Orbit of Korlus

It was certainly a busy day aboard the Normandy.

Looking trough it's port-side windows, one could see why planet below was called "garbage scow with a climate". Ugly black and brown clouds dominated much of its atmosphere and around the Normandy there were dozens of spaceships being stripped of their vital components before their husks were dropped onto the rotten surface of Korlus.

Elijah was thinking who could possibly live and work there and somehow be of such importance that commander Shepard went down to recruit them. Garrus shed some light on the matter, it was a krogan warlord, an exceptionally old one. Undoubtedly cranky, too.

Garrus, chef and few other crew members were discussing the mission as they followed it over the Vakarian's omni-tool. Shepard has made the decision to take Mordin and Miranda with her. Doctor expressed desire to meet the krogan who apparently was also a scientist to boot, while Miranda as Cerberus representative was meant to formalize the deal they made months ago. That left the resident turian sniper out and he was not very happy, but he told he understood it. Shepard kept her teams in rotation.

Things didn't go as planned. Almost from touchdown the ground squad had to deal with huge amount of Blue Suns and unusually large number of krogans. Breaking into the depths of the facility cut the signal for a while, but as they reached the higher levels contact was restored. Elijah suspected it was the moment when Garrus could breathe a little easier.

Final fight, curses shouted by the Blue Sun leader, explosions and screams barely made any sense. It all ended with krogan warlord scientist dead and Shepard asking for a pick-up to bring a huge tank with a "perfect krogan solider" inside that warlord has made. She described whole ordeal as "not a bad for Sunday morning".

"Only Shepard." Garrus commented with a chuckle.

Later that day

Elijah just finished washing the dishes when a very loud "thud" was heard trough the ship. He didn't know what it was, only that it was so serious that Garrus, Chakwas and Miranda all rushed out of their rooms toward the elevator.

Ten minutes passed by and nothing more was heard. First to return was Chakwas, rubbing her templates and murmuring about needing a drink. Miranda and Garrus came back next, each recovering from a shock. Miranda went to her office, while Garrus stopped by Elijah and asked for a glass of turian brandy. Chef poured him and Garrus finished it in one go.

"So? What happened?" Elijah asked.

Garrus huffed ."Shepard decided to play with everybody's nerves and her life. Again. I swear, if the bullet doesn't get me first, she definitely will."

"What did she do?"

"You know the tank with 'super krogan' they collected this morning?"

Elijah paused before realizing the obvious. "Let me guess: she opened it?"

"Not only that, she did it alone. Without bothering to notify anyone. She said she had to 'earn its respect' or something."

"Oh crap."

"My thoughts exactly." Garrus said that as he heard elevator doors opening again "Stay sharp, I think they are coming your way." He patted chef on the shoulder as he went to his post.

"Those are the showers and the toilets, and this is the mess hall. Here you can eat, or just pick up food and go downstairs, however you like it." Shepard said as she was giving orange krogan with sliver crest the tour.

"And this is our chef – Elijah. He prepares our food. Elijah, this is Grunt. Can you make something for him? I need to do a few things. Will be back in ten to twenty minutes." she turned to Grunt again "Grunt, don't hurt anyone, I will be back soon."

Grunt grunted in acknowledgment, but kept his gaze in the human.

Elijah kept his gaze on the krogan as well, studying him.

Odd silence lasted for full two minutes. Finally the krogan broke it.

"What are you looking at, human?"

"Your crest." Elijah said calmly.

"What of it?"

"It's silvery and separated. You are … quite young."

"I was born twenty minutes ago. " Grunt commented.

"Impressive."

"If you are in awe, you should be. I am a perfect krogan."

"Well, mister 'perfect', what can I get you?" Elijah said sarcastically.

Grunt didn't appreciate it.

"Your voice. It's mocking me." he leaned in closer to the chef "It's not wise to do that, human."

Elijah didn't budge back, but he didn't feel very comfortable either. And the korgan noticed it.

"Your eyes. They are reacting, shrinking. Human response to danger. You are afraid of me." Grunt said.

"Maybe." Elijah took a small breath "But it wouldn't be wise to threaten your cook, Grunt."

"And what could you do? You are no warrior like Shepard."

"I am not. I am worse."

Grunt blinked, wondering how that could even be a possibility.

"Shepard? She is quick. One bullet and you are done. End of story. Me? I would just cook you a meal. With some delicious mushrooms. You would think you had the best meal in the galaxy. Nothing would happen for two months. And then…"

Elijah paused. He got the young krogan's attention.

"And then you would start leaking every possible fluid from every hole on your body. For the rest of your days. You would be bound to bed, leaking. Totally unable to … fight."

Now it was Grunt's eyes that were reacting to fear.

"So think carefully who you threaten, Grunt."

There was a short silence again.

"You … You wouldn't dare do that, would you?" Grunt asked.

Elijah smiled. "Naaaaaah, of course I wouldn't! I was just messing with you. There are no such mushrooms."

Grunt smiled back. "Hee hee hee, you are good. You got me."

"You got me too. You wouldn't hurt me, no?" he said and Grunt actually paused to think.

"Maybe if I was really hungry. Like now. I could eat two of you."

"Well, in that case, let's get you something ready, since there isn't two of me to go around." Elijah said as he quickly opened the fridge and took out whatever meat was at hand. While the tankborn slowly devoured the given food, the chef went to freezer to pick up more.

One hour later

Shepard walked back in the mess hall and to her pleasant surprise saw Grunt standing peacefully next to Elijah, eating whatever the chef was making. They seemed to be in middle of a conversation too.

"… so one time we had a crack in the wall and ammonia from the volus room was leaking into the reinforced room for the krogan. But that night there mixed groups of krogans and elcors. And both were wondering who was making the horrible smell. Each though it was the other group." Elijah spoke.

"What happened then? Did they get into a fight?" Grunt asked.

"No, in fact they took it as a challenge. Drunken idiots, all of them."

Shepard was now intrigued as well.

"They all ordered whatever would burn trough their intestines faster and then they had a farting contest."

"Dare I ask who won?" Shepard asked.

"The krogan, of course."

"HA!" Grunt shouted.

"Sixteen people had to be hospitalized later, mostly the victors." Elijah picked another piece of meat and placed it onto the Grunt's plate. "We made a lot of 'terminus chili' that night. Normally we just make few of those a month. They burn trough pans after a while. Mighty acidic food."

"I want to try it. Can you make some now?" Grunt asked between two bites.

Shepard held her breath, mortified of the consequences.

"Sorry, Grunt. I would need batarian beans and ryncol for it." Elijah replied.

"Awww." the krogan said, saddened. Shepard on the other hand mentally breathed a sigh of relief.

"I'm sure there will be chances for that, Grunt." she patted the big krogan sympathetically on the shoulder, while she gave the chef a silent 'no'. Elijah nodded and winked to her in understanding.

"I will wait for that day, then." he placed his empty plate on the desk and turned around to leave.

"Shepard."

"Grunt."

"Food shaman."

"Grunt."

With that, the krogan left. Shepard turned around to Elijah.

"Food shaman, huh?"

"Well, that's apparently the most approximate way to describe my job. I just talked to Grunt how many years I trained, how much tests I had to pass before becoming a chef and that I have to be perfect at my job every day without exceptions. Somehow, my job is close to what krogan shamans do."

Shepard chuckled at the comparison. "Wrex told me long time ago about their shamans. They have tough job, but he never went into details. I only know its grueling work. Guess being called a 'food shaman' should be a badge of honor."

"That's much better than the name hanar gave to my profession. Most of them are vegetarians, so to a great lot of them killing animals for food is barbaric. Non-hanar chefs are called 'ones who plays with slaughter', approximately." Elijah said.

"You are kidding me?"

"Wish I did. Damn space jellyfishes were the ones who blocked me from opening a new slaughterhouse on the Citadel. Some krogan and turian patrons actually offered to 'pay them a visit' and make them 'see reason'. Had to say no."

"And to think I was annoyed to be called 'Lioness of Elysium'." Shepard smiled.

Elijah whispered. "I think you were called that because of that one vacation picture where all your muscles and scars are visible in a tiny bikini."

That grunted in annoyance. "Dammit, that picture just won't go away."

"Long live the extranet." chef fist bumped the air.

Shepard flipped him the bird. "Fuck the extranet."

"Fuck it? Why?" Just at that moment Garrus decided to come back. Shepard froze.

"You don't know of that picture of Shepard?" Elijah said and opened his omni-tool.

Shepard face started to sweat. "Don't you dare!"

Elijah hit the send button. "Too late."

A beep was heard from the Garrus's own omni-tool. He looked up. "Oooooh, the picture Liara had as her omni-tool background."

"The WHAT?"

Thanks for all the reviews, and to those following and faving the story as well. I will answer reviews in private messages. Also - I was told I lack bit in grammar. Any interested beta readers out there?