13Normandy's bunk beds
Omni-tool beeped in the dead of night, waking Elijah up. He gave it a look. Someone was trying to open the fridge and didn't have the authorization for it. That was odd. As far as he knew all personnel on the ship had access to it.
Never the less, he decided to go check it out. No bothering to put on his pants, Elijah just walked out in his shirt and boxers and saw the source of the trouble. An angry half-naked tattooed woman was punching at the fridge, hissing profanities at the EDI who was repeating that access can't be granted.
"Oh yeah, the convict we picked up yesterday." Elijah said to himself. Grunt told him all about it. He was so impressed with the destruction which 'Jack' caused that Shepard and Garrus had to hold him back, in case young krogan rushed off to 'see it up close'. Shepard warned him that Jack had personal issues with Cerberus, so he better stay professional with her, though the commander doubted the convict would dare cause too much trouble.
While any other time he would enjoy a sight of half-naked female of any specie, middle of the night just wasn't it. He walked slowly to Jack and tapped her on the shoulders. She looked at him angrily.
"What the fuck do you want?"
"To stop vandalizing the fridge." Elijah replied calmly.
"This stupid piece of shit won't open!" she said.
"Were you given the access for it?"
"Who the fuck needs access for a damn fridge?"
Elijah held the urge to rub his temples. Access was given for a reason, since there was a dextero and a levo section. To avoid mixing the food leftovers by the crew, everyone were given access to their respective chirality. And someone forgot to give her permission. Or this woman was so rude they didn't bother with it.
"EDI, would you please grant her access to the levo fridge?"
"Understood. Access granted." EDI chimed and with a pop the fridge opened.
"Finally!" woman said and started looking for food.
Elijah grunted. Woman didn't even bother to say a simple 'thank you'. He looked at his omni-tool. Still could catch two hours or so of sleep before having to get up again to prepare breakfast for the morning shift. Might as well prepare it now and catch a nap after.
He went back to his bunk bed to change clothes and pick his apron. As he walked again to the kitchen, tattooed convict was messing with the stove, trying to figure out which of the buttons did what. She noticed him coming to her again.
"Back so soon? What do you want now? I stopped vandalizing the fridge."
"So I can see. Now you are vandalizing the stove."
"Don't tell me I need authorization for this too?"
"No, but I could help, if you would let me?"
"I can cook my own food, Cerberus fridge boy. What are you? Fucking chef?"
Elijah raised his apron and showed the Michelin man and two stars that were on it. Jack's eyes focused on it for a moment before she realized their significance.
"Well fuck me sideways. Shepard must be richer then I thought to hire your ass." she said.
"What can I say? Being a chef is basically being a whore." That made her crack a small chuckle.
"Albeit an expensive whore." Elijah said as he tied the apron "I think we got on a wrong foot. Let's try this again. I am Elijah and I don't work for Cerberus, by the way." he offered his hand.
"Not Cerberus, eh?" her eyes measured him for a few second before shaking his hand "Well at least you don't have their fucking logo anywhere. I'm Jack."
"My pleasure. Now - what were you trying to make?"
Jack pointed at the small pile of food on her side "Just bacon and eggs. And some chocolate chips. I missed them so bad even before being in the cryo back at the Purgatory."
"Want help?" Elijah offered.
"Yeah. Besides, you are paid to do that, ain't ya, whore?" she teased with a smile.
"That I am. Take a seat at the mess table. It'll be done soon." Elijah didn't even flinch at the insult. It seemed like a norm with this woman.
"I'd rather not. Here I am further away from that Cerberus bitch of a cheerleader." Jack spoke with venom in mouth.
"Miranda?"
Jack nodded in response. "Bravo, you got in one."
Elijah started cracking eggs and slicing the bacon. "Can't comment much on her personality, but her … 'arguments' … leaves one deep in though."
Jack walked to the fridge and picked a beer. "Cheerleader has big melons, I'll give her that."
As eggs started frying, chef gave the convict a look. He had noticed earlier, but only now could he give her tattoos a proper looked. They certainly were fascinating. Fact that she was only wearing few belts left little to imagination.
"Enjoying the view?" Jack sipped her beer and looked at the chef's forehead "Nice scar. Where did you get it?"
A year old story by now, but one which Elijah liked to retell.
"Drunk krogan customer in a bad mood." he removed the eggs from the pan and put bacon instead "Poor bastard came very depressed at my restaurant. Week before that he had testicular transplant. Krogan folk cure for the genophage, I was later told. Didn't work well for him. Expensive operation, too."
"Yeah, I heard about it. Ten thousand credits for a single nut, forty thousand for the whole set." Jack noted.
"I know. He shouted all night about wasted money and how operation didn't work. But not only did it not work, it got complicated. Apparently the purchased nuts were infected with some … god-knows-what rotting disease."
"That shit doesn't sound good at all." Jack said as Elijah put finished bacon and eggs on her plate. She smiled and started devouring the food. Chef in the meantime started mixing the cookie dough.
"But that was not the best part. Krogan got even more drunk and started talking in details about the infection. This is what he said." Elijah cleared his throat "I went to salarian doctor. He said he had to cut all of my nuts off."
Jack chuckled. Chef was good at imitating krogan voice.
"Then I told him to piss off and went to a turian doctor. He also told me he had to cut them all off. I told him to go fuck himself and went to a human doctor. I told him what the other two fuckers told me and then he gave it a look. Finally he told me he would not have to cut them off. I was so happy, happy beyond reason. And! And then he said…" Elijah faked a krogan sobbing "…'No need to cut them, they will fall off themselves!'"
Jack totally lost her shit, laughing out and chocking on her food. "Oh god, that's fucking hysterical!" she kept herself from falling on her ass from the laughing fits.
"That's what the whole restaurant was thinking and we just couldn't hold the laughter back." Elijah said "Now THAT got him very pissed. He flipped the table and started shouting at the customers, threatening to rip all of our nuts."
He added chocolate powder at the cookie dough and continued mixing "Turians and some humans in the restaurant were all ready for the fight, other people and employees were quite nervous, so I had to calm the krogan."
"Now you are shitting me. You had the balls to calm the krogan?" Jack asked.
"Had more balls than him anyway." Elijah said with a smile "Tried my best at calm him at first and after I threatened to call C-Sec, but then he started pushing me and I didn't liked it very much. So I took a step back and took 'you want troubles, cunt?' pose. The krogan instantly started to take a step forward, but while he was standing on just one leg, I headbutted him with all the force I could muster."
"Nice."
"He fell straight on his ass, but so did I. Had a massive gash over my head, blood coming like waterfall from it. Doctor said he was amazed my skull didn't crack because krogan's crest did." Elijah rubbed his forehead.
"What happened after?" Jack placed her dirty dishes into the sink "Cops came?"
"Yeah. One of waiters had the brains to call them. Luckily, the krogan didn't do much damage besides broken glass and torn sheet. I had no heart to press charges against him. C-Sec was in fact more fascinated that I managed to walk and give detailed account of the event." Elijah poured the finished cookie dough into the molds and placed them in the oven.
"Cops laughed their asses off when I told them what happened. A week later an asari officer from C-Sec even came to my restaurant and give me printed and framed report of the events."
"Fuck me. Really?"
"She called it 'the funniest goddess-damn report in the last fifty cycles I made'."
Jack rubbed her chin, thinking. "Now I am interested in what happened fifty years that was funnier."
"So was I. She wouldn't tell me, though." he gave the cookies a look "These should be done in twenty minutes or so. I have to prepare breakfast for the whole ship now, so you'll excuse me." Elijah opened trap door in the floor and entered the large freezer.
Jack looked over the edge "Sweet. I didn't know we had corpse storage. Cerberus fuckers really do think of everything. Will make it lot easier to keep cheerleader's ass in mint condition before I sell her to vorcha."
Elijah gave her a concerned look, because he really didn't know if Jack was serious or kidding.