Two years have passed since the marriage of Squishy the Jawa and Sylvia the Ssi-Ruuk. Despite media and political uproars, the couple maintained their love, and a new age of racial tolerance was made. Soon more different races starting finding love on other worlds, leading to an advancement in peace talks and the settlement between disputes of different races. It was indeed a time of long sought-after peace.
Meanwhile, the Jedi, along with the happy couple, have continued to maintain peace in the galaxy. With her new-found powers Force powers, Sylvia was able to train and become a Jedi under the tutelage of her husband. Together they went about settling small squabbles in every corner of the galaxy.
However, things have been quiet lately. So for some months the Jedi had once again split up to do more interesting things. Things went on as such until a distress call was sent to all Jedi from Squishy one fateful day...
Squishy: (On vid screen) Guys! Hurry! Get over to Jawa Home right away! It's an emergency! (Turns off)
So our heroes race to Jawa Home, unaware of what was troubling their dear friend...
(Show outside of Jawa Home. Several ships race to a hanger. Inside we see all the Jedi hurrying through)
Will: Oh man I wonder what this could be!
Anna: I have a feeling there's some nude Fanboy settlement we may have missed.
Jo: Or maybe it's one of those surprise parties of his he makes a big deal about.
Cope: Well if that's it, I'll slap him cause I'm tired of him using the emergency frequency for his stupid games.
(They continue on until they find a very nervous Squishy walking around)
Squishy: Oh great! You guys came!
Sara: What's going on, Squishy?
(A droid appears and goes to Squishy)
Droid: Sir, we've managed to stabilize your wife's condition. (Goes away)
Sara: Sylvia? What's happened? Is she sick!?
Anna: Is it the Kryptos virus? Michael A. Stackpole should never have been allowed to make that without Lucas' permission!
Squishy: No no no, it's not that. Sylvia's just been in labor for some time.
All: She's been WHAT!?
Squishy: Oh, right, I forgot to tell you. Well, you see, for the past few months Sylvia... she's been... PREGGERS! (They all stand looking shocked, then Cope starts vomiting violently) Yeah, I know! It's a complete miracle! I didn't think it was possible but it happened! I'm going to be a daddy!
Jo: (Pale) Uhhh... way to go, Squishy... Ah screw it! (Starts throwing up alongside Cope)
Squishy: Steezy's already been told, restrained and is watching everything from my office, and now you're here as well! Oh joy is me!
Anna: O... o... okay... So... when is it going to be over..?
Squishy: I don't know. It's been some hours now.
(Droid rushes back in)
Droid: Master Squishy! The birthing process is complete! Your wife is resting in the infirmary right now.
Squishy: WAHOOOO! It is done! Come on everybody, let's go see my child!
Cope: Oh, fine... Droid, (Cough) bring some sick bags. I don't think I could bear these "offspring".
Droid: Why of course, sir. And I'll bring a mop as well.
(Turn to the infirmary where Squishy busts through the door)
Squishy: Sylvia? Sylvia, dear? (Sees her in a bed. Rushes and leaps up to hug her as the other Jedi arrive) Oh it's such a relief to see you okay!
Sylvia: (Pats him) Yes, honey, I'm all right. I'm just tired.
Squishy: (With tears in eyes) Tell me: where are they?
Sylvia: Over there. (Points to a table nearby. Squishy walks over there with the others, Jo and Cope covering their eyes as they inched over)
Jo: Ohh... I don't like what I'm gonna see... (They open their hands) Huh?
(On the table are three brown spotted ostrich-sized eggs)
Squishy: (Tears flowing) They're the most beautiful things I've ever seen... (Starts sobbing joyfully)
Will: Well it makes more sense. Sylvia is a reptile, after all.
Anna: (Nudging Cope) Come on, Alex, they aren't bad.
(They get a closer look. One of them hops, causing Cope and Jo to fly back five feet and onto the floor shaking and pointing)
Both: THAT ONE MOVED!
Squishy: (Composing self) Of course they did! That just shows how much life they have! And I just know they will be such great Force users. (The others start hopping) And to think, we have three of them? It's such a blessing that only the Force can bestow upon us! I'm just so happy! (Sobs some more)
Sara: So, they'll be hatching soon?
Squishy: Of course! Though not soon, I think. Don't know how long it'll take for them to develop like that. But just think of what they will look like! (Claps hands giddily, while Cope and Jo shudder violently) I'm just so proud! Tell you what, Sylvia: as soon as you're well-rested, we'll throw a big baby shower!
Sylvia: That sounds good to me.
Squishy: Excellent! Now Sara, write up the invitations! Will, follow Sara! Anna, help make a cake since your wedding one was so scrumptious! And you two, take some ginger pills. I'll go tell Steezy the good news. (Walks out, then stops) Oops! Forgot my protection. (Reaches over and grabs a metal SWAT suit, then leaves)
Cope: This has been a messy day... (Vomits, as the droid from before offers him a capsule)
Droid: Ginger pill?
(Move on to the baby shower taking place. All the wedding guests are there with baby clothes and gifts. The shower goes smoothly enough, except for moments of vomiting and the occasional violent outburst from Steezy. Soon everyone leaves and we're treated to a montage of Squishy and Sylvia getting the place ready for the hatching. Even Steezy helps out, acting as his cool usual self. After the montage, onboard Jawa Home,)
Squishy: Woo! I haven't been in a montage that long in a long time.
Sylvia: It felt a little weird, though.
Steezy: Well, I've been in plenty with this guy over the years.
Squishy: And it's nice to hear positive feedback from you, Steezy.
Steezy: What can I say? I can't stay mad at someone who makes me an uncle.
Squishy: Right! Well, we should hit the hay. Tomorrow is the Naming Congress, and we need to be fresh and focused.
Sylvia: Agreed. Good night, Steezy.
Steezy: Good night, you two. And say good night to the kids for me.
Both: We will.
(Turn to some time later, when all of Jawa Home has turned in for the night. We switch over to an area in front of a security door. A huge shadow appears before it. Close up to the keypad where a large hand reaches over)
?: Let's see... (Starts pushing buttons) Six, seven-five, (Grumbles) oh-nine. (Error sound) What!? Alright, two-six-seven. (Grumble grumble. Error) Grrr... (Punches in more numbers. Another error, followed by a fist slam) Stupid machine! (Pushes in buttons more angrily. Error) Screw this crap!
(There's a roar, and we see the door get blown away by a huge fireball. Then the figure stomps through some halls. Soon it reaches a room and sneaks in. Then it walks over to a bed where the eggs rest, and raises its arms. Meanwhile, in an adjoining room, the couple sleeps soundly until,)
Squishy: (Rises quickly) Seared nipples!
Sylvia: (Groggily) Ugh... what is it, honey?
Squishy: Oh, I thought I heard something. Maybe I'll go check on the kids.
Sylvia: Alright then. (Rests some more)
(We then see Squishy's silhouette go down a hall. It stops a door)
Squishy: Huh... what's with that char smell? (Goes into the room) Hey kids. Just came by to- (Stands there paralyzed with eyes widened. He then runs back yelling, turning on the lights until he gets back into the bedroom) Sylvia! Wake up!
Sylvia: What? What's the matter, Squishy?
Squishy: It's the kids! THEY'RE GONE!
(As they're screaming, we see a small craft leave and putter away from the station. Shortly after, another ship comes in. In the hanger, we see the other Jedi exit the craft)
Sara: Ooh wow! A Baby Naming Conference, I'm so excited! Though I wonder if it's okay to come here unannounced at this hour...
Jo: It'll be alright. He's done this sort of thing to us all the time. It's time we paid him back.
Anna: Yeah! Let's spook him!
(They reach a door. When they're about to open it, it slams open with Sylvia and Squishy speeding out, causing the Jedi to spin wildly. We see the two scamper over to the shuttle)
Will: (Steadying self) Hey, what's going on here- (Steezy rushes through, causing them to spin again)
Steezy: No sniveling b****rd is going to get away with this! I'll rip out his gizzards with my claws and eat them in front of his face!
Squishy: Steezy, you can't come.
Steezy: What? Why!? They're my nephews-slash-nieces!
Sylvia: They were in the room next to us! We're supposed to be feeling the most vengeful and pissed off! Besides, no one likes a dead uncle.
Steezy: And people like a dead parent even less! Besides, I'm the one in charge of security, and I can handle myself!
Cope: What the heck are you arguing about?
Squishy: You can stay here to explain things. Right now we have to go!
Sylvia: Just take care of things around here, okay?
Squishy: Got your lightsaber, baby?
Sylvia: Yeah, let's roll!
(They get onto the shuttle. The others stand there as the ship lifts up and zips out of the hanger)
Steezy: Alright. But you better come back in one piece, sis!
Anna: Umm... Steezy? Exactly what's going on?
Steezy: (Noticing them) Oh! Hey dudes! Didn't see ya there. Sorry about the running around and stuff.
Sara: What happened, Steezy?
Steezy: Right, well... you guys won't like this, but...
(Show outside of Jawa Home, then)
(Meanwhile, on the shuttle, the couple zoom off further into the deep recesses of space. Squishy pulls out a read-out)
Squishy: According to surveillance footage, an unknown craft left the station some minutes ago and headed for the edge of the galaxy. No signs of a hyper jump were shown.
Sylvia: Meaning that monster could still be in real space!
Squishy: Right, so step on the gas, honey! This kidnapping will be over barely before it's started, and boy how that punk will squirm before us!
(They speed on until)
Sylvia: Hey, what's that?
(There is a huge circle of light in the starry void)
Squishy: Hmm... looks like a wormhole. But could our culprit have gone through it?
Sylvia: I don't know, nor do I recall any wormholes in this region. Also, who's that right next to the wormhole?
(Show some guy sitting on a stool right before the wormhole)
Squishy: Who the freak?
(They park the shuttle next to the person. It's the Contractor, wearing suspenders and a trench coat while holding a cigarette)
Squishy: (Through speakers) What the freak are you doing out there, you nut job!
Cont.: Come on out! I made the area breathable! (Waves them over)
(Reluctantly, the couple get up and leave the shuttle and, finding solid ground amidst the void, walk over to the Contractor)
Squishy: Alright, what are you doing here?
Cont: What? Can't the Maker of All Creation just sit around, reflecting on life and enjoying a candy cigarette while in front of a wormhole in the middle of space? It's very relaxing, you should really try it.
Sylvia: Well how bout this: did you see anyone suspicious come by here?
Cont.: Yeah. Some oddball just came through and went into this wormhole. Darnedest thing I saw, especially since he had some eggs with him.
Squishy: And, would it so happen that you opened this wormhole, and that whoever just went in originally came out from it?
Cont.: Hmm... maybe.
Sylvia: You a**hole, how could you!? Who was it, then? (Grabs him roughly) Tell me!
Cont.: Oh, please. (Rolls eyes) Just because you whupped me with a love song doesn't mean you can take on my true powers. Besides, no matter what you do, I won't tell who it was. I'm omnipotent, after all, so kill me all you like, but it won't do you any good. (Gets shoved aside) As to the why, it's obviously to liven things up around here again. And also for the two of you embarrassing me in front of a live stadium audience. Kinda ruins my image when I'm blown away like some doddering tool.
Squishy: Ah just great! Somebody from another dimension took our kids and is now back to wherever they came from! Can we go in after them, at least?
Cont.: Sure, it's a free galaxy. But only on two conditions. First, no ships can go through. Gotta go strictly on foot. Secondly, no weapons allowed. Including your lightsabers.
Squishy: Huh? Why?
Cont: To make things more challenging! An unknown realm, forced to rely on your wits and what's around you. It'll make the payoff all the more worthwhile.
Sylvia: You've got to be kidding me.
Cont.: Fine. If it's too much trouble, I can simply shut this wormhole and your precious eggs will be lost forever. Otherwise, hand 'em over. (Grudgingly they hand over their sabers) Good worms. Now, step forth into the unknown, if you dare! Ooooooooooohh! (Makes stupid hand gestures)
Squishy: Shut up! (The two stand before the wormhole, as Squishy looks to his beloved) You really want to do this?
Sylvia: We've got no choice. We're gonna have to face this Brave New World whether we like it or not. For our children...
Cont.: How appropriately cliché.
(They ignore him and walk into the hole. When they disappear, the hole starts to shrink. But not too far away, a small shuttle speeds toward the hole. Onboard)
Jo: I can't believe those jerks left without us!
Cope: And I can't believe they took our ship, leaving this three person, cramped-as-h**l shuttle!
Will: Let's just save the complaints once we find them, alright?
Sara: I just can't believe their eggs were stolen. Who would do such a thing?
Anna: Well hopefully we're about to find out: I've just picked up the shuttle. (After a while) Huh... this can't be right. There's no response.
Sara: Hey! Look at that! (They see the hole)
Jo: Where did that come from?
Cope: I don't know, but the laws of predictability tell me they went in there.
Will: Right. Brace for maximum mediocrity!
(They charge in. However, the hole shuts and the ship flies by. The Jedi look back)
Will: Ah man, and just when I made my serious stance!
Jo: (Turns around) AHH! Inconveniently-Placed Space Mine Field!
(They all look around and scream as they go speeding into a huge minefield)
Jo: NOOOOOOO! I'm too young and sexyyyyyy!
(They disappear. Off to the side watching all this, the Contractor chuckles)
Cont.: Heh heh heh heh... So, it begins...
(Turn to a white void. All is quiet. A falling Squishy and Sylvia flash in sight for a second, then phase out. Then music plays and a title appears)
Chronicles of the Eggs
(Show a blue sky. There is a quick boom noise, and yelling downwards is the couple. They both crash in some bushes with a thud)
Squishy: (Rubbing head) Man, what a trip!
Sylvia: Ugh... you know where we are?
Squishy: No... but I better get a clear view. (Gets up and walks out into the open) Whoa...
(Before him, a wide sweeping view is made of a grand, pre-rendered, low-res, 2-D pixelated landscape. It is filled with blue mountains, slanted brown-and-green slopes, pipes and pits. Squishy and Sylvia are also rendered in 16-bit glory)
Sylvia: Found something?
Squishy: Well... I don't know if I want to believe it just yet, but it seems we're in a Super Nintendo.
Sylvia: A what?
Squishy: Hold on... (Notices a speaker box hanging in the air. He goes over to it and looks at it curiously) This just may be the proof. (Jumps and bops the box. A text screen appears)
Voice: Hello and welcome to Super Mario World! Yoshi's eggs have been stolen by Bowser! Hurry to the castle!
Squishy: Ah snap! We're in Super Mario World! I just can't believe it: We're in an actual video game! And look, you're all pixelated!
Sylvia: Well so are you.
Squishy: DUDE! This is EXCELLENT! (Plays an imaginary guitar)
Sylvia: Uh-huh. So, what does all this mean?
Squishy: Right. It means that whoever took our eggs came from this gaming reality. Meaning the culprit, (zoom in) is retro!
Sylvia: Then what do we do?
Squishy: Well, based off past gaming instincts, we should continue moving right until we reach our answer.
Sylvia: But what if it's to the left?
Squishy: No, the goal is always to the right in this game. Unless it's some kooky romhack, but I sincerely doubt we're in one.
Sylvia: Then let's get to hoofing it.
Squishy: Right-o, dear. (They start moving right. After some minutes) Wait, I just remembered something.
Squishy: In this world, the heroes would normally ride atop dinosaurs as transportation.
Sylvia: So? (Squishy hops onto her back) Hey!
Squishy: Sorry! It's just common practice here, and a good way to travel. Besides, you like it when I'm on your back.
Sylvia: Yeah, but not out in the open!
Squishy: We can't let modesty slow us down! Every second we waste puts our children in more possible danger. Now onward!
(With a sigh Sylvia moves on. Super Mario World music plays as the two move to the right over hills, down slopes, atop pipes and through ditches. Eventually)
Squishy: Hold. Look over there.
(They stop to see some goombas and koopas just hanging around)
Squishy: That's the common resistance. Let's approach slowly.
(They creep over)
Koopa: Say, is that a Yoshi over there?
Goomba: Doesn't really look like one...
(The two stop close to the creatures)
Squishy: Okay, now this may be a dumb question, but do you know how a Yoshi attacks?
Sylvia: Yes. From the many awkward references during our bedroom sessions.
Squishy: Right. Well now you'll have to do it in real life. At least, you should be able to.
Sylvia: You mean...?
Squishy: Yes yes, extremely weird I know. But the goombas are walking mushrooms, so just look at it that way.
Sylvia: Ohhhh, well, I just so happen to like mushrooms. (Bares teeth)
(Growling noises are heard as we see the eyes of the koopas and goombas widen greatly)
(Sylvia snags its head in her teeth as the view shifts to the right and all we hear are blood-curdling yells and gnashing teeth and tearing flesh. Some body parts are thrown from the left. At one point, a goomba covered in blood is tossed into view)
Goomba: No! Please, I did Nothing! YAAHHHH!
(Gets pulled back to the left. When all goes quiet, we turn to see Sylvia wiping her face with a napkin as Squishy stares at her wide-eyed)
Squishy: Wow... that was something. A lot more brutal than I thought it'd be.
Sylvia: I didn't think I had it in me. Guess I shouldn't have skipped breakfast.
Squishy: Yeah... Anyway, let's move on.
(They move on to the right. Soon they meet a larger group of various enemies just standing there with saucer-sized eyes. A Chargin' Chuck wets himself, right before the mass carnage continues. We then switch to the Overworld map where wee see an icon of Sylvia move from one point to another, leaving a red trail behind while more screams are being heard. Soon the icon reaches the fort in the upper-right corner of the island. We then switch to them standing before the large fort with Sylvia picking her teeth)
Squishy: Well, here we are: Iggy's Castle. Now let's go in and look around.
(They go in. Before them lies the dank, stone-walled and spacious halls of a Super-Nintendoish dungeon. The two move forward cautiously)
Sylvia: Shouldn't there be some more of those things lurking around?
Squishy: Yeah, there should be. Just look out for traps.
(They move on to the right hopping lava pits, climbing fences and dodging many Thwomps. Soon they reach a large red door)
Squishy: Okay. This is the boss chamber. Stay light on your toes.
(He opens the door, then both leap into the room ready for action. They land on a bobbing island in the middle of a large lava pool. However, there is no one in sight)
Squishy: This ain't right...
Sylvia: Could it be one of those traps?
Squishy: No. There most definitely is supposed to be some freaky shelled dude on this island. Also, there have been no enemies whatsoever in this place, save the Thwomps. But they're more obstacle than anything.
Sylvia: Hmm. Maybe we should check that staircase over there.
(Show a staircase leading up)
Squishy: Good thinking, honey.
(They go up. Soon they reach the top of the fort where they get a panoramic view of the world map)
Squishy: No, no baddies or bosses here, either.
Sylvia: Well that should be a good thing, right?
Squishy: Not quite. Only by defeating the boss can we get off the island. Hold on, something's over there.
(Turn to center of whole map where there's a huge rock formation that looks like some reptilian monster with a huge cave for a mouth in the middle of the water)
Sylvia: Eww, what is that?
Squishy: That's the entrance to the underworld, home of the final boss. Normally we have to go through 7 different castles and a sunken ship before it appears, but it showing up this early is weird.
Sylvia: So how do we get there?
Squishy: I don't know... Hold on, lookie here.
(Goes over to a corner and pulls out something)
Sylvia: What is it?
Squishy: (Pulls out feathers) We're in luck! These feathers are some of the best power-ups in the game. They allow you to fly and perform attacks that can take out any enemies of any kind.
Sylvia: So they can give you super powers?
Squishy: Wait, superpowers? Hadn't thought of it that way... (Fantasizes)
Straight from the depths of 16-bit comes a new hero for all the ages. It's not a Smurf; it's not an ant; it is Super Squishy!
(Music plays and an awesome-looking Squishy wearing spandex and a cape appears)
Yes: It is Super Squishy! Faster than a speeding Bullet Bill! More powerful than an enraged wiggler! Able to leap the highest Donut Mountain! And with him is his battle-ready girl: Lizard Gal!
(A sexily-dressed Sylvia appears)
Sylvia: Oh, Super Squishy! Please show me how hard your kryptonite really is!
Squishy: Like I always say: yeah baby, Yeah! (They fly off)
Tune in at 11 for the thrilling conclusion!
Squishy: (Returning to reality) Yeah... Let's do it!
(From the air we see poofs of air on the fort, then music plays as two figures fly upwards. Soon they get close enough to hover and be revealed as the couple, looking the same except for the yellow capes they're donning)
Squishy: ...You know, I figured this would happen. Me and my hopeless expectations...
Sylvia: Riiiight. So, ready to go?
Squishy: Huh? Oh right, sure!
(They fly into the huge cave. Inside they find an expansive cave valley with a huge castle at one end with lightning clouds hanging over it. They fly to the entrance and land, where their capes poof out)
Squishy: Here we are. Home of Bowser: big boss daddy of all the land. Something's definitely gotta be going on here.
(They step in. They are in another immense hallway, shortly after they start walking,)
?: GWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Who dares enter my Fortress O-Doom?
(The two stop before this booming voice. Then from above hovers down a clown copter holding the King of All Koopas himself: Bowser!)
Bowser: So, what's a couple of weirdos like you doing here, in my ever-righteous castle?
Squishy: Oh s**t! It's the actual Bowser! (Squeals like a girl) Oh my god oh my god what do I do what do I do?
Syvlia: (Smacks him) Squishy!
Squishy: Uh-What? Oh, right! Regain composure, and... Yes, hello there Bowser, mighty king of koopas. We bring no quarrel to your awe-inducing abode.
Bowser: Whatever! Usually when someone who doesn't look like me walks in through those doors, it's to come trash the place or rescue a princess, whom I haven't kidnapped this time mind you! Plus, you forgot to appropriately capitalize my title. I worked really hard to get that title, so I demand respect when it comes to capitalization!
Squishy: (To Sylvia) How the freak...? (Back to Bowser) Um, yeah, we didn't come here to cause trouble. We're just looking for somebody suspicious-looking who may have passed by. Possibly carrying some eggs on their person.
Bowser: Oh, and I'm Suspect Numero Uno, is that it? Any time something gets stolen or blown up, you immediately go after the huge turtle with spikes, red hair and arm bands, is that what you're telling me?
Sylvia: No, wait! That's not what we meant!
Boswer: (Slams fist) Bull s**t! I know what you people think, and it really hurts, to be honest. I mean, I try my hardest to stay here at the castle and do absolutely nothing whenever something bad happens. So what do I lose by doing this, you should ask? Six airships, four tanks, hundreds of expensive traps and countless minions, all under mistaken identities and nut-crunching treaties, along with the occasional public humiliation by some fat Italian guy that eats nothing but mushrooms all day long! So now I say screw all this discrimination and criminal profiling! I'm going to set this world on fire, and I'll make you two punks my examples for what happens should anyone oppose me ever again!
Squishy: Oh come on, you can't really be seri-!
Bowser: Silence! The time for excuses is long past! Your beat-down begins now! (Pulls out a remote) And congratulations: You'll be guinea pigs for the new defense system I just had installed. So yippee kai yay, mother f***ers!
(Pushes a button. The screen starts to scroll left and the couple have to walk along following the hovering Bowser. "Bowser's Castle Heavy Mix" starts playing as the mood fills with more tension. Then when the music speeds up, trap doors start opening and closing rapidly all over the floor, forcing the two to scamper all over the place. Next, spikes start poking in from all directions, leading to extreme bending, jumping, and spinning. Then huge ceiling compressors crash down in a certain sequence, demanding quicker thinking. Afterwards)
Bowser: Hm, you're pretty quick. However, that was just round 1!
(Pushes another button. Enemies of all types fall into the area. Squishy & Sylvia then go about hopping and bopping and unleashing 16-bit kung-fu. Soon pipes appear and piranha plants get involved. Next, lava pits appear containing huge lava monsters that manage to eat a few enemies in their attempt to swallow the couple. When the floor becomes whole again)
Bowser: Ohhhh, yes! Now this is entertainment!
(Soon there are entire lines of footballers rushing them, and bob-ombs walking about. Also a wall of Hammer Bros. appear and start throwing their projectiles all over the place, resulting in a shot of Squishy side-stepping one hammer in slo-mo. Eventually the couple concentrate on whupping the Bros.' and taking their hammers, with which they use against the droves of evil. One hammer is let loose and hits Bowser in the face. He gets angry and starts shooting fireballs onto the scene. One fireball hits and ignites a bob-omb's fuse, with which Sylvia throws into the air and Squishy aerial kicks it at the clown copter. After a small explosion, Bowser falls to the ground, but quickly gets up enraged)
Bowser: GWAAAAHHH! My beautiful chopper! That tears it; it ends now, losers!
(They scroll to the left some more, then Bowser slams his fists into the ground, causing a HUGE Bullet Bill garrison to rise up, with Bowser standing behind a console laughing. The two then commence the dodging of many upon many rapid-fire bullet bills. However, they manage to knock some bullets back into the cannons, causing them to clog up and explode. A dazed Bowser falls into the waiting arms of the couple, and then gets pummeled a bit. With a mighty kick from Sylvia, Bowser is sent roaring backwards and slamming into a wall in the far right, then slides down onto a ledge next to a pit of lava. The other two arrive on the other side in time to see a cage with three eggs fall onto the ledge up and behind Bowser)
Sylvia: The kids!
Squishy: Aha! All that talk of wrongful discrimination, but you end up being the egg-stealer all along!
Bowser: (Leaps back up) Yeah okay, fine, I can't help being good at what I do. So what's it to ya?
Sylvia: Why? Why did you come to our galaxy and steal our children!
Bowser: Children!? Hold on, you mean they belong-
Squishy: That's right: we're husband and wife, and those are our babies, pal!
Bowser: What!? Oh man... Knew I should've asked more questions when I got that offer.
Both: What offer?
Bowser: Well, some days ago, an oddball with glasses and a huge forehead came by and offered me this seemingly great deal. So I took him up on it, followed his directions and took those eggs without any trouble. At least, no immediate trouble.
Sylvia: What did he offer you in return for doing that?
Bowser: Oh, here's the kicker: he said I could keep them, which is what I'm totally gonna do!
Bowser: So I can have a new batch of kids to raise. Kids who would get my awesome parenting from the start and grow up to make me proud. Unlike the lot I have now.
(Banging noises are heard nearby)
Wendy: Daddy, let us out! We've been in this cellar for days now!
Iggy: I need my medication!
Ludwig: I need my hair product!
Morton: I'm so freakishly BALD!
Bowser: SHUT UP! DADDY'S BUSY! (Back to others) You see? Nothing but disappointment on a daily basis. But that guy-Contract something or other-told me about some eggs that contained lizards who would become all powerful. So I immediately took the opportunity to take these eggs and raise them under the law of nastiness. And despite the... (Looks the couple up and down) screwy heritage, I refuse to give up what I so rightfully stole!
Squishy: Lookie here, turtle bro! I know your kids are embarrassments, but there is no way I'm letting mine be as evil and moronic as you!
Sylvia: Yeah! So hand 'em over, or else you will face the unadulterated wrath of an angry mother! (Bears claws) One who can disembowel you in a blink!
Bowser: Bah! A poo on your insults and a poo on your threats. If you want your eggs back, you have to face me head on! (Puts on mean-looking shades) So bring it, midget!
Squishy: Ohh, man! You're in for such a world of hurt now, buddy!
(They stand off for a bit, then they leap at each other in Matrix-vision. They float around over the lava, going all kung-fu and fisticuffs. But after a while)
Sylvia: Hold on, how is he able to fly?
Squishy: Rule of Cool, sweetie. Rule of Cool.
(This interesting display goes on until the couple dodge one of Bowser's fireballs, which blows the top off the egg cage. Then to a change of music, the eggs rise slowly in a triangle formation. The two sides look on with stunned looks)
Bowser: What the?
(The eggs float over to Bowser, who grins smugly)
Bowser: Hey look: Dispute settled! No need for fighting over custody any-
(Gets smacked in face by an egg. They all bob around as if cheering. Bowser spits out a fang)
Bowser: Ow! You little b****rds! You thought that was funny, eh? Well here's something you can chortle to: your demise!
Bowser: SHUT UP!
(Bowser and the eggs strafe each other in the air over the lava. Then Bowser strikes, only to miss and get bashed in the back of the head by an egg. Then the eggs go to town on Bowser in one of the most spectacular a**-kickings ever seen in the Mushroom Kingdom. The eggs smack, pummel, punt and beat the living daylights out of the Koopa King. Face hits, gut hits, crotch hits, every type of hit ever named is done to the poor sap of a lizard. Once he's all bloodied and bruised, the eggs slam him into the ceiling. As he starts to fall back down, the eggs drive him more and more into the ceiling with rapid-fire slams. Once he's nice and stuck to the ceiling, the eggs float down to their parents, where they hover and nudge at Sylvia's arms)
Sylvia: What the?
Squishy: Sylvia, they want to do a final strike! Let them guide you!
(She grabs the eggs and leaps into the air. As Bowser starts to peel from the ceiling once more, she grabs an egg and holds it back as an aiming cursor starts moving before her. Once Bowser finally falls, he's hit with one egg and is sent twirling, then is hit with another egg, and with one final hit he's left spinning wildly, falling and roaring into the lava pit. After a while he pops out with arms flailing)
Bowser: Oh God! Someone help me! The lava it burns so dang much! The pain is sooooo real! Why Miyamoto-sama, WHY!? GRAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!
(Sinks into lava. The eggs land on the opposite ledge and both sides cheer)
Sylvia: Alright, we did it! The kids are safe, and awesome to boot!
Squishy: I just knew they'd be Force-gifted, but man that was sure kick-a**! Come on, let's go home.
?: Not so fast, little ones!
(The lights dim and the parents look around in confusion. Then a 16-bit person in a regal coat with silver hair lands by the eggs to grand music)
Setzer: I'll be taking these eggs, thank you very much.
(Grabs eggs and leaps away, to the shock of the couple)
Sylvia: MY BABIES!
Squishy: After that white-haired freak!
(They give chase. They soon run across a closed-in courtyard, where they run after an airship that's taking off)
Sylvia: NO! We're not gonna make it!
Squishy: Don't worry, I've got something useful! (Pulls out an anchor with rope) Something I grabbed back at Iggy's place.
(With a mighty heave he tosses the anchor at the ship. It busts through some boards and holds in place. Back on the ground)
Squishy: Hang on, sweetie!
(The two grab the rope and hang on as they're pulled up off the ground. Soon they're hanging high in the air below the airship as it enters a huge cloud bank. After a long while the clouds clear up)
Sylvia: Squishy! Do you know where we are?
(Squishy looks down, only to be filled with immediate disbelief. Below them is a very flat worldscape with color splotches representing different landscapes and little bumps representing mountains. There's about two continents in total)
Squishy: My God... We're in Final Fantasy VI!
To Be Continued...