80AN: Thank you very much to all those who favourited, followed, and reviewed my fic! Special thanks to those who favourited and followed me :P
DISCLAIMER in CHAPTER 1.
OMNISCIENCE
Insight
Chapter 1.25: The Ignorance of Kuroyuri Nana
"She cried.
She wanted to die.
'I'm fine.'
She lied."
~ m.g.
She never knew her mother as the woman passed away when she gave birth to her. In her early years, up until she became an adolescent, her only parental figure had been her father.
Nana never minded. Her father was kind and gentle and always did his best to make sure she grew up into a woman that had the best of his character and, most especially and more importantly, the best of her mother. She always found it sweet how her father never remarried after her mother's death; that he kept true to the vows he made on the day they wed even beyond death. To her, it showed just how much he loved his wife.
It had never been "'til death do us part" with her parents and she wanted that as well.
As Nana grew up, it became more and more obvious that she took after her mother in appearance. Her father had dark green hair and equally dark eyes while she had the brown of her mother's hair and eyes. He always joked that she got his disposition instead because her mother tended to overreact about something or another when they first met and it was only after they were well into their marriage that she mellowed out.
Nana loved to hear stories about her mother, not only because she felt closer to the woman she never met, but also because she has the opportunity to hear the unabashed love in her father's voice. However, there was sadness there too. She understood that her mother's death caused a hole in his heart; even so, he never denied her right to know the wonderful and beautiful woman she had been.
For the first eighteen years of her life, Nana and her father lived together in peace. Her father had an average income, enough for two people to live in a small house in the suburbs of Tokyo. For almost two decades, it had only been the two of them, and they had been content. Happy, even.
However, like all good things, it did not last.
One day, in her last year of High School, Nana's father went to Italy to visit a few relatives and, hopefully, some old friends. The man's grey-green hair indicated just how old he had gotten and age had already begun to take its toll on his body. They knew that in a few more years he would not be able to leave the house anymore, so he decided to make one last trip to his homeland before such a thing could occur. Nana could not come with him because of her final exams and the fact that she had to decide whether she wanted to enrol in college or not. Therefore, her father flew to Italy alone.
It was on the last day of her exams that she felt that something was very wrong. However, it was only on the next day, the day her father was to return home, that she found out why.
She was never quite the same after that day.
When she opened the door to her home, she expected a man in his mid-fifties would greet her with a gentle smile on his faintly wrinkled face. Instead, she met a pair of wide blue eyes set into the face of a toddler with chin-length, dark-green hair. When the teen looked closer at the child's face, she could make out some sort of flower mark beneath their left eye. A birthmark, perhaps. The child wore a small white dress with a white coat on top of it, which made Nana conclude that the child was a girl. She wore a white, puffy hat on her head and a tiny squirrel sat on top of it. Both human and animal looked at her curiously.
Nana's eyes were drawn to the orange pacifier the child wore around her neck before they darted back up to the little girl's eyes. She crouched down so the little girl would not have to strain her neck to look up at her and smiled. "Hello, little one. Are you lost? Where are your parents?"
The child smiled back politely but Nana felt inwardly uneasy at her meaningful and sad gaze.
"Hello. Are you Kuroyuri Nana?" She asked in a soft voice and Nana thought she sounded almost shy, as if she rarely talked to other people.
Nana blinked though her smile did not falter. "Yes, that's me." She blinked again, clueless, as she pointed at herself. "But why are you looking for me?"
The child did not react to the confirmation of her identity. She acted as though she already knew the answer and only asked out of courtesy. "I am a long-distance cousin of your father's. We need to talk, so may I please come in?"
Nana hesitated to let a stranger inside the house. She reasoned to herself that it was a child so she could not possibly be dangerous and as she looked at her dark green hair, she recognised the shade to be similar to her father's despite the grey edges in his.
She let her in and they talked.
She could never remember how that talk went.
She only remembered numbness as she listened.
She was stunned silent. The child, who introduced herself as Luce, was one of the distant relatives her father visited while he was in Italy. They had parted amicably but the little girl belatedly heard of an incident that occurred near the road he took to return to his hotel. She made her way there as soon as she realised the implications but…
There had been a mass shooting near that road. Some big-shot mafia family—in Italy? Those actually existed?—confronted another family of… inventors. Scientists? She could not register the details, the news simply made her near catatonic.
Her father was dead. He had run into the fray to save a woman and child but by then, people had begun to shoot indiscriminately, and they hit him in the process. He bled out because the woman he saved did not know how to help him, her son had even less of an idea, and the three of them… they had been in the middle of a feud. There was no way anyone could have saved him in such circumstances, even if they could have.
Nana, when she heard the recount, never thought to blame the two other victims. Her father did not raise her to hate people for what they have done, let alone for something out of their control yet… that did not change the fact that he was… dead.
Why did he die?
Her stomach convulsed as the thought hit her like a bludgeon and her throat clogged up. Her confidant, her guardian, her best friend, gone in a matter of hours. Shot yesterday and she did not even know until a day later. He died alone; his only company in his last moments were two bystanders that he did not know.
He died in pain.
At that, she cried. She cried for the loss of her father, her father who somehow managed to fill the hole her mother left in her life when she died. She cried for the loss of her father, who knew her and all her faults. Her father who had been there for her even when it felt like the world was against her. Her father who made her laugh and smile through her tears yet…
No matter how much she cried that day, he did not come back to wipe her tears… and he would not again. Not anymore.
She had to learn to wipe them away herself.
Many hours and rolls of tissue later, Nana wore herself out to the point that she could finally think, little though it may be, through her grief. She still sniffled every now and then and her eyes were clearly bloodshot, but it was not as bad as when she started. She was dazedly shocked when she saw how much time had passed and even more surprised when she saw that Luce still sat in the same chair while she had a mental breakdown. Then her mind registered that there was a cup of green tea on the table.
Luce sat across her and daintily drank from her own cup, which she held in her tiny hands.
Nana's hands shakily took the cup of tea on the table and drank in increments. She pulled a fresh piece of tissue, dabbed at her eyes, and wiped her face some more to get rid of the excess moisture. "I-I'm sorry," she hiccupped. Then she unsteadily breathed in and out to compose herself. "I-I'm sorry you… had t-to watch m-me have a… b-break… a breakdown like th-that."
Luce gave her a soft, yet sad, smile. "It's quite alright, Nana-san. When I heard that your father…" She eyed her companion for any signs of grief and, sure enough, the teen's lower lip wobbled ever so slightly. She then hastily moved on to what she intended to say. "I remembered from our last conversation together that he mentioned he had a daughter back in Japan. After the… incident… and ascertaining that his… body was, in fact, safe… I booked a flight to Japan and came here as soon as I landed to tell you. He… He wouldn't stop talking about you. I know he loved you very, very much."
Luce was so earnest with her words that Nana could not help but give her a tremulous smile. She took in another deep, uneven breath of air. Her lungs felt heavy, they burned in her chest, and she covered her mouth to help hide the sob she forcibly held back. "I kn-know. Thank y-you for… coming all t-this way j-just to tell me…"
They remained in silence for a long time. Nana hiccupped and sniffled every now and then but she did her best to control her emotions. When her breath finally began to even out, Luce spoke up again.
"You're taking this rather well," she commented quietly. "I actually… I presumed it would take longer to calm yourself."
Nana's lips involuntarily twitched into a small, sad smile. "Papa, he… sometimes, he reminded me he wouldn't a-always be around, e-especially when I started to get older. He said I should be… ready, when that time came," she flinched and realised that this was the time he spoke of but probably did not think would come so soon. "He told me that… it was okay to grieve. He even said he'd haunt me if I didn't at least cry for him when he… when he left," she choked out a laugh.
Luce softly laughed as well, morose as it was. "Aa, that sounds like him. Always making a joke of such serious things."
"Yes…" She looked at her hands. "But, you know… Papa also told me that even though I can grieve, I should still try to…" Her lip wobbled, "move on. He wanted me to be happy, and he said that… he said that I couldn't be happy if I spent my whole life feeling sad for what I lost… and then he'd get this affronted look on his face and he'd say—"
"'and then I'll be sad'," Nana and Luce said at the same time and they shared small smiles at the camaraderie they felt.
"He would always make it sound like it would be my fault if that happened, but I always knew he was joking."
Luce stayed silent as she took a good look at Nana. "… How would you like to send him off?"
"… Eh?"
"The funeral, or cremation… would you like it to be here in Japan or in Italy?"
Nana's lips thinned as she forced herself to think about it. "… How do you think he would have liked us to send him... off? We never... We never really talked about it..."
Luce hummed in thought. "I believe… he would have liked to be cremated. Where you wish him to be cremated depends on you as his daughter and as his closest living relative who is a legal adult."
The teen visibly hesitated. "I think I would like to bring the… body," she swallowed the lump that formed in her throat and ignored the burn she felt in her eyes, "back here in Japan."
Luce gained a faraway look in her eyes. They widened slightly and it almost seemed as if her mouth moved of its own accord when she blurted out, "I don't want to leave you alone so soon."
Nana blinked.
"How do you feel about me living here with you? Just for a little bit until you can get yourself settled again?"
She blinked again and seriously thought about the offer. Her house held too many memories and reminders of what she had lost. She did not trust herself to be alone so soon. Who knows what isolation in her grief would bring her to do? She was only so stable now because the presence of company prompted her to collect herself much more quickly than she thought she would have had she heard of h-his… death… alone.
Thus, she accepted the offer without further encouragement and they made preparations by themselves.
The cremation was a small affair. As friendly as her father was, he was also quite reclusive. Many offered her their condolences but only a few cared enough for the man to be there in person. She felt depressed at that fact, especially when one considered how he did not pass on by natural means.
Later on, she would wonder if perhaps the little girl she now called Auntie knew what she could have done if she had been alone. She knew what she could have done, especially after that awful cremation. She kept the jar of ashes in her father's bedroom and locked it.
She wanted to further reminder of how wrong it all felt.
Life with Luce, though, had been a novel experience, especially for someone predominantly influenced by a male figure early in life. In those days, Nana would often wonder if that was how life with a mother was like.
Luce and her pet squirrel, Cosmo, were extremely self-sufficient and often helped the teen with the housework. Nana learned a lot from the child about the best way to cook, clean, laundry, garden, etc. It was different from what her father taught her. With Luce, everything had a more feminine touch and it took much more effort to accomplish. Although, she felt grateful that the work kept her busy.
The highlights of the entire experience, however, were the times when Nana would learn new things about the infant.
Luce was secretive, like Nana's father. She seemed to wear her emotions on her sleeve but skilfully diverted personal questions. Yet, the teen noticed the little things, such as the way the child would get an odd, distant look on her face when Nana sometimes braided her long, brown hair. At that time, she asked the child what was on her mind and she merely replied that she used to have a friend with long hair and endless patience as he did the same thing every day.
The same look would appear sometimes, early in the morning as Nana made her daily cup of coffee. The infant would hop onto the counter and start to make espresso, her face full of nostalgia, as with the manner she made the drink. When the teen asked Luce to teach her how to make the espresso, the toddler got another faraway look in her eyes. When she came to there was almost something amused, mischievous, regretful, and sad about her manner all at once. Still, she laughed softly and agreed to teach her the recipe.
The distant gaze also appeared whenever Luce saw certain books, when Nana occasionally went out to jog and the child would tag along, and there was even that one time when Nana counted the money that she inherited from her father. Even in little everyday things the gaze would appear, such as when they switched to another channel on television and saw a stuntman dare to defy death. With each instance, Nana would ask and Luce would simply answer that she just remembered an old friend.
On another note, the wistful look the two-year-old sometimes bestowed upon her made Nana curious enough to dig deeper. The reply Luce gave surprised her more than anything.
"You make me think of my daughter. She would be… hmm, fourteen years old now. I couldn't take custody of her for… personal reasons."
"Oh…" Nana felt immensely guilty to have brought up bad memories.
The infant eyed her curiously. "You're taking me having a daughter rather… well."
She blinked in return. "Why wouldn't I?"
Sky blue eyes continued to probe her until the teen shrugged.
"Papa didn't want me to end up too much like my kaa-san so he taught me to just take things in stride."
Luce only giggled at that and they never brought it up again.
It was amazing how fast Nana recovered from the news of her father's death, and Luce thought it was because she had someone to help her speed up the process.
What Luce did not know was that her cousin brought up his daughter in such a way that she was practically sheltered from everything. Nana grew up pampered and comforted so in the event of her father's death, arguably the first time she experienced hardship in her life, she shut it out. She refused to acknowledge it. She wanted to stay ignorant. She did not want the pain.
To others, it would seem like she was strong enough to get over the traumatic event quickly but in truth she just let herself stay in a constant state of denial.
She made herself believe that if she just ignored it everything would remain fine… and no one was the wiser.
Months later, both Luce and Nana believed that the latter felt better, enough to re-join the world in a sense. The teen had decided to forego college and got a job as a server in a nearby café.
It was there that she met the love of her life.
For him, it was love at first sight. For her… well, it took a couple more visits from Sawada Iemitsu at the café to make her think of him as someone who could be more than a regular customer. She also knew that his extreme—though admittedly successful—attempts at courtship were a source of entertainment for her Aunt. Luce never requested to meet him and Nana never pushed. Deep down, she knew that the child would leave her soon. Luce only stuck around in the first place to ensure her niece would be able to continue her life on her own. Nana knew the infant did not want to be too involved with her life. She did not know why or how she knew, she just did.
On their one-year anniversary of being a couple, Iemitsu proposed to her.
She was not quite sure just what both of them had in mind at that moment but he looked so earnest and he loved her so much, possibly more than she loved him. She could not help but say yes. Just when she was about to talk to her Aunt about it with the hope that maybe they could all celebrate her engagement together, Luce made an announcement. The meaningful expression that Nana had not seen since the day they met was back in her gaze.
"I'll be leaving for Italy tomorrow. This will be the last time we will see each other." She said it lightly, but her next words adopted a more regretful tone. "I… I will also not keep in touch with you."
Nana opened her mouth to protest but at the look Luce gave her, she closed her mouth and bowed her head. She had no right to protest for she knew, deep in her heart, that this day would come. The child never made any indication that their arrangement was permanent, after all.
"Nana-chan," Luce whispered, loud enough that she heard it, and the brunette looked up to meet the child's wide blue eyes.
She smiled and said, "I'm happy for you."
Nana's eyes widened and she tried to blink away the tears that suddenly gathered there. She bit her lip.
"This is all I have wanted, and all that your father would have wanted, for you. For you to be able to live everyday feeling, 'It's great to be alive.'"
Her voice softened even more and Nana had to strain her ears to hear her next words. "One day you're going to bring someone very important to our world, so…" She smiled slyly and her eyes took on a mischievous glint. "Don't let go of Sawada-kun. He's a keeper, dear."
Nana did not think she ever blushed so much in her life. She privately thought that her Aunt's muttered words were rather cryptic but ultimately paid little mind to them. It was not a rare occurrence, as Luce said similar things throughout their time together, but all the same, a small part of her took note of it.
The weeks went by and again, almost everything she looked at reminded her of Luce and she almost felt the same way she did when her father died. She felt lost. All she wanted was stability, a constant in her life. She did not like any of the changes that occurred in her life because, so far, they only brought her pain. Hence, she did the same thing that helped her speed up her recovery process in the aftermath of her father's death.
She ignored the pain. She tried to forget the cause of it and hid everything that would remind her of the cause of that pain. She went through every day in the same manner and stayed happy. Her relationship with Iemitsu continued to grow and before she knew it, they were married. Before she knew it, years had gone by and she forgot about the little girl who acted like her mother but was not… the little girl who helped her heal but reopened the wounds in her heart when she left.
She learned to forget, to forgive, and they became the only way she knew how to deal with pain.
October 14, (Year Two)
Sawada Nana sighed as she fixed her son's crayons and collected the stray papers where he had scribbled. She smiled at one that depicted a flower. It was pretty and a rather accurate first attempt when she considered how Tsu-kun was only two years old and did not even know what a flower was yet. It seemed as if her son had an aptitude for the arts. She would make sure to encourage him.
She picked up her baby and carried him to his high chair. He immediately brightened as she settled him into his seat and the toddler cheered and repeatedly slapped his hands on the table eagerly. "Mama! Eat, now?"
Nana cooed at the action. "Hai, and it's 'Will we eat now', remember?"
The baby simply nodded enthusiastically. He was not entirely certain of what he agreed to, he just agreed with everything his mother said.
Nana's eyes glazed over as she set her own food and plates while her son's milk and baby food heated up on the stove. She thought over the life she had lived so far. Her father, her Aunt who for the life of her she could not seem to remember the name of, her lover and now husband, Iemitsu… and now her son. She shook her head and laughed to herself lightly.
It seemed as if she would always set the table for two. She could not wait until her son grew up and brought some friends over.
"What made her strong was despite the million things that hurt her she spoke of nothing but happiness." ~ j.a.
AN: *blinks wide-eyed at document*… What the hell did I just do here?
So... explanations. I needed a logical explanation as to why Tsuna was suddenly the one who inherited Giotto's blood the strongest out of all of his descendants. So I thought to myself, 'Hmm, the bloodline must have been diluted, so some new factor must have entered in order for said bloodline to be reawakened.' And voila! The answer: Nana's bloodline. So I thought about it and I was reminded of how Sepira had a family on earth even though she was of a different species. And then I thought to myself, 'Oh, and as a different species her bloodline must be something special (evidenced by her direct descendants Luce, Aria, and Yuni).' Add those together and you get... whatever this is.
Think about it this way: Nana's... unique... ancestry, that I created/made up/headcanon-ed, jump-started Tsuna's dormant bloodline that came from his father's side. Which is why he looks like Primo and all that jazz. (I claim creative license.)
- Dalagang Sora