Authors note: Hey guys just wanted to let you know that the subject matter in this story is very personal to me and I felt that I wanted to share it with you guys.
Usual business: Nope not mine; Alex Walkinshaw would have been shirtless a lot if I'd have owned the rights to the bill.
Sometimes Stevie felt like she was standing in a room screaming and no one can hear her!
Her voice was straining and she could feel the scratchy pain in the back of her throat, but still she got no response. Watching the busy investigation room in CID she felt like she was one step behind the rest of the world, just slightly out of sync not enough for anyone to notice. But she knew!
Her thoughts were interrupted and she glanced up at the cheeky detective grinning at her "What's up Mickey?"
"I said are you going to Gina's leaving do this evening?"
She pulled a slight face "I wasn't planning to,"
"Aww come on Moss," he grinned, "I need my drinking buddy,"
"Gina and I aren't exactly what you'd call friends are we,"
"Maybe not. But Smithy will be there," he grinned.
She knew he was teasing her; he always did when it came to Smithy. Sergeant Dale Smith was one of those men that all the girls wanted. Stevie included! You never saw him without female attention. His good looks, charm and sexy smile had always gotten him whoever he wanted. She just wished that he saw her as more than just a friend.
"Stop daydreaming about Smithy," he teased again.
"Were not in primary school Mickey," she bit "Are you like five or something,"
He laughed loudly "So you coming out or not?"
Placing a hand on her shoulder he looked at her with concern "I'm worried about you Stevie. You'd tell me if something was wrong right,"
She gave him a half hearted smile; she couldn't muster up a full one. She wanted so desperately to tell him what was wrong, but until she knew herself she didn't know what to tell him. "Of course I would Mickey. You're my bestie," she grinned putting on the best fake smile she could "I'm just feeling a bit out of sorts right now,"
She nodded "Give me a couple of days and I'll be partying with the rest of them,"
"Ok," he squeezed her shoulder before heading towards the door "Just hurry up will you, this tea total nun thing you've had going on the last couple of weeks just ain't working for me anymore,"
He was gone before she had time to respond. Heading back over to her desk she began looking through her paper work. She was currently working on a domestic violence case with uniform. Normally CID would have very little to do with it, but the victim was the ex girlfriend of a known drug dealer. There was a theory that he had paid someone to give her a beating to teach her a lesson. She had given evidence against him in court and he was looking at getting revenge. Stevie stared at the brutal images of the victim, she had seen many a horrific sight in her time but for some reason his incident really seemed to be getting to her.
The only way to describe it was that she could feel herself falling! A feeling of dread rising through her body. Everything seemed so pointless, and she could feel her resolve starting to break.
She had to get out of here. She began to feel like she was being suffocated, the room was getting smaller and she was struggling to breath properly. She headed quickly out of the room and down the corridor.
"Stevie," she heard Callum's voice behind her, but she ignored it. She pushed the door open with some force and headed over to the sink. Resting her hands on the basin she looked up into the mirror before bursting into tears.
She was hysterical; the tears just wouldn't stop falling. She could feel the pressure building in her head. She just wanted to scream. What the hell was wrong with her? She felt like she was drowning, losing her grip on everything. Stevie Moss didn't breakdown, she didn't burst into tears because she felt a little sad. This was crazy!
After spending fifteen minutes sitting in one of the cubicle's sobbing she had finally managed to calm herself down. She attempted to mask her red and blotchy face by washing it, but if she was honest it hadn't done a thing to help. She slipped out of the toilets hoping not to be seen. She needed to just get out of here, all the thoughts running through her head made her feel like she was about to explode. Running down the stairs as quick as she could she crashed through the doors to the front office and straight into the path of someone.
"Easy," the voice called and she recognised it instantly. Cringing inside she tried to keep her face hidden as she tried to pull out of his grip.
"Sorry," she whispered. She just wanted to slip away unseen. She didn't want anyone seeing her like this, especially him.
His voice confirmed that he knew it was her "Stevie?" he asked concerned.
She nodded trying desperately not to look at him. He gently lifted her chin and she could see the concern for her in his soft green eyes. His eyes were the first thing that had attracted her to him. They were always so warm and inviting, just like his smile. That and his great arse were the reason she had taken an interest in him to begin with.
"Stevie?" he questioned again "What's wrong sweetheart?" He may not ever be more than a friend, but a good friend he defiantly was and she knew she could trust him with her life.
Looking up at him sadly she answered in nothing more than a whisper "I don't know Smithy," she could feel her eyes begin to water again "And that's the problem, I just don't know,"
Heading out past him, she hoped that he wouldn't follow. She just needed some time to clear her head.
The harsh cold wind bit at Stevie's skin and she was sure that in this one moment she was at one with the element. Nobody understood the thoughts that raced through her head. No one got how everything else paled in significance with this one moment. Time seemed to stand still.
She thought of those she cared for, her parents, and her brother, Mickey, Smithy the list went on. None of them knew what it was like to walk in her shoes, to live in her head. None of them understood the feeling of standing on this ledge high above the rest of the world wondering if she jumped she would fly or fall.