2,439This is a bad idea...
A bad idea...
He shut his eyes.
...a very, very bad idea…
The words echoed through Harry's mind on an endless loop, growing louder and more chaotic as he opened his eyes again. It was as though everything in him was at war with itself. His thoughts, his feelings, even his limbs as he willed himself to move forward yet remained frozen to the spot.
How could he possibly do this?
Harry swallowed hard and shook his head.
The idea had come to him during the week, ridiculous and fleeting. He'd promised himself that he would tell James about Abby the morning after their first date. But then James had woken up in a bad mood, the knowledge of the impending school year like a grey cloud looming over him. And this was the only thing Harry could think of to turn it around.
He wanted to take James flying. And though he'd second-guessed the idea about a million times over the last week, he still found himself standing here, staring at the broomshed at the edge of the garden.
If Harry's fears weren't enough to make him turn back into the house, then surely his shame should have done. He wasn't going to pretend this had nothing to do with Abby. Harry was planning on telling James about their relationship in just a few hours, and he needed it to go well. Needed something to lift James' spirits.
Did that make him a horrible father?
Yes, his mind answered at once.
Harry let out a frustrated noise and turned back towards the house, his fingers wrapping around the door handle but refusing to slide it open.
He'll be safe. You'll be in control. You can't avoid this forever.
Harry pressed his forehead to the glass and closed his eyes."Get over it,"he said under his breath."Just get the fuck over it."
He loosened his grip and let his arm fall to his side before turning back around, trying not to think as he moved his feet towards the shed and pulled his wand out, pointed it at the old, rusted padlock and watched it open with a loud and decisive click.
A swirl of dust emitted forth when Harry pulled back the old wooden door, and for the first time in nearly four years, he took in the sight of his Firebolt.
With a soft exhale, he reached for the handle and picked up the broom with both hands, his thumb brushing slowly over the wood, nostrils filling with the familiar scent of polish.
It hit him then, the rush of memories. Long hours of practice at Hogwarts, pick-up games at the Burrow, evening flights with Ginny. Hundreds of separate strings of memories jumbling together like a knot that felt warm and heavy in his gut.
It had been a while since he felt this strong of a yearning to transport himself back in time. But in that moment, he ached for it.
Perhaps it was nostalgia, or maybe recklessness, but Harry made his final decision then. He shrunk the broom with a tap of his wand, stuffed it into his pocket, and then headed back inside.
"Am I in trouble?" James said as they sat down across from each other on the couch.
They'd just dropped Al and Lily off at the Burrow when Harry asked James to stay behind at the last second so as not to raise any questions.
"Er...no. I thought we could spend some time alone today, actually," Harry said, leaning forward against his knees. "School's starting in a couple of days. And...well, I sort of have a surprise for you."
The expression on James's face shifted at once. "Are you serious?" he said, eyebrows raised. "What for?"
If Harry wasn't feeling so tense, he might've laughed. "Good question," he said, staring at his clasped hands in front of him. "It's, erm...about a promise I made you not too long ago…"
James straightened up at that, eyes fixed on him.
"I've had some time to think on it…" Harry said, nodding slowly. "And well…"
"Dad..." James said, leaning forward.
"Would you like me to teach you how to fly today?"
The words were barely out of his mouth before James sprung up to a standing position. "You're serious?" he said, his voice going higher. "On your broom?"
Harry gave him a small smile and nodded.
"This is the best surprise ever, Dad!" James practically shouted before launching himself into Harry's arms like a missile. "Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
Harry laughed as he caught him, trying to keep the boy steady as he jumped up and down in excitement. "You're welcome," he said, patting him on the back and saying a silent prayer to whoever would listen that he was making the right choice.
"When are we going? Where are we going?" James said, disentangling himself from Harry and edging towards the fireplace.
"The orchard behind the Burrow," Harry said, gesturing for him to come back. "I already told Nana and Grandad. No one will be out there but us."
A large smile came over James' face at that. "I'm going to be the first to learn out of everyone," he said, doing a little dance. "Before Freddie and Dom, even!"
Harry gave him an admonishing look. "Don't do that, you know I hate it," he said, shrugging off the arm James wrapped around him. "If you act like a brat, it'll be the last time I take you."
James threw his head back with a groan. "Oh, come on, Dad, I was only joking," he said, shaking Harry's shoulder.
"No, I don't care," Harry said, levelling him with a firm look. "I'm not just teaching you for the fun of it, James. I told you this would be difficult for me, and it is. But I need to do it, and I need you to take it seriously."
James let out a loud sigh and dropped down on the table behind him. For a second it looked as if he wanted to say something, but then he glanced away.
"What?" Harry said.
He shook his head. "Nothing."
"James."
The boy rolled his eyes. "Nothing...just…" he said. "Why do you need to? I mean...I want you to, obviously, but..."
Harry cleared his throat and nodded. "No, that's a...it's a good question," he said, casting his gaze down to the floor. "And there are a few different answers to it, I suppose."
James waited for him to continue, but Harry wished that he wouldn't. His thoughts were too much of a jumbled mess to sort through right now.
The idea of flying had started as a way to get James in a good mood, but Harry was so far past that at this point, he'd nearly forgotten he was even supposed to tell him about Abby later. No...there was more to it than that. There always had been.
The need to confront this fear had been brewing inside him for months, maybe years, resting like a dull weight on his subconscious. The need to face it, to conquer it.
To move on...
Harry exhaled a small breath and shook his head. God, how he hated those words. Move on. He couldn't move on, he could only go on. Day after day, carrying his mountain of shit with him and trying not to let it slow him down.
Maybe his grief would stay with him forever. But this? This fear of flying? It was a weight he couldn't stand to carry one second longer.
Harry glanced back up at James who was looking at him with a small frown on his face, waiting for a response. "I just need to do it," he repeated with a shrug. "I just need to know that I can."
It wasn't a very good answer. But it was all Harry could be sure of in that moment
"Right, you'll have to put this on."
Harry took out the red helmet he'd nicked from Arthur's things and placed it on James' head, adjusting the size with his wand and tightening the strap as far as it could go without suffocating him.
"Dad," James said, shoving his hands away.
"And these." Harry knelt down to strap the knee pads on.
And then the elbows pads.
"Are you mad?" James said, raising his eyebrows. "I'm not wearing all this! I look like an idiot!"
"You'll wear it, or you won't get to fly," Harry said as he stood back up. "It's your choice."
James let out a frustrated whine as he tried shoving the helmet back over his eyes. "I can't even see under this!" he said. "How am I supposed to fly if I'm blind?"
"Oh, you won't be doing any flying on your own today," Harry said through a chuckle. "I'll be on the broom with you the entire time aside from practising lift offs. If we even get that far."
At this, James threw his hands up in the air. "You've got to be kidding me!"
Harry shrugged. "Complain all you want, I'm not changing my mind," he said as he picked up his Firebolt. "Either follow my rules or go back inside."
James scowled but remained silent.
"First rule is to smile—"
"Dad!"
Harry grinned and patted his cheek before placing his Firebolt on the grass. "Right," he said. "First thing we'll practice is how to summon your broom."
The scowl on James' face immediately vanished at that. He looked up at Harry with interest and nodded.
"Stand on the left side, put your right hand over it, and say 'up'," Harry said, demonstrating for him. "You've got to say it with a bit of feeling. Like you really want the broom to come to you. Brooms are like wands, just a way for your magic to travel from inside of you to outside of you. Does that make sense?"
"Sure?" James said, his tone suggesting otherwise. "Why does it even matter?"
Harry sighed. "It matters a lot, trust me," he said, setting the broom down again. "Your broom will become like another part of you, James. In tune with all your thoughts and all your emotions. And as a beginner, you'll need to be calm and focused. It can sense everything you put into it."
James stared at him with a blank look, and Harry suddenly found himself feeling very sorry for all his past professors.
"Right," he said with a clap of his hands. "Let's just give it a go, shall we?"
He repeated the instructions once more. And it didn't come as much of a surprise when the broom shot straight into James' waiting hand before the word even fully left his mouth.
"I did it, Dad!" James said, snapping his head up with a grin.
Harry gave him a warm smile. "I know, I saw you," he said with an encouraging nod. "On the first try, too. Well done."
They continued on with the lesson after that, going through the various skills of broom handling that Harry had been taught his first year at Hogwarts. How to properly mount the broomstick, how to grip and position himself, how to lift off, and land with good control.
A part of him had held onto the slim hope that James might take horribly to flying, but it was clear as day that he was a natural. Harry never needed to repeat his instructions, never needed to correct him. It was like walking, breathing. The same way it had always been for both Harry and Ginny. He was foolish to think James would be any different.
And though this realisation caused a growing sense of unease in Harry, the look of joy on James' face every time he mastered a new step was enough to dampen it for now.
"Did you see that last one though? I landed so smoothly, you couldn't even hear a sound," James said, face flushed red with excitement as he fell down next to Harry on the ground.
"Ten out of ten, mate," Harry said with a wink.
James beamed before clicking off his helmet and tossing it away from him along with his elbow and knee pads. His hair was a sweaty dark mess that clung to his forehead, and Harry immediately pushed him off as he tried to hug him from behind
"Oi! Get off me," Harry said with a laugh, catching him by the stomach and tossing him back to the ground. "Hands off until I hose you down."
Harry pointed his wand at him, and James let out a peal of laughter as a spray of water shot right into his face. "Dad!" he shrieked, trying to shove his arm away.
He took the upper hand when Harry put his wand down, pummelling straight into him and wrestling him to the ground while shaking his wet hair out at him like a dog.
"All right, all right!" Harry said, trying to catch his breath through his laughter. "I surrender, I'm sorry!"
James grinned widely before hopping right up and pulling Harry with him.
"Let's get us dried off, you're soaked," Harry said.
With a quick, but effective hot-air charm, they were both as good as new. Or at least, as good as they could get for now. James desperately needed a shower, and Harry told him as much. But in the back of his mind, he knew he still had a conversation he needed to get over with. And the longer he waited, the more he was going to dread it.
"Hey," Harry said, bumping his elbow against James'. "Can I talk to you about something for a sec?"
James gave him a suspicious look. "Okay…" he said slowly. "What?"
Harry cleared his throat and stared down at the ground for a moment. "Just, er…" he said, feeling quite nervous despite himself. "I wanted to share something with you...before I tell your brother and sister about it."
This seemed to perk James up a bit, as Harry knew it would.
"It's about Abby."
And...that had the opposite effect.
As Harry knew it would.
"Okay…" James said again. "What about her?"
Rather than come right out with it, Harry decided to beat around the bush a bit. "Er...how do you feel about her?" he said, sounding awkward even to his own ears. "I mean...do you like her?"
James stared at him blankly. "Dunno," he mumbled.
Harry licked his lips and tried again. "Well, do you hate her?"
"Dunno," he said, barely enunciating the word now.
He let out a long sigh at that. "Come on, James. You can't seriously hate her?" he said. "She's only ever been nice to you, hasn't she?"
James threw his hands out. "I don't know!" he said, starting to look annoyed now. "Why do you keep asking me stuff?"
"Because, I—" Harry said before cutting off with another sigh. He pressed his fingers to his eyes and shook his head. "I want you to like her."
His words were met with silence, and Harry glanced up to see James staring at him with his eyebrows furrowed.
"I've...I've asked her to be my girlfriend, James."
A look of hurt passed over the boy's face at that, and Harry wished for a split second that he could take the words back.
"Why?" James said.
"I know it's...confusing—"
"Why would you do that?" James said, louder.
"Please just...let me speak first," Harry said.
"You said you wouldn't do that!"
"I never—"
"Yes, you did! You did!" James said, pushing Harry hard in the chest. "You said it!"
Harry caught James' hand in his own and held it tight, waiting for the boy to even out his breathing.
"You're upset. I know that," he said, keeping his voice calm. "I know this isn't what you wanted. But I'm asking you to listen to me, James. Just five minutes. Please."
James clenched his jaw hard and ripped his hand away, wrapping his arms tight around his legs and staring straight ahead.
"Right now...I have you," Harry said, placing a hand on the boy's shoulder and leaning down to meet his eyes. "I have you and Al and Lily...and if life could stay like this always then it would be enough for me."
James flicked his eyes up.
"It would be enough," Harry repeated firmly, squeezing his shoulder.
He swallowed hard and shook his head. "But that's the thing, Jamie," he said, giving him a sad smile. "You're going to grow up one day. You're going to go to Hogwarts and learn and make friends and have the time of your life. And you're going to keep on growing. You're going to get a job, you're going to have a family of your own."
"And I'll watch you. I'll watch you grow, James," Harry said, brushing a thumb at the back of his neck. "And I'll be so bloody proud of you. But so...so alone."
James was facing him fully now, his previous scowl replaced with a frown.
"And that terrifies me," Harry said quietly, letting his hand fall to his side.
James glanced down for a moment, playing with his shoelaces. "What if I don't leave?" he said in a small voice.
Harry let out a soft chuckle and brought him in close to kiss his head. "Don't say that," he said into the boy's hair. "You're meant to leave. It's your job. It's my job."
He didn't seem to have anything to say to that, so Harry hesitantly continued.
"Abby's a really good friend to me," he said gently. "She cares about you so much already, understands that you three come before anything. And she asks about you all the time. I talk and talk and talk, and she never grows bored. Just wants to know more."
James stared intently at his trainers.
"And I...I have fun with her. I trust her," Harry said with a shrug. "I don't feel alone with her."
The truth of his words hit him hard as he considered for the first time what it would be like to spend the rest of his life with Abby. The future had always been an anxiety-inducing concept to him, but the thought of her by his side now was like a soothing balm to his nerves
He didn't have to be alone anymore.
He didn't have to be alone...
Harry let out a long exhale and felt a warmth build up in his chest. He had the strongest urge to simply call Abby up on the phone and hear her voice, to make sure she wasn't some figment of his deepest desires.
But first, he needed James to yield, if only a little.
"All I'm asking right now is that you give this a chance," Harry said, placing a hand on the boy's knee. "For me, James. Please...just do this for me."
James finally looked up to meet his eyes, the warm brown colour a familiar, calming sight.
And he nodded.
Abby: Hey! did u have any plans for tonite. if not can i make suggestion
Harry stared at his phone screen for several seconds before dialling Abby's number.
"Did you get my text?" she said at once.
"Yes," Harry said. "Please tell me you spell better than that in real life. I might just have to reconsider this relationship otherwise."
Abby let out a small giggle. "It's called text speak, Harry. Get with the times."
"I'd prefer not to."
He walked into the sitting room and plopped down on the couch, stretching his legs out in front of him. "What was your suggestion, then?"
"Oh, right. Er..." she said, sounding a bit hesitant now. "Feel free to say no, it might be very boring. And, well, it is our second date. Those are probably supposed to be special and all. I mean, we haven't even gone out to dinner or anything. Not that I'm asking you to take me out to dinner! I just meant—"
"I think I'd prefer the texting at this point."
She groaned. "Right, sorry," she said, sounding embarrassed. "Well...I've been a bit busy lately and haven't had time to practice. So, would you want to...I dunno...come with me?"
Harry frowned at that. "Abby, if you need to practice, we can reschedule. It's not—"
"No, no," she said at once. "I want you to come."
He furrowed his eyebrows. "I thought you said I was a distraction?" he said.
She let out a small laugh. "Well, you definitely are, but...I also kind of want you there," she said. "Which is weird because I usually hate practising in front of people."
Harry couldn't help but grin at that. "Well, then...I'm honoured," he said before pausing. "Erm...I also wanted to talk to you about something tonight. Can we get that out of the way first?"
Abby immediately groaned. "Why do you do this to me? I'm going to come up with a thousand different scenarios in my head now, and most of them will be bad," she said. "Thanks so much."
He chuckled at that and shook his head. "It's nothing bad, I promise," he said in his best placating tone. "Just...an idea I had."
He could practically hear her rolling her eyes at him.
"Fine, yeah, of course," Abby said. "We'll talk if we must."
"Were you not planning on talking this evening?"
"No, I was going to throw you in the practice room and then get down and dirty with you."
Harry let out a bark of laughter. "Well, at least take me out to dinner first. It is our second date, after all."
"You know," she said with a frustrated sigh. "I didn't mean you had to take me, I was only—"
"Shut up," he said. "I'll pick you up at six?"
"How romantic," she said in amusement. "Six is good."
Harry smiled, feeling a thrill shoot through him in anticipation. "Good."
Abby turned her face from side to side as she observed herself in the mirror. She put her hair up, then exhaled loudly and let it all fall back to her shoulders. Parted it one way, then parted it the other.
She'd always hated this part of a relationship. The first few dates, the uncertainty and self-consciousness. She just wanted to fast forward to the part where she and Harry were completely comfortable with one another, and she could do whatever the hell she wanted with her hair without wondering which way he preferred it.
It was silly, of course, Abby knew that. She was more comfortable with Harry already than any boyfriend she'd had in the past. Their first date had gone about as well as she could have hoped. Probably the best yet, and she was positive she wasn't being biased.
But there was still that part of her that worried. Friendship was easy. Relationships were hard. And while she was one hundred per cent willing to put in the work, she wasn't positive yet that Harry could say the same.
"Okay, enough, focus," she said, forcing herself to get back on track.
Leaving her hair down, Abby rushed to find some second-date worthy clothes before putting on makeup and a bit of the perfume Maggie had gotten her for her birthday.
She hadn't anticipated how strong it would be and coughed as she sprayed some too close to her mouth. "Shit," she said, stepping away from the cloud of fragrance. "Way too much."
She waved her arms and jumped around a bit to try and get it off, and Clara chose that moment to poke her head in the room.
"Your boyfriend is here," she said, looking her up and down with clear judgement in her eyes.
"He's not my..."
Clara raised her eyebrow as Abby trailed off.
"I mean...yeah, thanks," Abby said, feeling embarrassed. "I'll be right out."
She shook her head to herself and grabbed her shoes.
Boyfriend. Christ.
Apparently, Harry wasn't the only one who needed to get used to this.
Abby walked into the sitting room a few seconds later to find Harry leaning back against the couch with his arms crossed. Her heart skipped a beat when he looked up at her. Perhaps it was the lighting, his black shirt, or her overactive imagination, but his eyes seemed to stand out even more than usual tonight.
"What are you staring at?" he said as she walked towards him.
Abby shrugged. "Your eyes," she said, wrapping her arms around his waist. "They're so green, it's stupid."
"And you say I'm the romantic one," Harry said.
She grinned and stood on her toes to kiss him, her hands immediately threading through his hair. He seemed to like it when she did that, and Abby was all too happy to oblige. But before things could turn heated, Clara's bedroom door opened, making them both pause.
"I think she's just using the loo, but it's probably best if we…" Abby said, gesturing towards the front door.
Harry nodded, following her out into the corridor and down the stairs.
"So, Ollie's shop is close by, but I know you said you wanted to talk first, right?" she said, glancing up at him.
Harry nodded as he opened the door for them. "How about over dinner?" he said.
"Harry…" she said, giving him a look.
"What?" he said with a laugh. "As if I really wouldn't take you out to dinner? I am aware of how dating works, you know. I'm not that incompetent."
Abby bit back a smile and shook her head. "Fine, but nothing posh. I'm paying."
"You're adorable."
"Piss off."
Harry grinned down at her. "Got any place in mind?"
She threw her hands up and laughed. "If I have to pick the place we go to every time, then aren't I the one taking you out?" she said, pushing him lightly in the chest for emphasis. "That means I should pay."
"Next time, I promise," he said.
Abby rolled her eyes and sighed. "There's a place that does bottomless chips a couple of streets over?"
"Lead the way," Harry said.
It was only about a fifteen-minute walk to the restaurant, but it was enough time to catch each other up on how their weeks had been. Harry had stopped by the cafe Thursday during his lunch break, but aside from that, they hadn't seen or talked to each other since their date earlier that week.
Well, Abby texted a few times. Harry...tried to respond. It was usually one- to two-word messages from him, but they always made her grin imagining him struggling to work his phone keyboard like an 80-year old man with his first mobile.
He'd learn eventually. She'd make sure of it.
"Come here often?" Harry said, looking around the restaurant as they were led inside to their table.
She shrugged. "A few times, yeah," she said. "Have I mentioned the bottomless chips?"
"Right, how could I forget."
She was about to sit down when Harry pulled out her chair for her and leaned in to speak close to her ear.
"Romantic enough?" he said, the smile clear in his voice.
Abby looked over her shoulder at him and raised an eyebrow. "No," she said. "Where are my flowers?"
He scanned the room really quick before bringing her in close for a one-armed hug.
"What are you—?"
"Shh," he whispered, discreetly pulling out his wand and muttering something under his breath.
Abby looked down between them to see a single red rose materialize in his hand. "You're completely mad, you know that?" she whispered in amusement. "Shouldn't you be more careful?"
Harry shrugged as they both took their seats. "I've done madder things," he said. "And for the record, I know red roses are overused and all, but it's the best I could come up with on short notice."
"It's lovely," she assured him with a smile.
They both took a moment to look through their menus, Abby starting to grow apprehensive once more about whatever Harry wanted to discuss with her. True to her word, she'd ruminated over it for the better part of the day.
Harry's 'It's not bad, I promise's always had a way of making Abby's stress levels shoot through the roof.
"So…" she said, trying to think of the best way to introduce the topic. "What did you want to tell me?"
He let out a loud laugh as he looked up from his menu. "You're the most impatient person I've ever met, you know that?" he said with a fond look in his eyes.
Abby sighed. "I told you my brain comes up with the worst-case scenarios, so just...get on with it, please," she said.
Harry shook his head at her but put his menu down. "Fine," he said, folding his arms atop the table. "I told James about us."
She raised her eyebrows. "Oh," she said, not expecting that.
Considering how long it had taken Harry to mention her to his kids the first time, she was rather surprised he'd moved so fast in revealing their relationship now. She would have expected the opposite, to be honest. But it had barely even been a week.
In many ways, it was a relief. They'd have no need for secrets or hiding now. Not that Abby imagined they'd be anywhere near affectionate in front of the kids, but at the very least, they'd understand why she was around more often.
But even more than that, it meant that Harry saw a future in them the same way she did. Surely he would have never told James if he didn't expect their relationship to last longer than a few weeks.
Abby let out a small exhale, feeling hope bloom inside of her at the thought. "That's...that's great," she said, nodding. "How did he take it?"
Harry shrugged. "Not horrible," he said with a tired smile. "He was upset at first, of course. But then we talked—or...I talked and he listened. And...he agreed to give this a chance. I mean...not that we'll end things if he doesn't accept it, but it would be so much easier on me if he did."
She placed her hand on his and squeezed it. "I have a feeling he will."
"Yeah?"
Abby nodded. "Not because of me," she said with a small chuckle. "Because of you, Harry. Because kids love seeing their parents happy."
Harry stared at her for a moment as he brushed his thumb across the back of her hand. "I am, you know," he said, his lips parting as his eyes travelled over her face. "Happy."
The words caused a wave of emotion to swell inside of her, and she was overcome with the ridiculous urge to jump across the table and hug him, kiss him, tell him she…
Well...
She did. She knew she did. But she wasn't sure if he was ready to hear it.
Abby stuffed the words back in for now and smiled at him instead. "So...where do we go from here then?" she said, propping her chin up with her hand. "How do I bribe James into liking me?"
Harry laughed, getting that look in his eyes that she loved. Like she was the most entertaining thing in the world to him.
"I, er...actually had something else in mind for that," he said, playing with the utensils beside his plate.
"Oh?"
Before he could elaborate, the waitress arrived to take their orders, and Abby quickly scrambled to pick something off the menu while Harry rattled his off.
As soon as that was taken care of, she rounded on him once more. "Go on, what were you going to say?"
He smiled at her before shifting his gaze away. "It's, er...just an idea, like I said. You don't have to do it. And I promise it's not out of necessity or anything, but—"
"Tell me!"
He cleared his throat. "Would you...want to babysit them sometime?" he said, meeting her eyes finally. "Not for very long, of course. Maybe an hour one day during the evening, if that. I mean...you absolutely don't have to, it was just a thought. Please feel free to say no—"
"How about tomorrow?"
"What?" he said, looking up at her in surprise.
"Can I watch them tomorrow?"
Harry blinked a few times. "Oh. Erm..." he said, as though processing her words. "Really?"
Abby grinned. "Yes, really," she said. "Why wouldn't I want to? It's a great idea."
He shrugged, looking at a loss for words. "I mean...yeah...that would be brilliant," he said, staring at her as if she'd just hung the moon for him.
She couldn't help but laugh. "Were you seriously worried I'd say no?" she said, shaking her head at him. "Don't you know how much I care about them already? They're a part of you, Harry, how could I not love them?"
Harry stared at her with an intense look in his eyes that was starting to make her blush. "I want to kiss you so fucking bad right now."
She let out a surprised laugh and reached over to squeeze his arm. "Love the sentiment, but save it for later," she said. "I'm hungry."
He chuckled at that and nodded in acquiescence.
"So...do wizards eat out in London? Or is that just a Harry Potter thing?" she said, leaning in closer so they wouldn't be overheard.
Harry smiled. "Yes, we do," he said in amusement. "Some go out to muggle London, but most only stay in the magical part."
Abby frowned at that. "Where are the magical parts, exactly?"
Before he could answer, the waitress arrived at the table with their food, and Harry thanked her with a pleasant smile that had Abby raising an eyebrow.
"What?" he said, turning back to her.
She bit back a smile of her own. "You were nice to her," she said.
Harry knitted his forehead in response. "Should I have been ruder?"
Abby laughed. "Not at all, I'm just...surprised," she said with a shrug. "You never smiled at me that way before we got to know each other."
"What, are you jealous?" he said with a teasing look.
She rolled her eyes. "No, you prat," she said, kicking his foot lightly under the table. "I just meant...I dunno...it's nice. I'm glad you smiled at her. She's probably had an exhausting day, and smiles mean a lot."
At this, Harry glanced down at his plate and nodded. "Yeah, I...haven't always done that as much as I probably should have," he said, playing with his food. "At least...not these past few years."
Abby gave him a look of understanding. "It's okay," she said, her eyes moving over his tense shoulders hunched over the table. "You were probably exhausted, too."
Harry let out a dry laugh. "You can say that, yeah," he said, nodding. "I can't even remember it sometimes, you know? The months after Ginny died. The whole year, really, it's just a blur. And I have so many things that I regret about it all—things I did...things I didn't do..."
"You were grieving, Harry," she said, taking his hand in hers and squeezing it in comfort. "Maybe a part of you always will be."
His eyes flicked up at that. And for a moment, Abby worried she'd overstepped somehow, said something to upset him. She'd only spoken what she knew to be true for herself, but perhaps it wasn't the same at all.
But then Harry's shoulders relaxed as he leant back against his chair. And he nodded, a faraway look in his eyes as though considering it deeply.
"It's okay to talk about her, you know," Abby said after a moment. "Please don't think I'll mind."
Harry shook his head. "No, I...I know that," he said, clearing his throat. "I mean...I don't doubt it. I feel like I can talk to you about anything, really."
Abby smiled, feeling very pleased. "Well, good," she said, stuffing her mouth with her burger so she wouldn't say anything stupid.
The words 'I think I'm in love with you, please don't be frightened' sprang to mind.
She coughed and took a sip of water. "So, erm...you never finished explaining before," she said, deciding to change the subject. "About the magical parts of London?"
It seemed to take a few seconds for the words to register, but then Harry nodded. "Right, yeah. You wanted to know where they were?"
"Well...if you can even tell me," she said, glancing up at him.
He tried to hold back a smile. "That hasn't exactly stopped me before," he said. "But yeah...there are magical places everywhere. Hidden away like Hogwarts. You wouldn't be able to notice them unless I pointed them out to you."
Abby nodded, recalling the strange feeling that came over her when Harry had tried to make her see the castle. As though there were two different versions of reality right in front of her, and she had to grasp onto the blurry one.
"So...muggles see something else when they pass by?"
"Right, something unappealing," he said with a nod. "Even our Ministry is on some dingy-looking street. Most people would just avoid it if they stumbled upon it. And even if they didn't...the entrance is inside an old telephone box that's broken down. They wouldn't know how to use it."
She frowned. "What do you mean the entrance?"
"I mean you literally enter through the telephone box, dial a number, and then get transported down into the Ministry." He paused before adding as an afterthought: "It's underground."
Abby's eyes widened at this. "Wow, okay," she said, trying to wrap her head around this. "So...somewhere below London...there's a huge government building of wizards that no one knows about?"
Harry nodded slowly. "There is, indeed," he said. "And I work there."
She tried to keep the horror from showing in her expression. "Yeah? What's that like?" she said, feigning enthusiasm as she took in his pale face properly for the first time. "Doesn't it get...horrible?"
He laughed. "It's probably not what you're imagining," he said. "It looks like a normal building. There's windows with enchantments that show the sky outside. Doesn't feel like you're underground at all."
"I'll...have to take your word for it, I suppose," she said, making a note to get him out into the sun more. "Is everything underground then?
Harry shook his head. "Nearly all above ground, actually," he said. "Wizarding villages, pubs, alleys filled with shops and restaurants. The wizarding hospital—"
Abby raised her eyebrows. "How do you hide an entire hospital?"
"Carefully," Harry said.
She rolled her eyes causing him to laugh.
"Just like everything else, really. Make it as unsightly as possible and have the entrance difficult to navigate," he said. "The gateway to it is located in some big run-down department store called Purge and Dowse Ltd."
Abby nodded slowly. "So...if you were to point out all these places to me...would I be able to see them on my own after that, or...do you need to show me each time?"
"You should be able to see them, yeah," he said. "Sort of like a...once you see it, you know, type of thing."
She bit her lip as she considered all this information, wondering how many magical places she'd walked past over the years without ever knowing it.
"It's mad, isn't it?" Abby said after a moment, moving a few chips around on her plate absentmindedly. "How there's this whole world most people don't even know about? Hidden underground, behind walls...everywhere."
Harry nodded thoughtfully. "Yeah...I remember thinking that, too."
She frowned as she met his eyes. "What do you mean? When?"
"When I found out about magic," he said. "I was a kid, sure. Ready to believe anything. But...it was still a shock."
Abby simply stared at him, her mouth drawn open.
"What?" Harry said, giving her a confused look. "Are you—did I not tell you about that?"
"Er, no! You said you were a half-blood," she whispered loudly, glancing around to make sure no one was listening. She suddenly wished they were somewhere more private so she could lay into him the way she wanted to right now.
"You can talk as loud as you want, I already muffled our conversation," Harry said, waving a dismissive hand. "But anyway—I told you my parents died, and that I grew up with my aunt and uncle, didn't I?"
She shrugged. "Was I supposed to assume they weren't magical?"
"Well...no, but…"
Abby raised her eyebrows for him to continue, but he just sighed and shook his head.
"No, you're right, I'm sorry," he said, running a hand through his hair. "I just...I've never really had to explain my life to anyone before. They've all sort of just known about it already."
Abby frowned thinking how unpleasant that would be to deal with. "So, you didn't know you were famous either?"
Harry let out a dry laugh. "Absolutely not," he said. "I was about the furthest thing from it."
She took a moment to consider that. What it must have felt like to learn about magic and Hogwarts and Voldemort all in one day at eleven years old. And then have to live through it.
She suddenly felt very grateful to Harry for introducing everything to her bit by bit, no matter how mad it had driven her in the process. Perhaps he knew better than anyone what it felt like to have his entire world turned upside down.
"So, from one former muggle to another...tell me," she said, propping her chin up with the heel of her hand. "What's the maddest thing you've ever seen?"
A slow smile spread over Harry's face at her words. He seemed to think about it for a long time before giving her a shrug. "Anything," he said. "Everything. Cloaks that turn you invisible, mirrors that show you your deepest desires, a basin to store your memories in and watch them back like a film. Potions...to make you lucky, to make you tell the truth, to make you turn into someone else entirely. Creatures like dragons and trolls and giants. Plants that can strangle you to death or make you sprout gills to breathe underwater…"
Harry broke off with a laugh and shook his head. "God...there are so many things, Abby," he said with a glint in his eye. "So many mad...wonderful things."
Abby let out a soft breath as he stared at her, the noise of the people around them falling to a faint hum.
"It's been a long time since I really thought about it," Harry said, shifting his eyes down to the table. "I don't know why."
She gave him a sad smile. "I think people grow used to just about anything after a while," she said, folding her hands down on the table. "Even the maddest, most wonderful things."
Harry visibly swallowed before looking up at her. "That's a stupid way to live."
Abby nodded. "It really is," she said.
They stared at each other and grinned, and Abby wondered if it was possible to ever get used to this. Because she sure as hell didn't want to.
Ollie's shop was closed this time of night on Saturdays, but Abby took out her key and unlocked the front entrance.
"You have your own key?" Harry said behind her.
She turned to him with a sly grin. "I've got connections."
"Clearly."
She led the way inside to one of the practice rooms in the back where her folder with sheet music was still laid out from a couple of days before. Ollie had all but given her free reign over it, which she was eternally indebted to him for.
"May I?" Harry said, gesturing to the piano.
Abby smiled. "Please."
He made a show of pressing a single finger to one of the C keys a few times before running the back of his hand across the length of the piano in a choppy glissando.
"That was heart-wrenchingly beautiful," she said.
He grinned as she clapped for him, giving her a low bow in response.
Abby took a seat on the bench then, gesturing for Harry to sit beside her. And she went through a few exercises to warm up her fingers while he looked on in interest.
At one point, he leaned in to squint at her sheet music before looking back at her. "You understand what all these symbols mean?"
She held back a smile and nodded. "It looks more complicated than it is."
"It looks like gibberish."
Abby let out a small laugh. "Here," she said, picking up the first page and pointing to the staff. "See these lines? Each one represents a key on the piano. They go by letters. A, B, C, D, E, F, and G."
She pointed them out on both the page and piano as she recited them, the familiarity of it all bringing back a rush of memories that caused her to pause for a moment, staring unfocused at the music.
"What?" Harry said when she stopped.
She blinked and shook her head. "Nothing, just...I taught piano lessons while I was at University," she said, picking up the pile of music and straightening it out. "This just brought me back a bit. I really used to enjoy it."
Harry seemed interested in that bit of information. "Why did you stop?" he said.
Abby thought about his question for a moment before giving a shrug. "Wasn't a consistent job, I suppose. Started working other places, didn't have the time for it anymore. I do miss it though."
He frowned. "That's a shame," he said quietly.
She nodded slowly. "Yeah, I suppose it is."
Silence stretched out between them for a few seconds before Abby decided to fill it. She brought her fingers to the keys and without any introduction, began playing her audition piece.
It was a lot more intense than the one she'd played for Harry the first time, filled with a quick repetition of sixteenth-note runs, various dynamics and articulations, and a much, much faster tempo.
Abby could see Harry staring mesmerized at her fingers as they glided along the length of the piano without pause, causing blood to rush to her face in response. Playing music always made her heart beat with excitement, but something about having Harry here watching was so much more exhilarating than she could have ever imagined.
She hadn't been lying before when she'd told Harry that she didn't like to practice while other people were watching. But this didn't feel like a practice session, it felt like a performance. She couldn't stop the pleased smile from forming on her face as she went through a particularly difficult passage and saw Harry's look of disbelief out of the corner of her eye. He was just so enthusiastic in his responses, and she wasn't ashamed to admit that she revelled in it.
After doing her final long run, Abby ended the piece with a little more accent than necessary, earning immediate applause from Harry.
"How on earth do you do that?" he said, picking up one of her hands and examining them. "Do your fingers not hurt at all?"
"No," she said with a giggle. "I'm used to it, Harry. I've been playing since I was a kid."
"Still," he said, shaking his head in wonder. "You're bloody amazing, you know that? I could watch you play for hours, it's fascinating. It's like you're...I dunno...caressing the keys or something."
"Making love to them," Abby said in amusement. "That's what my old piano teacher used to describe it as. Making love to your instrument."
Harry chuckled at that before glancing over at her music. "Is this the song you're using for your Ministry of Magic audition?"
Abby nodded. "I picked it specifically."
"How do you mean?" he said, raising an eyebrow.
She gave him a playful grin. "It's called Witches Dance," she said, tapping her finger to her temple. "Keeping in theme, you know?"
Harry laughed. "Clever," he said with a nod.
"Aren't I just?" she said, before glancing down at the keys and letting out a small sigh. "I've been thinking though...even if I don't get this gig, I...I'm going to keep trying. After my last audition, I really felt like giving up altogether. But...I don't want to do that anymore."
Harry nodded in understanding. "Well, good," he said, placing his hand atop hers and lacing their fingers together. "I know you can get this spot at the Ministry, Abby. But it's your choice if you want it. Please don't think you have to take it just for me."
She stared at him for a moment, considering his words. "I do want it. It's an amazing opportunity," she said. "But...if I don't—"
"Abby—"
"If I don't get it," she said, talking over him. "Are we going to be okay? Am I? I mean...with the magic thing. Hermione mentioned memory spells…"
Harry shook his head. "I'll never let that happen," he said at once. "Never. Do you understand that? I hold a lot of power over at the Ministry. And while I don't like to use it very often, I would literally tear the place down before letting anybody touch you."
Abby swallowed thickly, feeling a shiver run up her spine. Was it wrong that she found him incredibly sexy right now? She obviously appreciated the sentiment, but she was appreciating the look on his face even more.
The furrow of his eyebrows, the hard set of his jaw, the tight curve of his lips, and those stupid, stupid green eyes staring at her with an intensity that was beginning to make her feel warm.
"Do we need to be careful with this?" Harry said, his eyes on her mouth as he gestured towards the piano.
Abby blinked a few times in confusion before shutting the lid and hopping right onto his lap.
Harry laughed as he brought her head down towards him in a heated kiss, hours upon hours of pent up desire that had been building over the past week now spilling out before them. She ran her hands through his hair before travelling to his shoulders and down his back, almost desperate with the need to touch every bit of him she could reach. She was like a randy teenager having the snog of a lifetime, seeking a relief that couldn't quite come.
In the back of her mind, Abby acknowledged that it was only their second date. But she'd known Harry for months now, and she'd be lying if she said she didn't want to take things further already. She'd be more than willing to do so this very second, in fact.
In a practice room in a music shop with her back against a piano.
Didn't get much better than that, honestly.
But even through her haze of desire, the rational part of her brain told her that Harry most likely wasn't on the same page yet. And the absolute last thing she wanted to do was rush him.
No, for now, they could stick to this.
She was very much content with this.
Abby took a deep breath in and then exhaled slowly.
"Relax," she whispered, closing her eyes. "Just relax."
Pushing away the myriad of worst-case scenarios running through her head—someone falling down the stairs, the house setting on fire, one of the kids desperately needing the Heimlich—Abby raised her fist and knocked lightly on the door.
It swung open at once to reveal the excited face of Lily.
"Hi!" she said, looking up at Abby with a bright smile.
"Hello," Abby said, smiling back. "May I come in?"
Lily nodded and pulled the door open wider. "My daddy says you're gonna babysit us," she said, placing her hand in Abby's and leading her inside. "What do you want to play first?"
Before Abby could respond, the sound of feet approaching the corridor made them both look up. Harry appeared in front of them and threw a look of disapproval at Lily, presumably for opening the front door without his permission. But Lily either pretended not to notice or simply didn't care.
"Hey," Harry said, pulling Abby in for a hug. "Thanks for coming."
"Of course," she said, very aware of Lily staring up at them from hip-level.
The girl's face betrayed nothing but mild interest, but Abby quickly broke away from him nonetheless. She felt a bit guilty for teasing Harry over his paranoia about public displays of affection the other night when she was apparently no better.
At least when it came to a particular audience, anyway.
"Flower," Harry said, placing a hand atop Lily's head. "Call James and Al down, will you?"
Lily let out a small 'kay' and darted towards the stairs as Harry led Abby into the sitting room.
"How are you feeling?" he said once they were alone.
Abby sat down next to him on the couch and gave a small frown. "What do you mean?" she said. "About the babysitting?"
Harry nodded.
She gave a small shrug. "Bit nervous, I suppose," she said, severely downplaying it for his benefit. "But I'm sure we'll be fine."
"I'll only be gone a couple of hours," he said, barely allowing her to finish. "I'm just hanging out with Ron for a bit. You can call me anytime, and I'll be here in an instant."
Abby shifted her eyes to the side. "Erm...okay," she said, suddenly feeling self-conscious. "I've...babysat before, you know."
Harry paused for a second before letting out a small laugh. "No, that's not what I—sorry," he said, before cutting off with a shake of his head. "It's not them I'm worried about, Abby, it's you. I don't want you to get overwhelmed by them."
At this, she rolled her eyes. "Please," she said. "It's only two hours. I'm offended you think I can't handle them for longer."
He only smiled and gave a shrug. "Well, I have to test you out first, don't I?" he said. "You could be absolute crap at it."
Abby opened her mouth in outrage and shoved him hard in the shoulder at precisely the same moment the kids walked into the sitting room. This boded very well for the rest of the evening, she was sure.
James stared at her blankly before looking at his dad. "What?" he said.
"Sit down for a second, please," Harry said, adopting a serious look. "All of you."
They did as they were told, James and Al sitting on the other couch and Lily squeezing herself between Harry and Abby.
Abby could feel James' gaze flitting towards her every so often while Harry droned on about his expectations for the night. At one point, she caught his eye but he frowned and quickly looked away again.
She told herself to relax. That this was expected. He hadn't exactly been enamoured with her, to begin with; naturally, he was going to like her even less now. That was the entire point of this evening. To become closer. To start to, anyway.
Potter men were notoriously stubborn, it seemed.
"And you'll be on your best behaviour. You'll listen to Abby, and you'll give her the respect she deserves," Harry said, pulling Abby abruptly from her thoughts. "That means absolutely no fighting, understood? If you do, I'll hear about it."
His words were met with mumbles of assent even though Abby very much doubted she'd be snitching on any of them no matter what they got up to tonight. She did have some sense of self-preservation, after all.
"Any questions?" Harry said, looking from one child to the next.
"Daddy?" Lily said, wrapping her hands around his elbow and looking up at him. "Can Abby sleep over tonight?"
Abby glanced away, pretending to be very interested in a loose thread on the cushion beside her.
"Er...no," Harry said. "Not tonight."
"She can share my bed," Lily said, getting up on her knees. "Please, Daddy? Please, can she? Daddy, please can she—"
"Lily," Harry said, holding a hand up. "Enough."
"But why not?" Lily said through a whine. "I have two pillows and everythin—"
"I said enough!"
The girl crossed her arms and fell back against the couch with a pout, mumbling "so mean" under her breath and kicking a cushion to the floor.
Harry placed it back on the couch before standing up. "Abby, can I talk to you for a sec before I leave?" he said, nodding towards the kitchen.
She nodded, stepping over the cushion Lily once again kicked to the floor and following him out.
Once they were out of earshot, Harry leant back against the worktop to face her. "I've written down everything you might need to know, but call me if you have any questions," he said, gesturing to a notepad on the table. "They'll fight at least once or twice. Just keep your cool. Try not to let them see you get angry."
Abby was more afraid of breaking out into tears than getting angry, but she chose not to share that with him.
"If it's only words, ignore it at first. They'll move on," he said in a business-like manner. "If it gets physical, break it up as best you can. They're quite small, I'm sure you could take them in a fight."
She gave him a look of amusement and nodded.
"Just try and make sure no one gets terribly hurt. That's all I care about," he said, placing a hand on her shoulder. "I know you're nervous. I can practically hear your thoughts rushing around in your head."
"I...that's not..." she said, trailing off feebly.
Harry gave her a small smile. "They're going to be difficult. You're going to get frustrated. You might even yell. But you'll also have fun, I hope," he said, looking her in the eye. "They're amazing when they want to be. They're really, really amazing. I just...I want you to see that, Abby. I want you to know them like I do."
She stared at him, surprised to see vulnerability in his gaze. For the first time, she considered the idea that Harry might be just as nervous as her but for very different reasons.
"You don't have to worry about that," she said, bringing her hand up to rest against his cheek and running her thumb over the rough stubble there. "I told you before...they're a part of you. How could I not love them when I…"
Harry's lips parted as their eyes met, the unspoken words left dangling in the air between them until Abby blinked and glanced away.
"You don't have to worry," she said again, her arm falling back to her side.
Harry looked as though he wanted to say something. And for a moment, she wished that he would.
But then he simply nodded, giving her one last hug before walking back into the sitting room where he said his goodbyes to the kids and then headed out into the back garden to apparate.
Once he was gone, Abby took in a deep breath and looked around the room. She was just about to ask if they wanted to play something together when James and Al got up without a word and raced each other back upstairs.
Abby frowned, wondering if she should be annoying and call them back down or simply leave them be for a while. But before she could make that decision, a small hand slipped into hers and she looked down to see Lily staring up at her.
"Do you want to see my room?" Lily said, tilting her head to the side. "I've got lots of toys we can play with."
Abby gave her a warm smile. "I'd love that," she said, nodding. "Lead the way, sweetheart."
Lily beamed and tugged on Abby's arm to follow her up the stairs to the first-floor landing where she opened one of the doors to reveal an overwhelmingly purple bedroom. Abby paused in the doorway for a moment to take it all in.
A magical child's bedroom.
Toys were scattered along the walls in a manner that Abby could tell had been arranged by Lily herself. A dollhouse was set in one corner with little human-like figurines that walked around and talked to each other as though actually alive. Various small animals ranging from cows and sheep, to lions and elephants, to a unicorn and a large reddish bird that, for some odd reason, appeared to set itself on fire, were all enclosed in a small pen outside a barn made out of legos. A tall stack of pillows that flashed different colours every few seconds stood beneath a window decorated with stickers of little gingerbread men that unstuck themselves to wave at Lily as she walked by.
Abby smiled as her eyes continued darting around the room. To a large trunk overflowing with stuffed toys, and a bright green dragon on a leash with a food and water bowl set beside it. To a bookshelf filled to the brim with books that varied in colour, size, and shape. And to the ceiling that appeared to reflect images from outer space—planets, stars, and comets periodically shooting by.
"Wow," Abby breathed, not knowing where to look. "This room is amazing, Lily."
Lily smiled wide. "What do you want to play first?"
Abby shook her head, feeling at a loss for words. "Good question," she said, surprised by how much she was looking forward to the prospect.
But the bedroom door swung open before she could answer. Abby watched as Al ran toward the trunk of stuffed animals and began gathering as many as he could in his arms.
"Hey!" Lily shouted, rushing over and shoving him out of the way. "Those are mine."
Al snapped his head up and glared at her. "Dad said you have to share."
"Well, I want them," Lily said, shutting the lid of the trunk.
"Well, that's too bad," Al said, opening it back up. "You're not even using them. Me and James want to play a game, we'll give them back when we're done."
"No," Lily said, shutting the trunk again.
"Yes," Al said, opening it.
"No!"
"Yes!"
Abby let out a soft sigh as they continued going back and forth. "How many do you need, Al?" she said, walking over to them.
"Abby!" Lily said, turning to her with a hurt expression.
"All of them," Al said.
Of course, Abby thought. She got down on her knees and placed a hand on Lily's back in comfort. "Look, why don't we just play something else for now?" she said, giving her a hopeful smile. "There are so many cool toys in here I want to see."
Lily pouted and crossed her arms. "No, there's not," she mumbled, shaking her head as her eyes began to fill with tears. "There's nothing to play anymore."
Abby pressed her lips together to keep from smiling. "There's plenty to play, Lily," she said, rubbing circles on her back. "How about we let the boys borrow these while you give me a tour of your room, eh? I really, really, really want to see everything you've got."
It was a genuine statement. And perhaps that was the reason Lily finally wiped her eyes with the back of her hand and gave a reluctant nod. Al didn't waste any time, scrambling away with his armful of stuffed toys as though worried she might change her mind. It didn't take long after that for Lily to transform back into her bright and bubbly self, walking Abby around the room and doing a very thorough show-and-tell.
Throughout it all, Abby could hear noises emanating from the boys' room next door. Small bangs and shouts interspersed with loud peals of laughter and excited yelps.
She smiled to herself at the sound, thinking of Harry's words from earlier. About getting to know the kids exactly as they were.
Abby just wished they would let her.
"Hey, sweetheart," she said, taking Lily's hands in hers. "What do you say we go check out what James and Al are up to."
Lily seemed to consider this for a second before giving a quick shrug and nodding. She led the way to the boys' room, opening their door without knocking—a common trait of the Potter children, it seemed—and was immediately assailed with a flying teddy bear to the face.
She screamed rather dramatically in response, causing both boys to freeze.
"Lily?" Abby said, crouching down to get on eye-level and trying to pry her hands away from her face. "Are you okay? Are you hurt?"
"It barely even touched her," Al said from his spot behind the mattress. "Don't be such a brat, Lily."
Abby looked up and did a double-take at the setup of the room. The mattresses were propped up on the floor in front of their respective beds like make-shift walls, both boys standing behind them with their own pile of stuffed animals at their feet. They were dressed in various bits of costumes. Al with a black utility belt around his waist that held a wand, a water gun, and what looked like toy nunchucks. James with a plastic sword hanging across his back and a leather shoulder holster overstuffed with rolled-up socks.
Abby shook her head and focused back on Lily.
"It hurt me!" Lily said, finally removing her hands.
James rolled his eyes. "Oh, it did not!" he said, folding his arms. "Go on, throw one back just as hard, let's see."
Lily glared at him. "Fine!" she spat out, grabbing a shoe from off the floor.
"Whoa, hold on!" Abby said, reaching for her.
But Lily launched it straight at James' face anyway, causing him to lose his footing in surprise and fall back against the wall, his head making contact with a loud thump.
Abby gasped and rushed over to him.
"Oh my God, are you okay?" she said, placing her hand beneath his head and combing through his hair to check for damage.
But James shoved her arm aside and got back up. "I'm fine," he said through gritted teeth. "Just leave us alone, we're playing a game. We were doing fine before you got here."
Out of the corner of her eye, she could see Al open his mouth in awe, staring back and forth between the two of them as if waiting for her to yell at him. But Abby just sat there for a second in silence, not knowing what to say.
She should've scolded James for speaking to her that way. She should've scolded Lily for not listening to her. Al, for egging Lily on. But Abby simply didn't have it in her to do any of those things. Because she was pathetic. Because she was searching for approval from three children whose opinions changed like the wind.
And because she was a shit adult.
A shit babysitter.
A shit parent.
Abby swallowed hard and got up, trying not to dwell on that last thought. "Erm...what's going on in here, anyway?" she said, looking around at the mess they'd created. Sheets and covers on the floor, a lamp laid sideways on the bedside table, one of the curtain rods fallen from its bracket.
"We're playing a game," James repeated in an abrupt manner. "Come on, Al. Let's start again."
Al seemed to hesitate, looking from James to Abby and back again.
"Al!" James said louder. "I'm counting down, let's go. 3...2...1!"
Stuffed animals immediately filled the air. Both boys hid behind their mattresses to shield themselves, popping up now and then to throw a toy at the other's head like a game of dodgeball with extra rules.
Lily joined in at one point, picking up toys from off the floor and throwing them at whomever she pleased.
Abby couldn't help but smile as she watched the game play out, impressed by their ingenuity. It seemed rather fun if she were being honest. And she could imagine herself in some future scenario playing alongside them, laughing and shouting and destroying things while Harry watched on and shook his head in amusement.
Her thoughts carried her even further. To building pillow forts and watching movies, staying up late and reading bedtime stories, cooking breakfast, and sharing hugs and kisses goodbye.
It was silly.
It was so, so silly.
But God, did she suddenly ache for it.
Abby let out a soft exhale and shook her head of the thought. She was getting way too ahead of herself here.
She continued watching them play for a bit when another fight broke out, this time between James and Al. It was probably long overdue, really. But Abby took Harry's advice and waited it out until it got physical.
Which it did. Very quickly.
"I told you not to use that one!" Al said, holding a hand to his mouth. "It has those stupid marble eyes that hurt really bad. It got me right in the teeth!"
"Well, you used it on me last round," James said in annoyance. "It's only fair."
"No, it's not! I didn't aim for your stupid face, you stupid idiot!" Al said, pushing his mattress down so he could jump across to James' bed.
Abby rushed over as his leg got caught on James' still upright mattress, causing him to tumble straight into his brother.
"Get off me!" came James' muffled voice, trying to knee Al in the stomach.
"Okay, let's calm down please!" Abby said, pushing the mattress down and climbing over it.
Al grabbed a stuffed animal from behind him to smack hard against James' face.
"Al, stop it!" Abby said, seizing his arm to prevent him from taking another swing. "Get off now!"
"He's the one who hit me first!" Al said, trying to aim a kick at James' side.
Abby held his leg down.
"You're the one hitting me now!" James said.
"Both of you, stop!" she said, drowning out their voices.
But before she could pull Al away fully, James shot straight up in an effort to push him off and ended up knocking his forehead right into Al's nose.
The boy immediately cried out in pain, causing Abby to wince. "Al," she said, her pulse pounding loud in her ears. "Al, look at me."
He fell back against the wall and covered his nose with his hands, and Abby could already see blood dribbling from it. She just prayed that it wasn't broken.
"Is he okay?" came James' voice behind her shoulder.
She turned her head to see both James and Lily staring at their brother with mouths slightly open. "It's going to be fine," she said, facing Al again. "You're going to be fine."
He was openly crying now and without thinking, Abby pulled him in close and held him to her, whispering words of comfort in his ear as she rubbed his back. "It's okay," she repeated into his hair. "You're going to be okay...you're going to be okay..."
She shut her eyes tight, feeling a sudden wave of memories sweep over her as the words echoed through her mind—an old, familiar mantra.
You'll be okay, I'm right here.
I'm right here with you.
You'll be okay.
You'll be okay.
Abby felt her breath catch, and she opened her eyes again, her gaze flitting around the room to land on the head of messy black hair in her arms.
"Al," she breathed.
She leaned back to look at him, brushing a lock of hair from his eyes. "Hey, kiddo," she said, hugging him close to her for a moment before letting him go again. "Let's get you cleaned up, all right?"
He rubbed the sleeve of his shirt under his nose and nodded, taking her hand as she led them to the door.
Abby tried not to let her thoughts wander as she carefully dabbed away at the dried blood on Al's nose with a wet washcloth.
She focused on the present. Al sitting in front of her on the bathroom sink, kicking his legs back and forth against the cabinets. James peeking his head in the doorway every so often, pretending to be passing by and definitely not checking in on his brother. Lily offering a red lolly and a hug that Al accepted with an eye-roll and reluctant smile. Harry rushing up the stairs after getting her phone call, crossing his arms and being 'very disappointed, but glad' that everyone was okay.
She focused on every bit of it, clung to it like a life preserver floating over a past that threatened to drown her. Until all that remained were scenes so similar, yet so completely different from the ones she once knew.
This is it, a voice whispered in her mind. This is everything you've wanted.
Abby licked her lips. "Harry," she said, staring up at him.
It was only the two of them now, the kids disappearing as soon as Harry had finished lecturing them.
"Yeah?" he said, running a hand through his hair and settling himself against the sink beside her.
"Can I tell you something?"
He raised an eyebrow. "Yeah," he said with a nod.
Abby turned her head towards him, the sight of his green eyes managing to calm her nerves. "I love you," she said with a shrug. "And I love all of them. And you don't have to respond, but I just needed you to know that because it's true. I am so in love with you. I'm sorry."
Harry stared at her for a moment before dropping his head onto her shoulder and breaking out into a fit of silent laughter that made his entire body shake.
She stared down at his head with a frown before looking up at the ceiling.
"What the hell is wrong with you?" Harry said finally, picking his head back up, smile wide on his face. "Why are you sorry? And why the hell did you just tell me you love me for the first time in a bloody bathroom?"
Abby pressed her lips together for a moment before letting out a small snort and shaking her head. "I don't know," she said through her own laughter now.
Harry grinned and leaned in to kiss her hard, pouring so much of himself into it that Abby could feel every word on his lips that he still had yet to say.
And for her, that was enough.
It was everything she wanted.