dark."
Ash is skeptical, not quite sure whether the boy's confidence is from bravado or experience.
Ash: "Sure. If you say so. Hey, why 'Red-Back"? 'Zat supposed to be some kind of nick-name?"
Hunter starts removing his civilian attire, revealing his costume beneath. He webs his clothes up in a small sack and slings it over his back, then puts on his gloves over the web-shooters. He turns to give Ash a pointed stare.
Hunter: "Nope. Code-name. I'm one of those 'super-losers' you mentioned earlier."
Ash turns red, embarrassed.
Ash: "Oops- did I SAY that? Heh, sorry, ki- er, Hunter. Shoulda' figured, with your dad bein' one."
A few hours later….
It is finally dark, and Hunter gets up from his perch on a tree branch and drops down to the ground. Ash sits leaning against the tree. He has fallen asleep. Hunter nudges him with one foot, and Ash wakes, startled.
Ash: "Huh? What- oh. Looks like it's time. So how do we get in?"
Hunter grins mischievously. He pulls Ash onto his back, and leaps up into a tree that arches over the wall. He takes a short run and vaults to a rooftop in the village, then bounds from roof to roof with Ash riding piggy-back. Soon they reach one near the temple. He lets Ash down onto the roof, and they both crouch down, watching as Evil Ash leads the tribe in what appears to be another sacrifice- this time a young woman. It is the same girl who had given Ash the feather crown earlier.
Ash (muttering): "Primitive bastards- they're gonna kill one of their own!"
Hunter (worried): "We have to stop them- we can't just let that girl die!"
He starts to get up to go to the rescue. Ash yanks him back down.
Ash: "What're you, NUTS?! The WHOLE town is down there, and MOST of 'em are Deadites! They're in a frenzy- you jump into the middle of THAT crowd, and you can kiss your ass good-bye! One bite from ANY of those creeps, and you'll turn into one, too."
Hunter: "So what do we do?"
Ash smirks, pulling out the shotgun. He aims at the evil counter-part, who is performing the ceremony, since there is no longer a priest. The double holds a dagger in one hand, and the Necronomicon in the other.
Ash: "Watch and learn, ki- Hunter. Watch and learn. Think you can get the book with one of your webs?"
Hunter(nodding): "Yeah."
Ash: "Good. Get ready."
Just as Evil Ash is about to kill the girl, Ash fires.
Fx: Blam! Thwippt!
Hunter swipes the book from the demonic double, who now has a huge hole in his chest. The double looks startled for a moment, then turns and points at the two. The tribe looks angry.
Evil Ash: "Rraaagghh! GET THEM!"
Ash shoots again, hitting two natives, only to have them rise again.
Fx: Blam! Blam!
Hunter turn to him, looking angry himself, now.
Hunter: "I DON'T think that's WORKING! Besides, how can we undo the spell on them if YOU keep KILLING them?!"
Ash shoots another one as the nearest ones throw spears up at them on the roof. A few have bows, and are firing arrows instead. Hunter dodges two spears and an arrow, and catches a third spear as it whizzes past. He tosses it down, only to have Ash pick it up and hurl it at his evil twin. It falls short.
Fx: Blam! Kla-taakk!
Ash: "Forget it, kid, all bets are off! Give me the book!"
Hunter webs several tribesmen, but they have knives and soon start to cut themselves loose.
Hunter: "No way! You said we could reverse this!"
Ash(impatient): "Fine, have it your way! Take this, and shoot the DEAD ones!"
He hands Hunter the gun, and takes the book. He starts going through it, torn page in hand, looking for the reversal spell.
Now the natives have begun grabbing torches, and tossing them at the hut. They ignite it easily, and soon the two are surrounded by the flames. Hunter is trying to stamp it out as he dodges more arrows, and attempts to shoot at the undead warriors. He manages to shoot an arm off of one, and a leg on another.
Fx: Blam! Blam!
He frantically keeps trying to web up the natives while they continue hurling weapons at him and Ash, Ash ducks an arrow while he searches through the pages, and Hunter snatches two more out of the air before they can hit Ash. Just as Ash locates the spell, Hunter's Spider-sense goes crazy again. There is an ominous groaning at their feet.
Fx:Krra-krrraarkkk!
Hunter: "Uh-oh."
The fire has spread quickly, and has now weakened the roof and beams of the hut. Suddenly, it collapses beneath their feet, sending them both sprawling to the dir floor in the midst of the burning hovel!
Fx: Kerrasshh! Fwoosh!
Ash/Hunter: "Yyaaahh!
They stagger to their feet, coughing. The doorway is blocked by fallen beams, and they are trapped inside, with flames and debris blocking the hole in the roof.
Ash (koff, koff): "Looks like we're out of the frying pan and into the fire! Got any ideas?"
Hunter looks around frantically. He notices the chain-saw strapped to Ash's back. He hands Ash the gun and takes the book back.
Hunter: "Here, take your pea-shooter back and get ready! Now give me that salad-maker and stand back- I'm making us a door!"
Ash shrugs and unstraps the chain-saw, handing it to him. He reloads the gun, and watches while Hunter fires up the chain-saw, slashing straight through the nearest wall with an almost maniacal glee.
Fx: Rrrrnnnzzzzz-zzzrrnn!
Hunter: "Huugrraaahhh!"
Ash(aside): "Holy Hannah, the kid's even CRAZIER than I am!"
He slashes at the wall several times, until there is a hole large enough to get through. Just as he is about to shove his way out, several arrows come flying through the gap. He dives out of the way, yanking Ash down with him.
Ash: "Hey- watch it! This thing's got a hair trigger!"
They get back up, as two natives try to stab at them with their spears through the hole. Ash just grimaces and raises the barrel.
Fx: Blam! Blam!
One falls with the top of his head gone; the other has an arm shot off and staggers back. Hunter turns on Ash and yells.
Hunter: "I thought we were only shooting the DEAD ones!"
Ash: "We can argue about it later- IF we live that long! We have to get to the top of the temple!"
Hunter bashes through the hole, brandishing the chain-saw in front of him. The natives fall back, but continue jabbing with their spears. He cuts through the weapons with the chain-saw each time.
Ash follows him out, apparently just in time, as the hut comes crashing down behind him! More arrows are fired, and some of the possessed warriors have tossed aside their broken spears for daggers. The two try to push their way through the mob of angry tribesmen, while Evil Ash yells at them.
Evil Ash: "KILL them! Get that book!"
He picks up a discarded spear-point, and throws it like a dagger at Ash. But Hunter's spider-sense warns him of the attack, and he shoves Ash out of the way, but is hit by it instead. He lets out a cry of pain, but keeps fighting.
Hunter: "Gggrraaahh!"
He glances down; the spear-head is stuck deep in the hollow between two of his arms. He grits his teeth and yanks it out, then hurls it at one of the undead Aztecs Ash had shot. It sticks in the Deadite's eye.
Hunter: "Yeeaarrgghhh! Hurnngyaah!"
He continues to web up the possessed warriors, but they keep cutting free of his webs. Ash is being hedged in by the natives, and has resorted to swinging his shotgun like a club. He whacks one over the head, knocking the warrior out, and slams two others into each other, but there are too many. He shakes his head, narrowly missing being skewered by a spear as he ducks an attack.
Ash: "This is no good- there are too many! We gotta get out of here!"
Hunter picks him up.
Hunter: "No problem! Hang on!"
He leaps straight up, and comes down on the shoulders of a Deadite several feet away. He gets an idea.
Hunter: "Okay, it's time to play hopscotch! Should've thought of this sooner!"
He starts bouncing around off of the natives themselves, kicking out and webbing them down each time he lands, then vaulting off again before they can try to attack him. He keeps doing his peculiar tap-dance on their heads, making his way to the temple in leaps and bounds, like a sheep-dog on the backs of the sheep. Finally he manages to get to the temple steps, and sprints up until he is face to face with the evil counter-part.
Ash: "Wow. That's ONE way to do it..."
Hunter sets him down, and doubles over, weakened from his wound and the exertion. The double grins, and tries to stab him with his dagger. But Ash aims the shotgun, and fires.
Fx: Blam! Blam!
Ash: "Don't THINK so, chumly. You've been running around with MY face TOO LONG!"
He blows the hand off of his double, who suddenly turns on him angrily.
Evil Ash: "RRaagghh! You're DEAD!"
He picks up the dagger in his other hand, rushing at Ash. Ash tries to shoot, but the gun is empty!
Suddenly, Hunter stands up, and reaches out with lightening speed to grab the evil twin's arm. He twists it around, snapping it and plunging the dagger into the double's forehead.
Hunter: "GGraahh! THAT'S for tearing up my suit! This is the third one I've gone through THIS WEEK, jackass!"
Ash just stands looking shocked. He lowers the gun. The double topples over, with a surprised look. The natives all seem to look confused.
Ash: "Whoa. Never saw THAT coming."
Hunter staggers to the altar, and starts to free the terrified woman. He is heaving, one hand over his wound.
Hunter: "Unnggh- think that thing- uhhngh- punctured a lung. Hurts to- breathe."
Ash: "I thought you didn't want to kill anyone. That was some move."
Hunter shrugs, and hands him the book.
Hunter: "After that hole in his chest- hungh, I figured it was a good bet he wasn't- ungh- human. I took a chance. Now, undo the spell on these people and let's get out of here. Ugnnh, Mom's gonna KILL me when she finds out I have to go to the ER again!"
Ash shrugs, and starts reciting the reversal spell...
Later. Earth 616, Baxter Building.
Hunter falls through the open portal, landing on his hands and knees. He is still bleeding, but has made a makeshift bandage with some webbing. He staggers to the portal generator and switches it off. He sits down heavily, still weak, his every breath labored.
Hunter: "Ugh, that's the LAST time I baby-sit for these two. This was more trouble than it was worth..."