Disclaimer: It's plain to me that I don't own the characters. There will be no profits being channeled my way for doing this.
A/N: I really didn't see myself writing about a certain kind of movie that was recently made available on Netflix since the whole premise, not to mention genre, makes me want to throw up on my shoes. At any rate, making fun of such a priceless work of cinema was no difficult task so here we are. Now let's get on with it. Jane-Lo POV as per usual since there will be sarcasm present at all times. So enjoy yourself or not?
_Bring The Pain : Episode 6_
Jane is on the verge of announcing to Maura, sarcastic as hell of course, that she's going to have to call the fire department soon because Jane's pussy is on fire. For Jane, seeing a strapping hunk of man kidnapping a lady to hold her hostage and watch her sleep in the name of falling in love is top tier on the ultimate horniess scale. For real though, Jane's the state of personal lubrication downstairs couldn't be more the opposite. Jane is high and dry there while the rest of her is extremely disgusted, fucking disturbed and irritated more than anything else. There are so many things present in the movie Jane is quietly and angrily half-watching that aren't going to inspire anything in Jane other than perhaps getting her Glock out and shooting the television point blank to put an end to it. But that would be a touch too much. One of the accurate depictions of overkill though Jane thinks no matter how satisfying it would be to an extent. Though, if Jane were to put five or six bullet holes in Maura's 'IMAX is secretly jealous as fuck' flat screen then Jane would be a single lady again but with a cell mate up in McLean which is Boston's finest loony bin.
Jane glances over at Maura and immediately gets a bad taste in her mouth. Maura is into this shit or pretending to. But either way, Jane has already decided that she's not going to give Maura too much grief about it. Yet. It depends on how far the movie takes their Stockholm Syndrome plot device. Jane suspects they'll take it to the max since this is no doubt a single finger salute to what they feel is that terribly outdated 50 Shades Trilogy. Or worse who ever is responsible for this movie is an overachiever and thought they could improve on that hot mess dumpster fire. Jane quickly got the fixation for about five minutes or less with Massimo. He's tall, dark and Italian and that's so Maura's kryptonite. Jane is living proof of that weakness in Maura. But goddamn once the movie's plot, if you honestly feel like calling it that, went into full effect Jane just wanted to kick Massimo's perfect teeth in. Jane can't find one fucking thing about this movie that's supposed to do it for her. Jane has come to the conclusion that you've got to be not only the horniest bitch on the couch to like what this movie has to offer but the thirstiest motherfucker and a little brain dead too.
Jane rolls her eyes and slouches down in the couch, "I swear if he says that dumb fucking line one more time."
Maura shifts in her seat, "Huh?"
Jane scoffs at Maura's distracted tone and then attempts to lower her voice to hopefully sound like the most douchebag chad to ever turn on the smarm, "Are you lost baby girl?" Jane rolls her eyes again and makes a face that suggests something worse cropped up in Denmark other than something rotten. "God, I'm done with it already. The woman is an idiot with no personality from what I can see and that 'you will let me fuck your face' scrotum sack is even worse." Jane turns her head to glare at Maura's profile until the other woman finally turns her head to meet Jane's gaze. "Admit it, this is a low-grade wannabe porn movie. "
Maura nods and produces the remote from somewhere beside her; out of snatching distance, otherwise Jane would've long since made a grab for it to save her eyes and ears. Jane thinks it's a real tragedy that brain bleach, for all of life's varying degrees of mental stains that inevitably leads to scarring, is not an actual thing. Maura pauses the movie and then pivots in her seat enough to face Jane better.
Maura grins playfully, "This is one of Netflix's top recommended movies. Though it has been critically panned for more than just the reasons you've stated." Maura tucks some of her hair that has escaped her low ponytail behind her ear. "But to be honest with you, I was simply curious about it. However, given what we've seen thus far I don't see it has any entertainment value beyond the taboo themes." Maura smirks and leans in closer; just enough to be a tease. "Having said that though, I can write far better, healthier erotica as you are highly aware of."
Jane feels a blush coming on, "Yeah, there's no disputing that." Jane is Maura's go-to test subject for her writing and Jane has gotten a first-look at some of Maura's sexy writing exercises that she does when she takes a break from cooking up tales from her science nerd mysteries. "And since you're a writer and all tell me why would a woman write this? And I know it was a woman since 50 Slimy Shades exists because of some wahman."
Maura chuckles and nods her head briefly, "A woman did write this, Blanka Lipinska to be precise. The book trilogy and the screenplay of the movie to be exact too just like E.L. James."
Jane puffs out her cheeks, she's not surprised that some other woman came along to put her own spin on what can only be considered as a classic by now. Jane arches an eyebrow at Maura, "You and I both know that the only reason a person would do something like this is to get attention. To make money." Jane blindly gestures at the screen with one hand which is a frozen scene of the Massimo with his hairy tits out, watching Laura sleep again which is certifiably creepy as fuck. "This is a naked fuckfest cash grab. Plain and simple."
Maura smiles and leans on her side more into the back of the couch and then props up her head with her hand, "I agree that it does glorify rape culture. Has no concept of consent and everything about the relationship being exhibited is questionable and highly toxic."
Jane smiles because Maura can't just say you're right and this movie is shit but lets watch it anyway. Jane smirks and crosses her arms over her chest, "I bet it all goes downhill from the moment that Massimanho hits it and quits it."
Maura laughs and her smile goes bright, "I'm not so sure about that since he has been obsessed with Laura for five years." Maura's smiles dims and then she gets that deep-thinking look she gets when her big brain up-shifts into a higher gear. "Though it is possible, purely in a hypothetical sense, that after some time passes and if they truly got to know one another past carnal pursuits, it's likely that they would realize their incompatibility." Maura sighs and then moves her palm off her cheek and pivots on the couch again. "But then one mustn't overlook that Massimo is overly dominate and Laura is an object to him, something to possess, own even which is not what anyone should want as a relationship goal."
Jane forces her expression into something serious to stave off the need to laugh at Maura's adorable but relentlessly nerdy word vomit, "That's a very profound observation, Dr. Isles and I concur." Jane's mouth quirks up into a lop-sided smirk. "So can we skip the rest of this drivel or do we really need to see if the too sexy calendar movie dares to showcase some hardcore titty-fucking which leads to fellatio since the dick's right there at her mouth like a real porno?"
Maura's brow furrows with fine lines and she tilts her head to the side other side away from her hand it had been resting on, "Mammary intercourse?"
Jane flinches while her mouth twists into a grimace, "You know I hate it when you use the word...intercourse. And mammaries, really?"
"That is the proper term for breasts." Maura shrugs and one side of her top slips down enough to reveal some collar bone and a hint of a black bra strap. "What's wrong with it?"
Jane smiles, "Nothing. You know me, boobs are boobs and everyone can get their tits out at any given time. Male or female, doesn't matter."
Maura laughs again and then turns to face the ginormous flat screen again that's still frozen on Beefy-Tits who could be on a poster advertising: 'Shit, Shower and for Fucks Sake Shave!'. Jane reluctantly watches her dreams, of not being further subjected to mommy porn adapted into a movie, die as Maura uses the remote to unpause the absolute disaster some seriously stupid people bank-rolled into getting made. Though those same rich idiots are making bank because there is always going to be a market for this. Jane guesses that as long as you're not required to watch it there are worse investments to be made. But not by much. Jane sighs and uncrosses her arms and slouches down in the couch again. There are some things that you just can't win. However, if it gets to be too much Jane is going to get up and leave before this movie destroys her libido indefinitely. Jane settles in to accept her fate for now but she's only going to keep quiet for so long. She can endure only so much without expressing her objections or just buckle under the pressure to make fun of it because it will come to a point where the movie will be begging for it.
As the minutes drag on, and they really do, Jane listens to a catty-catty bitch-fest raging between Massimanho and his temporarily reluctant hole. Jane moves her hands off her face just in time to catch asshat choking Laura in a rip-off 'Pretty Woman' dressing room scene but obviously with more assault and less consent. Jane can't make herself really watch the torturous movie. She's been more or less squinting enough to make the things on the screen blurry. But right now the option of looking away isn't possible. Jane grits her teeth. This is like a damned ten car pile-up style wreck. Once again Massimanho is watching Miss Stockholm Syndrome 2020 sleep pretty from his position of lying in the same bed beside her without an invitation. Jane bets he's the type that cops a feel when you're asleep and then slips it in with a little spit once he gets it up. Jane watches Miss Stockholm wake up and then calmly announce that she's going to have a shower to her kidnapper. Jane rolls her eyes as it's revealed that the showers are like something you'd see in a fancy locker room. Where this is going is obvious and with this kind of movie Jane bets there's going to be a shot of some limp dick as Massimanho struts into the shower like a proud hairy peacock.
Jane makes a face because when you're right you're right. The actor's floppy dangler or prosthetic or the newest CGI for rendering foreskin for all to see is on the screen in high definition, "And whoomp, there it is! Wang! Wish I didn't see that one coming but I did. Aren't we clever?"
Maura chuckles under her breath but otherwise doesn't say anything and why would she? They've been doing this routine for years now. Jane barely contains her cringe when psycho fuckboy asks Miss Stockholm if she likes the look of his cock and then he gets all up in her horribly violated personal space and asks if she'd like to touch it which is code for suck it. Jane rolls her eyes yet again and then reaches up and presses the heels of her hands into her poor eyes. Jane stays like that awhile. She's going to have to find something truly diabolical to subject Maura to in retaliation for this. Fair is fair after all but the trouble is if Jane went the gratuitous fake sex route then she'd be willingly torturing herself with it and that shit ain't cool. Jane hears the modern fairy tale couple having a tiff and then there's a sad scream followed by a splashing sound. Jane moves her hands off her face to see the heroic effort of Massimanho jumping off his yacht to save Miss Stockholm. Jane shakes her head. He pushed her overboard to finish the job of mentally breaking her fragile little mind so he can get the 'V' already.
Jane sighs and puts her feet up on the low table in front of the couch. Once more there's a scene of the woman who would be a sex doll sleeping and Massimanho watching her like the chode he is. Jane rolls her eyes again at how creative this writer and the whole team responsible for this work of art was and Jane bets they're the type of people to call it art with a straight face while checking the balance in their bank accounts. Miss Stockholm Syndrome 2020 wakes up and goddamn it Jane knows exactly what's going to happen next. The woman is going to be grateful to him for saving her life in the form of getting on her knees, on her back, letting him fuck her from behind and any other way he's up for giving it to her harder and faster on every surface because that's a thing to do. Jane thinks Massimanho looks about as smug as he is eager while watching his hard work of romancing finally paying off with interest. And sure enough Miss Stockholm wastes no time in getting on her knees while she goes grabbing for his cock like it's the last wiener on the last hotdog cart for miles and she hasn't eaten in days.
Jane makes a face and moves in her feet off the low table before scooting to the edge of the couch. She's officially had enough. Maura wins this round easily and throwing in the towel is not beneath Jane if it keeps her out of therapy, "Isn't that special. Nothing says 'you will fall in love with me, baby girl' like suck it bitch and don't you dare neglect my balls while you're down there."
Maura laughs and finally looks away from the screen to grin at Jane. Maura really does have a beautiful smile but right now Jane is not susceptible to it. Jane can unfortunately see in her peripheral vision that here's some daring fake fucking happening on the screen and again Jane thinks this movie couldn't be more predictable. It's the 'Love Boat' just re-imagined if your imagination only consisted of sport-fucking. Massimanho starts doing some manly grunting and Miss Stockholm Syndrome 2020 starts doing her best porn star screaming-moaning act. It's like everyone on the face of the Earth has fantasized too much about the pleasure-pain of getting plowed by the biggest dick to ever swing. A dick so big it would never reasonably fit in a tight tiny-gyna or ass if you're down to let them go to brown town. Taking it up the tailpipe is not Jane's idea of fun since it sounds about as fun as wrapping sandpaper around your favorite dildo before use.
Jane shakes her head and stands up from her seat on the couch, "See now that's an asshole, a fictional one, but an asshole all the same. And that's not a new opinion by the way." Maura looks away from the movie and up to meet Jane's gaze. "He manhandles that flight attendant on his private jet into sucking his dick. Then he straps Miss Stockholm 2020 down so she can watch another woman sucking the only organ on his body that clearly matters to him." Jane's lips curl up into a scowl; she'd like to use a taser on this man's crotch. Maybe that would settle him down. "And now, well, fuckboy didn't even think about wrapping his wang. That was too much of a hassle." The grunting and the moaning intensifies on the flat screen and with Maura's fancy surround system Jane idly thinks that if the volume were cranked that the neighbors would've called the cops by now if they didn't already know that she is a cop. "Massimanho was too caught up in the moment and didn't want to lose his woody so he just jams in it raw cause STD's and getting preggers isn't a thing. I bet she ends up knocked up after this long love boat fucktage, which holy shit it is!" Jane sniffs and makes the mistake of glancing at the screen again and the sight is enough to make her want to jump out of the nearest window. "But I think this scene could've used some better music. You know some Tears For Fears 'Sowing The Seeds Of Love'? But that might've made it too hardcore."
Jane doesn't have to wait for Maura to crack. She laughs and while it's a still a very nice sound against all the moaning and groaning it provides an opportunity. Jane spots the remote by Maura's thigh and she quickly makes a move to grab it. Jane miscalculates though because Maura's reflexes are above average. Jane blames the fencing; Maura's need to look like a mash-up between a tampon and a StormTrooper armed with a Saber minus the glowing light part that would make her a tampooned Jedi. But Jane manages to grab one end of the remote while Maura has a hold on the other end. Maura is a devious laughing little shit though and she reaches up with her other hand and pinches Jane on the side. An uninvited squeal falls out of Jane's mouth and in retaliation Jane unceremoniously plops down on Maura's lap. A huff of surprise stutters Maura's laughter for a moment as Jane keeps trying to free the remote from Maura's grasp. Jane's going to need another distraction though to win this tug of war.
Jane abruptly stops pulling and looks into Maura's darkening hazel eyes. Jane smirks because Maura's a bit of horndog but Jane's not ever going to get mad about it, "Hey, I just had a thought. Quick, call the team responsible for 'Sex Sent Me To the ER'!" Jane yanks the remote free and deftly aims to put a stop to Massimanho and his insatiable wang still pumping into Miss Stockholm Syndrome's love pudding on the yacht. 'Love pudding' is a more old school mommy porn term for sliding a throbbing meatstick in and out of some chick's hot pocket. Maura laughs again and it's that kind of breathy with Jane sitting on her lap and in Jane's opinion it's a lap worth sitting on. "Those two randy dipshits are going to fuck a hole through the hull and sink the ship! Hurry, what's the number, Maur! The early bird gets the worm! I'm trying to get laid! I mean paid!"
Maura laughs again and Jane leans forward to silence her with a kiss while more or less aiming the remote behind her to give Netflix and that turd of a movie the hint to fuck right on off over a cliff. Jane can tell that she succeeds when all she can hear is Maura's panting breaths into her mouth instead of some of the absolute worst fake sex sounds ever. Pornstars do it better. Not that Jane is in dire need to hear the real thing outside of two options. The preferred option being in her real life; sweating and smiling with Maura, and the second being if she ever breaks down and watches porn for the reasons it's intended for. Jane has never got off to porn in her life. But she has gotten a laugh or two out of it in the two minutes max that she's ever taken a peek at a variety of it to say that she had and that's the truth.
Soundtrack: "Bad Romance" by Lady Gaga
A/N 2: No, I did not waste time off my life watching '365 Days'. I read enough reviews about it and cringed at clips and that's as far as I needed to go. I did not partake in 50 Shades a.k.a 'Master of the Universe' either back in the day let alone watch the stunning visuals Hollywood came up with to line their pockets. And before we part ways, let me remind you that this is for laughs and if you can't laugh at it that's not a problem I'm going to make mine. Until next time ;)