A/N: Here is another one shot. This is part of an old draft of Maria's journal. I had a whole journal that takes place during the movie. However, I wanted to rework it. I'm having trouble getting started from the beginning. I'm posting some of my old chapters as one shots to get feed back and make sure I'm on the right track. All my one shots will all eventually be integrated into a long journal. You may have seen these before. I posted one of them in a journal. I wasn't happy with them so I deleted them and am starting from scratch. Wish me luck! 😀
July 20, 1938
It's now very, very late. I'm absolutely breathless and I can't even think of going to sleep. My heart is racing.
I shed more tears on my walk. It was different this time. The tears I shed were not tears of heartbreak but tears of happines.
I'm absolutely delirious with happiness. I'm also in shock. Part of me is scared to go to sleep for fear I'll wake and it will have been but a dream. It's not a dream because I'm wide awake.
I found out I was all wrong. The Captain oh dear I mean Georg does love me. Georg! It's may take me a while to get used to calling him by his name. I must admit that saying or thinking his first name sends a feeling of great warmth throughout my entire body. Whatever did I do to deserve such warmth and love?
I took a walk down to the lake to clear my head and sort out my feelings of sorrow and confusion. I sat down in the garden the gazebo to collect my thoughts and contemplate my lonely and very uncertain future.
After a while, I heard a familiar voice in the shadows. It was the voice of the man I love. My heart jumped in my chest.
He came towards me and asked me if he could sit near me. His manners of a gentleman touched my heart. It touched me that he valued me enough to behave like a true gentleman.
I of course granted him permission to sit next to me. I had to nod yes because my voice caught in my throat. He sat so close to me I could feel his warmth.
The very first thing he asked me was why I ran away and what made me come back. I felt a sense of dread and felt speechless.
My God how was I supposed to answer that question? I could not tell the truth at least not then anyway. I couldn't possibly say " Because I realized I love you and was to ashamed to face you."
My mind raced and raced and time seemed to go so slowly while I thought of something to say to the poor man. I finally was able to tell him that I came back to fulfill my obligation.
He knew I wasn't telling him the whole truth and I can't say that I blame him. Of course there was more to it than that.
Part of me so wanted to just blurt out the truth. However I knew that somehow it would be most improper.
"Is that all?" was his next question to me.
Now my thoughts were flying through my head even faster which I didn't think possible. My only thought was to use the children. Of course! I missed the children. It turns out blaming the children only made things worse.
"Only the children?" He asked back.
Well of course I didn't JUST miss the children. I missed him with a painful ache in my heart. I will even say I missed him more than the children.
I was so taken aback that I spoke without thinking. I automatically replied "No."
When I realized what I just did I took on a highly defensive tone and declared "YES! Isn't it right I should have missed them?"
I felt my stomach tighten once again when I saw the look on his face. It was clear that he caught my mistake. In the poor mans defense how could he not have caught it.
We talked further and he asked me if I would be willing to stay. When he said that, felt an intense anger boil up. What did he need me for? Did he expect me to take care of his children while he and The Baroness enjoyed the high Social life?
I felt so angry that I didn't want to sit by him anymore. I got off the bench and walked away from him. I very coldly said, "Well, I'm sure the Baroness will be able to make things fine for you."
He immediately informed me that there wasn't going to be any Baroness. It turns out he called off his engagement. Even when he said that, it didn't fully sink in what it would mean for me. As we discussed it, we began to walk into the gazebo.
My failure to catch on led a bit of a miscommunication. Luckily the miscommunication only lasted a few precious minutes.
It began like this. "We've called off our engagement you see!"
"Oh, I'm sorry! " I said sounding properly contrite.
"You are?" he said in utter shock and deep disappointed.
"You did?" as I said as things slowly began to sink in.
That exchange was really rather bizarre. I don't know what possessed me to say I was sorry. Of course I wasn't sorry. I think my brain was just on auto pilot. It's only polite to say you're sorry when an engagement.
Then it happened. My world was transformed in one brief shining moment. He stood right beside me and I saw his beautiful profile. I really was in awe.
He turned to me and said, "Well, you can't marry someone when you are in love with someone else."
I could now clearly see into his beautiful sparkling eyes. My eyes met his and he said, "Can you?"
I could hardly speak. All I could do was shake my head "NO!" His face looked absolutely beautiful in the moonlight!
Then, he finally gazed into my soul the same way he did the night we danced. I felt weak in the knees. He gently placed his hand on my chin and slowly pulled me towards him.
I felt his strong yet gentle lips on mine. I just closed my eyes and melted into this kiss as our lips touched.
Then our eyes met again. I wrapped my arms around him and rested my head on his shoulder. I was consumed with him. I inhaled very deeply and took in his amazing scent.
I could feel his beautiful strong yet gentle hand stroking the back of my neck. It felt amazing. I felt so relaxed safe and at peace in his strong and loving arms.
The whole embrace sent waves of warmth all over my body. It really was an utter miracle. Then he looked deeply into my eyes and told me how much he loved me. He's loved me from the very beginning. I professed my deep love for him as well.
Then we sat and talked. He lovingly took me into his arms. At first we just sat holding one another in silence.
We talked for hours. I began to cry but my tears were tears of joy. Just a few hours ago. I cried tears of sadness and heartbreak.
I actually bore my soul to him. I told him things that I have never told any man or women. He just listened to me and held me tightly.
It was so sweet when I told him about very painful memories, he held me even tighter. I felt so at peace and ever so loved. I found myself telling him every detail of my life.
A lot of these things I have never repeated to anyone because they were too painful or I've never had anyone to repeat them to. With him it all flowed so easily. There was ever a moment of hesitation.
I spoke of my painful childhood. My mother died when I was very young and my father couldn't take care of me. He subsequently got sick and died.
In the meantime I was sent to live with an Uncle I had never met before. He was so horribly abusive to me and both physically mentally and emotionally.
That is how I ended up having a deep love for the mountains and nature surrounding Salzburg. It's why I refer to the Unterberg as "my mountain" I spent most of my time singing and wandering in the hills to escape my stabbing pain and loneliness.
He was so sweet and so compassionate. He listened to me and I could hear him let out a sympathetic sigh on my behalf. He also whispered over and over that he loved me.
He followed suit and bore his soul to me. I found that I too held him tighter when he spoke of particularly painful memories.
I know now that what we feel is pure unconditional love. I feel that real love is when you feel the pain of your loved one as if it is your own. You feel as if you have experienced the pain yourself even though you really haven't. I felt such pain for my poor dear Georg.
He really let himself go and told me of the pain he experienced losing his wife. My heart absolutely broke for him. I really felt as if I had suffered the same loss. It was quite sad how the poor darling got all chocked up when he talked about her illness and death. He fought back tears at first. I held him tightly and told him how much I really love him.
After we were exhausted from revealing all of our deep feelings Georg attempted to make things happy again. What I felt next was something incredible that I've never felt before. I never really expected to feel it either. Georg kissed me again full on the lips. This kiss was more intense than the first kiss of the evening. I started off by closing my eyes and enjoying his soft and strong lips. He woke me up very quickly. I felt a rush of warmth and electrical impulses swell through my entire body
Suddenly, a very scary thought occurred to me. Georg is an experienced man with normal and intense male urges. I suddenly felt like maybe things were happening too fast.
I suspect that deep down Georg wanted to make love. I think he wanted to make passionate love. I was enjoying every minute but I knew there was a line I could not cross before marriage.
I suddenly became very anxious. I love him heart and soul but we couldn't make love. We ABSOLUTELY couldn't. Dear God, we couldn't make full passionate love right there in his Gazebo.
We would have to wait until after we are married until we could make love. Only my husband not my brand new fiancé could have the privilege of seeing me well completely vulnerable.
My mind raced. I loved what was happening but I had to stop. I felt happy and warm yet anxious at the same time.
I was going to have to tell him to stop and I felt awful. I was so torn. I just remember thinking, how do I tell him without him thinking that I wasn't enjoying every second? I was. I really trurly was!
Much to my relief he stopped. Oh, he is just so amazing. He's so gentle and tender yet wildly passionate at the same time. I don't know how he does it. Even the way he stopped was so smooth and gentle. It wasn't just over like that. He just sort of tapered off ever so smoothly and gently.
So, we sat quietly for a little bit longer. I was blissfully happy but I was drained at the same time. I was so drained from the passion and all the strong feelings and emotions we both shared.
Suddenly he noticed he got a shocked look on his face. I felt a twinge of panic. Was something wrong? Was he not happy with our exchange?
It turns out he looked at his watch and realized it was 3:00 AM. I couldn't believe it. So, we decided we needed to go inside and get some sleep.
I'm so glad he's a wonderful honorable soul that he is and he fought his urges. I suppose in a way I should have known better than to think he would even take advantage or behave in a dishonorable manner.
He walked me to my bedroom. I did get a lump in my throat when I noticed him walk with me at the top of the stairs. He's still a normal man and I couldn't fault him. At the same time I didn't want to let down my sweet angel less than 24 hours into our engagement.
My mind was saying, "Please Georg, turn and leave me. I really don't want this to end believe me. It has to end. I am so looking forward to giving myself to you on our wedding night. However, it cannot happen between us before then. I'm so sorry my darling love."
We got to my bedroom and my angel did the right thing. He kissed me goodnight very gently. Then he held me briefly and told me he loved me. I responded and told him I love him too.
I just stood and watched him walk down the hall. I almost feel guilty noticing this but the back of his her firm and muscular frame looked amazing to me, very amazing indeed. I didn't want to stand in the hall and stare but I couldn't help myself.
You would think that that intensity of the entire evening would tire me out! I lay in bed and I couldn't sleep. I kept wondering if my angel was asleep in his own bed thinking of me. The thought excited me very much. So much so that closing my eyes brought on that image rather than the sleep I so desperately needed and craved.
I must sleep! We are going to tell the children tomorrow. I really love the children as much as a woman can without giving birth to them. They are my children. Ok, sleep Maria SLEEP