1,408Hi, everyone. Happy new year! Sorry for the seriously long delay. I know, I know. I promised I would get back to posting regularly. I do apologize. I've been working really hard to improve my writing. I've read what seems like a hundred books, and worked on some original stuff, practicing.
So here is a very overdo, much needed update. I hope you guys forgive me. I love all of your reviews and PMs. They mean so much to me.
I whipped this out today because I really didn't want to make you wait any longer. And everyone, give some applause to Got2BeBabe. She beta read and edited this within hours of me emailing her.
Without further ado, enjoy the chapter. Please read and review. I love finding out what works and what doesn't.
Chpt. 68
"So how did we get roped into going to the zoo today?" Bryce asked me as he navigated the odd Saturday morning traffic.
I bit my lip. Because I'm weak? Bryce wouldn't like that answer. Because I will always have a chink in my armor that only Ranger knows of and takes advantage of. He is, if nothing else, an opportunist. "He just kind of demanded it and left. I guess I didn't argue because I knew I'd want to see Julie. I haven't gone this long without seeing her since I got custody. It's weird to say, but it's like a piece of me is missing when she is gone."
Bryce sighed.
"It's not that I don't love my time with you. Do you understand? Even a little?" Things not to do on what is supposed to be a romantic, sexy weekend: make my sexy partner feel like he isn't enough; make it all about Julie; allow Ranger to screw everything up.
"You're a parent now." He glanced over at me.
"Yes." And that summed up the difference between us.
"Don't let Ranger manipulate you into thinking you guys can play house and life will be fan-fucking-tastic. That's what he's trying to do with today. I know how his mind thinks. I've read his psych evals."
I whipped my head around to stare at him. "What do you mean you've read his psych evals? Aren't they classified?"
"I've been his handler on a couple of joint task force, classified ops. I had to know what I was dealing with."
His matter-of-fact tone pissed me off. I took a deep breath and closed my eyes. I'm an adult and I need to act like it. Going all rhino mode on him will ruin everything. "So you think he is just trying to manipulate me? And you think I'm dumb enough to fall for it?" My voice was a little shrill, even to my own ears. Although I admitted to myself that Ranger could easily manipulate me, I didn't want anyone else to know that.
"I think he's your weakness. You're raising his kid for God's sake! That's not normal or healthy."
"It's my decision to decide what is best for me. Not you. Not Ranger. Not Abuela. Not Uncle Charlie. It's mine. I thought you had more respect for me. Does everyone in my life believe that I can't think for myself?" Rhino mode not averted. This car was not big enough for my passionate Italian arms.
Bryce's brow furrowed. "I didn't say you can't think for yourself. You just don't think clearly when it comes to him."
Just because Bryce had a point, it didn't mean I had to admit it to anyone but myself. "I'm stronger than you think! I'm not so dumb that I have no idea what Ranger is doing. Some things just aren't worth the fight. I pick and choose my battles. And this…I thought seeing Julie was a good reason not to fight it." That sounded believable, even to me. Maybe if I continued repeating it, I'd eventually convince myself.
"If we're going to have any chance, you need to figure out what is between you and Ranger, and make a decision. I refuse to be second — especially to someone who has treated you like crap."
My silence spoke for me.
"Steph, what do you want?" he asked.
And that was the question of the day, maybe even year. Oh hell, it was the question of my entire adult life. "I don't know." I had to strain to hear my own voice.
"What?"
"I don't know," I said, biting my lip. "I wish I did. I know I want you. But for how long? How long are you even available? And what do you want? You ask me, but we have this weird quasi-relationship. It makes it hard for me to figure out what I want when I don't even know what is available to me. So…I'll answer your question when you answer all of mine."
Bryce's knuckles turned white as he held the steering wheel.
Silence reigned in the cab of the car for what seemed like an hour. Five minutes probably hadn't even passed though.
Bryce pulled into the zoo's parking lot and parked, turning the car off. "It's not that I don't want more. You deserve more. This is all I can give right now."
"This being the occasional visit."
"And making sure you have fun and enjoy your life. I'm doing my best to make sure that you don't get sent out on any missions. You shouldn't have to deal with any of this — the agency, the almost-teenage parenthood — all while you're trying to go to school."
"But this is my life. I've accepted it. And I want Julie to be a huge part of it."
"Julie doesn't come alone. Ranger will always be connected to you as long as you are Julie's guardian."
I rested my face in the palms of my hand. "I know that. I've come to accept that he will always be in my life, but that doesn't mean I'm letting him have a big role. If I accept this, so should you."
"I can't protect you from him."
"He already did the damage." I sighed. "I've built my walls. He's not scaling them. Hell, he handed me the supplies to keep him out. Just…give me more credit. I'm not letting him hurt me again."
Bryce pulled my hands from my face and tilted it, looking me directly in the eyes. "It's not that I don't trust you or respect you. It's him."
Was he threatened by Ranger? That would make sense. Bryce saw Ranger's and my connection during training.
"Come on," he said with a sigh. "Let's go get this over with." He yanked on the door handle, pushing the car door open. He jogged around the car to open mine.
"Thanks."
He closed the door behind me and locked the doors. "Where did he say to meet them?"
"The main entrance." He wrapped his arm around my waist as we walked. "Just because Ranger wants something, it doesn't mean I'm going to give it to him. Sometimes a connection is just that — a connection. Nothing more. Sometimes soulmates don't end up together. And sometimes soulmates are only ever meant to be friends. That's Ranger and me. People aren't meant to be together when all they do is hurt each other."
I spotted Ranger holding Julie's hands while she stood in front of him. It was a beautiful image, one I couldn't allow myself to appreciate in its entirety. Everything I told Bryce was the truth. Being soulmates wasn't enough — not when we'd inevitably destroy one another.