Kitsune & Panda
I don't own Naruto at all
A/N: right, time for some more madness. I came up with this idea and please don't hate me for it. It sounded great and just in line for this story and it's quite a Kitsune move.
Kitsune was bored.
Stupid author and having major writers' block. Can't think of anything good fast enough. Can't even update stories on any kind of stupid schedule. Something needs to change he thought then an idea popped into his head. He pulled out his Super-Duper Magic Laptop of Grand Plot Convenience and Random Bullshit.
(Warning everything written after this has been done by Kitsune. The original author disavows anything done here. It isn't a part of the story. Just Kitsune's madness running wild)
The Chunin Exams were on and team 7 were meeting up in front of the academy. Sasuke had his arms folded being all broody with a Great Grand Emo Cloud above his head with chances of dark eyeliner showers possible. Sakura was stuck to Sasuke side like yipping cheerleader. Kitsune in all his hunky Adonis glory shining like a thousand fucking suns without a dimmer switch, a cool motherfucking bastard who takes no shit from no one, a rebel without a cause, but looking for one to support since you gotta be pro-active and shit nowadays to be somebody.
"Come on you two, EMO KING and SHRIEKY" Kitsune said. "Your virgin asses are about to be violated."
Sasuke just continued to brood as that chance of black eyeliner showers became more inevitable while Sakura gulped as she trembled like a junkie going cold turkey.
They entered the academy building and made their way up. They found a big crowd of genin milling around a doorway.
(Kitsune Notes: welcome to KN where I explain the plot and how I developed it. In this scene I was going for an auteur look with the lighting and the angle of the camera. You can see that there some shadows. I wanted that to add in some texture and flavor to the scene. I know that the typical way is a wide shot with close-ups later to cover stuff, but I didn't want that. I wanted this to be more artistic. This ain't no Hollywood blockbuster, this film got some class up its fine ass yo.)
"Mooo~ cattle, mooo~" Kitsune crowed.
This had everyone turn to him and he grinned as he wore a farmer getup.
"Come on, please let us enter" Tenten pleaded.
"My Panda-hime" Kitsune said reverting back to his usual outfit.
He then saw one of the ninja blocking the door push Tenten down and Kitsune saw red. No one hurt his Panda-hime. He dashed forward quicker than lightning and had the ninja hanging from the ceiling naked in some kind of very hardcore BDSM swing with a ball-gag in his mouth.
"No one, and I mean no one messes with my Panda-hime" Kitsune growled.
Everyone took a few steps back feeling the immense pressure Kitsune was giving off. They couldn't find any air to breath. Tenten got up and sighed.
"It's alright Kitsune" she said gently.
Kitsune relaxed and that made everyone breath again.
"You alright, Panda-hime?" he asked in a great grand heroic booming baritone voice.
"I'm fine Kitsune" Tenten said.
Kitsune looked Tenten over and seeing she's fine shifted his emotional state like flipping a pancake.
"Okay, tally-ho" he said as he pointed the way like he was leading Custard's charge.
"Hmph, let's leave all the idiots down here under that pathetic excuse of a genjutsu" Sasuke crowed loudly. A steady rain of black eyeliner raining down on Mount Duck-Butt.
"Congrats Emo Duck, you just won the Giant Ass of the Day Award" Kitsune said.
He then handed Sasuke a trophy that had a highly-polished bronzed naked butt that was quite hairy with a plaque underneath that had Sasuke's name, date and the name of the award.
"What is this loser?" Sasuke asked as he looked at the bronzed butt intently.
"Well Emo Duck, you just messed with the first part of the exam, thus being stupid since this was to weed out competitors" Kitsune said happily as the sun's rays beamed out like streaks of holy light.
"Whatever, I'm an Uchiha. I can beat anyone" Sasuke boasted though he didn't let go of the trophy.
"Hm, sounds so cliché. I think you can come up with something more original, you know" Kitsune said as he rubbed his chin with his thumb and index finger.
"What are you talking about loser?" Sasuke asked with gritted teeth. The black eyeliner showers now pouring down hard upon Mount Duck-Butt with flashes of pale emo lightning.
"Come on Emo Duck, you sound so generic. I mean you belong on some Saturday morning cartoon show" Kitsune said then paused and turned to Tenten, "there are still Saturday morning cartoons aren't there, Panda-hime? I gotta get my fix you know."
Tenten sighed, "yes they're still on. No one dared take them off since they knew what happened last time they tried."
"Yes, they were all carpet bombed with my patented Naggy-Naggy Dolls" Kitsune said.
"Yes, those" Tenten said.
None of the genin standing there were sure what to make of Kitsune.
The dolls Kitsune was talking about looked like everyone's nagging aunt/mother in-law and would constant give the person unneeded advice from their life choices, their sex life, to their diets and everything else in-between. They were a scourge and couldn't be destroyed. They were labeled SSS rank hazards.
"Kitsune, we need to go so we won't be late" Tenten said as she looked like the personification of a goddess on earth.
"Right Panda-hime, let us go Emo Duck and Pink Howler. Your ass kicking is awaiting" Kitsune said excitedly as he hopped on his trusty steed.
They headed up with team 9 with Kitsune riding his horse letting it do its business in the halls with a clean-up crew behind him to mop up the messes.
Kakashi met his team at the door and wished them good luck. When they entered Neji's entrance music began (Dude looks like a Lady by Aerosmith) making everyone in the room look at the group. Neji's eye ticked since he had to deal with this every time he entered a room. No matter what. So every one of the Hyugas always knew where he was really. He couldn't even go to the bathroom without his entrance music playing.
Team 8 and 10 came over though they kept their distance from Kitsune. Kitsune though didn't seem to care as he was with his Panda-hime.
"SASUKE, YOU'RE HERE!" Ino shouted as she leapt at the Uchiha.
She latched on and began to rub herself against her target happily. She then looked up and her eyes went wide. She was actually hugging and rubbing Shikamaru of all people. She screamed as she jumped back. Shikamaru looked very annoyed and red-faced. He so didn't need to know how Ino felt against him like that. It was all so very troublesome.
As for Sasuke, he was right next to Chouji and dressed in ass-less chaps and a very tiny cod-piece with gun holsters that held six-shooters in a hot pink color and a leather rhinestone vest with the back spelled out in rhinestones; 'I Ride Only the Finest Stallions'.
The rest of the rookie genin were baffled how this all happened while Tenten sighed and looked at Kitsune who looked amused at his work. Some of the other genin in the room laughed at this. It dissolved the tension in the room.
"You know you're a loud bunch" a genin with glasses said.
"And you look like you enjoy bending over with spread cheeks" Kitsune observed.
(Kitsune Notes: in this scene I felt the urge to go for the extreme close-ups where you can see every pore on the person's face. And thanks to these brand new HD 4K cameras it'll all come in crystal clear. And man, there's some ugly mugs here. Of course Panda-hime is the only one to stand out. Ugh, do you hate when those automatic doors close on you when you're walking. I mean, what's up with that? Seriously, technology is still a pain in the ass no matter what. I tried to use that voice activate AI and it ended up giving directions to get free and easy colonoscopy clinics. I ain't that old for that thing. But back to what the main topic. Are you on team Coke or team Pepsi?)
This had everyone look at Kitsune.
"What, am I the only one who thinks the guy likes getting board from the rear. I mean, all he needs is a shirt that says…" Kitsune said then a devious smile appeared on his face. He went to his rucksack and rummaged through it. He then pulled something out and forcefully put it on the glasses wearing genin.
When it was done the genin was wearing a bright neon shirt with neon pink lettering that boldly said, 'Shipments in the Rear. All Packages must be HUGE'. On the back was a huge neon sign with an arrowed directed to his ass.
Kiba couldn't help himself as he fell over laughing. Other genin in the room laughed again since this was too damn funny.
Tenten shook her head.
The genin wearing the shirt tried to take it off, but couldn't.
"Why can't I get this thing off?" he asked as he wrestled with the shirt.
Kitsune just grinned.
"Fuinjutsu?" Tenten asked Kitsune.
Kitsune smiled as his blue eyes twinkled and that gave Tenten her answer.
"Anyway, you all best be quiet" the glasses wearing genin said.
"Yeah, liked we'd believe you" Kiba snickered.
"Who are you?" Sasuke demanded.
"My name is Kabuto and I've been to these exams" he said.
"How many?" Sakura asked.
"Seven times" Kabuto answered.
"Man, you must suck" Kiba barked out.
"And blows probably as well" Kitsune mumbled.
Tenten couldn't help, but smile at this since Kabuto did look like the type to be on his knees.
"I can help you all out. I got these cards that give you info on all the competitors here" Kabuto said as he pulled out said cards.
"Oh, let me see" Kitsune said as he ripped the cards out of Kabuto's hands.
(Kitsune Notes: the mood I was trying to set with this scene was one of the likes of Casablanca or maybe Braveheart. One of those two. Anyway, I wanted Spartacus to be more macho, but not bulky like Arnie. Like Chris Evans as Cap. But back to how I heavily used CG here. The make-up really wasn't gelling with what I wanted so I airbrushed the hell out of everyone really. I think they look better. I even morphed their faces to expressions I needed or just wanted to do. Ah, you gotta love photoshop)
"Hm, junk, junk, junk, not worth much, crap, more crap, this is worthless, no use in a fight, this one looks like it needs to get bedded more, wouldn't trade for a Willie Mays card, definitely toss that one, ugh, what booster pack did you get this from, weaker than a Pikachu card, couldn't even beat a Watapon" Kitsune said as he flipped through the cards like he was looking through baseball cards. "Oh come on, one good rookie season and then they fall to crap. Can't believe they'd want that much for it. Please, it's all a racket, honestly. Huh, okay, one decent card I guess, but how'd you come across this one. How many hand and rim jobs did you do for it. Hmm, this has to be fake. No way, you could get your hands on this one."
The rookie genin looked at Kitsune like he was mad.
"All worthless" Kitsune surmised as the entire deck went up in smoke.
This shocked everyone, especially Kabuto since it took him so much time to get all the information. Now they're all lost.
"Dude, why'd you do that?" Kiba asked shocked.
Before Kitsune could answer though he got a customer.
"Yo Kitsune, my homey, bro, I needs some mores of that hot shit" Gaara said as he came over. He had a constant hovering cloud of smoke above him as he was stoned out of his freaking mind and his eyes more bloodshot than ever.
Shukaku was just vibing inside Gaara. He could see the future, the world, the fucking universe and it was rad, far out. Tubular.
"Ah Gaara, my best costumer behind Asuma. How much do you need?" Kitsune asked as his appearance changed to wearing a dark trench coat and looking shifty. The lighting around them also seemed to change like he was in a seedy alleyway. In fact it looked like they were in a seedy alley. Kitsune put the scenery up to enhance the mood he wanted as a drug dealer.
"Um, is it just me or is Naruto trying to sell drugs to that Suna nin?" Ino asked nervously.
"He isn't trying, he is" Shikamaru said with closed eyes as he tried to push back the headache he was feeling.
The rest of the rookie genin watched as the deal went down. They all felt uneasy watching it though not sure what to really do. Tenten of course took it all in stride though she held up a sign that said; 'Say No To Drugs'.
"Thanks man, I can't get enough of this good shit" Gaara said smiling wide in a creep non-bloodthirsty way.
"No problem" Kitsune said with his appearance returning to normal.
"All right brats, shut up and find your seats!"
Ibiki Morino entered the room with several chunin.
"SCAR-HEAD!" Kitsune shouted.
Ibiki froze as he saw Kitsune and beads of sweat appeared.
Shit, I thought Kitsune wanting to be in the chunin exams was all a rumor the head of the T & I thought.
"Anyway, sit in your seat that has been assigned" he said as he kept his composure outwardly. Inside he was freaked. He still had memories of when he tried to seal up the Kitsune part of Naruto's mind.
His memory was quite spotty, but one thing he vividly remembered was bumping and grinding against a metal pole as he danced about in a strip club. Wearing the tightest leather pants imaginable sans a shirt with his chest slick with baby oil.
Once everyone was seated Ibiki went over the rules.
"The first part of the exam is a test. You all have to answer 10 questions. You also will have 10 points each. Each question you get wrong or miss a point will be deducted. Points will also be deducted if you're found cheating. Your individual points will be connected to your team. So that means if you mess up it affects your team" Ibiki instructed menacingly.
"But there are only 9 questions" Sakura pointed out.
"The Pink Howler can count, how many fingers am I holding up now?" the sexily hot Kitsune asked as he produced five clones and they held up fingers too. Several just holding up the middle one.
"Enough, I will be giving out the tenth question after 45 minutes. You may begin" Ibiki said with a bulging vein on his forehead.
As the sound of scribbling was going on Kitsune looked absolutely bored. He thought going through the chunin exams would be fun, but it was a real bore right now. He wanted to do something, but he didn't want to get thrown out since he wanted to be with his Panda-hime. So this meant he had to be sneakier, which he took as a challenge.
"Challenge accepted scar-head" Kitsune chuckled darkly.
The chunin sitting near Kitsune heard the chuckling and swallowed hard and felt a bit of piss leave his body. Ibiki himself felt like someone had walked over his grave even though he was still alive.
It started with long, pronounced bouts of flatulence from random areas in the room. There was no smell which was good, but the sound, oh the sound. Some were dry then you got the wet ones, the big wet ones. There were also high pitched farts that sounded like whistles. The farts then began to gain a tempo, a beat. A song of some kind emerged. That song was London Bridge by Fergie. With the end of this rendition of Fergie's song going out with the longest wettest fart ever recorded.
Next came some of the test papers began to come alive. They launched themselves at their test taker by biting them or snapping at them if they got to close. Others would start bad mouthing them for their poor penmanship while others made very suggestive innuendos in very low male baritones to the guys. For the girls it critiqued their bodies in a very shrill high nasally voice.
It was chaos.
Ibiki knew it was Kitsune, but had no evidence that could prove it was him. So he couldn't throw him out.
Tenten was un-fazed by all of this going on. She was immune to it all. Not that she didn't take some amusement from it though. She always enjoyed watching her Kitsune work.
(Kitsune Notes: bread is damn good, especially when it's hot from the oven. That's the shit. Nothing's better than a pair of hot buns. But I'm off topic, what I need to speak to you all about is the dangerous risk of leaky snotty noses. They're a messes, it ruins any sweet tender moments that need tears, but you end up getting all that snot that leaks out. It's a cock-blocker of emotional moments.)
After 45 minutes passed all the genin taking part were tired of being harassed and screwed with and none of it had to do with the actual test. It was all Kitsune.
Ibiki called time and gave out the final question which caused some outcry, but not enough as he wanted since Kitsune had annoyed everyone.
Kitsune had fallen asleep during the chaos. Ibiki wanted to pick on Kitsune, but knew that would be like poking a sleeping dragon. So he left him alone. After everyone passed the final question a crash was heard as a window shattered. A black blob appeared and revealed a scantily clad woman only wearing a trench coat, a mesh body stocking and an orange skirt with a dang stick in her mouth.
Behind was a banner that read; 'Anko Mitarashi, Number One Sexy Kunoichi!'
Kitsune awoke at the crash and saw this. He then held up a card that read a '3'. His clones he had created gave their scores which were 2, 1, 2, 0.5, and 1.5.
"What the hell brat, what gives, why a freaking three, and what the hell with the other low scores?" Anko asked enraged at her score.
"You had a good entrance, but I deducted several points due to the fact that your proclamation is very misleading" Kitsune said like some kind of posh judge.
His clones all nodded in agreement then disappeared along with their scores. They weren't needed since they had served their purpose.
"What the hell does that mean?" Anko asked angrily.
"You're not the number one sexy kunoichi" Kitsune said.
"Oh yeah, then who is?" Anko asked wanting to eliminate her competition.
"My lovely Panda-hime" Kitsune said.
A bright spotlight shone down on Tenten and that embarrassed her immensely. She tucked her head down feeling the heat in her cheeks.
"That brat, what does she have that I don't?" Anko asked as she posed a very seductive pose that made several guys get nosebleeds.
"She's not only sexy and hot, but she got the brains to match" Kitsune said.
"Hmph, you don't know a good thing when you can see it brat" Anko said crossing her arms pouting.
"I can see just fine. Just my eyes only see Panda-hime" Kitsune said with a firm nod of his head.
"Then you best get your eyes checked brat" Anko countered.
Kitsune pulled out an entire ophthalmologist office from his rucksack along with said ophthalmologist. He sat in the exam chair and the doctor did his thing. Everyone watched on. The genin from other villages were completely baffled by this while the Konoha nin who were used to seeing this just tried to roll with it. Once the examination was done Kitsune vanished the entire set and handed Anko his results.
"All clear. Perfect 20/20 vision" Kitsune said.
(Kitsune Notes: to quote someone old and supposedly special or something. Air is moving art, while a fart is poetry in motion. I say this because the rhythm of the heart is not something to be taken lightly. Why walk a mile in someone else's shoes when you have no idea where they've been before. You might get some bad foot fungus or something.)
Anko blinked not really knowing what to say. Instead she decided to continue on like nothing had just happened. Best to just do that. No need to ask what the hell she just witnessed.
"Hmph, whatever, no time to celebrate brats. I'm your next examiner and I bring the hell" the second examiner said as she cackled like a madwoman with a very insane glint in her eye.
This made all the remaining genin scared. Kitsune jotted something down and walked over to Anko and handed her his note. Anko read and crumbled it.
"What the hell do you mean I got no style brat?" she shouted like she found out that McDonald's had removed the McRib from their menu.
"Simple, this is how you induce fear in to these worthless peons" Kitsune said with a sinister grin.
The lights grew dim til you couldn't see much. Then scary ominous music began to play. Dark smoke began to billow out of nowhere covering the entire floor. The smoke the rose up, swirling then chilling laughter was heard from all over it seemed.
"FOOLISH MORTALS, PREPARE FOR YOUR DEATHS! I AM YOUR WORST NIGHTMARE COME TRUE!" a very dark ominous voice rumbled.
All the genin were trying hard not to wet themselves with the chunin already have done the deed.
Appearing out of the cloud of swirling dark smoke was a big muscled demon looking figure. He was black colored with highlighted blue streaking through him like veins. He had two grotesque horns sticking out of his forehead and a blazing fire for hair and shiny coal black eyes that glared at all the genin present.
"I AM BEELZEBUB! THE DEMON OF YOUR DESTRUCTION!" the demon roared.
That did it the genin all fainted with the chunin passed out, just they remained in place.
The lights came up and Kitsune stood there smirking at his work.
"And that's how it's done, amateur" he said then walked out of the room.
The only one un-affected was of course Tenten. She sighed and shook her head as she looked around.
Anko stood there utterly shocked at what she had seen.
"I so going to want to learn that shit" she said.
Ibiki however was cowering in the corner scared out of his mind. Not of Naruto's demon performance, but Naruto decided to mess with him while doing the demon performance. What he did was reveal a few gaps he had in his memory after he tried to seal Kitsune up.
The gap he revealed was of Ibiki wearing a little Bo Peep costume and tending to a lot of inflatable sheep and, um, caring for all of them in a very loving manner. And in a very high girly voice that he wasn't even aware he could do at all without the use of helium.
Several hours later shaky and scared genin appeared at the entrance of the Forest of Death. They got directions from their jounin sensei.
(Kitsune Notes: no one can tell a good quality fart joke anymore, you know. I can't count how many times I've heard the same fart joke. It's sad that flatulence humor hasn't risen to the pinnacle that it should be. I think we should start a movement, we need better fart jokes. We deserve better fart jokes. If I'm elected your president I will make sure that we get the best kind of fart jokes out there. I will create a blue ribbon committee with all the best minds and their main goal will be making up the greatest fart jokes that our species will ever have)
"Welcome to the Forest of Death, brats" Anko announced.
A dark cloud loomed over the forest as thunder rumbled and lightning arced across the blackened sky. What was strange was that the thunder, lightning and dark clouds only stayed over the Forest of Death. Everywhere else around was nice and sunny.
"WELCOME LITTLE PEONS, GET READY TO TASTE REAL HELL!" Beelzebub thundered from the dark cloud. "I'LL BE FEASTING ON NOT ONLY YOUR BODIES, BUT YOUR SOULS VERY SOON!"
Tenten looked at Kitsune who was reading something without a care in the world.
Anko wasn't pleased at being upstaged. Sure, she thought this was all freaking awesome, but it was taking her thunder. The blond brat had to be taught a lesson on who is in charge. She pulled out a kunai and threw at Kitsune. The kunai hit Kitsune and he exploded in red streamers and papier mâché organs.
"What the hell?" Anko exclaimed shocked at the sight.
"Hm, nicely done Lady Serpent, but still no tomato" Kitsune said with a posh British accent.
Anko turned and found Kitsune sitting right beside her. He was sipping a cup of tea from an English tea set.
How the hell did that brat get here she thought.
Anko then went on with an explanation of the Forest of Death and how the next test is a survival test that will last five whole days and each team would be given one of two scrolls and the teams needed to fight other teams to get the other scroll not knowing what team had what scroll.
Kitsune found this all very boring really. He rather this part be more like Survivor with tribes and contests and then the final tribal meeting where someone's booted off the island. That'd be much better. Now he just needed to find an island that'd be suitable enough for his competition.
Standing by the assigned gate Kitsune and the two side characters of this story waited for the second exam to begin. The chunin there looked like he wanted to be anywhere else since Kitsune was staring right at him.
"You need some fun" Kitsune said with a crazy grin.
Soon the buzzer sounded beginning the second stage of the chunin exams. Neji's entrance music was heard in the distance.
The chunin let out a sigh of relief.
"Hey, I'm not done with you yet" a Kitsune clone said.
The chunin let out a cry that his fellows heard and they all bowed their heads as another of theirs has fallen.
Sasuke and Sakura leapt through the trees as Kitsune was shooting something out of his wrists and swinging on the stuff.
"What are you doing loser?" Sasuke asked.
"Swinging from my webs Emo Duck" Kitsune said then went to humming a certain web-slinger's theme song.
Sakura and Sasuke looked at each other, but didn't say a thing. They weren't really sure what to say.
They kept going til they decided to stop and rest for a bit. Kitsune groaned loudly, "I'm so~ bored~!"
"Shut up loser" Sasuke muttered.
A genin team from waterfall appeared and Kitsune grinned.
"Finally, something" he said happily.
He had taken the entire genin team down by himself, before Sasuke or Sakura could even act, with a massive assault of pranks. One of the genin had fur all over their body and was scratching due to getting fleas as an added bonus. Another was dealing with a bad rash that was only placed in very uncomfortable areas so they were left rubbing their butt and crotch on the ground alternating between the two to get at least some relief and the last couldn't stop belting out show tunes whenever they opened their mouth.
"Well that was a waste" Kitsune grumbled looking and feeling quite disappointed.
In the end they found a double of the scroll they had, but Kitsune kept since he figured he could find a way to use it as a prank or something.
Team 7 kept going til a gust of wind came out of nowhere. Kitsune decided this would be a good time to take a piss into the wind, but he diverted the stream and it hit Sasuke's face instead.
"What the hell loser?" Sasuke asked with urine all over his face.
"Pissed on, are we?" Kitsune asked with a smirk.
(Kitsune Notes: Fore score and seven years ago… Firecracker: taichou, that's the wrong speech. We're going with a more Aragorn thing, not Honest Abe. Kitsune: huh, really, I thought we decided to do more of a Pacino thing. Like; 'say hello to my little friend' thing. Firecracker: no, we nixed that when it was too Montana-ish. It had to be more earthy, and plant-based. You know go green and everything. Kitsune: I see, I see. Hmmmm, then maybe we should shift gears, possibly to Turbo. Firecracker: and go into Space. Are you sure? We won't be able to get into Gear. Kitsune: bah, they're just jealous that they won't be able to go Galactic. Firecracker: okay, but will you be okay without Wild Access? Kitsune: what, we won't have that? That can't be. We gotta have Time For, Time Force. Firecracker: Alas, there's not a moment for Morphin' Time.)
"My, my look what we have here?"
Team 7 turned to find a grass nin standing there.
"I smell, huh, a lot of baby oil" Kitsune observed as he stared at the grass nin.
A big red alarm began blaring.
"What's that?" Sakura cried as she covered her ears.
"My pedo alarm, it means we got a pedo close by" Kitsune said then looked to the grass nin.
The grass nin shot a glare at Kitsune.
"Ah, so you're the pedo" Kitsune said brightly.
"I AM NOT A PEDO DAMNIT!" the grass nin shouted.
"A pedo says what?" Kitsune asked casually.
"What" the grass nin said.
"You confirmed you're a pedo" Kitsune said with a nod of his head.
"No, no, no. I did not" the grass nin cried.
"Um, I hate to agree with the loser, but you did" Sasuke said.
Sakura just nodded her head in total agreement not just because Sasuke, but because it was true.
The grass nin didn't look happy at all.
"I was here to test Sasuke, but I think I will take you out first" she said.
"Oh hell no, molest Emo Duck first. I'm sure he'd enjoy that kind of thing" Kitsune said as he tried to ward off the grass nin like an evil spirit.
A tic appeared in the grass nin's eye.
"That's it, time to show you who you're up against" she said then peeled her face off.
"Damn, that's so sick. I got to learn that trick" Kitsune said in awe.
"I am Orochimaru" the former grass nin proclaimed after tearing the false face off. A strike of lightning erupted behind him along with that super close up zoom for that dramatic effect.
"What the hell was that?" the snake sannin cried as he had not done that.
"You needed more flare, pizazz in your intro" Kitsune answered.
Orochimaru blinked, then blinked again.
Why the hell didn't I think of that he thought, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid. A mental image of the snake sannin was banging his head against a wall.
"So pedo" Kitsune said.
"I'm not a pedo" Orochimaru snapped.
"Uh-huh" Kitsune said in a bored tone.
"I'm not" Orochimaru said trying not to stomp his foot and look like a petulant child.
"Uh-huh. Yeah, yeah. Sure, sure" Kitsune said in a bored uncaring tone. "You either deny you're a pedo or… you can have what's inside this mystery box."
Orochimaru was tempted, very tempted in issuing his complaint at not being a pedo, but that mystery box was calling out to him like a siren's call. He just had to know what was in the box, he just had to know.
"The box, the box" the snake sannin said urgently.
Kitsune handed over the box and Orochimaru greedily grabbed it and opened it. A huge cloud of smoke flowed out covering the snake sannin. When the smoke disappeared Orochimaru stood there, a drawing of a dick was on his face.
"What, what was it?" he asked confused.
Kitsune grinned and held up a mirror.
Orochimaru saw his reflection and became enraged.
"Remove this, at once" he demanded.
"Why, I'm sure it's the right look for you" Kitsune said with a smile.
(Kitsune Notes: life's like a box of chocolates. Not the ones you buy that are passed their expiration date. Those are gross and only cheap losers would buy that crap. What I'm talking about are those fancy chocolates, those are the damn best. So I think Godzilla would totally own Kong's ass. That ape ain't got nothing on a god. Kong may be the people's champ, but it'll get its candy ass whipped by Earth's Defender. It never surrenders. Huh, why did I get a terrible chill saying that? Oh well, how crappy was that season of Power Rangers that was supposed to an anniversary. I mean, really, that's the best they could do? I've seen high school reunions that were better produced)
Orochimaru glared at Kitsune then turned his eyes on Sasuke.
"Forget that, time to test you Sasuke" he said.
He then launched himself at Sasuke, but before he could reach the Uchiha Kitsune leapt in front and like a bull fighter raised a cape, but it wasn't a red cape, but it was a cape that had a vulgar drawing of a young pubescent boy bent over.
"Toro, toro" Kitsune cried.
Orochimaru was furious as he passed through the cape.
"Who are you?" he scowled.
"I'm Kitsune, the Scourge of the Earth, the Prankster from Hell, the Terror of the Leaf, Godly God of the Goodness God, Grand Hunk of Time, A Man Out of Time, Someone running with Time, a will with a way, away from they, and all Panda-hime's" Kitsune said proudly as grand heroic played in the background. Kitsune had a boom box behind him playing the music. He would've hired a full orchestra, but then he had to deal with unions and he didn't want that. So he went cheap, boom box.
Orochimaru frowned. He wasn't familiar with Kitsune at all and he was sure he knew all shinobi Konoha had due to his spies, but Kitsune was an unknown.
"Now Pale Pedo" Orochimaru got a tic in his eye hearing this, "I'm getting bored with this. So let's end it, for now" Kitsune said.
Before Orochimaru could act an explosion was set off and when the smoke cleared the great snake sannin dressed in G-string with the thinnest of strings running up his butt crack, a black leather vest with little black leather tassels and on the back of the vest in glittery coral pink rhinestones it said, 'Giddy Up, Cowboy' with a matching coral pink bejeweled cowboy hat.
"What the hell was that loser?" Sasuke asked.
Kitsune had pulled Sakura and Sasuke during the explosion.
"The Pale Pedo was too into you and I'm sure you want to save your virgin ass to be de-flowered by some guy you pay rather then get it violated here and now. Not very romantic" Kitsune said.
"Sasuke isn't gay!" Sakura shouted.
"Doesn't matter how many times you saying that, it doesn't mean it's true" Kitsune said.
"You think you can escape me?" Orochimaru asked still wearing the outfit that Kitsune had put on him. He had tried to remove it, but just like Kabuto's outfit he couldn't. It was frustrating for him.
He then stretched his neck out and latched it onto Sasuke's neck. Sasuke hissed in pain and fell unconscious.
"Come to me when you feel you need power" Orochimaru said then disappeared.
"Just great, Pale Pedo had to mark him with a love bite" Kitsune grumbled.
They had to rest with the Uchiha out. Kitsune took the time to examine the seal in Sasuke's neck. He was bored and there was nothing to do.
"The Pale Pedo's tattoo skills could've been better. It's rank amateur really. Hmmm, let me see what I can do to fuck it with some" Kitsune said with an evil grin.
Inside the curse seal a pale white snake, Orochimaru, waited. It was still waiting to see if his host would survive and so far it appeared so. The place was all dark and gloomy looking like a black endless void.
"HELLLOOOO GIANT TAMPON!"
Snake Orochimaru turned its serpentine head to see Kitsune standing there.
"Who are you and how'd you get in here?" the serpent asked.
"Simple, I just unlocked the door. You've got crappy locks by the way" Kitsune said as he rocked back on his heels looking around, "geez, this place needs some razzle-dazzle it's so Emo Gloom chic."
"Leave this place, at once" snake Orochimaru demanded.
"Why would I leave when I just got here?" Kitsune asked blinking innocently.
Snake Orochimaru got pissed and lunged from its spot, but Kitsune hopped away and pulled out a hoop that he went through instead and also transformed into garter snake.
"What have you done to me? Wait what, what has happened to my voice!?" snake Orochimaru squeaked.
His voice was now like a chipmunk.
"There now, let's get you all caged up and take you to show and tell" Kitsune said with a grin.
Snake Orochimaru tried to slither away, but Kitsune caught him threw him into a glass tank with a sun rock and gravel bed.
"I'm not a pet, I'm Orochimaru. The greatest of the sannin, the immortal being, the… is that a rat?" snake Orochimaru asked.
"Yup, you hungry Bee-bee?" Kitsune asked.
Snake Orochimaru nodded and Kitsune dropped the rat inside and he ate it.
Wait, what the hell am I doing? I'm not a pet and did that twerp call me 'Bee-bee'? he thought. Oh forget about it, this rock is so nice and warm. Hmmmm.
Kitsune turned on a heat lamp for his new pet, Bee-bee.
"Now time to have some fun" he said with a grin.
(Kitsune Notes: so, show of hands; which series do you think will be more insane? The Mission Impossible series or the FF series? I think FF since they've lost the plot mostly and just plucking ideas out of their ass that looks right and to get that sweet-ass fan service. And can we talk about how many times family comes up? I mean it's gotten to a point that it's lost all meaning. They've said it more times than James Bond has downed a vodka martini. But dude, the Mission Possible series is sick as hell. The later ones definitely are da bomb. Cruise is smooth.)
He then began decorating the entire space in lavender, baby blue, hot pink and garish yellow. He then added magazines that had cover pics of moody boys and other magazines that had all the latest fetishes for gay couples. He also put a jukebox in with every show tune there was.
"Right, my job is done here" Kitsune said as he dusted his hands off then left.
Kitsune leaned back grinning now out of the seal. He had given Bee-bee to kyuubi as a pet since kyuubi had been such a good sport.
"I so love this kid" the giant fox said.
The biju had been watching everything that had been going on since Kitsune's reappearance. He just loved watching all the shit Kitsune did. It was his favorite show. It annoyed the hell out of him when Naruto was in-charge because he was really no fun compared to Kitsune.
Naruto was all about training and becoming Hokage as he shouted like some dumb idiot while Kitsune was all about creating and causing as much mayhem as he could.
Team 7 finally got into the tower with the two required scrolls.
Kitsune was utterly bored by the end of it. He was really hoping for something good, but all he got was some lame plot crap. He didn't want to deal with plot. Why the hell would anyone want to follow a plot, it's stupid. Completely and utterly stupid.
When the second trial was done with and Hiruzen explained things Kitsune bowed out since there was no real fun to be had if he kept going. So he sat up with everyone to watch the prelims.
"Time to get bitch slapped Emo Duck" Kitsune said happily.
Sasuke glared at Kitsune as a stage 3 Emo Storm was brewing on top of Mount Duck-Butt with heavy black eyeliner showers. He went down and fought his opponent, Yoroi Akado.
"Huh, he's a sucker" Kitsune observed.
He was watching as Sasuke's opponent absorb Sasuke's chakra.
"HEY, IF YOU REALLY WANT TO SUCK SOMETHING AIM LOWER AND MORE TOWARDS THE CENTER. IT'S SMALL SO YOU MIGHT MISS IT A COUPLE TIMES. BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY, GREAT THINGS COME IN SMALL PACKAGES!" Kitsune shouted.
There was utter shock and then laughter from some hearing this.
Kakashi's eye was wide as he felt some heated looks on his back. Those looks were coming from his fellow jounin. Well, not all of the jounin since Asuma was stoned out of his mind at the moment.
"I didn't teach him that, I swear" he said desperately.
His fellow jounin didn't seem to believe him.
"COME ON, ARE YOU SHY, YOU LIKE SUCKING EVERYWHERE ELSE!" Kitsune shouted.
"Your teammate is a nuisance" Yoroi said.
"You have no idea" Sasuke growled.
The match finished with Sasuke using a fire jutsu burning Yoroi. He then walked back up.
"Not your type Emo Duck?" Kitsune asked.
(Kitsune Notes: are you more of a folding horizontal or vertical? I've been asked this a lot and my answer is that you don't need to narrow yourself to such labels and titles. They're just things that sound fancy in front of your name. It doesn't make you a cold-ass player or nothing. We need to get rid of labels and tags. In fact everyone needs to go tagless. It worked when they did it to clothes so it should work here. I mean it was so annoying have that little piece of whatever it was scratching or tickling the back of your neck, or sticking out so everyone knows what your sizes are. So rude)
Sasuke ignored Kitsune.
"Not to worry, I'm sure that there's a guy that'll get you all stiff and stuff" Kitsune said.
"Sasuke isn't gay!" Sakura screeched.
Ino nodded in agreement with this.
"Have either you checked?" Kitsune asked.
The next couple of matches were a bore really then when it came to Sakura and Ino's match Kitsune grinned.
"AND NOW FOR YOUR VIEWING PLEASURE THE KONOHA NETWORK PROUDLY PRESENTS GIRLY ASS SMACKDOWN!" Kitsune announced with a voice that filled the room, "IN THIS CORNER IS THE PANSY WHO CAN BE HEARD ALL THE WAY TO IWA, THE GIRL WITH THE BOY BODY, IT'S PINKIE THE HOWLER MONKEY!"
Sakura was furious as her cheeks were a crimson red. She was so going to kill Naruto or Kitsune or whatever he called himself. He was making her look like a fool.
"AND IN THIS CORNER IS THE GIRL WITH A SET OF LUNGS THAT IT MUST BE A PLEASURE TO BUST HER 'DRUM', THE GIRL THAT LIKES TO SHOW SKIN TO WET EVERY GUYS' PANTS, IT'S STRIPPERELLA!" Kitsune announced.
Ino walked down very angry and she was going to kill Naruto after her match. She didn't care if Asuma tried to stop her. He was going to die. Who gives a flying fuck if Naruto provided what Asuma calls, 'the best shit he's ever smoked'.
Everyone in the room were laughing at this. It didn't show Konoha in the best light really. Tenten sighed and shook her head though there was an amused twitch on her lips.
"NOW GIRLS, LET THE WIMPY SLAPPING BEGIN!" Kitsune shouted.
Both Ino and Sakura looked at each other and nodded. They had a plan. They pulled a couple of shuriken and threw them at each other. They then replace themselves with logs reappearing on the balcony. Once on the balcony they charge at Kitsune with righteous screams of fury. They got to Kitsune and began to pound and beat him into a very bloody pulp. All the males there were scared out of their wits witnessing the sheer carnage before them.
Even the proctor just stared shocked, so shocked he didn't say a thing. Just watched the horror going on above him.
When Ino and Sakura were done all that was left was a blob of flesh that was barely breathing. Blood was everywhere. This appeared to be the worst beating a female has ever done to a male and that counts all the times a certain perverted sannin peeked in on a certain chakra-powered super strength sannin.
"Huh, that was interesting. Didn't think they had that kind of power."
This had everyone turn and find Kitsune alive, whole and totally unharmed. He was standing by the Hokage. This shocked everyone, especially Ino and Sakura, and had them wondering if he is there then who got the very vicious beating? The one who actually got the beating was one Kabuto. Kitsune switched himself with the unsuspecting victim and he had no time to prepare himself for the ruthlessly violent beating he got from Sakura and Ino.
"Uh, Ino and Sakura are disqualified" the judge said after some moments of just stunned silence.
The matches went on then it was Tenten's match, Kitsune's Panda-hime. The greatest kunoichi to ever exist, the goddess of all above and below. The radiant sunshine that nurtures life on this planet. The angel of heaven.
Kitsune began shouting and cheering loud enough to be his own cheering section. In fact that was what he was thanks to his shadow clones. They were all holding up banners and signs ranging from declaring their love for Tenten to rooting for her to kick her opponent's ass.
Tenten blushed hard seeing all the adoration she was getting from Kitsune. She faced off against the grass nin and beat him soundly. It didn't help that whenever the grass nin looked up they'd see the very scary face of Kitsune that promised sheer and utter pain if they hurt Tenten. That distracted the grass nin more than enough.
Tenten won her match and she grinned. Soon a spotlight came down on her and Kitsune walked up holding a lovely rose bouquet.
"Congrats Panda-hime, you've just advanced to the chunin finals. What are you going to do now?" he asked in an overly exaggerated announcer voice as he held a mic.
Tenten shook her head as she sighed.
"Going to rest Kitsune, then train for the finals and hopefully become a chunin in the end" she said into the mic.
(Kitsune Notes: so I was in the drive-thru a while ago and I was ordering, but the damn voice box thing was so muffled that I couldn't hear shit. I had to ask them to repeat themselves so much it sounded like I was hard of hearing. Urgh, I hate that about drive-thrus. Can never get one with a reliable voice box thingy. They're either fine or shit. Never just one. Why can't we when we pull up get a menu with a touch screen and just select what we want. Cut out the middle man in that. It'd save us from having to get pissed off and shout at a microphone at someone who's just doing their job and don't deserve our abuse. I propose that fast food workers who gets an asshole costumer is allowed to smack them a few times to get their supposed humanity back into them.)
"Excellent Panda-hime, we must celebrate. Village wide prank spectacular… AWAY!" Kitsune announced.
Everywhere in the village pranks went off. There was screams, shouts, loud laughter and various other things.
People's clothes vanished leaving them either naked or in hot pink or garish yellow leather bondage outfits. Hair changed to flashy neon colors that actually flashed different bright neon colors. People breaking out in rashes. Some people dancing as low-level exploding tags went off under their feet. All of this going on and then some and it didn't matter if you were affected by one prank since you could be hit by different ones at once. No one was safe. Then there was the fireworks going off everywhere too. Loud ones, so loud they roared like cannon fire. It startled everyone in the entire village.
It was utter chaos.
Hiruzen groaned as he put his head in his hands. He was going to have so much paperwork in front of him now. He so wanted to cry, but couldn't, not in front of everyone. He had to be strong, be a man, a manly man. No tears, not even manly tears could be shed.
Kitsune led Tenten away beaming at her the whole way. Tenten was blushing from Kitsune's adoration he was pouring on her.
The rest of the matches went on after that with Gaara who was still stoned out of his mind that didn't feel anything as his opponent fought him. Gaara ended it after getting so annoyed that some was trying to mess with his high that he used his sand and created a pike the was shoved up the guy's ass. The guy screamed in pain that ended in whimpers of pleasure.
"Hey, I bet you wished that was you Emo Duck" Kitsune said.
Sasuke didn't even answer that, which Kitsune took as a yes.
The match with Tenten's teammate Lee went with Kitsune deciding it needed a mud wrestling theme. He filled the arena with a big pool of mud and when Lee and his opponent got down there their clothes changed to just string thongs.
"This is most unyouthful, I feel this string up my rump" Lee commented.
"At least yours isn't hot pink" his opponent said.
Which was true. Lee's string thong was a garish lime green color.
"NOW FOR THE MUD WRESTLING BEGIN!" Kitsune shouted.
Lee and his opponent fought and mud was flung all over as they grappled. They were compelled to do this even if they didn't want to.
"Kitsune, what did you do?" Tenten asked.
"Eh, just some seals on the floor to make them mud wrestle like the Romans of old did" Kitsune said.
"Kitsune, I'm sure these Romans didn't mud wrestle" Tenten said though she had no clue who these Romans were.
(Kitsune Notes: why are there three Deep Blue Sea movies? The first one was damn perfect, perfect. Why did they have to go and shit on that with subpar to shit-ass sequels that can't even stand on a gimpy leg. Sequel-itis, especially lame-ass sequels that are just riding the coattails of the original that they could never even reach the tenth of the OG. But we're getting off topic. What I really want to talk to you, my fellow citizens, is the terrible waste of supporting characters. For too long side characters, supporting ones have been shunned, ignored for things like plot and development of the mains when they're at times as interesting as staring at pimple hoping it'd burst into flame. Come on, where's the love for the supporting cast, the ones that can and have kicked the mains in ass to actually move the plot forward in some way. They demand satisfaction. They need a Go Fund Me page, a thing. And that my fellows is why there shall never be world peace, there's just too many crappy Netflix rom-coms that don't stand up to the classics like the ones you got in the 90s and early 00s)
"No, they wrestled all oiled up and naked, but I was out of baby oil since I used it all up on something else. And I don't think anyone wanted to see them naked. So this was the compromise" Kitsune said.
Several who heard this were relieved. They really didn't need to see two naked genin covered in baby oil wrestling. Though they were sure this wasn't the happy medium in between.
"YOSH, I WON!" Lee cried then his thong fell off due to the strain it had been put through.
It was a sight that couldn't be unseen. A new horror was created that trumped the dreaded sunset genjutsu.
Afterwards the remaining participants drew lots to see who they would be facing in the finals.
Kitsune looked at what had been writing and nodded.
"Hm, good start, good start" he muttered to himself as he wore a smoker's jacket.
"Kitsune don't you think it's wrong to change the author's original work?" Tenten asked.
"I didn't change it Panda-hime, I spiced up. Plus I didn't change too much. I kept most of it" Kitsune said. "I just added my own flair to it."
End of Chapter
A/N: yeah, so hope you all liked this chap even if it was a re-tread of what had already happened. Thanks for reading and please review.