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MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!

STING…

…VS…

…BIG BROTHER!

BEGIN!

Big Brother:

I'm the king of all! Don't bother trying to shut me off, you bloody clown;

Streamlined the English language, but my raps have seen no dumbing-down.

The Last Ship back to safety's sailed; the Last Exit is closed:

There's no escaping consequences if it's me you would oppose!

I've got the world around my finger, wrapped, and if you'd disapprove,

Like Kingdom of the Sun, I'll soon see you take on a different groove;

You've got some nerve, Sumner, to diss me! You say Love's the Seventh Wave?

Well, call the ripples I'll send through your body, mind and soul the eighth!

I'll throw your music's every memory down to the incinerator,

For I've heard songs more substantial made on my versificators;

Unlike telescreens, this fight'll be decidedly one-sided:

But one minute's all I'll need to lay hate 'til you're vaporized, kid!

The Police I lead will nail yours just for thinking they could triumph;

Give the lot of you the 101 on how we treat defiance!

Ask Dave Bowie: I dog hard as diamond, smashing your soft-rocking crap,

And harder still, I'll stomp your face, my boot squelching your talking-smack!

Sting:

You are the king: of being a pain, you sick abomination;

You're unfit to rule a dozen houseguests, let alone a nation!

Best believe my effort's paying off; this ain't your lottery,

And unlike Doublethink, my rhythms synchronize in harmony!

Though once I played the god of war, I'm here today to save the planet;

Drop the hammer on you with a force no Apple ad could manage!

We're no wrestlers, but still Sting's taking on the New World Order;

When the Truth Hits Everybody, you'll lose every last supporter!

Get this through your great big floating head; make sure it's understood:

In your own terms, to put it lightly, you're Graham'snumberplusungood!

Even Gregor Clegane's a less abusive big bro than you are,

So thus I burn you worse still than my namesake from a manticore!

This Demolition Man'll crash your Party; just accept your fate:

Even to you, your doom should be plain as what two plus tw- OH, WAIT!

Plus, "Every Breath You Take" was never meant to give the warm-and-fuzzies,

But your wack surveillance makes those lyrics look straight-lovey-dovey!

Big Brother:

I'll INGSOC-it-to-ya' big time 'til your ass is nonexistent;

Nip your Desert Rose's bud, and leave you Hurting worse than Winston!

I'm the one who's watching you for real; no crime goes undetected.

Try to send a bottled S.O.S., and watch us intercept it!

Sting:

Maybe upfront condemnation's not the way to handle this;

It's time to reason with this tyrant like a true philanthropist!

Like Roxanne needn't sell herself, you needn't run so cruel a system;

Just think of the lonely dances of the families of your victims.

Even if you must hold power, still this way it needn't be,

For if at all you love your people, at least set them somewhat free!

You ought to file for divorce from that dark fortress 'round your heart…

…Or, well, make literally any change, and that'll be a start.

Big Brother:

In ignorance there's strength, but you couldn't possibly be so naive;

I bet in Goldstein and his Brotherhood, you also still believe.

Well, hear my thesis, prole: against mankind, I've always been at war;

What I say goes, the end! Of that, I stop at nothing making sure.

No Brand New Day will ever dawn again; my nightmare reign's eternal:

Wiping each dissenting word from every page of every journal.

When it's you and this Big Guy, not even playing dumb can save;

O'Brien, cure this man's insanity, then send him to his grave!

O'Brien:

Hey, have a seat and take a lesson from our nation's top Love-Minister,

By which I mean: brace for a brutal torturing most sinister!

Know this ain't The Tonight Show, 'cause O'Brien's here to stay,

But you'll be headed straight for death; we'll skip the Chestnut Tree Café.

Like clay and to our every hellish whim, we mold and warp reality;

All truth outside of what we will is stamped out with finality.

I'll bring your greatest fear to life, and such will be your pain,

That you'll be happy when we finally put that bullet in your brain!

Sting:

You think you'll see my head hung, broken, but I'm not so Fragile, crooks,

And you'll be Falling soon like Mercury, though not from any book:

You see, I'm but the frontman of the crew who'll topple your regime;

My first comrade'll show you fiends what law and order really mean!

Big Brother:

The sap must be hallucinating, but this won't end like Brazil;

Go break his soul until there's nothing left, then go in for the kill!

O'Brien:

I take no pleasure in this, Gordon; soon you'll know that to be true:

Ludovico's squat next to what my next room's got in store for you!

Judge Dredd:

Over my carcass! Nineteen Eighty-Five's about to dawn on y'all,

Although instead of soup, the pins I'm taking aim for are your skulls!

The mega-magistrate's returned, albeit not in a big-screen sequel,

On a mission back through time to crush this foulest of all evils!

Saying that you betrayed the law would put it criminally-softly:

You surpass Sabbat in terms of turning people into zombies,

Just like Deadworld; bringing naught but fear and lies unto the masses!

Your opinion, Anderson?

Judge Anderson: Go 'head and murdelate their asses!

Dredd: You're soulless as Mechanismos, so severe is your abuse,

But even then, McGruder had insanity as an excuse!

Call this the Aggro Dome, you dummies, 'cause I'm holding nothing back;

Even the Bat and I agree that every move you make is wack!

Don't bother with surrender now, because you're going down regardless;

It'd take a full-blown novel just explaining all your charges.

Judgement Day is here for all you Low Life Inner Party pricks!

The sentence: death; my sole regret: that I'm obliged to make it quick!

(*Dredd executes O'Brien with extreme prejudice, his head exploding in a violent burst of flames from the Hot Shot round fired into his mouth*)

Sting:

A by-the-numbers murder, righteous as a homicide can get!

Judge Dredd: Indeed, but better not get started with the tears of joy just yet…

Big Brother:

You think my minion's death makes any difference; think I can't replace?

I'll straight-erase your faces, names and carbon footprints; leave no trace!

V:

Well, your wretched rump's in for a twist of Fate crueler than Susan's if you plan to so much as leave here alive,

For if you think your room holds the scariest contents, you've yet to see what came from Room Number Five:

Vocal Warrior poet in cloak and with dagger, this valor in every man spits it with eloquence;

Unlike my name and despite your denials, once I let the truth free, you'll find it quite relevant!

Verily Weaving vociferous verse, vanquishing every vestige of this vile villain;

Like all good ideas, consider me bulletproof! Can't vaporize this; let me do the killing.

Your actions to Winston created a monster: one I duly dealt with, and you're next in line,

For in terms of regimes being afraid of their people, just call me the bogeyman; it's vengeance time!

A symbol Moore vivacious than any mere man; gave my all to the end of the end of Norsefire,

And even in death, still I'd triumph to tunes of Tchaikovsky: went out with a bang, like Norse fire!

The image I vindicate's that of a vicious Guy, but I don't give a Fawkes if you'd complain,

For who's right and wrong here makes my film look ambiguous; anyone voting for you is insane!

As the Fifth of November is always remembered, your violent downfall shan't soon be forgot,

And I'll make Oceania the Land of Do-as-You-Please, or at the very least, Think-What-You-Want!

Though I do not forgive, know you will be forgotten: abolishing you like you would the orgasm;

It's midnight for each of your ministries, and in contrast to their titles, that's hardly sarcasm!

Big Brother: What in the name of me are you talking abo-

(*The 1812 Overture starts, leading to a series of large explosions throughout Oceania and all of its government headquarters, including the building where all characters presently are. When the dust settles, Sting, Dredd and V are miraculously all still standing, with wreckage surrounding the area on all sides and Big Brother nowhere in sight…*)

V:

Ah, by Jove, of that schtick I shall never get tired!

Dredd: Are you sure those were all Party halls burst in fire?

V: Of course not; I set half those bombs up just for fun!

Dredd: What the drokk; are you mad?!

Sting:

Look, what counts is we've won.

This dystopia's done for; Big Brother's been killed,

And society's free to reform and rebuild.

Plus, I'll hardly mind snubbing our third, final aid;

Only next to this Hell can his world be called "Brave".

(*The ground begins quaking severely. Into view from the foggy horizon emerges a massive robotic monstrosity, shoving away the wreckage in its path as it approaches our heroes*)

Big Brother?!:

Nooooo! Look what you've done, you rank two-legged sods;

You've destroyed my whole ultimate dream of being God!

All I wanted was utter, complete domination,

And every last personal freedom's cessation!

Well, my greatest weapon is still here, intact;

By its cold, metal hands, you shall feel my full wrath,

And since there's no point left now maintaining disguise,

I shall watch your last moments through unfiltered eyes!

(*The central hatch of Big Brother's mech cracks open, revealing…*)

Sting: Oh, you have got to be kidding me.

Napoleon:

Oink, oink, sooie, yippie yo, ki yay, you motherfuckers;

Meet the mighty Beast of England, equaler than any other!

Bet you didn't know Orwell's opus was a sequel all along;

Ol' Boxer'd tell it to ya' if he wasn't glue: I'm never wrong!

You've not a Snowball's Chance against this big-time badass, bold berkshire;

I've got one simple commandment for you: perish in a fire!

Crossing me's no fairy story, for it's bound to end up tragic:

What I'll do to make you squeal will make Deliverance look romantic!

I'm free will's final solution, at the peak of evolution,

And I'll bring your spines full-circle like Old Major's revolution!

Merciless as ten attack dogs, now I take my retribution:

Stalin' time is through; now buy the farm, 'cause it's your execution!

(*Suddenly and just before Napoleon can finish off his foes, a mysterious gas fills the air, making the pig woozily calm, his fury abruptly dissipating as though he had instantly forgotten what he was doing. His robotic suit collapses into a slump, dropping Sting, Dredd and V, who are evidently just as much affected by the drug.*)

Tsk, tsk, tsk, so much cruelty and barbarity here! If you REALLY wanted to control your people, you should have just followed MY example…

Mustapha Mond:

Think yourself worthy of World-Control? Good Ford, give me a break, dude!

You're so savage, nary any reservation'd ever take you;

Such a hypocrite, I'll bet you think your own kind's meat is kosher,

And like your windmill, Mond's mondo rhymes shall topple you twice over!

Come along and let me be your tour guide as we re-Revisit

Mr. Huxley's grand utopia, that has such people in it!

I'm the World State Alpha-male; you're like a double-minus-Zeta:

Unfit even for exiled island life with lesser haters!

Babies don't need to be shocked to know to cry when they see you;

I'll beat you mic-wise, and at Centrifugal Bumble-Puppy, too.

No Soma dose can grant you solace from my disses; this I promise:

Once they hatch, my lyrics multiply like Bokanovsky's Process!

Mother-father's far too kind a term to label you, you creep:

You keep your people in the dark? I educate them while they sleep!

I Am Not Spock, but still I find your shit intolerably illogical:

Your hogwash lies are bigger bunk than happiness being optional!

The likes of Shakespeare sacrificed, I grant it isn't perfect,

Yet our fun, games and stability, I'd argue still, are worth it!

Everyone belongs to all, but here, the win's mine for the taking;

As for you, pig, take your rightful place: i.e., it's time for bacon!

(*Cut to actual footage of a pig being brutally slaughtered, a familiar face filling and obscuring the screen as the bloody impact occurs…*)

Ganon: DIE!

WHO WON?

WHO'S NEXT?

I DECIDE!

MOLEMAN'S EPIC RAP BATTLES!