Disclaimer: I do not own Warriors, everything belongs to Erin Hunter.
This story is a sequel to my story Warriors: A Parody, you can find it on my profile. You don't have to have read it to read this though.
Jayfeather was doing his usual daily routine; staring into a bowl of water, looking for signs from StarClan, despite the fact that he couldn't even see. Intense and colorful images played out in his head. These weren't signs from StarClan; he had taken acid today. After staring into the water for a long ass time, he eventually fell asleep and fell into the bowl.
Jayfeather awoke in a starry meadow. He could see! He saw a small circle of cats gathered around. He recognized Bluestar, Yellowfang, Whitestorm, and Lionheart as they spoke.
"Spill the deets about that jealous ho Spottedleaf, Yellowfang!" Lionheart giddily exclaimed.
"Yeah, Spottedleaf wouldn't get out of my face. Like honestly, I'm so tired of her shit. She has the nerve. Bitch thinks she's special or some shit just cuz she's pretty and she died young and she's mystical and some shit now that she dead. So I was all like, 'Why you disrespectin' me, bitch?' and then she all like 'At least I got bomb ass titties, you old rag!" Yellowfang told the story very scandalously, pausing here and there to take puffs off her cigarette, as the other cats gasped.
"Fuck that bitch! You're perfect the way you are, honey." Bluestar exclaimed to her friend, as the three cats embraced Yellowfang.
"Ahem..." Jayfeather mewed. He wanted to know why he was here, but he had to wait until the story about Spottedleaf was finished. He didn't realize she was such a two-faced slut!
"Oh shit, I forgot I had a prophecy to tell today! Get the fuck out of here!" Yellowfang exclaimed to Bluestar, Whitestorm and Lionheart. They all scattered, and Yellowfang threw her cigarette into a puddle, hoping Jayfeather didn't see anything.
"Hello Jayfeather. Walk with me." Yellowfang said very calmly.
Jayfeather walked through the rolling meadows of StarClan with her. "What is it that caused you to summon me here, Yellowfang?"
"There is a great danger ahead for your clan, Jayfeather." Yellowfang stated very profoundly, a look of deep worry in her eyes.
"Great danger?" Jayfeather replied, filled with fear.
"Great danger." Yellowfang said back, stalling due to the fact she didn't know what to say for the prophecy.
"Great danger?" Jayfeather exclaimed, becoming more scared with each moment that passed.
"Great, great, great, danger." Yellowfang continued.
"Okay, what is this goddamn prophecy?" Jayfeather was angry by now. "Why are doing this bullshit to me? You already know I suffer enough! I'm blind!"
"Okay, okay." Yellowfang said, as she quickly thought up a prophecy, not wanting to start one of Jayfeather's tangents. He could be a little bitch when he wanted to be.
"The... river... will connect... the birds.. to the... darkness! The river will connect the birds to the darkness." Yellowfang stated.
"OMS, what is it supposed to mean?" Jayfeather was so confused. What did this prophecy mean for the clan?
"Um, idk. Figure it out yourself, I aint the medicine cat no more! LOL!" And with that, Yellowfang disappeared in a cloud of mist, and Jayfeather was back in the medicine cat den, soaked with the water from the bowl he fell into.
Ivypool's kits were now apprentices, known as Foxpaw and Ivypaw. She was bored now that she wasn't able to feed her kits all the time and chat with the other nursery queens about what Kim Kardashian has been doing lately. She sat in the TV den, watching the newest episode of Desperate Housecats.
"O.M.S. Did Princess kill Angel's twoleg? This is some intense shit!" Ivypool could barely keep herself in her seat! All was well until the channel suddenly changed to some cat cooking asparagus or some other shitty green vegetable. Ivypool looked around, infuriated. Sandstorm was holding the remote, with a bottle of vodka in the other hand.
"Fuck outta here ho, I gotta watch my shit." Sandstorm slurred.
"Dark Forest no, I aint movin!" Ivypool said defiantly.
"Are you tryna get in my face?" Sandstorm replied, barely able to keep her eyes open. She had retired to the elder's den by now, because she was really old, she couldn't control her shits anymore, and so she could focus full-time on drinking. A few turds dropped out of her asshole like rocks as she talked to Ivypool.
"Yes, I am. I'll fight you over this TV. Wanna have a rap battle, ho?" Ivypool yelled. Daisy, Brightheart, Millie, and Ferncloud had taken notice to the argument by now. "Oh shit, Sandstorm. Rap battle challenges are serious. Be prepared to bring it on." Brightheart meowed, engrossed in the conflict.
"Shut up, bitch! At least I got both of my eyes." Sandstorm roughly yowled. Brightheart laid her ears back and left after that.
Sandstorm looked back at Ivypool. "Fine, I'll rap against you. Prepared to have you ass handed to you though, you little kit."
Sandstorm and Ivypool moved their fight to the middle of the camp, so the rest of their clan could witness their rap battle. Ivypool knew the victory was hers. The cats of ThunderClan gathered around to watch.
Lionblaze and Cinderheart were having sex, like usual, behind the warriors den. "Oh ya... rub my tit, rub my tit! It's milky! I'M SQUIRTING AND I-' CENSORED! CENSORED! CENSORED BY THE CENSORING ASSOCIATION OF THUNDERCLAN
After that encounter, the two came from behind the den to watch the rap battle. Lionblaze and Cinderheart were enjoying their young marriage. The son Lionblaze had had with Toadstep was now an apprentice known as Rainpaw. Cinderheart adopted him as her own, but Rainpaw hated her with a burning passion.
Cinderheart approached Rainpaw. "Hey Rainpaw, how has it been?" She cooed warmly. She wanted him to love her, but all he did was turn his ass toward her and blast some brown shit in ever face. "I'm good, stupid bitch." He coldly replied, and walked away. Cinderheart yowled in agony as Rainpaw's shit infected her eyes.
Lionblaze came up next to his brother Jayfeather in the crowd of cats. "What do you want? I'm blind!" Jayfeather yowled at him.
"I just wanted to stand next to my brother, man..." Lionblaze trailed off. It's okay though, he was still super cool and really strong. He stared at his own guns and got lost in them for a heartbeat.
Dovewing came to Jayfeather's side as well. "Hey guys! Just thought I'd sit you you because we're better than everyone because we have powers and shit."
Jayfeather rolled his eyes in annoyance. "Oh yeah, before the rap battle starts, I thought I'd tell yall, I got a prophecy from StarClan today. "The river will connect the birds to the darkness. Idk what the fuck it means and I don't really care. Yall can figure this one out. I'm tired of this bullshit. I just wanna complain and work with plants for the rest of my life."
Lionblaze shrugged. "Whatever. I'll worry about it another day."
Dovewing opened her mouth to speak, but was interrupted by a loud bell dinging.
Brambleclaw was the MC for the rap battle between Sandstorm and Ivypool. He was wearing dark sunglasses and a lot of bling. "Yo yo yo! These two hoes got beef, and they gon work it out by rappin bout it! First up, we got our leader Firestar's main bitch Sandstorm! Purdy, lay down a beat!"
"Wil do, Brambulklaw!" Purdy toothlessly exclaimed from the DJ booth. "Alrite Saendstohrm, I gat a sik beet for u!"
A load and obnoxious hip hop beat started playing. Sandstorm stared at Ivypool with hatred in her gaze. She was really drunk. "Yo, yo, yo, yo, yo. My name is Sandstorm, my husband is really hot. I'm always down to make his a sugary treat, so go on bitch, take a seat. I've been around for longer than your dad, ho don't test me, I'll slice open your pad. I love me some beer, my rap skills will make you shed a tear." Sandstorm finished, looking at ivypool with a devilish grin on her face.
Ivypool giggled a bit, and started rapping at three times the speed as her opponent. "Ho I got more fierce than you in one paw, bitch I been known to break the law. I fucked yo man in the back of a van, you old as shit and you bout to get lit. All these toms is starin at my ass, it got a shitton of mass. I still look better than you on a bad day, respect to me it's time for you to pay. I'm the best rapper in the game, yo old ass is just tame." She finished, and every cat in the clan was silent.
Sandstorm was overwhelmed by the rap, and fell over. The camp erupted into chaos. Jayfeather let out a long sigh. Now he had to do his job and take care of this stupid ho. He hoped she was dead so he didn't have to try to heal her.
Thanks for reading, please leave reviews! I would greatly appreciate it!