AN: This is an early birthday present for The Green Eyed Cat, or anyone else having a birthday really. Enjoy!
Chapter warning for the breaking of the fourth wall, if that even needs a warning.
Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to BBC's Sherlock in any way, shape or form. And it's a crying shame too, those boys would be a lot happier if I was the one directing their lives... well, they would at least be getting laid a lot more.
"I'll withhold sex if you don't."
"Great!" John then smiled widely at his lover before heading off to annoy the next person on his list.
"I don't see the point."
"That doesn't matter so long as you do it."
"But why?" John rolled his eyes at this, sometimes- meaning always- Sherlock could be really thick.
"Because it's a nice thing to do and the author really wants us to."
"Dull." John huffed as Sherlock turned back to his experiment and then grinned wickedly as an idea struck him.
"If you do this I'll let you read Jim's diary." Sherlock perked up a bit at this but remained decidedly focused on the microscope in front of him.
"His real one, not the fake he left out for you to find last time." John couldn't hold back a smirk at the gleam in Sherlock's eyes as he finally looked away from what he was doing.
"Fine, I'm in. But I want the diary upfront before we do anything." John just smiled and headed for his next stop.
"Hey, Greg, you in?"
"I know why you are here, and you can already guess my answer, so let us not waste either of our times shall we." Mycroft stated in dismissal before John had even fully cleared the threshold of the man's office, not even bothering to look up from his paper work.
"You can not irritate or extort compliance from me as you did with your... lover," the politician made the word lover sound like the highest of insults with just a simple twist of his lips. "Nor can you bribe me as you did my brother. So please, do not bother trying as it will only embarrass us both."
"Lestrade is going to be there." Mycroft visibly stiffened but never looked away from the papers on his desk.
"Guess I'll see you there then?" John smirked as he finally received a look, a glare, from the be-suited man he'd come to see.
"This is ridiculous! Why did I agree to this again?" Jim complained as he glared at their festive surroundings. He hated parties- at least, he did when they weren't for him.
"So you could continue to have... relations with my flatmate, is why." Sherlock stated absently as he turned a page of the book John had slipped him as he'd arrived.
"Is that my diary?! John!"
"Oh, calm down. We both know you'd never write down anything important or incriminating where I could find it, so there is nothing to worry about."
"Yeah, but I wrote all the details of our sex life down in that book." Jim pouted.
"Sherlock, put the book down!"
"Dull. Not even any bondage or kink mentioned. How can you two stand to be so boring? I expected better from you, at least, Jim." Sherlock stated as he tossed the book over his shoulder with a glare at the couple.
John and Jim could only stare, wondering why the detective would want to read about them in such a way and stunned that Sherlock even knew what kink was. Thankfully a distraction came a moment later.
"I do believe I have asked you to address me as Mycroft, Detective Inspector."
"And I have asked you to call me Greg."
"Oh, just kiss already!"
"What?! You can't tell me that they weren't getting on your nerves too! Besides, everyone knows they both want it."
"Jim, that's rude."
"I concur, politeness is highly over rated."
"Thank you, Sherly."
"Though do refrain from encouraging my brother into performing carnal acts, that is not an image I ever want in my mind- even if only temporarily."
"Oi! Can we just get on with it?" Greg asked, blush still coloring his cheeks.
"Yes, yes. Everyone line up. Okay then? Good! Now grab an edge of the banner and... lift! Happy Birth- What the hell?!"
"Sherlock, what did you do to it?"
"I needed it for an experiment."
"I think it looks perfect, what with those big acid-burned holes and all."
"Shut up, Jim. And Sherlock, didn't we already have the talk about not destroying items BEFORE they could be for their original purpose."
"No... I might have deleted it."
"You won't be deleting this though!" Jim crowed and the other two looked over to see Mycroft and Greg snogging in the corner behind the cake table.
"I'll need a full mental wipe after seeing that."
"Ah, come on, they're cute together! Not as cute as Johnny and I of course, but then no-one is..."
"You are not 'cute'."
"Ahh, is little Sherly jealous that he's the only one all alone now?"
"Hey look! Mycy's using his tongue!"
John just rubbed his eyes and tried to block out the sounds of the fully grown children around him before looking up and out.
"I'm sorry everyone. This was supposed to be a happy celebration, but..." John took a quick look around, noting the ruined banner on the floor, the fact that Mycroft and Greg both now had cake frosting in their hair and on their faces and that Sherlock seemed to be contemplating jabbing his eyes out with a plastic spoon- much to Jim's amusement as he was goading the detective on.
"Oh, well, I guess it turned out better than it could have." John mused quietly.
"Sherlock, put down the cutlery or I shall be forced to tell Mumsy."
"Then stop acting so... affectionate!"
"Oh, sod this. I need tea and a shower."
"I'll join you, Johnny-boy, and maybe we can add some more to my diary too." Jim said with a suggestive wiggle of his eyebrows that made John smile.
"Fine, but at least wish them all a happy birthday first; they have read all the way down after all."
"Fine. The things I do for you..." Jim smiles at his frustrated lover before turning to look out at everyone.
"Ah! My eye! John!"
"I'm calling Mumsy."
"I should have run when I had the chance." John muttered as he went to check on his attention seeking flatmate.