AN: Thank you to Finlaure13 for a countless number of things: inspiration, tips on getting the title and what not. You so better check her stuff. They're a work of a genius. So. Here. Yeah. Even if CA's been cancelled, I still own none of these characters. Even if I wanna own Auggie. Enjoy!
OK. Let me take this brief moment to squeal in delight. I have FINALLY, after much thought, come to write my first FF about Covert Affairs. Let's just say I've had an unhealthy obsession with it for a while, and since USA won't give me anymore, I've had to resort to my own imagination to not go nuts without Walkerson. Because Walkerson is it.
Thank you to Finlaure13 for a countless number of things: inspiration, tips on getting the title and what not. You so better check her stuff. They're a work of a genius.
So. Here. Yeah. Even if CA's been cancelled, I still own none of these characters. Even if I wanna own Auggie. Enjoy!
Numb was much easier. Numb meant there wasn't any pain. Numb meant she wouldn't ever hurt. Especially not this way.
Annie Walker was a woman whose pain tolerance sky rocketed to different heights. It was this that made her a huge asset to the Agency. It was also her weakness. It meant that she allowed herself to feel pain to get things done and more often than not, involving her emotions in her operations. This also made her an enormous liability to the agency. Still, she played with it as a strength- up until now, when she would do absolutely anything to stop the hurting and simply feel nothing.
She wondered what it felt like, to feel cold and numb. Would it drive her crazy? Had it been this numbness that made many of the people she faced so capable of inflicting pain? She wished she understood, but she didn't. Because today, all she felt was gut-wrenching pain.
It's all she had been feeling for a while now. Ever since the afternoon that Auggie came by. Even more so since he called to say goodbye to fly to someplace around the globe she didn't know. She suddenly felt unchained from the rock that grounded her to reality- felt like she didn't really know where and who she was. It felt wrong, but most of all, it felt painful. Like suddenly, a part of her, something so organic, had been pulled out from her, and she couldn't stop the bleeding.
Not even with the man beside her right now. She knew what he was. A distraction. A decoy for the pain. She wanted so bad not to believe herself, but she knew herself better than that.
"You're miles and miles away, Annie."
"Thinking how it's going to be like at the Agency tomorrow, I guess." It wasn't a lie per se. She wondered what tomorrow would be like. It would be like her first day again, and while she was familiar with the Agency's ropes, she had lost her tether to reality. This time, there would be no Auggie to guide her. No Auggie in her ear. It wasn't even like being reassigned to Lena, because she knew then she could come back and have a nice draft beer at Allen's with him if she had a shitty day. This time, he really wouldn't be there. Heck, she didn't even know where she could find him.
Annie could only pray that things were boding well for Auggie. It would be more bearable to think of it that way- at least one of them could live with the happiness they deserved. Auggie deserved it more than she did, or so she believed.
"You'll kick butt," It wasn't the voice she wanted to hear. Ryan McQuaid was a wonderful and romantic guy. He was one for adventure- maybe the reason why he had fallen so madly in love with Annie. Annie thought she felt the same way until he'd asked for her hand- but instead, all she thought about was losing Auggie and she couldn't stand it. It had caused her to delay her answer to his proposal- a topic she evaded every time he would bring it up. He was patient and persistent however. He waited.
She wanted to give him the answer he wanted. He'd given her everything she needed from day one, and Annie, in her selfishness, couldn't give him what he wanted. For once, she was capable to do so. Yet she couldn't, because from that last conversation with Auggie, she knew that it wasn't the right decision to make.
She hadn't lied to Auggie that afternoon. She did get it- but making a move on it seemed the most difficult thing she ever had to do. So for the first time in her life, Annie ran away from it. She couldn't tear apart the happiness of the man she loved. She couldn't change the course of his life just because her gut told her so.
"I always do," Annie replied with a smile. She gave him a half-hearted peck on the lips before dragging herself into the shower. She felt all kinds of heavy, yet she wanted so much to be back at the Agency. She hoped that it would clear her head and give her more things to think of, but instead, her thoughts drifted still to the man who had toured her around on her first day. She grabbed herself some bagels for breakfast and headed for the door.
"Hey," McQuaid grabbed her waist from behind- a playful gesture that she would've appreciated if she wasn't so lost in her thoughts. She laughed still though, because she could still pretend. "Dinner tonight?"
"Drop me a line, I'll be there," she smiled. "I'm gonna be late for work, darling."
She sped through Washington with tears running down her eyes.