Hey guys! I haven't posted a new fic in a while and this was just something that came up after catching up with H50. I really miss Michelle Borth. :(
So, this kind of got away from me and it's a little unrealistic, but I just needed some McRoll. It's been too long. I wish they would at least mention her.
Disclaimer: I do not own Hawaii Five-0 or any of the characters.
"Tenth grade; you had stage fright, so you never played guitar ever again?"
"It wasn't stage fright; it was bigger than that. I'm telling you man, it was a, uh, I-I don't know. I guess it was an existential crisis. I guess, in that moment, I couldn't handle the- the vulnerability I was experiencing. I couldn't handle how exposed I felt. It felt like I couldn't breathe and I thought it was going to kill me."
"Look, I was raised differently than you, okay? I wasn't raised in a house with a supportive family encouraging me to share my feelings – and in your case, every feeling. The McGarrett men are a different breed. To them, showing emotion is like showing weakness. It's stupid, but it's just the way it is."
Three hours after wrapping up the case and booking Mia Price had found Lieutenant Commander Steve McGarrett, head of the Five-0 taskforce, alone at the nearest bar & grill nursing a glass of bourbon – on-the-rocks.
He sighed. This was his third glass and it had been a while since he had something stronger than beer.
As soon as he had gotten home, a strong scent of vanilla scented body lotion and hazelnut coffee hit him. So, he turned around and went to the nearest bar he could find where nobody knew him. He didn't feel like making small chat with anyone today.
His conversation with Danny the day before had been replaying over and over in his mind like an endless serenade. Or more like an annoying mantra.
He knows that it's something good. He knows that he would've done it too. He knows that it's something she has to do.
But it doesn't mean that he doesn't like it any less.
It's been over a year since she's been gone and he would've expected, by now, for the pain to dull just a little bit.
He was wrong.
Everything he sees or smells or sees reminds him of her and he doesn't have the heart to do something about it. Maybe it's because he's still hoping for her to come home; still hoping for another chance.
Don't get him wrong, he loves his life. It's just…
He's missing something.
And that "something" is currently somewhere in the Middle East with the presence of imminent danger looming over her every second of every day. Just the thought of her getting hurt makes him sick. He downs the rest of his drink and asks the bartender for another.
He misses her. Desperately.
It's that plain and simple.
And talking with Danny about vulnerabilities and feeling exposed only reminds him of what he lost – even if there was nothing he could do about it.
She had told him that she had found Najib. And he had been filled both joy because that had meant she was coming home.
But she wasn't.
She was staying there. Not forever, but she was staying there. And had told him to move on.
He wonders if he could've done something to change her mind. If it was something he did that made her make that decision.
Steve takes a gulp of his drink and shuts his eyes, reliving the last thing they had said to each other before she had hung up.
"I love you, Steve. I'm sorry."
"Cath, we can talk about this. We can work this out. We can-"
"Cath? Catherine? Catherine?!"
He needed answers. They loved each other. They had been through hell and back together more than he'd like to admit. They had spent a decade with each other. Why then, all of a sudden, did she just decide to throw their relationship away?
He had taken a leap of faith with her because he had hope. And he had spent a glorious decade with her even with all the obstacle courses along the way. And he was utterly grateful.
And he thought that maybe, just maybe, the universe would let him have this. This… chance at happiness. Something for himself.
And in an instant, she had been ripped away from his life too.
"…showing emotion is like showing weakness."
Not when he was with Catherine. With her, it was something he reveled in because she was the only person in the world that knew him inside and out and accepted him even with that knowledge. Loved him.
If his grip on the glass of bourbon in front of him was any stronger, it would've been broken into a billion tiny little shards.
If he could talk to her just one more time…
If he could hear her tease him about his competitive streak or his ego one more time…
If he could just see her one more time…
"Commander," a voice behind him echoed through his thoughts.
His heart stopped. No. It couldn't be.
Tentatively, he turned towards the voice. The hope that filled his eyes was gone in an instant.
In his haze of 'ifs', he hadn't registered that the voice that called him was Australian.
Just one more time…
"What are you doing here at," she looked at her watch, "six-in-the-afternoon?"
"I could ask you the same thing," he replied coldly, not bothering to look at the blonde as he took a sip of his drink.
As per usual, she wasn't fazed by his hostile disposition. "A couple of my colleagues and I were here to celebrate a win. We were heading out the door when I saw you. Your turn."
This is exactly what he had wanted to avoid. Couldn't the universe for once help him out?
Ellie took his silence as her own personal invitation as she took a seat beside him and waved the bartender over. "Scotch. Neat."
"Wanna talk about it?" She asked him.
Steve huffed and shook his head. He looked over at the calendar hanging on the wall.
February 27th, 2014.
'Great,' he thought. If Catherine were here, they would've been celebrating the anniversary of the first time they had met.
Steve let out another frustrated sigh as he downed the rest of the amber liquid.
He asked for another glass.
"How many have you had?" Ellie asked, worry evident in her voice.
Steve shrugged as he took another sip.
"Usually, a man comes to a bar to drink for one of two reasons. A girl or because he got fired from a job."
When he didn't answer, she added, "Or if he's an alcoholic, but that's neither here nor there. And seeing that the chance of you getting fired is zero-to-none, I'm guessing this is about a girl. Am I right or am I right?"
Radio silence. Grasshoppers chirping.
"I thought you were done with girls for a while. Or is this about the girl who started," she made a wide circle gesture with her hand, "all of this?"
Steve just took a slow sip of his bourbon, hoping that if he didn't say anything, she would leave.
In hopes to drag him out of his reticence, she admitted, "You know, I was in this exact position once with my ex-fiancé. We were doing really well – going strong for three years. At least, I thought we were. Then, I found out he was cheating on me with my best friend."
It took a good half a minute until Steve responded, "I'm sorry." His face was stoic, but his voice was a little bit more like his usual timbre.
"Now, will you talk to me?"
Reluctantly, Steve put his glass down on the coaster in front of him. "She's overseas."
Ellie's eyebrows rose. "She's in the military too? Wow."
He shook his head, his thumb gliding over the edge of the glass. "Was."
"Then why is she overseas?" Ellie asked, obviously confused.
"It's complicated," Steve started, his voice pithy "But, long story short, she left."
"Oh, I'm sorry, Steve." She rested her hand on his shoulder of his hunched frame in hopes to comfort him.
Steve gave a meek nod. "Yeah."
After a few moments of silence, she tried to break the tension. "She must've been special if she could bring the great Steve McGarrett down to a run-down old bar."
Steve gave a small smile, but it never reached his eyes.
"She still is." Steve finally looked at Ellie. "She's the greatest thing that ever happened to me."
She had never seen Steve McGarrett so vulnerable. It was unsettling. He probably would've never admitted something so private if it weren't for the alcohol."
Not knowing what to say, she settled for the cliché, "If she was so special, she would've stayed. You're probably better off without her. If she couldn't see that she has something amazing in front of her, she's an idiot." Ellie even added a comforting smile.
Steve shook his head. "No, I'm really not."
"I know that must feel true now, but with some time and distance, it won't," she assured him.
"It's complicated." Steve huffed in frustration as he ran his fingers through his hair. He could still feel the way she played with his hair. "You wouldn't understand."
"Then explain it to me," she pressed gently.
Another gulp. "Maybe some other time."
Knowing when to back off, Ellie nodded. "Another time, then." Steve would've thought that that would be her cue to leave, but she didn't budge.
With a sigh, Steve took out his phone and typed a quick message.
Please come home.
He didn't know if her number was still in service or if she had been actively ignoring his past phone calls and messages.
He set the phone down and took another sip of his drink.
He could hear the bell signaling that a customer had entered (or left) in his silent wallowing.
His phone buzzed and knowing that it was probably not Catherine, he picked it up without a care in the world.
It was Catherine.
In a rushed frenzy, he let go of his drink and held on tight to his phone.
"What?" Ellie asked, surprised by the sudden change in demeanor.
He slid his thumb across the screen and opened the message.
I'm already there.
He heart sank. He half expected another message asking him not to contact her, but it didn't come. Instead, another voice came from behind him.
"Hey there, Sailor."
His heart literally stopped. For the second time that day, he thought to himself, 'No. It couldn't be.' Maybe he had one too many drinks. His mind must be playing tricks on him.
Still, he turned around. Slowly. It was as if, if he moved too fast, the universe would rip this chance away from him again.
It was her.
In all her beautiful glory, it was her. Catherine.
He hadn't realized that he had said her name until she had replied, "Steve…" He could feel his heart racing a thousand miles an hour as he stepped off the barstool and made his way over to her. He vaguely registered Ellie turning towards them.
Her voice was weary, but it was unmistakably hers. She looked different; her hair was shorter, she was skinner, there were new cuts and bruises on her skin, but it was still her. It was still his Catherine.
"Is that really you?"
She smiled. Oh, God, how he missed her smile. "Who else would it be?"
That was all he needed to wrap her up tightly in his arms. She smelled of faintly of vanilla and hazelnut.
He felt her relax in his embrace as if it was something of a luxury to do so. Her hands wrapped around his back as she buried her face in the crook of his shoulder. "I'm so sorry, Steve. I didn't want to, but-"
He cut her off, holding her tighter. "We can get into that tomorrow. All that matters is you're here. You're home." He pressed his lips against her head for what seemed like a lifetime until he breathed, "I love you."
A/N: Please leave a review! It would mean a lot!
A/N: So, a guest (thank you so freaking much!) just informed me that Michelle Borth is going to be on the finale of season 5! AND I FOUND THIS ARTICLE!
(Search in Google: Hawaii Five 0 season 5 finale Michelle Borth - click on the enstarz article)
My inner fangirl just exploded!