A/N: Here is another one shot. This is part of an old draft of Maria's journal. I had a whole journal that takes place during the movie. However, I wanted to rework it. I'm having trouble getting started from the beginning. I'm posting some of my old chapters as one shots to get feed back and make sure I'm on the right track. All my one shots will all eventually be integrated into a long journal. You may have seen these before. I posted one of them in a journal. I wasn't happy with them so I deleted them and am starting from scratch. Wish me luck! 😀
July 20, 1938
I'm so scared. I know I have to face him and find out the truth. I'm still so afraid and ashamed. What will I say? Is he angry with me? I would not blame him if he were. I just left with no explanation.
I was summoned by the Reverend Mother tonight. I broke down and told her what happened between the Captain and me. She insisted that I return to the villa first thing tomorrow.
She insists that I MUST go back and find out the truth from Captain Von Trapp. So, where do I even begin with him? I can't just walk up and say, "I love you sir! Do you love me?"
The Baroness told me he loves me but I never heard it from HIM. Maybe he DID love me but got over it because he assumed I was never returning. Maybe he's angry that I just left him like a coward?
I can't think about this anymore. My head hurts. I need to calm myself so I can sleep. Sleep has become like a novelty to me in these past few days to weeks.
July 21, 1939
My heart is broken! I feel so sad, angry, hurt and betrayed. He just forgot about me and he moved on. Oh, it may not have even been his fault. He may never have loved me! I have no way of knowing.
The Baroness is an evil woman. I feel so stupid. I actually trusted her. The whole time she was trying to get me out of the way so she could have him to herself. I can't believe I sincerely thought she was trying to help me.
She saw my feelings for him and wanted me away at all costs. Perhaps she made up the fact that HE loved ME just to scare me into leaving. So, he may never have loved me. God, I actually feel like I want to die
It was awful when we were reunited. I saw the children first and that part was a happy reunion. I really did miss them.
The happiness went away when the children gave me the devastating news that the Captain and the Baroness are I heard that I literally felt like my heart had been ripped out.
Seconds later, I saw him. I didn't know what to do or say. I was fighting back tears along with my heart the was completely shredded inside my chest. I couldn't exactly profess my love to a man that was engaged to another woman.
God, I really do love him. I'm certain now that he never did love me. Perhaps he felt fond of me but he never loved me. If he really loved me he wouldn't have gotten over me that quickly. It seems to me that for a man that was supposedly in love with me, he became engaged rather quickly.
The Captain came out and all I could do was stare blankly into those beautiful eyes. I was staring at the man that does not love me and never will. I felt so chocked up. My throat felt constricted. I had a million things to say in my thoughts but it was hard for me to even speak. All I managed to get out was a meek monotone "Good Evening Captain."
I felt this extreme anger boiling up inside of me. I wanted to scream at him! "You didn't love me. You never have loved me. Why did you dance with me? Why did you simile at me and look into my eyes? What was your reason? Did you just want to feel young innocent flesh like mine? The worst part is I love you!" Instead all I did was squeak out "Good Evening Captain!"
My humiliation and pain got worse when the Baroness came out. She gave me her fake and plastic smile. The woman looked me right in the eye and took him by the arm. It was as if she was staking her claim in front of me. All I could do was grit my teeth and wish them insincere congratulations.
I guess it shouldn't matter because he never loved me. As I tried to leave he called after me and asked me if I were back to stay. I can't believe he had the nerve to say such things. What does he need me for?
Soon, he'll have a new beautiful sophisticated wife. My heart does break for the children. I know she doesn't love them and never will!
The unbearable pain just kept getting worse. I went straight to my room and all of my grief and pain just came pouring out. I sat on the bed and just sobbed my heart out. All the pain grief and heartbreak just came flowing out of me.
After a good long cry, I went to the bathroom to clean my face. My eyes were bloodshot and puffy. I looked like Black Death.
As I was cleaning up, I heard a knock at the door. I walked back out into the room and heard a voice on the other side say, "Maria?"
I felt my chest tighten! Dear God, it was the Captain. I didn't know what to do. I knew he had heard me! I couldn't just ignore him as much as I wanted to do so.
As I uttered a very meek, "Come in" something occurred to me. He called me JUST Maria. He's never done that before. It's always been Fraulein Maria or just Fraulein. Why was he suddenly calling me by my first name? Did he enjoy twisting my heart just as easily as someone could twist my arm to hurt me?
Our eyes met and I coldly asked him what his purpose for disturbing me was. I think he was taken aback by my cold demeanor but I didn't care.
My heart sank at the sight of him. I felt the tears were ready to come back. It took every ounce of strength to suppress them. He said he came to tell me it was dinner time.
The last thing in the world I wanted to do was have dinner with him, Max and the future Baroness Von Trapp. However, I wasn't going to give him the satisfaction of not showing up for dinner. I very coldly told him I would be along in a minute.
The voice in my head kept saying, "I LOVE YOU! DON'T YOU SEE THAT? WHY ELSE WOULD I HAVE RETURNED."
Dinner was unbearable. I've never felt so much anger. I found myself saying a prayer of contrition every few minutes.
I've never had a fantasy about hurting another person until dinner tonight. It was awful. When I picked up my knife to cut my Weiner Schnitzel and I wished I could use the knife to make Baroness be quiet.I know it was wicked but I felt so angry.
She just wouldn't stop talking. For one brief shining moment, I felt a bit of compassion for the Captain. My unrequited love shone through.
She kept trying to speak to him about their wedding plans. It was clear that he had no desire to answer her. She kept pressing him. She kept saying, "Georg?" until he was forced to answer her.I'm so ashamed to admit this but I kept hoping that the Baroness would choke on her Weiner Schnitzel.
I survived and got out of there as fast as I could. I pictured months or even years of confessions I would have to endure to make up for my utterly evil thoughts.
My next order of business was to tuck the children in to bed. They are very perceptive children especially Brigitta. She kept asking me why my eyes were red and swollen! I kept insisting that I was fine.
In my mind, I was thinking, "I've been crying because I love your father deeply. Luckily, they didn't press me to much. I can't blame them with my red puffy eyes.
I know that I need to go to sleep. I'm looking at my bed and the thought of even trying to sleep in making me more anxious.
I feel so restless! I can't take this anymore. I know it but I must takea walk to clear my head.
A/N: I think we all know what is going to happen on her walk. I'm about to edit and post the Gazebo entries