Chapter 21-
So sorry for the delay. I had to go back and read a few chapters to make sure I was keeping the story line accurate. Also this is defiantly the longest chapter's I have written.
TRIGGER WARNING- If you've made it this far into the story you know what the story is about and all previous warnings are still in place. Please know your limits.
Enjoy:)
Barba sat quietly in his Living room. He listened to Olivia's muffled cries from the bathroom. When they had arrived at his apartment she had asked to use the bathroom and hadn't come back. He had poured himself a glass of whiskey and sat down on the couch. He heard the toilet flush and the water running in the sink and then crying. He decided it was best to let her be for a few moments.
Barba began to grind his teeth; a bad habit for his childhood. Anytime his father had hurt his mother he felt guilty for not being able to stop him. He would sit in his room grinding his teeth. It was a combination of anger and nerves.
Barba took another large sip of his drink. He tried to wash away the terrible memories of his childhood and his father. He tried to wash away the current situation too. He wanted to hurt Lewis for everything he had done to Olivia. He felt so much guilt for everything that had happened.
Olivia's cries quieted and the water in the sink began to run again for a few moments. When the water stopped he heard the bathroom door open. Barba let out a breath he was holding when Olivia joined him in the living room.
" Are you alright?" Barba whispered his question.
Olivia sat down on the far end of the couch. She shook her head.
"No, I've lost so much…now I'm going to lose my job." Olivia said barely above a whisper
"No you're not. They have no reason to fire you. I'm sure Cragen will give you some time off. Time to heal but that's no reason to fire you." Barba tried to reassure Olivia.
"Amanda knows." Olivia said. Here voice was hollow
"Knows what?" Barba replied his voice breaking a little.
Olivia shook her head.
"Liv you can tell me anything. I won't judge you. And I don't work for the department. Anything you tell me is in confidence." Barba tried to reassure Olivia.
"You don't need any of this in your head." Olivia responded. He voice was distant now.
"It's in your head." Barba responded.
"I've been working with you for almost a year. In that time I've learned that victims need to be heard and believed. I hate that you will never see justice for what Lewis did to you. He's dead but that doesn't seem like enough." Barba tried once again to reassure Olivia.
Barba was mentally prepared for whatever Olivia wanted to share with him.
"She…She knows I…I was …" Olivia tried but her voice failed and she began to cry.
Barba sat next to Olivia. He left room between them but he took a posse that he had seen Olivia take with victims. Comforting but not confining.
"It's okay Olivia. You could say anything that would make me think any less of you." Barba said
'I love you and you could never be less in my eyes.' Was what Barba wanted to say but he held his tongue. He waited to hear what Olivia was going to say.
Olivia look up at Barba. Deep chocolate brown meet beautiful emerald green. Olivia blinked away a few more tears and sucked in a deep breath.
"She Knows I was raped." Olivia deadpanned.
Silence hung between them like a thick fog.
Barba's mind raced he didn't know what to do. He didn't know what to say. 'I'm sorry' seamed to hold to little meaning. He held out his hand and she took it. Silent tears trickled down her face.
"I needed her help to…to redress the burns." Olivia sucked in another deep breath
" My…My thighs have pretty distinctive bruises on them." Olivia voice wavered.
Barba thought to the night before. He had seen most of her body and hadn't noticed bruises.
"He…Lewis raped me right before you found me… The bruising hadn't shown up by time you showed up last night. I didn't even notice them until I got dressed this morning" a fresh set of tears rushed down Olivia's face.
Barba raised a finger slowly and wiped away Olivia's tears.
" Tell me…Please tell me what happened." Barba said giving Olivia's hand a gentle squeeze.
" The last day was the worst. I was in the back seat of a car. He stopped to get some things. I got loose from the car. This couple tried to help me. Lewis shot them." Olivia said. A sob racked her body.
Barba pulled Olivia closer to him.
"He drove me to a cabin. Then he dragged me through the woods. We got to another cabin. He pushed me inside. He cuffed me to a bed. Then he forced more drugs and alcohol…he said he was trying to 'loosen me up'…he threatened me, Stripped me, tortured me, bound me, touched me…then he climbed on top of me. I think I was in shock at that point. Then he raped me." Olivia choked out
Barba continued to rub circles on her back. He traced her fingers with his thumb as he held her hand.
"He climbed off of me…burned me with a cigarette…I screamed. I shouldn't have screamed. He got off on it." Olivia sobbed.
"Look at me." Barba commanded.
When Olivia's eyes were back on Barba he continued.
"He was a monster. You have nothing to feel guilty about. None of this is your fault." Barba stated firmly
Olivia nodded slightly. Barba was trying to help her. It didn't help much but he was trying.
"He climbed back on top of me…started raping me again…I was so…gone. I didn't offer any resistance. He…He couldn't maintain…He got off and started burning me…" Olivia motioned to the burns on her legs. The burns she had told him she hadn't felt.
"He…got upset that he wasn't getting a reaction…he uhm…" Olivia started but couldn't continue.
" I can't." Olivia sobbed.
"It's okay Olivia." Barba stroked her hair.
"You can tell me. You don't have to though." Barba said softly
"he…he took my…my um…my gun… and he pushed it into me…" Olivia said. She began to cry hard.
Barba realized he had been crying the whole time. The collar of his shirt was covered in tears. He brushed away his tears and then he wiped away Olivia's.
"When I didn't respond the way he wanted he left…he left the key in the hand cuffs and the gun on the floor." Olivia sighed to regain her composure.
"I freed myself the cuffs. I got dressed, wiped my gun off…it had a lot of blood on it…my head was getting fuzzy from the drugs so I sat down against the wall… I heard foot step…" Olivia's voice had started out clear but as she continued to talk it began to fade in to choky sobs.
"I…I thought Lewis was coming back…I couldn't face him again…I held the gun up…" Olivia's voice broke again'
Barba felt fresh tears running down his face. He realized she had thought there presence in the cabin had been Lewis coming back to hurt her. He felt his heart break even more.
"I was so afraid, and embarrassed, and in so much pain." Olivia cried hard leaning in to Barba.
"I'm so sorry Liv. It's over now. It's going to be okay." Barba whispered into her hair as held her.
Barba held Olivia for a long time and just let her cry. He didn't know what to do. He felt frozen. He felt like things would never be okay again. He was a fixer. That's why he become a layer; to fix things. He was at a loss at how to fix this. She cried into his shirt and he cried into her hair as he held her.
Barba sat alone on the couch again. Olivia had diapered into the bathroom again. He could still hear her crying. It was faint and broken.
When she returned her eyes were red and her face was blotchy.
"Are you okay?" Barba asked
"I don't know anymore." Olivia stated in a raspy voice.
Barba nodded. He wasn't sure he was alright or not anymore either.
"Are you in pain?" Barba said.
He hopped that if it was something as simple as physical pain he might be able to do something to help.
" No. The pain meds have numbed me up pretty well." She said gesturing with her bandaged wrist.
" Ok. Do you want something to drink? Some water or tea?" Barba offered.
Olivia shook her head. Nothing sounded good.
"I can go make up the spare bedroom; if you just want to get some sleep?" Barba tried again.
"No. I don't think I'll be able to sleep. My body is numb but my mind is twisted in knots." Olivia said looking toward the far side of the living room where a large picture window looked out at the city.
Olivia stood and slowly walked to the window and looked out at the dark city. The city lights twinkled. It was like looking down on the stars. It accurately expressed how she felt at the moment. Like the world, at least her world had been somehow turned upside down.
Olivia jumped at a noise close behind her.
" Sorry." Barba said as he stepped beside her.
Olivia just shook her head.
"Do you know why Elliot was at the station?" Olivia asked softly.
"When I talked to him this morning he said he was going to head there. He just wanted to stay close to the city." Barba replied. He took a few glances in Olivia's direction. He noticed the beginning of tears welling up in her beautiful brown eyes.
"He wanted to stay close to me." Olivia scoffed.
Barba wasn't sure what do now. He knew very little about Elliot. He knew even less about Elliot and Olivia's relationship. He knew that they were partners for over a decade. Something that was unheard of for most partners. He knew that Elliot had left after a shooting in the precinct. Through the rumor mill he had heard that they had a very close relationship. Some people had even implied a romantic or at least a sexual relationship. Barba was never one to buy into rumors though.
"Elliot and I worked as equals for years. We were the best kind of partners. We had a high conviction rate. We could anticipate what the other was going to do. We could communicate completely through looks and body language. I loved my job then. Having someone I was so in sync with. Working with my best friend." Olivia reminisced.
A slight smile graced Olivia's lips. This sign of happiness brought a smile to Barba's face as well.
"But… With every up there is a down. We put each other before the job a few times. Things got stressful. We were just too close." Olivia sighed and lowered her head.
Barba gave her a glance with a raised eye brow. He wasn't judging her but he was curious.
"No councilor. It was never like that." Olivia said with a slight laugh.
"It was…It was indescribable. I really don't know what to call it. It was never a physical relationship. We didn't even hug except for a couple times when things really warranted it. Like when I saved his wife and newborn son and almost died myself. Or when I held one of your predecessors in my arms as she bleed to death from a slit throat…we both needed the comfort of human contact. But our relationship was more intellectual, and trust based. More of a tactic we developed to handle the horrors we see on this job." Olivia sighed wrapping her arms around herself.
"You wanted more though?" Barba asked.
Olivia shook her head.
"He was married. I never wanted more than we had….I just didn't want to lose what we had. But I did. No one really stay's in my life." Olivia sighed again.
She walked back to the couch and sat down gently. Just because she wasn't feeling the pain didn't mean she wasn't still broken.
Barba watched Olivia for a few moments from the far side of the room. He hated to see the pain she was in. She had suffered a hard long road of life. Now here she sits facing down yet another horrific piece.
Olivia pulled her phone from her pocket to check the time. Olivia then noticed all of the notifications. She wasn't sure she was ready to see the desperate pleas of her co-workers trying to find her.
"I hate to ask, but can you do something for me?" Olivia asked.
Barba walked back over to the couch and sat on the opposite side.
"Anything." Barba responded.
"My phone… It's full of notification. I'm glad I have it back, and I didn't even notice them last night. Would you look through them? Delete the ones…The ones when you were all trying to find me." Olivia asked. Red flashed on her face. She had never been an easily embarrassed person. But everything that had happened made her feel ashamed of her body, her fears, and her need for help.
"Yeah Liv, I can do that. Do you just want the ones from me and the squad deleted?" Barba asked trying to clarify.
Olivia only nodded. She then handed the phone to Barba.
Barba clicked on the text first. They were all from him and the rest of the squad. He clicked at the top and deleted them all. He then clicked on the voicemail icon. He held the phone to his ear and waited for the messages to start playing. Desperate pleas from Nick and Fin at first. Then the voicemails he had left for her after he had gotten her voicemail. There was one from Brian and one from the captain. Barba deleted them all.
When he reached her call log he paused.
"I've just been deleting everything. You have some calls from numbers that aren't in your phone do you want me to skip those?" Barba inquired.
Olivia nodded. She may have spent the last few days in hell. But she still had open cases. Even if all she could do was call the numbers back and get a name and what case they were calling about she could at least pass the information to someone in the squad.
Barba walked his fingers through her call log. He deleted all the calls from himself, the squad, The D.A.s office, 1PP, the media numbers that he recognized.
"Here." Barba said handing her the phone back.
Olivia scrolled through the phone numbers. There were a few she recognized that had already been addressed. There was only one number she didn't recognize.
"Do you know this number? It's the only one I don't know. It's from right around the time I got home that night…Right after I talked to you." Olivia said handing the phone back to Barba.
Barba took the phone. He stared to type the number in. Elliot's contact popped up.
"It's Elliot." Barba said
Olivia thought about the chances of that. He would call her. Finally reach out just in time for her world to be torn apart again. She took her phone back.
"I was really rough on him. I just don't know how to talk to him after all this time has passed. The last time we were apart for a while we had the job to fall back on." Olivia sighed. thinking of her time undercover in Oregon.
Barba just shrugged. He had no real experience reconnecting with people. They were either still in his life or they weren't.
Olivia taped on the number and opened a text message.
'I'm sorry for yelling last night. When you have time we should talk.'
Olivia was still very emotional and now wasn't the right time to talk to Elliot. Still she wasn't ready to let him walk out of his life.
She saved the number and turned her phone off.
Olivia sighed. She was ready for bed. Today had been exhausting and the meds were adding to the sleepiness.
"I should try and sleep. I'm not sure how well I'll sleep but I need to try.
Barba stood and walked out of the room. After a few minutes he returned and held out his hand to Olivia. She took his hand and stood up from the couch. Barba gently lead her from the living room into the spare bedroom.
On the bed were a t-shirt and a pair of sweat pants.
"Thank you Rafael." Olivia said making eye content. She was thankful to have a friend like him in her life. He was caring and willing to listen. She hoped he knew how thankful she was.
"Good night Liv." Barba said walking out of the room and closing the door softly behind him.
Olivia stood in silence for a moment. She slowly removed the cloths she was wearing and redressed in the pajamas she had been offered.
Olivia slowly climbed into bed. She lay flat on her back. It was her least favorite position to sleep in. Between the damaged ribs and wrists and the burns; it was her option.
Olivia lay still in the bed. She could hear the street below the window buzzing with traffic. The sound was comforting. The smell of the apartment was also comforting.
Olivia mentally kicked herself for finding comfort in Barba's smell again. She had once read that smell was the most sensitive sense when dealing with memories. Somehow despite their short time working together, He had been a comforting presence. It was like an old friend coming back. Olivia slowly closed her eyes and darkness overcame her.
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