2So this is my first fic for the 100 and there are so many good authors for the fandom omg but I saw a headcannon on tumblr and decided that I had to write a fic based off of it. This is post season 2, I hope you enjoy it! Thanks to rippingbutterflywings for being my beta!
She didn't stay at Mount Weather for very long. It wasn't her right to mourn those who were lost. Not when she was the reason they were there. She didn't know if she could go in when she got there, but she knew she had to. There was one person in there that she could apologize to.
Maya was right where Jasper had left her. Jasper. Long gone was the carefree kid who had first appeared off of the dropship with goggles carelessly strapped to his head. Clarke's heart dropped to her stomach and she just couldn't breathe. It was her fault. All her fault. Maya hadn't deserved any of this. Jasper hadn't deserved any of this. None of them had deserved this. Maybe there were no good guys, but Maya was the best of them. She stood up for what she believed in, but it had never been her intention to kill anyone. Maya wasn't like her. She wouldn't wipe out an entire population for the survival of her own people. Clarke stood and grabbed Maya underneath her armpits and proceeded to drag her body out the way she had come in. At least she could be at peace out in the world she had worked so hard to get to.
Clarke left Mount Weather after Maya had been buried. There was nothing left for her there. She still didn't know where she would go, but she knew she wouldn't be going to Polis. The only thing she had left with Lexa was a mutual understanding. They were both ruthless. They would both do whatever it took for their people. If Clarke had been in Lexa's position, she knew that she would have done the same thing. Maybe that was why her betrayal hurt so much. She didn't want to have to see herself in someone she cared about.
It was funny, that she had once thought that there was no more room for hurt in her heart after Finn. But Clarke was like a landmine. All she did was hurt those that got close to her.
She had no idea how long she had been walking, but it was getting dark and the truce with the grounders was no longer in place, so she knew that she needed to find shelter. She thought of the bunker, but then immediately decided against the idea. She remembered there being a cave up ahead and decided to head in that direction.
Once she got to the cave, Clarke noticed how tired she really was. Personal exhaustion was just another one of those things she had hidden under her layers of grounder armour. There had been no time for her to show any weakness. But there was no one else around her now, and Clarke couldn't stop herself from sliding her back down the cave wall and pressing her forehead against her knees.
She gave up on fighting the tears that had threatened to spill ever since she had been reunited with her mother, and then again after she had left Bellamy at the gate and of Camp Jaha. Bellamy. She hadn't even thought about the burden she must have been putting on him when she left. They were a team, and if she was being completely honest with herself, neither one of them made the best decisions without the other. But she had just left him to deal with the repercussions of everything. She left him to deal with adults who still held on to power as though it were their own child. It was yet another thing to add to her list of everything she just felt so goddamn guilty for, but it still wasn't enough to make her go back. She couldn't face them.
Monty, who had never wanted to hurt anyone, but had been forced into helping Clarke eliminate an entire population. Raven, who had already lost so much. Her mother, who still looked at her as though she were a ghost of someone she once knew. Jasper, who might never forgive her for what she had done to Maya. Octavia, who had all but promised she would never forgive Clarke for what had happened at Ark. And now Bellamy. The one person she trusted more than anything had the largest right of them all to hate her, yet he still stood by her side. And she left him anyway. She had once asked him to stay, but when he did the same, she wasn't strong enough to do what he had done for her. It's ironic that those you want to hurt the least end up being the ones you hurt the most.
Days turned into weeks, and Clarke was still at the little cave in the woods. Her days were spent gathering food and scratching into the cave walls with rocks she found. They were nothing like the charcoal or pencils she had on the arc or when Finn first came back from the "art supplies store," but it was a way of passing the time as the days dragged on. Clarke more than once wondered what the point was anymore. She was so overwhelmed with guilt that she couldn't even return to the camp, let alone look any of her friends in the eye. Her life couldn't really be considered living, and she wondered if her life would ever be about more than just surviving. She meant every word she had said to Lexa about life being more than survival, but she didn't really know how to do it. And she'd already pushed away anyone who could teach her.
But the days were the easy part. It was at night when she truly had to confront her demons. Nightmares of what she had done plagued her every night; she would wake up in a cold sweat after reliving everything she had done all over again. One night, when her nightmares came, Clarke dreamed that she was walking through the halls of Mount Weather. The bodies were piled from the floor to the ceiling everywhere she went. Then, a little girl approached her. She had radiation burns on every part of skin that was visible under the white dress that she wore. She was pointing at Clarke with a blistery finger. You did this. This is all your fault. Clarke tried to call back to the girl. I'm sorry, she mouthed. I never meant for any of this to happen. I just wanted to save my people. But Clarke couldn't hear herself speak, and the girl crumpled to the ground.
Clarke felt a pair of hands on her shoulders shaking her awake from her nightmare, and she bolted awake. When she sat up, however, she certainly didn't expect to see Octavia Blake sitting across from her in the dim moonlight shining through the cave's entrance.
"Octavia? What are you doing here?" Clarke rasped, her voice thick from sleep and shock.
"What am I doing here? I'm looking for you, Clarke! They wouldn't let anyone leave camp during the day now that the truce with the grounders is over, so I had to sneak out during the night. I've been looking for hours!" Octavia replied, throwing her arms into the air.
"But why are you here, of all people? You should hate me, after everything."
"Look, I know we've had our differences, and I still can't forgive you for Tondc, but—God, Clarke. You haven't seen it. Everyone is dancing around each other. Jasper won't even look at Monty. Raven likes to pretend that she's tougher than everyone, but she still hasn't healed from the bone marrow treatments that they put her through. And Bell—after everything, you would think he'd have the respect of the council, but they still barely even listen to him! It doesn't help matters that he's losing his mind with worry over you all of the time," Octavia said, and Clarke could have sworn she heard vulnerability in her voice. her heart broke knowing that she had placed a burden on Bellamy when she left.
"I don't know what you want from me, Octavia! I can't do anything and I sure as hell can't go back there."
"Bullshit, Clarke. You're the only person who can do something! The council, your mother—they listen to you! They won't treat us like the criminals they thought we were when they sent us down to see if the Earth was livable! Look, I know what happened back there was terrible, but you've had weeks on your own to recover. We need you back now. Leading us. You weren't the only one in that mountain, Clarke, and you sure as hell don't have to do this alone anymore. There are people back there who care about you. Bellamy, Raven—"
"Raven hates me. How could she not, after Finn?" Finn, whose light had gone out in more than one way.
"She knows why you killed him, Clarke. It wasn't for the good of the people; he gave himself up. You were just the one that put him at peace. She understands that now, but you need to come back."
"I don't know if I can, Octavia." Clarke refused to cry in front of Octavia, who had turned all of her weaknesses into strength.
"Yes, you can. You've had your time, and you've blamed yourself enough. Now it's time to get your shit together and come back with me."
Clarke knew that she was fighting a losing battle. As much as she didn't feel like she could, she wanted to see everyone again. And she wasn't about to make her friends feel like they were insignificant. Not again. "Okay," she finally replied. "I'll come back with you."
She and Octavia left early the next morning. The walk to Camp Jaha was only a couple of hours, but they wanted to make it back as quickly as possible. That morning, when she left the cave, Clarke had still been unsure about whether or not she had made the right choice to return, but seeing the smile on Bellamy's face when she walked through the gates made it worth the risk.
The fact that most of them welcomed her back with open arms (and in Bellamy's case, quite literally open arms) surprised her. She didn't understand how they could still even care for her after everything she had done. Her mother even cried when she saw her, and spent a bit longer than normal embracing her, whispering meaningless soothing words like how everything was going to be alright, but it wouldn't. How could it be?
Octavia had been right about Raven, though. She offered Clarke a soft smile and a short hug. She even told her that she had missed her. All wasn't forgiven, and Clarke could see that, but for the time being this would be enough. Jasper, however, was a different story. He wouldn't even spare her a glance. She knew he may never forgive her, but seeing him storm off when she even so much as came home after weeks still hurt like hell.
One of the guards escorted her to her new room in the Ark. She would have to share with her mother, and that in itself would be a struggle. They still had things that they needed to work out between the two of them, and, until everything was resolved, Clarke didn't know if she'd be able to spend lots of time with her within close quarters. But, as earth had shown her, life wasn't fair, and she wasn't about to ask to be moved when they had welcomed her back to camp after she left.
There was a knock on the door, and Bellamy peaked his head into the room to look at her. "Hey, everything alright? You settling in okay?" Bellamy asked her, coming inside to lean against the wall.
"Yeah, I'm fine. Just trying to get back into the swing of everything, you know," she replied, forcing a smile that she knew he would see past. If he did, he didn't mention it.
"Okay, well, if you want to join us for dinner, we'll be sitting at a table outside."
"Thank you," she said and he smiled at her before he turned to leave.
Clarke did end up joining her friends for dinner, but she just sat with them and pushed her food around on her plate while they made easy conversation about jobs that they had been assigned to since their return. She did her best to follow along when Raven mentioned the running water project that she and Wick had been working on, but found herself zoning out often. It didn't help to see Jasper sitting alone at a table not far from them. When he saw her looking at him, however, she saw a brief glimpse of grief cross his expression before he hastily stood up and left.
"Clarke," Raven asked, "were you even listening to what I've been saying for the past five minutes?"
"Hm? Of course, something about running water," she answered, and, from the quizzical look Bellamy shot her, she could tell that once again he saw right past her facade.
"Well, yeah, there was that," Raven went on, "and then there was the generator that Sinclair was talking about. He thinks that we can bring power back to the Ark. Are you okay?"
"Yeah, I'm fine. Sorry, I guess it's just been a long day."
"Go get some rest, Clarke," Monty said.
"But there must still be so much to do, and someone needs to catch me up to speed on what's been going on," she started to protest.
"It can wait until tomorrow, " Raven interjected. "We're just glad to have you back."
"Okay, well, have a good night then, I guess. I'll see you in the morning." She stood up and was almost at the entrance to the Ark when Bellamy caught up to her and grasped her elbow.
"Clarke—"
"Look, Bellamy, I'm fine, alright? I'm just tired." She gently pulled her arm from his grasp and had started to walk away when he called after her.
"You can't push us away forever, Princess."
Princess. No one had called her that since the night of Finn's death. She didn't know what she could say to that, so she settled for walking away from him. She was weak. She could admit it now. She couldn't face her problems, and she couldn't lose those she cared about.
When nighttime came, Clarke knew that the nightmares would still be there, no matter where she was. She hadn't realized how late it was already, but the lights were out in her room and her mother was already asleep. Clarke knew that they would need to have a conversation in the morning before she could convince herself to delay it anymore. She climbed into her bed and waited for sleep to come, knowing that it wouldn't last long.
This time, her nightmare took place in Tondc. She found herself walking through the rubble, and not unlike her dream from the previous night, the pile of bodies just seemed to go on forever. This time, the body she found was someone she knew. It was Octavia.
She was lying on top of a collapsed building with burns all over her body. Clarke collapsed to her knees beside the other girl. When she hit the ground, Octavia's eyes snapped open, and she just stared right back at Clarke.
"You did this," she whispered. "I'm dead because of you."
"No you're not! You're fine! You're back at the Ark with everyone else!" Clarke found herself screaming, trying so hard to believe her own words.
"But this is what could have been, Clarke. You could have killed me, just like you killed all of these people."
"I'm sorry," she was whispering now, and the tears were threatening to spill. "I did it to save Bellamy, Octavia. I did it to save your brother."
"No," she replied, her eyes full of venom. "You did this to save yourself."
Clarke woke up gasping. She tried to catch her breath and slow her heart rate as she glanced frantically toward her mother's bed. Thankfully, she had not woken Abby. Clarke stood up and moved towards the door. She started walking before she even knew where she was going, but once she realized where her feet had taken her she paused outside the door to his room.
Her subconscious must have remembered the way to his room from before she had sent him away to Mount Weather. She paused and leaned on the wall outside his door to recollect her thoughts. He was the only person she could trust to see her vulnerable side, but she would do anything to save him pain. Everyone who got close to her got hurt. She was a landmine, she was a landmine, she was a landmine. All she did was hurt him and he still offered her his forgiveness. Even after she almost got his sister killed. Her dream came rushing back to her and she let out a strangled sob. No one could see her like this. No one but him.
She claimed that Mount Weather was her burden to bear, but he seemed so damn determined to take it upon himself as well. She wouldn't want that for him, and god, she knew he didn't want that for her. And she couldn't do this anymore.
Together, he had once told her. Clarke let out a deep breath and hoped that he still meant it as she knocked softly on his door. He answered almost immediately, and she could tell from his stance that he hadn't slept. His brow furrowed, and she knew the expression on her face must have looked pitiful. She fought against her brain when it told her that she couldn't be vulnerable in front of anyone. What are you doing? it shouted. Vulnerability is weakness. But when she finally won the war and let the tears fall, he was there to catch her when she fell.
At some point, he must have guided her inside his room, and when he shut the door he sat them both on his bed. She allowed herself to cry into his chest, and he stayed silent as he held her. She knew he wouldn't tell her that it would all be alright because Bellamy Blake wasn't one to make empty promises. Neither of them knew if it would be okay, but they were trying.
Clarke didn't know how long they were there for, but when she finally calmed down, he made no move to pull away from her. They were both still silent when he pulled back his covers and motioned for her to join him. Clarke knew that, in the morning, she would have to explain herself to her mother. She knew that she would have to go back to being the fearless leader that everybody knew, but tonight she would be Clarke. She would be an 18-year-old girl who was forced to kill the boy she loved and who had to grow up too fast. She could use tonight to heal after everything that had happened. Tomorrow would be a new day, and she would once again take charge, but she knew now that she didn't have to do it alone.
Clarke curled up against Bellamy and allowed him to take half of her burden. When she finally drifted asleep the only thing she was thinking was, together, together, together.