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It was just after noon the next day when Cas made an appearance. Dean wasn't fond of asking the angel for help, but he couldn't really think of any other option. Faye sat on the sofa with Bobby, Sam, Dean and Cas standing above her. Dean had told her that Cas was going to reach into her mind and try to access her memories from when she was possessed, and that if it worked out, she would be able to remember everything.
"I'm not sure if I want to remember." She had been nervous about the whole process. She had no clue what had gone on during her time possessed or even how ling she was possessed and the idea of finding out was terrifying.
"I know, but we are right here with you. And no matter what happened during that time, we aren't going to abandon you. Got it?"
She nodded her head and sighed, turning to look at the angel in the trench coat. He was very distant in his manners, but he didn't frighten her the way she knew a demon would have. He sat down on the couch next to her and looked intently into her eyes.
"This may be painful, but I should be able to access your memories. If you do not want this, you must tell me now because once I break the wall an access your memories, I will not be able to stop it."
Faye nodded. "Just do it."
Cas gave her a short nod before placing his hands on both sides of her head. Within seconds he dove into her mind, navigating the mixed emotions and confusion he found there until he hit a wall. This was the point that he had to break. There was no turning back.
Sam, Dean and Bobby looked on with worried faces. This could be a good thing and free her from worry or, more than likely, destroy her. It all depended on how ruthless the demon was that possessed her.
Two minutes went by without a single noise. Both Cas and Faye sat locked in a quiet tension. Suddenly Faye screamed out in pain. Her head ripped away from Cas' hands. Her body began to tremble. Tears poured from her eyes. Whatever was behind the wall in her mind was now flooding over her and from the looks of it; it was going to kill her.
"CAS! What the hell!" Dean yelled at the angel.
"I only did as you both asked. I removed the wall within her mind. She can now see the time that she was possessed."
"But what is it doing to her?" Sam asked.
"It is flooding her mind. I warned you all that this would not end well. I told you that this could destroy her, but you insisted so I did as you asked."
"Well, can you help her somehow?"
Cas looked at Dean's worried face.
"No. I can't replace the wall now. She will have to deal with these memories now."
Dean grunted in frustration. He knew Cas was right.
"Well, can you at least knock her out or something?! I can't handle her screaming."
Cas nodded and turned back to Faye who was still crying, screaming and shaking. He reached out and touched her forehead with two fingers. Instantly she went quiet and limp. Dean stepped forward and caught her before she slid off the cough. He laid her back onto the couch gently before turning to Cas.
Cas nodded once more. "I will warn you, what I saw in her mind was horrific, even for you Dean. She is broken and I'm not sure there is a way to fix her."
Dean looked back down into her face. It was peaceful for the moment, as if nothing had happened, but he knew the truth. Dark demons lay beneath the surface ready to destroy everything in her.
He looked back to Cas who stood stone still. "I must go, but I will be back soon. I will check in when I can." And with the flourish of wings, he was gone, leaving them alone with no idea of what to do or expect when Faye regained consciousness.
They had taken turns sitting with Faye while she was unconscious. They had agreed that she needed to be watched in case she woke up or hurt herself. It was while Bobby was taking his turn with Faye that she finally woke up.
"Mmm." She groaned. She rolled over o find the old man staring down at her.
"How you feelin'?" Bobby asked gruffly.
She didn't answer, but tears began to form in her eyes. Bobby immediately saw this and tried to sooth her, but to no avail. Before he knew it, tears streamed down her face and she began to sob. He tried to hold her hand or sooth her in some way, but she shied away from his touch. Bobby had no clue what to do. So he rushed down stairs to find Sam or Dean.
Sam and Dean were sitting at the kitchen table eating sandwiches when Bobby burst into the room. Immediately their heads whipped around to find the old man's face covered in worry. Dean dropped his sandwich to his plate, forgotten, and took off up the stairs.
He didn't mean to burst into the room and scare Faye but he did. She screamed at his entrance. He approached her slowly, extending his hand out to touch her shoulder, but she screamed and scrambled away from him. Dean was shocked at her reaction. She wasn't screaming a few minutes before when Bobby had been up there with her, so why was she screaming now?
Sam slowly walked into the room to find Faye curled into a ball on the floor, screaming and crying, while Dean tried to reach out to comfort her. He could tell that his brother's efforts were only making things worse. Stepping forward he put a hand on Dean's shoulder to indicate that he would try and calm Faye down. Dean backed away from his place near Faye and watched warily as Sam approached.
It only took a minute for Sam to get Faye to stop screaming. Dean watched as Sam's touch calmed her and slowed her tears. Dean tried to approach again, but when he did, she began to scream and cry again, almost like she was afraid of him. He stepped back away from Sam and Faye and realized that she was scared of him. Somehow she was terrified of him. He had no clue why though.
After a few minutes watching Sam calm Faye down again, Dean decided that he would do no good there, so he left. As he reached the bottom of the stairs, Bobby popped around the corner.
"How is she?" concern laced his voice.
"She…" Dean paused. "Sam had calmed her down some. I'm gonna go for a walk." And with that Dean quickly made his way outside. He needed to clear his head. He didn't understand why Faye had been so scared of him. She had only just met him, how could he have done anything to scare her that badly yet?
Dean wandered through the cars on the lot until he found a seat on the far end and plopped down. Emotions that he had never felt rushed through him: jealousy, guilt, fear, and a brokenness he had never experienced before. He guessed that he had hoped that he would be the one to comfort Faye and to take her fears away, but instead he was the one causing her to scream and shake. And to see her huddled in Sam's arms was a sharp pain that hit him deeper than he could have imagined.
He sighed and leaned his head back to look up at the sky overhead. It had grown late and stars had begun to appear. He heard the crunch of the gravel under someone's feet as they approached. He already knew who it was.
Sam sat down next to Dean without a word. For a little while the brothers stared up at the sky simply taking in their light. They didn't often get to sit like this and Sam wanted to enjoy it for as long as possible before talking to Dean about Faye, but Dean was too anxious to let the subject rest for long.
"How is she?"
Sam turned his head to look at his brother's profile. Dean still looked up at the stars. "Better than she was initially. It took a good hour for her to stop crying and shaking." Dean nodded his head in understanding and in sign for Sam to continue. "I managed to get her to talk about what was scaring her so badly." He sighed heavily. "She said… she said that you scared her. She wouldn't say why or how, but that you did."
For a moment no one moved. Dean let Sam's word sink in. He already knew he scared her, but he wanted to know why. Why was she so scared of him?
"Well, I guess I'll sleep in the garage tonight, give her space to calm down and try not to scare her." With those words, Dean stood and headed towards the garage.
Faye felt a wave of guilt wash over her when Sam told her that Dean was going to stay in the garage for the night. She didn't mean to kick him out of the house, to make him feel like he wasn't welcome around her. She hated at how she had reacted to him, but she couldn't help it. He had scared her down to her core. But it wasn't really his face. It was just what she was remembering, a shadow of a memory, of a man.
She sighed heavily. She had to get this sorted out. Standing up she padded out of her room and down the stairs. As she approached the door she saw Dean sitting on the hood of the Impala. Looking at him from a distance, he didn't seem so scary. He seems calm and peaceful and like a place of comfort.
As she pushed the door open it creaked and Dean's head whipped around to look at her. She could tell that he was shocked to see her. She approached him slowly, keeping her eyes locked on his. She could feel the fear creeping back in as she got closer to him, but she had decided that she was going to talk to him no matter how she felt. Stopping a few feet away she shuffled her feet gathering her courage.
"I'm sorry about earlier."
"No," Dean cut her off. "Don't be sorry. You were scared and it is okay. I don't know why I scare you, but I'll keep my distance until you can work through it."
Faye looked at the man in front of her. This is not the man she should be scared of. The man she was scared of is long gone.
"Well, still. I know it was hard on you too. But… I wanted to tell you that I'm better now."
Dean chuckled. "I don't know about that, but I appreciate your effort and courage." Dean was able to see her hands shaking.
"Well… I am still a little shaken and don't know really how to handle anything that I have experienced, but… I'm not gonna go running and screaming from you."
Dean gave her a small smile that eased her. This was definitely not the man that had scared her before.
"But I didn't come out here just to tell you I'm sorry and that you don't have to sleep in the garage. But, I figured I owed you an explanation." Dean cocked his head sideways in question. "You see, when my memories came back to me, some of them were good and some were not. And I have one particular memory that was stronger than the others, one that overwhelmed me." She paused gathering her thoughts before continuing. "About a year and a half ago I had made a deal with a demon to save my brother's life. He was dying of cancer and I couldn't stand by and do nothing. So I found a demon who said that he could help me. His initial deal was that he could save my brother and give me ten years to live, but I had questions and wanted time to think it over. While I was thinking it over though, my brother got worse. I realized what I had to do. So I went back to the demon and told him that I would accept the deal. But he said that the terms had changed and that I would only get a year. At first I was outraged, but I realized that I would take a year with my brother than only a few more days, so I made the deal. And a year later, I was dragged to hell. I was put on this rack and tortured. Every day I was tortured. I was there for 20 years. For the first 10 years I remember hearing the person on the rack next to me scream in pain and telling the demon hurting him to fuck off." She chuckled for a moment before sobering. "It was his strength that kept me going, that kept me fighting. But then, one day he got off the rack and a blade was placed in his hand." Dean's face had gone completely white and fear began to pound through his veins. "Then the guy who once gave me strength, took the knife in his hand and turned to me and sliced me to ribbons. For 10 years he could cut my and burn me and torture me every way possible. And every day I looked into his eyes and watched as they slowly grew darker until they were almost black. And then, on my last day in hell, I remember looking into his eyes when a bright light began to wash away the black and they became green again. And then I woke up in my grave." Faye paused for a few minutes before finishing her story. "It was about a week later that I was possessed by that demon."
Dean stared at the woman before him. He now realized why she fascinated him, why she felt so familiar to him. Every day for a solid decade, he had tortured her. He had watched her bleed, and scream and cry and loved it. Suddenly Dean felt like he would throw up. No wonder she had screamed at the sight of him. It was a miracle she was able to look at him and talk to him now.
Faye could see the thoughts running across his face: the pain, the guilt, the same, the confusion. She had to stop him from thinking too much. She had to get him to focus on what was important.
"Dean," she reached out and placed her hand on his shoulder, but he was still lost in his thoughts. "Dean!" she said again with force, turning his face to look at her. "Dean, it is okay. It wasn't your fault. I have no clue how long you had been there, but you fought them tooth and nail. And that wasn't you down there. They changed you, but I can see that you aren't like that. Dean please know that you are not who you were there."
A single tear rolled down his face. How could she even stand to be next to him, let alone tell him that he wasn't to blame?
As if reading his thoughts, she spoke up, "I made my own choices Dean and ended up in hell. That wasn't your fault. I was just as much to blame for being on that rack as those demons or you for tearing into me. But Dean…" she leaned in and put her forehead against his, "I need you to know something. And no matter what happens in the future, you have to know that I forgive you. You are not guilty in my eyes."
She pulled back a little and kissed his forehead lightly. Then standing up straight, she squeezed his hand. "Come into the house when you are ready to go to bed. You don't need to be in the garage tonight." And with those words she turned and left Dean to his thoughts.
Dean sat for a few hours before entering the house. What Faye had told him was too much to handle. He had tortured her in hell, for a damn decade, yet she forgave him and comforted him. He still felt extremely guilty for what he had done to her, but he couldn't go back. So he decided that he would give her time and space and maybe one day, he could truly earn her forgiveness, although he knew there was no way to earn forgiveness for what he had done.
Sighing as he laid down on the floor next to the sofa where Sam slept, he thought back to how Cas had brought him out of hell. He didn't really have a memory of what had happened, but he did remember the light, and he remembered Faye.