Be kind. Writing sarcasm is hard.
"Your son is fat," declared the doctor with no other preamble. "Maybe he ate a cake that was not meant for him and God made him pay for that."
Vernon and Petunia stared at the doctor with indignation. Dudley stiffed an anguished cry.
"He's a growing boy!" exclaimed Petunia, raising her voice while still maintaining an offensive tone. "He should eat well so he doesn't end up dying of rickets!"
"Doctor House apologizes," said a short girl with a bowl cut hair. "He means your son might have a glandular atrophy that makes him gain more weight than he should, causing his weight to constrict the walls of the arteries of his back."
Petunia looked at the short doctor, her mouth a thin line that signaled her disgust with her. What was she? Philippine?
"We came to see Doctor House, not his team,"
"Wow, wow!" exclaimed said doctor. "They are important. How would my strippers show up on time if my team didn't show them the way to my office?"
"We were wrong, Mr. and Mrs. Dursley," said a pretty doctor with more respectable clothing style and pose. Petunia only feared she cared more for her pretty hair than for her poor son that would have to bear with a surely dumb doctor.
"It appears as if your son had a small tumor on the L-five vertebrae. We thought that was causing the hormonal imbalance, but we were wrong."
Petunia saw his husband nod, no doubt attracted to the female doctor and not caring for their poor son. But she was not a heartless woman, she cared for their little Duddykins.
"And why are you not doing something to make him better?" she asked.
"They are," said Doctor House, entering Dudley's room with a Golden fish in a plastic bag on his left hand. "She's here to make sure you sign the order for your son's surgery."
"Surgery? Dudley? This will cost a fortune!" exclaimed Vernon, red in the face and worried about the wrong thing.
What if their Duddy died while being under that awful anesthesia thing? What if these inept people cut something that was not supposed to be cut?
"Do what you need to do," said Dudley with gruff voice. He looked pale, her poor son, but he was fighting. He was so brave.
"Hey, hear that! The whale talks!"
"We removed the tumor, but as we said earlier, it was not causing the imbalance," said a handsome, blond doctor with an Aussie accent, of all things! "Still, we managed to find ruptures on the tissue of the tumor. We ran some tests and discovered a genome failure. Something we can't be quite sure of."
The handsome doctor waited, looking both at Vernon and Petunia. She knew the doctors had to know something. There was that look on his eyes, and the way he looked at their hands. Yes. This doctor was one of thosepeople.
"What my dumbass, porn actor wannabe means," said Doctor House, as annoying as ever. "Are any of you related to aliens? No? Too bad, that should have solved the big bundle of grease's troubles."
Petunia got mad. Were they trying to ask if they were... If her lovely boy was a freak?
The blond doctor seemed to know she was upset and tried to have Doctor House leave the room.
"Don't mind me, I just want to know if the Old Continent has aliens impersonating them," he said looking at Dudley with accusing eyes for a few seconds Maybe he knew of her sister. "Yes, ma'am! We know what you are!"
Petunia heard Vernon and Dudley inhale sharply. She was preparing her refusal, her threat to have the Dean informed of his mistreat of them, before the man got serious.
"We need to know," he said. "We can do a thing about it, but it might hurt him if his blood is not different."
Doctor House waited.
Petunia wanted to stick to her plan and call the Dean.
"My Aunt had magic," said Dudley. "My blood is a bit different."
Doctor House nodded.
"Start the treatment," he told the other doctor, who quickly produced a funny bottle from his robe pocket.
Petunia stared distruthfully at the liquid. It reeked of rosemary and shone green and yellow.
"Will that medicine... Will that make him better?" Vernon asked, voicing her thoughts.
The blond doctor nodded.
"It would have saved you a lot of time to just tell us, you know? There's nothing to be ashamed of."
"Oh, please, Doctor Chase," mocked Doctor House as he exited the room. "You wand-waving fools are embarrassing. Just look at your hair!"
As I've been told I'm a jerkhead for pointing out quite notoriously that Park is Philippine, I have the need to clarify that the racism portrayed in this story is from Petunia's point of view and in the books she manifested an extreme dislike of everything different from her, even her sister when she turned out to be a witch. I apologize if I offended someone, as that was not my intention.