Disclaimer: Me no own a damn thing and I'm cool with that.
A/N: This one-shot was prepared, powdered and fluffed for my 100th reviewer: shortiepurk. And out of all the things they could've requested they actually wanted my AU versions of J & M from my trilogy. So here's another go round by request in Maura's POV.
_Bring The Pain: Episode 1 - Pilot_
"I would rather watch Bob Vila do his 'This Old House' or that damn Honey Boo-Boo-Boo shit or even that show with all the beards than Sex Sent Me To The E.R.!" Jane all but whines and its taking a lot of effort not to laugh yet. Since this experiment is strictly for my amusement. "Please Maura, I can't stand to watch those horrible re-enactors or the actual people that inspired this wiggling hot mess! It's so bad that I can't even make fun of it to the degree it screams for."
I suppress a smile and shake my head at Jane's antics, "What show are you talking about with all the beards?"
"I think it's called Duck Dynasty." Jane makes a face at what is playing out on the television screen. "They even have their own brand of wine. Want me to snag you a bottle?"
I turn up the volume slightly with the remote.
"That's not funny!" Jane proclaims loudly but I can hear the repressed laughter in her voice. "You can't just drown me out to the sounds of some stupid chick who was dumb enough to let her new husband take charge of the remote control to her vibrating panties in a grocery store of all places. I mean why in the hell would you want to get off there? Does broccoli make them horny or something? Is that a new fetish?"
I must say that this is going splendidly but for optimum results I need to maintain my composure, which will be difficult. I agree with Jane that the actors featured are horrible but I also surmised that is the whole point of 'trashy TV.' This show peaked my interest only because I knew that its contents would bother Jane and for me that was a worthwhile venture since my spouse loves to tease me at any given time. Reprisals are a part of life and a good-natured one aimed at the one I love most is harmless but not painless because this is Jane that I'm speaking of. I feel the sofa cushions move under me due to Jane shifting her weight dramatically in a fashion that is reminiscent of a young child at the beginning of a tantrum. I can barely keep the smile off my face and the 'best of' portion of this episode is just seven minutes in.
"Oh my, now there's a head scratcher mystery." Jane's sarcasm is not difficult to detect nor is it a shock that it's currently being employed. "A lesbian comes in with stomach cramps only to find out that oops she's pregnant and didn't have the first damn clue. I hope her girlfriend was smart enough to figure out that she's been cheating on her with someone who likes to sow the seeds of love with their penis."
"She didn't cheat, Jane." I adjust the volume to back to a sensible level. I hadn't planned on passively attack Jane that way but I must say it's proving to be effective. "If you had been paying closer attention you would've heard that her girlfriend was intersex, but didn't know she was capable of impregnating a woman since she had no visible testicles."
Jane nods her head, "A chick with a dick, huh? Now there's something you don't see every day."
A commercial break finally happens and Jane takes the opportunity to grab her wine off the coaster on the center table. She actually finishes the remains in one swallow which is certainly not how one goes about appreciating the taste. Normally, Jane would have her feet up on the table to annoy me but not tonight. Oddly she has done everything that I've wanted to do tonight but then again it was all prearranged a few days ago. I find it only fair that between watching baseball with her and 80's and 90's rerun television shows that she watch something of my choosing from time to time. However, tonight's selection wasn't chosen solely for my recreational enjoyment. Jane really should learn to never to subject me to a television program about hoarders.
"How did they know!" Jane exclaims as the infomercial currently paying for a time slot in this show tries to sell its wares. "I've always wanted to make noodles out of a vegetable. See, this is why I've always said that no one understands me!"
I shift closer to the armrest and intently focus on not laughing. Jane would find a way to break that cooking apparatus so she wouldn't have to use it again or even once. Jane would never deign to make something she has absolutely no love for; pasta that is healthy, and not a full fat recipe.
"Oh goodie the show is back." Jane claps her hands together with a slightly deranged smile. "Thank God, because I was just dying over here from the suspense. Someone better tell them to stop playing with my emotions like that."
I shake my head and turn up the volume once more. Playing aloof in this is key and I'm finding it rather fun. Fair is fair since Jane has her own gambit for amusing herself at my expense sometimes. Jane after all insists on referring to Bass as turtle even though she knows better. Not to mention Jane also deliberately mispronounces certain words to get me to correct like I do with Bass. I've resorted to playing along though. But at first until I realized what Jane was doing I found her attempt at that kind of humor rather frustrating.
"Okay, I get it." Jane pouts in an exaggerated fashion. "Dr. Isles is conducting ethnic-rhino polygraph research."
I roll my eyes at Jane's deliberate mispronunciation of ethnographic research which I did once in the form of watching some horrendous program called 'Jersey Shore.' But I believe my silence is bothering Jane almost as much as the program. Though right now while watching the latest reenactment I find it unusual that a hundred and ten pound woman would want or rather crave sexual relations with a four hundred pound man. Just envisioning the ordeal seems physically dangerous for her and as it turned out it was.
"Talk about knocking a hole in the drywall." Jane's tone is a wry chuckle. "I wonder how that woman explained her concussion to her insurance. I hope she had insurance before she decided to bump pelvises with Jake and the Fatman."
I have to close my eyes and bite my lip to keep from laughing. I end up turning up the volume again. I won't turn the volume up to a level that would cause hearing damage but it is beginning to border on annoying.
"I'm going to snatch that remote out of your hand Maur if you do that again."
I ignore Jane's hollow threat and silently watch several more embarrassing scenarios transpire. I find myself wondering how bored these people must have gotten being intimate with their partner to behave in this way. Do they really not get any enjoyment out of how the act feels that they felt they had to resort to exhibitionism in most cases to achieve some satisfaction? Through my internal musing I notice that Jane has completely stilled her fidgeting and running commentary.
"Jane, you're awfully quiet for a change." I muse while adjusting the volume down again with the remote. The show is almost over which means it's acceptable to break the protocols I set forth before I began my little reprisal experiment.
"Hmm, I just thought I would silently wait for the whole conjugal visit gone wrong scenario." Jane retorts and then laughs briefly. "Picture it: Bondage prison style with shivs, shoelaces and soap on a rope."
"None of those items are issued to inmates in prison now, Jane."
"You just had to ruin it didn't you, your honorable smarty-pants." Jane moves closer to me on the sofa. I accidently snort a little and sneak a glance at her but Jane doesn't notice because she's making a face at the television again. "A three hour long orgasm? Come on!"
"It's entirely possible Jane and extremely painful by the way considering how over worked her pubococcygeus muscle would have been at that stage."
"I don't care about her Pollyanna muscle Maura!" Jane's exasperation is clear, present and entertaining. "What is it with these people? I swear that the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead!"
This is far too enjoyable and I fear that when Jane knows the true intent behind my selection; well that could prove to be a very interesting interaction. I keep my eyes on the screen even as Jane shifts more on the sofa until her thigh is pressed against mine. I wonder if she's somewhat aroused by all these constant mentions of sex? Then the last reenactment showcases something that I couldn't have anticipated. I have to say of all the items a married heterosexual couple would choose to use in a sexual act that is unexpected.
"A carrot in the ass? Really?"
I very nearly laugh at Jane's quip but thankfully I'm far too engrossed in discerning what kinds of rectal problems the woman's husband encountered when the carrot broke off during use to notice Jane.
"Okay that's it, Maur. I'm done."
I turn my head to look at Jane fully for the first time since we sat down. She's suitably horrified, clearly irritated, and I think she looks endearingly cute.
"Care to diagnose what's wrong with these people, Dr. Isles?" Jane stands up from the sofa. "Or would you rather haul them into court and give them some time. I'm sure that more than a few of them would love to be someone's bunk bitch in the joint." I finally laugh at Jane as she most likely retreats to our bedroom since its getting late and the both of us work tomorrow. "I knew you were making me watch that shit so you could laugh at me." She shouts from the top of the stairs. "I should make you sleep on the sofa for that."
I chuckle to myself and shut off the television. There is no way Jane would ever follow through with that threat either. She thoroughly enjoys all of our nocturnal activities far too much the same as I do.
Soundtrack:"Gossip Folks" & "Can't Stop" by Missy Elliott
A/N 2: I was laugh-crying while writing this. I hadn't written these two in almost a year but damn if it wasn't like riding a bike. Hope this is kinda what you wanted and that it made you laugh too 'shortie.'