One
I pull at the hem of my skirt self-consciously before I finally reach up to knock on the door. One of these days I'm going to figure out how to tell Christina 'no' when she insists on dressing me up. For tonight, however, I'm already stuck so I might as well make the best of it. When the door opens and an obviously inebriated Zeke stands in the doorway, I figure that this is going to be a very long night.
"Tris! So good to see you!" He stumbles a bit when he tries to pull me in for a hug. Even though he's one of the truly nicest people in the compound, I still stiffen at his touch slightly. "You've been a full Dauntless member for a month now and still you don't like touching?"
I only shrug, which must be a good enough reply for him because he ushers me into the apartment. People are scattered about, talking and drinking. I swear half the faction is here—even Eric is. From the looks of it, most of them are heavily intoxicated.
"Zeke, am I late? Christina told me eight o'clock."
Zeke doesn't bother trying to conceal his chuckle at my naivety. "No, you're not late, but this is Dauntless: many of them started drinking before they came over."
The answer doesn't surprise me but it does make me regret agreeing to come. Conversing with drunk people is not my favorite pastime. The only reason I am here is because Christina has been on a mission since initiation to set me up with someone. She's been dragging me to every party as part of her plan. Unfortunately, as a leader-in-training, I don't have much time or patience for such pursuits. Not to mention that most guys from our initiate class either are dating someone or have tried to kill me. Both are non starters for me.
"Tris! There you are!" Christina rushes over toward me, pulling Will along behind her. "I told you that dress would look amazing on you!"
"Thanks, thought I swear you hemmed the skirt. I don't remember it being this short when I bought it."
Christina feigns shocked offense. "I would never do such a thing!" Her happy grin gives away the lie.
"So why am I here again?"
"Tris, you're never going to meet anyone—or date anyone—if you don't come out."
"I don't need to date anyone, Christina."
"You can't just work all of the time, Tris."
"You'd be surprised. The leader-in-training program is pretty demanding. I practically have to work all of the time."
Will hands me a drink, looking as if he would apologize for Christina if he could right now. He's always been good at telling when I'm uncomfortable. Christina means well but ever since she moved in with Will she's seemed to believe that the only way I can be happy is if I'm in a relationship. I know it's because she's happy and wants to share happiness with me but it's quickly becoming frustrating.
"Four's here," Christina remarks quietly.
I turn to see Tobias talking with Uriah. "So he is."
"You two seemed close during initiation—well, about as close as someone as intimidating as Four can seem to a person. I always thought you two were secretly dating."
"He was just an instructor looking after his initiates, Christina."
"Are you sure? He's cute. I wouldn't blame you if you liked him, even if he's scary as hell."
"I don't like him. We're just friends."
Christina rolls her eyes at me but doesn't press the subject, thankfully. She pulls Will along as she goes to talk to Marlene who just arrived. My temporary solitude is relaxing. Most of my waking hours are spent in the noisy company of my faction, demanding interaction at all times. Standing here, silently drinking the sugary concoction Will gave me, is the most time I've had awake and not actively talking with someone in a while. It doesn't last long as Tobias interrupts my silent musing when he comes over to say hello.
"How's the Control Room treating you?'
"Fine. How is being a leader-in-training?"
"Good. Time consuming."
Tobias nods at my observation. "Maybe next year they'll have you oversee initiation instead of Eric."
"Maybe."
"I wouldn't mind having to spend that much time with you instead of Eric. It could be fun." He smiles almost shyly at me. It should make me giddy, I'm sure, but it doesn't.
"Well, we're friends so I'd imagine you wouldn't mind." He flinches slightly at the word 'friends'. The reaction annoys me.
"Alright, everyone, gather 'round!" Zeke is shouting half-drunk in the center of the room. "We're going to play Dare. For those of you new to Dauntless, we'll explain the rules, though they're simple."
"As much as I'd love to hear this, I'm going to find the washroom. I'll talk to you a bit later."
I set down my cup and slip away from Tobias before he can object. I head deep into the crowd but then instead of continuing on to the bathroom, I make my way to the front door of the apartment. I quietly slip out before I think anyone notices or stops me.
When I reach the hallway I realize it's still early and I don't really want to go home yet. I could go over to the leaders' offices where my 'temporary' office is and get started on some of what I have to do tomorrow but even the thought of that exhausts me. I could go to the tattoo parlor but I don't have anything I want and Tori is probably at Zeke's right now anyway. Finally, I settle for walking to the Chasm.
As much as this place scares Dauntless members and still is haunted with terrible memories from initiation for me, I find the roar of the water comforting. Something about the inevitability of the current lulls me. The hurtful memories from this place still fight to surface each time I'm here but I push them away tonight as I lean against the railing and look out over the water.
"You left the party to come stand where you were almost killed. Was it really that boring in there?" His voice has a twinge of humor to it that I'm not used to.
I turn and see him leaning his shoulder against the stone wall casually. His eyes hold a glint of laughter. This version of Eric is new to me.
"I didn't really want to play 'Dare' with a large group of people tonight."
"That's rather un-Dauntless of you."
"Is that even a word? Is that why you left Erudite—your vocabulary couldn't keep up?"
He casts his eyes to the ground and smiles slightly before pushing himself off the wall to walk over to me.
"That's funny." He stands next to me, looking out over the Chasm.
"You know, some people actually laugh when they find something funny instead of remarking that it is funny."
"When did you become snarky, Tris?"
"When did you start finding me funny, Eric?"
He shrugs and continues looking out over the Chasm. For now a comfortable silence settles over us and stretches on for a few minutes. As much as I try to let my mind wander, it seems to keep getting stuck on Eric's proximity. I'm hyper aware of the fact that he's merely inches from me. Our shoulders would touch if he barely moved in my direction.
"How is the leader-in-training program?"
"Demanding."
"I remember that part from when I went through it."
"How's…" I pause for a moment because I haven't actually seen Eric since initiation and I have no idea what he's been doing since then. "…whatever you've been doing?"
He chuckles for a moment. "That's a nice way of saying 'what the hell have you been up to, anyway?'"
"To be fair, I haven't seen you since initiation so I don't know what to ask about as far as your work or life is concerned. Not that I'd probably have any idea even if I had seen you."
"True. Well, I just completed a long mission that had me out of the compound for the past month. I just came back today."
"Welcome back, then."
"Thanks."
"You're welcome."
"So if you didn't want to be at the party, why didn't you go home?"
"Are those the only options for any Dauntless member tonight—party or home?"
"No, but it's a logical conclu—"
"There's the Erudite upbringing coming out."
Eric extends his hand toward me, using it to tuck a strand of hair behind my ear. I instantly flush.
"There's the Abnegation upbringing coming out." He wears a self-satisfied smirk. I just roll my eyes.
"Why are you here, anyway, Eric?"
"I saw you leave and was curious why."
"Well, now you know so why are you still here?"
"I thought you might like some company. Maybe even someone who understands how challenging it can be to be a leader-in-training and adjust to being a Dauntless member all at once."
"When did you suddenly want to be my friend?"
He stands up straight at that. "Are you secretly Candor or something? I feel like I'm playing a game of 'Truth' here."
"What's that?" When Eric gives me a disbelieving look, I wave at him. "Former Abnegation, remember?"
"Right—you don't play games. 'Truth' is the same concept as 'Dare' except instead of going around and daring people to do something and taking a drink, you ask each other questions and take a drink."
"What if someone lies when they answer?"
Eric stares at me blankly for a couple seconds. "You shoot them."
"What?!" My voice squeaks slightly as I yell in shock.
"I'm kidding, calm down. If you catch someone lying then you give them a punishment like drinking more or taking off clothing or something else, depending on who you're playing with."
"Sounds like a barrel of laughs."
"It's not that bad. It's really just the same as drinking and talking to someone. The only difference is you get in trouble if you lie." Eric pulls a flask from his pocket. "Here, give it a go. You and I should get to know each other anyway since we'll be working together more in the future, I'm sure."
"Fine." I acquiesce. "Who starts?"
"Well, since you've asked me roughly a million questions already, I'll ask the first question, which means you drink and answer."
I pluck the flask out of his hand, unscrew the cap and take a swig. The liquid burns as it runs down my throat. "OK, shoot."
"Why did you really leave the party?"
Sure, of course he starts with that one.
"You couldn't ask me something easier like what my middle name is?"
"Stop deflecting and answer the question."
"Fine. Christina forced me to go as she forces me to go to every party because she's obsessed with finding someone for me to date. I was getting annoyed by it and didn't want to spend the night with her drunkenly trying to push me toward guys so I left."
"Why does she want to—"
"Nope, I answered your question. Now I ask you one."
"Touche."
"Why did you really leave the party?"
Eric takes a long pull from the flask. "It was boring."
"That's so clearly a lie I'm going to pretend I didn't hear it. Take another drink and honestly answer."
He takes another drink quickly. "I saw you talking to Four and then quickly leave so I thought he might have said something that upset you. I figured you might want to talk about it if he did."
That's weird.
Eric hands the flask back to me so I take a sip as I wait for his question.
"So what is your middle name?"
I have to laugh a little at that one. "Thanks for that. It's Grace, by the way." I press the flask back into his hand.
"You were so mean to me during initiation. Why are you suddenly being nice to me?"
"I'm always mean to initiates. We don't know who will make it so there's no use getting attached. Now that you're a member and going to be a leader, I figured it's time I tried to get to know you." He rests a hand on my wrist, which catches my attention so I look up at him. "I never actually hated you, Tris. It's my job to make initiates strong and brave. I can't do that by being nice."
"Interesting theory." I take the flask from him and tip it back. As I look around me afterwards, I start to really feel the effects of its contents. All of me is starting to feel sluggish.
"You feeling alright, Tris?" Eric's voice is quiet. His eyes hold concern, which is odd.
"Yes. I just don't really drink so it's starting to hit me." My cheeks burn with embarrassment at my admission. "Not very Dauntless, huh?"
His warm smile surprises me just like his touch did earlier. "Don't worry—I won't tell anyone."
"Thanks. It's your turn to ask something, by the way."
"Right. So how many times have you drank before, exactly?"
"Tonight is actually my first. Will gave me a drink earlier that I didn't have much of and now I've had whatever this is."
"OK. Well, tell me if you start feeling bad or if you shouldn't have any more. I'll make sure you get home safely."
"How chivalrous of you. Now I get to ask a question." Eric nods, taking a drink. "Where have you been since initiation?"
A heavy sigh escapes and he shifts uncomfortably before he speaks. "Harrison sent me on a mission out at Erudite after Max and Jeanine were arrested. Like I said earlier, I just got back."
"Why did he—"
"Nope. My turn to ask." I take another small sip, realizing that I should probably stop soon. "Why does Candor want to set you up with someone so much?"
"Candor?"
"Christina."
"Oh. She and Will moved in together and are getting pretty serious, I think. She's really happy and I'm happy for her. She just thinks that I'll be happier if I'm dating someone." I stop for a moment but the liquor has loosened my tongue so I continue. "But really, it's probably that she feels bad that I'm always the third wheel… and she's worried I'll die alone or something."
Eric lets out a hearty laugh at my comment. I don't know why.
"I highly doubt that you'll die alone, Tris. There are plenty of men in Dauntless who would line up to date you. I'm just surprised Christina is trying to make you date—I'd think you'd already have your schedule packed with them."
"Well, being a leader-in-training takes up a lot of my time. I don't get out much."
"I'd think Four would be actively wooing you."
"I'm not interested in Four."
Eric's eyebrows shoot up in surprise. "Why is that?"
"Nope. I already answered your question. I get to ask one."
As I turn to hand the flask to him, the world becomes unsteady. My hand clutches the railing a bit tighter to keep me from swaying and toppling over. For a moment I think I feel Eric's hand touch my waist, pushing me so I'm standing more securely but that must be the alcohol creating that illusion.
"Why do you have so many piercings?" We're standing so we're facing each other now. For the first time I really take in his grey eyes. In another life I might have gotten lost in those eyes for hours.
"The same reason why other people get tattoos and piercings here—to embrace my faction. They make me feel more Dauntless."
"Well, you'd look better without most of them."
"I've never had anyone tell me that before."
"Well, you would."
"Why is that?"
"Oh no, I'm not answering that unless it counts as your question to me this round."
"Fine, it does. But you don't need to drink. I'll take the drink for you." I giggle a little at his offer as he takes a long sip from the flask. "So Tris, why is it that you think I'd look better without most of my piercings?"
"You can't really see your face with them in." I can feel the heat creeping up my neck. While the alcohol begs for me to elaborate, my embarrassment stops me from doing so.
"That's not a real answer, Tris. It borders on lying, really." Eric steps closer to me. There are now less than six inches between us. It's close enough that I have to tilt my head up to maintain eye contact with him.
I know I've lost this battle. I sigh loudly and roll my eyes. "Fine. You actually are really attractive. You have nice eyes and a good smile but they're hidden by all the metal."
The hint of a smile comes across his face. "So you think I'm attractive, eh?"
I swat my hand at his arm. "Whatever. You heard my answer and it's not like anyone hasn't told you that before." My cheeks are probably scarlet right now.
"But you've never told me that before." He glides a finger across my cheekbone. "And it clearly embarrasses you to admit that you're attracted to me."
I push his hand away even though I really want to lean into his touch.
"I never said I was attracted to you; just that you're attractive. Now I get to ask a question." Eric takes another drink. I don't understand how he's still not drunk. "OK, this question may be dumb but how are you able to drink so much?"
"I've drank many times before so my tolerance is much higher than yours. With alcohol, the more times you drink, the more tolerance you build up to it. Speaking of which, do you want to go somewhere else? You're swaying a lot. It might be good for you to sit down. I can also take you home if you want."
"My apartment is a long walk from here and I don't feel like going that far but sitting down might be good."
"I don't want to sound untoward but my apartment is pretty much just down the hall. We could go there."
"Look at you and your Erudite words. I take it back—your vocabulary wasn't the reason you transferred."
"Thank you. I'm very proud of my vocabulary. So what do you want to do?"
"Let's go see this apartment of yours since it's so close."
Eric waves for me to follow him. After a couple steps he slows to walk next to me. When my feet wander to the sides a bit as I walk, his arm snakes around my waist. I let myself lean a little into him to steady my strides. Thankfully, his apartment is as close as he claimed.
"Are you going to be OK standing while I open the door?"
"I'm not that drunk, Eric."
"Tell that to the wall you almost walked into back there."
"Hush. Just open your door already."
I stand up straight, removing my weight from him. He searches his pockets for a few moments before locating his keys and opening the door. I take a step forward but feel myself stumble. Eric's arms quickly catch me around the waist again. I hear him kick the door shut behind us as he guides me to the couch. Once I'm seated he goes to the kitchen and returns with a glass of water that he hands to me.
"Drink it. Trust me when I say that you'll thank me in the morning for making you drink water tonight." I nod and dutifully sip it. "Now, I believe it's my turn to ask a question."
"It is."
"So why aren't you interested in Four?"
My groan is involuntary. "I'm just not."
"But it seemed like you were during initiation and it was obvious that he was interested in you. So why aren't you interested in him now?"
"I guess I didn't want to be with someone who always seemed to want to control me. It just seemed like he only wanted to listen to me when it was convenient for him. Otherwise, he just wanted me to agree with him and do what he wanted."
"He couldn't have been that bad."
"I felt like I was always going to be too stubborn and independent for him. He was always going to see me as reckless, like a child."
"Well, I can say you're definitely not reckless. Brave to a fault and possibly to the point of stupidity, yes. But not reckless."
"It doesn't matter anyway. That's why I'm not with Four."
"Sorry things didn't work out."
"No you're not—you hate him."
"You're right, I'm not sorry. So, question from you now."
"Why did Harrison send you to Erudite?"
"He's mad at me about Max and the whole plot to destroy Abnegation so this mission was my punishment."
"That doesn't make sense. Weren't you cleared during your trial of any wrong doing?"
"I was. Harrison is upset because I knew about the plan but didn't tell him about it. Instead I just led you and Four to the right information so it could be stopped in time."
I wasn't expecting that response. It almost causes me to choke on my water.
"Wait. What?"
"Weren't you at the trial?"
"No, I wasn't."
"Oh, well, all of this came out during the trial." Eric stares at me for a few seconds, assessing my response. "Come on, you couldn't have believed that Four could really get at secure files that easily. I put them on Max's computer myself where he'd find them to make it easier for Four. I knew that between the two of you, you'd find a way to shut it down and warn Abnegation. Harrison is still just mad that I didn't tell him straight away."
"Why didn't you?" The words are out before I can stop myself.
"I'll let that extra question slide this time. I didn't tell Harrison because I wasn't sure if he could be trusted or not. We've never had a good relationship and for all I knew he could have been working with Max and Jeanine. I couldn't risk him being an informant for them and turning me in. So instead, originally I went with the person who I knew had the technical skill to stop the program if needed and who I knew would never, ever align with Erudite."
"Four."
"And then you got involved, which both made me confident that the attack would be stopped but also worried me."
"Why?"
"Why what?"
"Either one or both—why did it make you more confident and why did it make you worried?"
"You know, it's technically my turn to ask the questions. I'll answer though. I felt more confident because I knew how brave you were from watching you in training. I knew that you would always protect people who you knew couldn't or wouldn't protect themselves. But I was worried because I didn't want you to get hurt."
"Oh."
"Not the answer you were expecting, I know."
"Well, the attack was stopped. That's all that matters so Harrison needs to get over it." I offer the reply simply and with finality.
"Agreed. OK. Now a question for you: what are you looking for in someone to date?"
"That's a weird question. Why the interest in this?"
"Stop deflecting. Answer."
"OK. Let me think." I glance around the room and pull my hair up into a ponytail as I think. This is difficult because I've never had to explain it to anyone.
"I guess it's more than some things; it's more of an overall feeling. But as far as qualities, I want someone who respects my independence and treats me like his equal. I don't know. I've never had to explain this before to anyone."
"It's OK. It's a difficult question."
I shift in my seat and feel my stomach turn over. I feel like I'm going to be sick.
"Eric, where's your bathroom?"
"First door on the left." Eric stands as he says it, as if he knows exactly why I'm asking.
I stumble through the door and close it behind me. I barely make it to the toilet before I start heaving. I'm glad that I put my hair up a moment ago. Right now it's one less thing to deal with.
After a couple minutes there's a soft tap on the door.
"Tris?" Eric's voice comes through the door. "Tris? Can I come in?"
"I'm fine." It might have sounded convincing if I wasn't heaving between words, but I am.
I shouldn't be surprised that I hear the click of the door opening. I hear Eric shuffling around me until he situates himself to sit on the tiled floor behind me. He sets a glass of water on the floor next to me.
"I know you said you're fine but you didn't sound like you were. No offense, but you also don't look like you're fine."
His hand begins rubbing circles on my back. My spine stiffens automatically at his touch. He must notice because his hand drops.
"Sorry, I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I just meant to try to help you feel better."
"It's OK. I'm not uncomfortable. It's just an involuntary response at this point."
His hand tentatively returns to rubbing my back. As I continue to be sick, a fresh wave of embarrassment hits me. Eric is witnessing a completely mortifying moment in my life. I'm going to only see him more and more as I go through the leader-in-training program, especially since he's back from his mission, and I don't know how I'm going to face him after this episode.
"I brought you another glass of water. It helps to rinse your mouth, I've found. Plus, you're going to be dehydrated."
"Thanks. That was thoughtful." I sit up straight and look around for it until Eric places the glass in my hand. After rinsing my mouth I drink about half of it before placing it back on the floor.
"How are you feeling?"
"A bit better. Kind of tired."
"OK. Let me know if you get too tired. I can take you home or you can stay here or whatever you would like."
"Thanks."
The chill from the tile is increasingly cold on my flesh. Without realizing it, I've begun shivering slightly. Once I become conscious of it, however, I can't stop.
"Cold?" Eric asks.
I nod. He pulls his sweater off in one motion and pulls it down over my head. I push my arms through and pull the hem down over the rest of my torso.
"Thank you." I'm still shivering as I say it. The sweater helped but the chill is still cutting through me.
"Still cold?" Eric's face still is filled with concern. It seems so odd to see him like this.
The Abnegation in me wants to dispel his concern. "I'll be fine."
After several seconds of staring at me disbelievingly, he gets a determined look on his face.
"Come here," is all he says before wrapping his arms around me and pulling me over so I'm sitting across his lap. The side of my body is pressed against his torso. He begins rubbing his hands along my arms to warm them. "I'm sorry if this makes you uncomfortable but I just can't let you sit there and shiver like that."
"It's OK." Oddly enough, I mean it because I don't feel uncomfortable. My brain tells me I should, though. It must be the alcohol.
"How are you feeling? Going to throw up on me?"
"Hopefully not but I'm sorry if I do."
"Don't worry about it. I won't tell anyone about any of this, even if you do throw up on me."
"Thank goodness," I sigh in relief.
Eric just laughs. "I've had my share of nights in the bathroom after drinking. Trust me when I say I'm not judging you right now."
I smile and let myself press closer to him. I focus on his heartbeat and steady breathing, which prove helpful in stopping my feeling of vertigo. Eric rests his chin on the top of my head in silence. One of his hands still slowly strokes my arm but now it's more of a soothing gesture than one meant to warm me. It has its desired effect and I feel my eyes droop more and more with each passing second.
"Tris, wake up." I'm not sure how long I've been asleep but I'm still sitting across Eric's lap, leaning against him.
"How long have I been asleep?" I push myself away from his chest so I can look up at him even though the moment I do I feel cold and strangely lonely.
"Only a few minutes. This can't be comfortable for you, though."
"Or you. I'm sorry."
"Stop apologizing. I was the one who initiated it, remember?"
"I know, but still—"
"I didn't wake you up so you could apologize. Actually, I just wanted to ask if you wanted to just stay here tonight. I can walk you back to your apartment if you would prefer that but I don't know if all of your friends will still be there."
"They will." And since the room still spins every time I move, I'm not sure I can walk that far.
"Well, if you want, you can stay here. You can stay in my room and I'll take the couch."
"Are you sure?" My question is punctuated with a yawn, which just makes Eric chuckle.
"Yes. Come on, I'll show you where it is and get you something to wear."
I slide off his lap so he can stand. Once he does, he extends his hands down to help me up. He pulls me to my feet, which still feel unsteady beneath me. His hand slides to my waist, steadying me. He doesn't remark on it but he leaves his hand on my waist, his arm wrapped around me as he guides me through the apartment. When we reach his bedroom I sit down on the bed so Eric can riffle through his dresser until he finds a t-shirt and a pair of drawstring shorts that he brings over to me.
"These will be comically large on you but they'll be more comfortable than wearing that dress, I imagine." He grabs another set of clothes from the dresser and walks back to the door. "I'll leave so you can change. I'll come check on you in a few minutes before I go to sleep."
The shirt is comically large when I pull it over my body. The hem of it actually falls lower on my legs than the hem of my dress did. The shorts, even with a drawstring, are just too large and won't stay on me. I stop trying and instead fold them and set them back on top of the dresser.
I take a moment to look around the room once I've sat back down on the bed. Aside from the dresser, bed, a nightstand and lamp, there isn't any furniture. The decorations are sparse. For a moment it seems as though I could be in an Abnegation room right now. The only difference is a few books sitting on the nightstand. I slip under the bedspread and finger each book momentarily as I take in their titles.
Eric knocks softly on the door and waits until I call out to enter. He's changed into a tank top and shorts. He crosses the room and sets a glass of water on the nightstand.
"You and water," I tease.
"You're going to have a terrible hangover tomorrow I'm just trying to help you mitigate it." He looks around the room for a moment. "Shorts didn't fit?"
"No. The shirt is longer than my dress was though, so that helps."
He chuckles. "I'm not at all surprised considering the large difference in our heights. I take it from the lack of falling or banging noises that you were able to get changed without incident."
"Yes. You're so formal." I pat the bed beside me. "You can sit, you know."
It takes a couple seconds for Eric to contemplate it before deciding to sit on the edge of the bed. He seems like he feels awkward. I notice him fidgeting; it's something I've never seen him do before.
"Eric, are you nervous?"
"Of course not."
"Eric, remember the rules of the game. No lying."
"We're still playing?"
"Of course we're still playing. It's my turn, too. Why are you nervous?"
"I'm just not used to having someone here and I don't want to accidentally make you uncomfortable. I feel like I'm going to do something to mess up."
"You don't need to worry." In fact, the idea that he is worrying at all or caring for me still seems strange and new. This isn't the Eric I met during initiation. "You're so different than I thought you were during initiation." I can thank the alcohol in my system for that involuntary admission.
"What exactly did you think about me during initiation? Don't hold anything back."
"Even if I wanted to, alcohol seems to be worse than truth serum, I think."
"I've had truth serum. I'll tell you truth serum is like being very drunk but without the nausea and hangover. Now answer."
"You're so pushy sometimes." He simply raises an eyebrow at me. "OK, OK. I thought you were ruthless, dangerous and cruel. While I did think you were attractive, I thought your piercings were grotesque. I always wondered what made you so cruel and unfeeling."
"Why did you think I was cruel?"
"You did hang my best friend over the chasm and have my instructor throw knives at me."
"True but those things had a purpose."
"Which was?"
"Maintaining order and pushing you further than you probably thought you could go. Christina gave up during her first fight. I didn't want her to think that she could just always give up. As a soldier, giving up equates to death often times. And you with the knives, that…" he pauses for a while, clearly searching for words to explain. "I wanted to see if you were really brave or just putting up a front to protect your friend and get me to back down. So I tried to call your bluff but it turned out you really were that brave. You still are."
"I didn't think about it that way."
"There was always a reason for what I did, Tris. You just didn't always see it and I couldn't tell you it."
"I suppose so."
"I should let you go to sleep. Good night." Eric begins to rise but my hand shoots out, grasping his arm before he can get very far.
"No, wait." I keep my grasp firm and my eyes locked on his.
"This may sound childish but will you stay here with me? It's nice to have someone here for once."
"I don't think that's a good idea, Tris."
"Why not?"
"Because you're drunk right now so you think a lot of things are a good idea when they're not. In the morning you'll feel embarrassed if you wake up to me next to you in bed."
"No, I won't."
"Fine, then it's my turn to ask a question now." He shifts uncomfortably for a moment. I can't imagine why asking me a question would make him uncomfortable. "Tris, how many fears do you have?"
That particular question was not what I was expecting for multiple reasons. "Eric, you saw my fear landscape during Stage Three. You know I have seven. Hell, you know what they are."
"Let me rephrase my question then: do you still have the same seven fears you had during Stage Three?"
"As far as I know, yes. Nothing has happened that would make them change, though I haven't checked since initiation."
"Exactly. That's why I shouldn't stay here with you." I don't try to hide my confusion. I'm not following his thought process on this. "Tris, you were embarrassed just to tell me that you think I'm attractive. You will panic in the morning if I'm here and I'll have to spend a lot of time convincing you nothing inappropriate happened. It's better if I sleep on the couch. Really."
I huff at his reasoning. He's treating me like a child who can't make her own decisions. It's just like everyone else.
"Then at least stay until I fall asleep. You can leave after that. I just like having someone to talk to." I yawn halfway through the sentence, proving how tired I am.
"OK."
I pat the other side of the bed toward the head of it, indicating for Eric to move so he's on my left. I catch his quick eye roll before he stands up and walks around to the other side of the bed. He switches the overhead light off before pulling himself across the mattress so he's lying with his shoulders against the headboard next to me.
I roll over on my left side so I can look at him in the dim glow of the bedside lamp. I've never been this close to him for this long. I don't know that I've been this close to any man for this long before now, especially not in a bed. Right now I can smell his soap or maybe it's his cologne. Whatever it is smells deep and spicy and like the forests that surround Amity.
"You smell like trees."
Eric smiles and his chest shakes with laughter barely contained. "You make interesting observations, Tris. I don't think anyone has ever remarked on my scent."
"Well now someone has. Although I'd prefer you not tell me what I smell like right now."
Eric reaches a hand over and adjusts the blankets so they're tighter around me.
"Don't worry, I wouldn't do that. Besides, I know you usually smell like soap and a faint flower—maybe lilac."
My eyebrows crinkle. Why does Eric know this? "Well, look at us, smelling like trees and flowers."
"Yes, we're quite the duo right here."
I shift, wiggling until I'm up against his side, my head resting beside his rib cage.
"Still cold?"
"A bit. I think sitting on the floor made me permanently cold."
"I can get you another blanket."
"Don't worry about it. I'll warm up. You'll need the blanket for sleeping on the couch anyway."
"True."
It catches me off guard when Eric taps his chest with his left hand, motioning me to shift so I'm lying against it. When I move, his right arm wraps around me and he begins adjusting the bedspread to cover me better. Since he's still lying on top of the covers, there's only so much they'll move.
"Eric, stop being so paranoid and move so you're under the covers. I won't bite and I won't panic."
For once, Eric doesn't say anything but just listens. He pulls me back over to him once he's situated himself beneath the bedspread. I lay my head back on his chest and wait while he adjusts the blanket so it's tucked over my shoulders. There's a brief moment when I can tell that he can't figure out what to do with his hands—whether he should wrap his arms around me on top of the covers or if it's safe to leave them around me as they are right now. After a few moments of fidgeting and starts and stops, he must decide it's fine to stay as is and lets out a sigh.
"Are you comfortable?" He asks quietly, his right hand gently stroking the top of my arm.
"Yes, Eric. Stop asking."
"Sorry, I just want to make sure you'll be able to fall asleep. That's all."
With my ear against his chest, I can feel the vibrations of his deep voice as he talks. The sound of his breathing is steady but his heart beat sounds quick; like he just got done running a long distance.
"Eric, why is your heart beating so fast?"
"I was just moving around. Your heart rate increases with physical activity."
"Thank you, Dr. Eric." I roll over so my chin rests on his chest and I'm looking directly into his eyes. "But your heart rate is still too fast to be explained by that. No lying, remember?"
"I don't think it's your turn to ask a question, Tris."
"Fine, you ask one."
"No."
"You're avoiding having to eventually answer my question."
"I never said that."
"You didn't have to. It's obvious. I'm making you uncomfortable, aren't I?" I pull away from him slightly at my realization. Guilt burns on my face. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to—"
"Tris, stop. You're not making me uncomfortable. A little nervous, maybe." He pulls me back toward him so my chin is back to resting on his chest. His right hand starts rubbing soft circles on my back again.
"Eric, are you really scared of a little girl from Abnegation?"
He smirks at me for a moment. "No, I'm slightly terrified of the new Dauntless leader-in-training who just ranked first in initiation and has half as many fears as I do. She's pretty scary." He stops to brush a strand of hair from my face. "I don't know any little girls from Abnegation."
"Why are you scared of me?"
"You were telling me earlier how you thought I was cruel and basically evil during initiation. Now I'm lying in bed with you while you're drunk and not wearing pants."
My laughter erupts immediately at his last words.
"I didn't know not wearing pants was such a problem for you, Eric. You know, I haven't been wearing pants at any point tonight. I'll have to remember that you like people to wear pants at all times. Maybe I should write this down so I don't forget and accidentally wear a dress or skirt again."
Eric lets out an exasperated groan. "That's not what I meant, Tris."
"So what is it?"
"You're essentially half-naked in my bed. This seems like a recipe for disaster."
"Well, you know what my seventh fear is so I doubt it will."
"Your fear is part of why this seems ill-fated, Tris."
I can't help but roll my eyes at him. "Oh, please." I roll back so I'm on my side again with my ear against his chest. "I hardly believe I'm so irresistible that you can't keep your hands off me. I'm sure we'll be just fine."
"Weirder things have happened, Tris."
"Yeah, like you taking care of me?"
"Alright, alright, point taken. Go to sleep." He sounds annoyed.
"Good night, Eric," I eek out around a yawn. Before I can register anything else, sleep overtakes me.