A/N: Here is another one shot. This is part of an old draft of Georg's journal. I had a whole journal that takes place during the movie. However, I wanted to rework it. I'm having trouble getting started from the beginning. I'm posting some of my old chapters as one shots to get feed back and make sure I'm on the right track. All my one shots will all eventually be integrated into a long journal. You may have seen these before. I posted one of them in a journal. I wasn't happy with them so I deleted them and am starting from scratch. Wish me luck! 😀
This is a honeymoon piece. It is not completely fluffy. I added a little tension in there for good measure. Read and enjoy.
October 17, 1938
Maria and I had a serious talk last night. In a lot of ways, I still wish it hadn't happened. I've be avoiding this issue with her for the longest time but it couldn't do it anymore. It came out despite all my attempts to avoid it.
Allow me to elaborate. For the past several weeks or even several months, my mind has been on the awful situation back home. I have been praying that somehow it would get better and it wouldn't actually happen.
However, I can't deny it any more. It is of course very disturbing to me. My beautiful beloved homeland is about to be taken over by a deplorable and unstoppable force and there is not a bloody thing I can do about it.
I willingly risked my life for my country. That is how deep my love is for her. So, it pains me deeply to see her being destroyed. I can't fight it or stop it.
It goes deeper than just the invasion itself. This may sound crazy but for the first time in my life I feel utterly helpless. My entire life, I have always been able to handle anything not matter how extreme or grave.
Under normal circumstances, if I'm faced with a problem no matter how extreme, I look at it, analyze it, and solve it.
With this situation, there is no solution in sight. I can analyze it until I'm beyond exhausted. It truely feels like why world is disappearing around me and I'm watching it happen. The maddening emotions it brings up are almost indescribable.
I have been working very hard to keep my strong emotions from Maria. I know it may seem wrong. Ok Ok Ok, I'll admit it IS wrong. Yes, it's very wrong to keep such serious problem and serious emotions from ones wife, especially when it will eventually impact her.
I realize I'm being semi hypocritical. Ok, I'm being completely hypocritical. Even before we were married, I have attempted to instill in Maria a sense of trust. I've have reinforced to her that there is no problem so great that we can't solve it together.
Even more importantly, I have reinforced to her that she must NEVER be afraid to come to me with any problem no matter how grave it may seem. Yet there I was keeping the perhaps most the most significant problem we will have to face together from her.
Even though I rationally knew I was being a bloody hipprocrit, I couldn't inflict such a serious and emotional problem on her. Obviously, she is going to find out eventually. There will come a time when I can no longer keep it from her.
It was more a matter of timing than my not wanting to trust and confide in her. You see, I wanted her to have an absolutely perfect honeymoon. I wanted her to have the honeymoon that a sweet angel like her deserves. I wanted her to enjoy every second without having to concern herself with a brooding emotionally disturbed husband.
Believe me, I know how women are about their weddings and honeymoons. They think about it and they plan it from the time they are little girls. Even my sweet Marta and Gretel have started dreaming of their future fairy tale weddings. I shudder.
So, I couldn't deliver a blow that will deeply disturb her and obliterate all her feelings of happiness. I felt especially protective of her because she never expected to be married. So, everything about time together is so wonderful new and exciting to her.
How could I mention to this to someone who has been grinning ear to ear since our wedding day. It's truly amazing; she even smiles in her sleep. I kid you not every time I look over at her sleeping in our bed; she has a smile on her face.
How could I destroy that? I knew eventually we would have to face it. In just wanted to keep her blissfully happy for as long as I could.
I have been able to keep these thought from her that is until early this morning. It was this morning that she discovered me deep in thought. It finally got to the point where I could not protect her. I can honestly say the thought of not being able to protect and keep her happy damn near broke my heart.
I have been following in the French and international papers and each day I see it is getting worse. The worse it gets the more disturbed I become. I have to keep telling myself that this is my honeymoon and it should be a happy time. Luckily I have been able to read the paper in the morning before she wakes up.
Another issue is its very hard for me not to show my emotions on my face or through my body language. When I try to pretend nothing is wrong, those close to me know I'm lying. I've tried desperately to obsess in private. Up until just a short time ago, I've been able to obsess when she is asleep or reading by herself.
Lately, the stress has been keeping me up at night. I've taken to going out on the balcony to avoid waking her and inviting a serious discussion. I made the decision to go outside last night. I did feel melancholy when I looked back at her beautiful angelic form. She literally was sound asleep with a full pure smile on her face. It truely felt gut wrenching to me.
At some point she rolled over and realized that I wasn't in bed with her. Naturally this alarmed her. I believe she has figured out I was not in the bathroom. Where else would I be at 2:00 AM?
I wanted to tell her I had an inexplicable case of insomnia. However, there was a minor problem and/or complication. When I become deep in thought I have this habit or ability to complete tune out most if not all extraneous stimuli.
I literally lose sight of my surroundings. A person can call out my name I will not even hear them. Seriously, even people talking to me cannot distract me from my deep thought. I remember it used to both amaze AND infuriate Agathe. Maria is not used to this yet as she's never seen me in that bizarre state. It really is rather bizarre believe me.
She finally realized I was out on the balcony and got up to come and check on me. As I said, I was in deep thought a million miles away. Apparently, she called out my name at least twice.
Even the sound of my wife calling my name in a state of concern was not enough to distract me. I promise that I wasn't intentionally ignoring her.
After getting no response to her voice, she gently and tentatively reached out and tapped my shoulder. That caused me to jump with a start as if the poor women had not been standing there calling out my name with alarm. All she could do was stutter in shock and assure me that she called my name more than once.
I'm rather ashamed of myself for trying to keep up the charade that everything was just fine. I can be so pigheaded and stubborn at times. Of course, I should have confessed to her how disturbed I was feelings. I could not bring myself to do that.
I was so determined not to tell her that I tried to get away with telling her that I simply could not sleep for some inexplicable reason. Oh no, it had nothing to do with the deplorable circumstances at home.
Not only did I feel ashamed, I felt rather foolish. It never occurred to me that my little spitfire would stand right up to me and not fall for such a pitiful excuse. She is way too smart and much too fiery to simply accept it and go back to bed.
I spoke in a soft soothing voice hoping she would just go to bed and leave me to my obsessive thoughts. "Oh, I'm so sorry my love. I didn't mean to wake you. I knew I shouldn't have had that extra shot of espresso in my café au lait earlier. I came out here hoping the fresh air would help. I know it's awfully late. Go back to bed and get some sleep. I promise I'll be in soon." I said as I gently reached out and stroked her cheek.
When our eyes met I knew IMMEDIATLY she didn't believe me and was highly irritated. She stared me down for what seemed like forever. I was determined not to crack but it was not easy. I must say her angry state can be rather frightening. Keep in mind this is coming from a man decorated for his bravery.
After a few unbearable moments, she finally spoke to me with a sharp fiery bite. "Oh, yes, I see how it works ."
I became highly irritated because I had no idea what the she was talking about. The last thing I needed was more confusion.
"WHAT?" I said back in a stern and angry voice.
"Well, it's just that all I have been hearing for the past several months is that I must never be afraid to come to you not matter how grave I think the situation is. As you put it to me several times, we are in this together." She took a deep angry breath in before continuing to tell me exactly what she thought of my evasive and utterly pigheaded behavior.
" So, let me understand this, I'm expected to run into your strong protective arms every time I feel worried and unsettled. However, you on the other hand can withdraw from me if you so choose." she said as she angrily tilted her head forward towards me to indicate she knew was right and clearly intended to win this argument.
Deep down I knew she was right. My ego was not just bruised it was bleeding severely. Despite that, I STILL wasn't going to admit I was wrong and acting like a stupid pigheaded man. I fought right back even though it was obvious my fiery little wife could see right through me.
"I TOLD YOU I COULDN'T SLEEP!" I said very roughly snapped at her.
I absolutely hate to admit this but I continued to fight her even though I KNEW I was wrong. Yes, Yes, Yes, I could have said, "Oh Maria I am so wrong. You are ever so right. I was so poor of me to not to talk to you about something that most certainly will impact you. Thank you for pointing out to me how utterly wrong I was. Shall we go inside and have a long talk."
I was too proud and stupid and continued to fight her. As I feared Maria wasn't going to allow me to get away with that in any way shape or form.
I hate to compare my two wives but this would not have been an issue with Agathe. She would never ever have fought me like that under any circumstances. She would have checked on me, perhaps offered me a cup of tea and then backed off from my brooding emotion mood. She was well aware that I have my angry moments but I always snap out of it. She always patiently waited for that to happen.
It's hard for me to get used to having to consider a wife that will fight me. She was certainly willing to fight me on this one. What made it particularly sting was she was one hundred percent right.
"Really? Well you neglected to tell me why you couldn't sleep? Was it too much coffee of sweets?" she said very sarcastically.
If I hadn't been so stressed and emotionally charged I might have been impressed with her quit wit and sarcasm. She can more than hold her own in the most heated and complex arguments.
"I MIGHT have believed that and quietly gone to bed like a good little wife expect for the fact that you were a million and a half miles away. I called your name over three times and you remained in a trancelike state. I may have been sheltered. I may have spent the majority of my life in a convent but I'm NOT stupid."
That comment REALLY made me angry. Did I say she was stupid? I HATE IT when women put words into your mouth or thought in your head. Why do women do that?
Now I was really mad and I wasn't having that. I was not about to tolerate her putting thoughts into my head.
"Did I say you were stupid?" I said with an angry bite.
"Well, wouldn't I have to be? Oh yes, my husband was in a trance like state and didn't hear my call out to him three times. Oh yes, I'm sure he's just fine. I'm going to go back to bed now."
She had a point and I had no comeback. DAMN IT! I simply twisted my face in disgust and angrily sighed at her. Do you honestly think Maria would sit back and let me get away with brazenly twisting my face at her?
"Don't you dare twist your face at me like I'm some child that is irritating you." she bold spat back with an angry bite.
We continued to argue and argue. It was frustrating because it was getting us nowhere but neither one of us wanted to give in. It became a constant battle of one angry statement after another.
Finally she softened. I was glad because I could not see a resolution in sight otherwise. After a few minute of deafening silence she spoke up. However, her voice was filled with love and not anger.
"I know you want me to just go back to sleep and leave you alone with your thoughts. However, I simply cannot do that. You must know that I love you too much to just leave you out here alone when you are obviously in some kind of distress. I'm very worried. What could be so bad that you can't even tell me? Nothing is so bad that we can't handle it together. Please my darling."
She held out her hand to entice me inside and I held my hand to touch her soft skin. We went inside and I told her everything.
She was so sweet and understanding. She knew exactly how to handle the situation. It still amazes me how she knows presisely how to handle me.
I admit I get into moods and I'm not easy. In just a short time, she has figured that all out. She didn't tell me it's OK because she knows it's not. She did not tell me how I should feel or act. Really all she did was hug me and let me say what I needed to say. She also let me be silent when I was tired of talking and just wanted to rest with her.
Finally after a long heavy discussion we made our way back to bed. As we snuggled close into our warm cozy bed, I decided to end the whole heavy discussion on a lighter note.
I suddenly said, "You know my darling it might just help if we sang about our favorite things."
Maria looked at me as if the heavy discussion had strained my brain cells. "Oh, yes aa… Um, I suppose we could." She said in a very surprised voice.
I decided to take this a step further. "Oh, I don't want to sing the original as lovely as it is. Well, my darling I thought we would make up our own VERY private version with very very different lyrics. No offense to cream colored ponies."
She clearly got my meaning. All she could do was exclaim, "GEORG!"
"I'm serious. However, we will not under any circumstances share any of it with the children."
She blushed wildly. We really did think of our own rendition. I'm so well personal that I'm not going to write it down.
Once she loosened up and got used to the idea she came up with some lyrics and verses herself. I must say I was quite proud of her. I'm sure it's painfully obvious but our heavy discussion followed by our rather unsavory song lyrics lead to bigger and better things, much bigger and better things indeed.