"Cas, I'm sorry."
The words left his mouth before he could even think about it and in the very same second he wanted to kick his own ass.
I'm sorry just wasn't enough. Not at all.
About everything you needed to go trough.
About every time I failed you.
About me not being able to tell you that...
He couldn't even say it in his mind.
He almost did it once.
I need you.
Needing someone who wasn't Sam or his father or even Bobby was something he hasn't allowed himself for a very long time.
Needing someone the way he needed Cas was a weakness, Cas himself was a weakness with his loyalty and his lack of understanding when it came to pop culture references, with those stupid blue eyes and that fucking trench coat, indestructibly like its owner...
He had never said those other three words, not even to Sam.
To no one but his mother and he would keep it that way.
I need you was the closest he would ever come to that and he didn't knew if he was glad or disappointed that Cas would never know.
"Kicking you out of the bunker. That's..you know – not telling you about Sam."
Because that was it, right? That was what he hadn't told Cas about and what he should feel sorry for.
And the understanding in Cas' eyes only made it worse.
"You thought that his life was at stake."
"Yeah well, I got played."
And damn was it hard to admit that.
"I thought I was saving heaven. I got played, too."
He almost laughed because damn this angel and his ability to get under his skin, to just get him.
"So what, you're saying we're a couple of dumbasses?"
Cas smiled and Dean wanted to kiss him so badly it was almost physically painful.
"I prefer the word –trusting. You know…less dumb, less ass."
They looked each other in the eyes and somehow Dean knew.
It would be now or never and a part of him wanted to be selfish, just once. This part wanted to pull Cas into his arms and kiss him until his lips were swollen, make him truly his and he knew that Cas was waiting for him to do so, has been for years.
But he couldn't. Cas was already damned since the day he first laid a hand on him in hell – no need to ruin his life even more.
And when Crowley called them Dean knew, that he had lost his last chance.
But Cas would be safe from him, or at least as safe as one could be.
He had done the right thing, the selfless thing.
It was going to be alright.