tHe eNd dRaWs nEaR,
t͉̦̝͚̮͍̝ͯͯͪͩ̀̾̌H̟̱͍̩͈̹ê̑ͮ̓ͩ͗̊r̜̓̍Ẹ̲̫̑ͥ ̩͎̇̐͑̃ͥ̿̑s̯̤̜̙̯ͩ͒͌ͪ̑̚H̠ä̬̻̹̥͈̰́L̫͚̺̤̔̇ͯL̗̔ ͖ͬ̆̽̋̇̋͆oͯ̎ͪ͂n̙̮̞͍̲͖͇͆́̓̊͌͆L̲̱ͮͫẙ͇̼̣̭̺̽̓ͦͬ ͍̺̘̮̲̱͒̃̅ͬb̗͗ͤ͌̑̎͌̓E̗̫͚ͬ̍ ̿ͪͫ̀͒ͦ̚o̦̰̬̦͎͌͑̄̀ͦňE̤̪͙ͤͅ

Storm clouds rumble overhead. You move through the hollow town anxiously. You're not sure what is going on but you need to find shelter before Bill does something insane. You've reached the town. People go about their daily business. Everything seems perfectly normal, except for one small detail.

Everyone's eyes are yellow slits like Bill's.

Children play in the streets, shooting each other with water guns that shoot a substance that you can't identify. You see Toby Determined trying to use a knife as his very own microphone, which ends in him accidentally slicing his mouth. Tyler the biker walks around wearing puma and panther skin sown together (and you swear it's still alive).

Something is very, very wrong here.

Thunder rumbles and you see Lazy Susan pull out an umbrella. You look around for something to protect yourself from the storm.

It starts raining cats and dogs.

No, literally. It literally starts raining a variety of cats and dogs. There's hissing and barking as they hit the pavement. You scream. Some of the townsfolk have pulled out nets to try to catch them. Their efforts are in vain though. You watch as a German Shepherd lands in a broken position on the pavement in front of you and you scream.

This is sick. You don't know how you could ever have laughed at this shit. It's sick and wrong.

You watch as a cat falls from the sky, and promptly just lands on its feet. It looks at you, as if daring you to ask how it did it. You don't ask anything. It walks away in a huff.

A second cat lands on your face. You are not quite sure how to react to this new development. Your reaction time is not that great. You yell as it starts clawing up your face. You throw it onto the ground and it leaves in a huff. You curse to yourself, and depending on your age, your curse words sound different. How the f*ck am I supposed to know what kind of f*cking curse words you f*cking use, motherf*ckers?

You feel like vomiting still as you see pet after pet hit the ground with cracks. You think you can hear Bill laughing at you but it's just quiet enough that you're not sure if it's real or just the sound of you slowly becoming insane yourself. You don't want to think about the latter option. All that's left is to see how the folks at the Mystery Shack were corrupted. Maybe you can get something out of this after all.

Probably not, but it's not like Bill's gonna let you back through the portal. That'd be contrived and completely out of character for him. Nope, no way that's ever happening.

Right on cue, the triangular abomination materializes in front of you and snaps his fingers. A golden portal opens in front of you.

Hey, I see you're feeling homesick! Here, have a portal back home! No charge!

You step closer warily and the projection of a face extends from the portal, screaming shrilly. You answer the scream with your own scream, scrambling backwards. Bill's just laughing.

Heh, just kidding! Not letting you off the hook that easy!

Suddenly, he's floating upside-down behind you, pen and paper in hand. Anyways, I've got a few questions for you. They'll be easy to answer, don't worry!

You ask what happens if you don't comply.

He chuckles. I'll remove your bones and use them to play fetch! Man, that three-legged Great Dane can run! Hey, speakin' of which, you mind if I borrow your skull and beat you to death with it? What's that? You say that's not physically possible? Ha ha, I take pride in proving people wrong!

You sigh, no longer having the energy to be terrorized by Bill's threats. You're sure he could do any of them at any time he wanted. You might as well answer his questions.

SO! Explain to me your favorite ships about this show! C'mon, don't be shy! I PROMISE that whatever you've done, I've done a helluva lot worse.

You mutter something appropriately predictable about whatever the fuck the Gravity Falls ships are. As you keep talking, your mind starts to drift to some NSFW images you found online.

To your horror, you realize that there's a thought bubble above your head showing Bill everything. You backpedal, trying to erase the image from your head but all you do is bring it to the forefront. Bill is watching in barely contained amusement. The asshole seems to only have two settings, amused and angry. A stray thought crosses your mind that if he turns red when angry, maybe he turns blue when sad?

You'd better drop the subject before you find out what makes me turn brown. Anyways, thanks for the entertainment! But hey, I've got better ideas than...Pinecest, or ships involving me! I've got a reputation to uphold! SO! Let's see what I ship!

He turns himself into a lottery machine, humming cheerfully as he picks the two unlucky ones. You are both appalled and enthralled. The two slots show Jeff the gnome, and...Preston Northwest.

Bill snaps his fingers and the gnome hops on top of the rich snob's head. Love is in their eyes. It is clear that they are made for each other. Nothing can keep them apart now. They are together, now and forever.


You are somewhat uncomfortable with this ship. As in, what the flipping fuck just happened. They're probably back at the house now. Your thought bubble starts generating some NSFW stuff again. Bill Cipher starts laughing again, almost in hysterics this time.


He puts his stick arms behind his back (if you can call it a back) and stands on the ground in front of you. Cupid has the best job! Man, this is fun! HA! I think you guys have the right idea with these "crack ships." Hey, maybe once you get back to the real world you can write the first Jeff/Preston fanfiction! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

You back away slowly. You ask if you can just go to the Mystery Shack now. This interruption has ran its course and you don't really feel like holding up a conversation with him any longer. He seems to realize this as well.

Well, in that case! I'ma gonna leave-a you to do whatever it is you want again! So, ta ta, buddy!

He spins around so that he forms a blurring circle before vanishing.

You walk to the Mystery Shack. The door opens and a man with no arms leaves, humming cheerfully.

As you enter, you see that the usual oddities and attractions have been replaced by grotesque ones. You wonder what monster could have done this.

You were wondering that sarcastically, in case you couldn't tell. Let's not get too heavy on tense talk lest nobody understand what anyone's talking about anymore.

Sure enough, there's a head that's always screaming on display, right next to the crazy contortionist disembodied hand, which is constantly snapping and cracking as it contorts itself and makes all the customers wince. You look around for the employees. Wendy is on the ceiling for whatever reason, snoring. She seems fairly normal.

Someone taps you on the shoulder. You turn to see Soos staring at you with his glowing yellow eyes. He waves and smiles affably.

"Hey dude. Can I have your brains?"

You flee the shack, yelling something about zombies.

Soos shrugs, turns around, and gets back to work.

Sorry for the break in things. Shit just happens, you know. Anyways, feel free to review and shit! Man, I use the word shit a lot. Ah well, not much I can do about that except SEE YA NEXT TIME YO!