11In which Naruto tells dad jokes, saves Konoha, and still lives to tell the tale.
(Because sooner or later someone was going to kill him because of his puns. It wasn't his fault they had no appreciation for his brilliance!)
It starts out because someone in his academy textbooks had a terrible sense of humor.
The books were given out at the start of his first day at the Academy. Naruto, the ever bored six year old, took one look at his book and wrinkled his nose. Stains were on the front, the pages were wrinkled, and not only were the lessons themselves boring enough to put someone to sleep, but the margins were scribbled in and mustaches were drawn on top of all the portraits. It was a ratty old textbook that should have been thrown out years ago, but the Academy budget was tight and they had to deal with what they got.
It was ultimately the opposite of what Naruto was expecting at the start of his ninja career. Wasn't everything supposed to be new and shiny? Completely badass? Not a book that looked so worn-down that even Naruto couldn't scrounge up some hope for it.
Naruto flipped through the pages of his history book as the teacher stood in front of the room and recited the rules of being a ninja. Naruto didn't bother to listen, he already knew them all.
(1. Kick ass.
2. Save pretty ladies.
3. Get paid? Oooh, that'd be awesome. Imagine how much ramen he could afford!
4. Become a badass like no one ever was.
5. Win the respect of the village.
6. Become Hokage.
Oh, wait. That was his bucket list. Whoops.)
The teacher at the front of the classroom continued to drone on and on. Naruto was just about to add a very detailed monocle to an already defaced famous person's face on the forty-fifth page, when he noticed somebody had written in shaky handwriting;
what do you call a midget fortune teller on the run from the law? a small medium at large.
Naruto snorted out loud.
"Excuse me? Uzumaki?"
The teacher's voice reminded Naruto of someone that had just stepped on a slug, distaste radiated through his tone. The teacher (was Naruto supposed to know his name? Oh well, he'd learn it soon enough) continued, "Please do not disturb the lesson, thank you."
Naruto was going to point out that one kid was asleep, two girls were having a rather intense thumb-wrestling competition three rows ahead of him, and another boy was blatantly ignoring everything going on in favor of his chips, but instead he held his tongue. "Sure, sensei."
The teacher turned back to his lesson, satisfied.
Naruto flipped back through his book, looking for more of the jokes in the sloppy writing.
a pirate walks into a bar with a ship's wheel on his belt buckle.
bartender: what's that on your belt?
pirate: arrr, It's drivin' me nuts!
Naruto was officially in love.
Perverted, intelligent, hilarious— it was like a sign.
"It's so beautiful." He whispered to himself, ignoring the odd look sent his way from the supposedly sleeping kid. "It's just. Perfect."
"Hey, hey, hey— Shikamaru! Wake up!"
It was the third day of school, and the teacher had turned his back to show the class pictures of the different shinobi villages. Naruto used this to his advantage to do what he did best— bug people.
"Hey! Shika—"
"What, Naruto?" Shikamaru popped his head up from his arms just slightly enough to glance at the blond.
Naruto beamed. "I knew you weren't sleeping! You want to hear a joke?"
"Not particularly, but I figure you'll just tell me it anyways, so shoot."
Naruto was practically bouncing up and down in his chair at this point. "Okay, okay." He cleared his throat. "Did you hear about the kidnapping at school? It's okay, he woke up."
Shikamaru just raised his eyebrow in response. "Troublesome. That wasn't very good." He murmured, as he set his head back down, but Naruto was positive he saw a small smile creep its way up onto the Nara's face.
"Hehehe!" Naruto clapped his hands together. "I knew you were going to like it!"
"Kiba! What did the dog say after a long day at work?"
"Don't you dare finish that, Naruto." Ino turned in her seat to stare at the boy. "Don't you dare."
"'Today was ruff!'"
Akamaru barked, and Kiba easily translated, "Akamaru says he finds that very offensive and stereotypical. And we'll see you in court, uh—"
Akamaru barked once more.
Kiba nodded, "—asshole." He tacked on.
Naruto threw his hands up in the air. "For Nidaime's sake! Why does no one appreciate my jokes?"
"Because they're not funny?" Ino shot back, picking at her nails.
He pouted. "That's mean Ino."
"It's true."
"...Naruto?" The Hokage looked up from his paperwork, staring at the boy with a bemused smile on his face.
"Yeah?" Naruto stuck out his tongue as he held out the tape measure in front of him, the tip of it just barely brushing against Sarutobi's hat.
"What are you doing?"
Naruto hummed. "Measuring your patience."
The Hokage stopped for a second, before he started chuckling. "That's a good one." He told the boy, who's grin had grown impossibly wide.
"Finally!" Naruto gave the Sandaime a fist bump. "Someone who appreciates my jokes!"
"Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden engine and the wooden wheels? It wooden go."
Iruka barked out a laugh, as did Teuchi and Ayame. "That one's hilarious, Naruto." His Academy instructor wheezed. "I'd keep that one."
Ayame nodded her agreement as she set out another bowl of miso ramen for the boy. "I would too. What was that joke that you said last time? Something about a week?"
"Oh!" Naruto cleared his throat and set down his chopsticks. "Seven days without a pun makes one weak."
Iruka slapped a hand to his forehead. "I should not find that as funny as I do." Iruka grinned, making Naruto smiled brighter.
"Don't worry, Iruka-sensei! I've got plenty more where that came from!"
"My name is Sasuke Uchiha. I hate a lot of things, and I don't particularly like anything. What I have is not a dream, because I will make it a reality. I'm going to restore my clan, and kill a certain someone."
"...Lovely. Last kid, now." Kakashi crossed his arms and leaned back.
Naruto clapped his hands together behind his head. "My name is Naruto Uzumaki! I like cup ramen and jokes! I also love the ramen that Iruka-sensei buys for me! I hate the three minute wait for ramen, when people diss my jokes, and people who ignore me. My goal is to become the next Hokage!"
Kakashi raised an eyebrow, not that anyone could tell, and let out a small sigh.
"Hey, hey, Kakashi-sensei!"
"What?"
Sakura and Sasuke were already rubbing their temples in the background, and Naruto practically had sparkles shining all around him.
"What's the definition of a good farmer?" Naruto paused for a second. "A man outstanding in his field!"
"..."
Well, this was something Kakashi wasn't expecting.
Anger, enthusiasm, fangirls— yes. Puns? No. Kushina and Minato had a more sarcastic, dry sense of humor. He wasn't prepared for this.
"Oh! I've got another one! So two Kumo nin walk into a bar-"
"Sakura-chan!"
"Naruto!" The pink girl blew up. "Can't you see I'm trying to train?"
Naruto rubbed his head sheepishly where Sakura had hit him. "Sorry. Can I tell you a joke?"
"...Sure, fine." Sakura switched her scroll from one hand to the other and stared at her teammate. "Go ahead."
"I'm single as a ryo, but I'm looking for some change." Naruto grinned with all his teeth.
Sakura smacked him on the head again. "Idiot! That was a pickup-line!"
"Owww..."
"Why you lookin' so down, kid?" Izumo couldn't help but ask the blond, who was sulking at the front of the Hokage tower.
"I was shunned by my teammates for my puns." Naruto complained.
"There's just something I can smell, like a sixth sense." Naruto stuck his nose up in the air, and sniffled loudly.
Their client, a drunken old man from Wave, grimaced and scouted farther away.
"...No, that's one of the five, dobe." Sasuke remarked dryly.
"Last name: Ever. First name: Greatest. I am so cool." Naruto pumped his fist as he scaled the tree a couple more steps then he had his previous try, but he still skid back to the ground.
"I didn't realize your middle name was 'Failure', dobe." Sasuke panted.
Naruto was silent for a few seconds, staring at Sasuke, which made the other boy stop.
"What?" Sasuke bit out.
"I'm not sure whether or not to feel insulted, or proud."
"Shut up, dobe."
"Haku's really cool, like ice cold." Naruto grinned.
"Now is really not the time, Naruto—"
"You know, I'm thinking about getting a new haircut." Naruto announced unexpectedly, on their way home from wave.
Sakura looked at him blankly. "Naruto, unless you're going to go bald, you've got no hair to do anything with."
Naruto sighed. "I guess I'll mullet over, then."
Sasuke's lips twitched upwards at Sakura's quiet yell of frustration. "You walked into that one."
The chunin exams were right around the corner, and Naruto was positive he was going to ace them.
He was Naruto Uzumaki, after all.
"Oh Sannin," Sakura breathed. "I'm so tired."
It was almost automatic at this point. "Hi tired, I'm Naruto."
"...Sasuke, please smack him for me."
Sasuke gladly did so.
"I'll take your question, and I'll still become Hokage! I'm not going back on my word!" Naruto slammed his hands on the desk in front of him, disturbing the rest of the terrified genin. "And that's my ninja way!"
Ibiki frowned. "Fine then. You—"
Naruto's fists clenched together, but he stared resolutely on at the scarred face of the first phase's proctor.
"Pass!"
Naruto's shoulders sagged, and he couldn't help his mouth popping open. "What?"
"You passed—"
The window burst open, and a banner was spread above the window. A lady jumped through it, and grinned at the bemused children. "Anko Mitarashi here! I'm your next proctor for the second phase!"
She frowned for a second, after taking a head count. "What? Ibiki, you let through—"
The some of the genin had gotten to their feet with Naruto, and the sudden entrance of Anko had taken all the eyes off of him. Naruto was a little grateful with the reprieve. The boy glanced down at Hinata, who looked a bit puzzled, and flashed her a grin, which immediately brought a flush to her cheeks. "Don't worry! I'm sure everything will be fine."
"T-Thanks, N-Naruto-kun."
The room had started to empty out, and Naruto waved goodbye to Hinata before he strode over to his teammates, who were equally as happy as he was.
"We passed! Now to the second portion!" Naruto clapped his hands together.
The three of them climbed down the packed staircases, watching the rest of the hopefuls chatter anxiously with each other.
"I have never once bragged." Ino told Shikamaru, who rolled his eyes.
"You once called your face 'proof of Kami's existence'." Chouji pointed out.
"You, Pig?" Sakura snorted. "As if."
Ino and Sakura started spewing insults at each other, leaving Naruto and Sasuke to their own devices.
"Wow, starting to look like a cat fight down there."
"Yeah." Sasuke paused. "Wait, you haven't said a pun this whole time."
"I'm saving up for a good one, don't worry." Naruto quickly assured him.
"I'm getting pretty suspicious."
"Well…" Naruto paused. "You know the guy who was our proctor? Ibiki?"
Sasuke hummed his agreement.
"He's the one who survived mustard gas and pepper spray."
Sasuke waited for the punchline.
"He's a seasoned veteran."
"I hate you."
"I am absolute." Orochimaru hissed, flicking his tongue out to touch Sasuke's cheek, who flinched in disgust unconsciously.
"Are you 'absolute' sure?" Naruto couldn't help but reply.
Orochimaru looked exasperated, but quickly changed his face back to his default creepy smile. "Die."
"Shitttttttt."
"Are you ready for the prelims?" Sakura bounced her knee up and down as she waited for the proctor to pass out the numbers.
"Oh, yeah. Kakashi gave us such a good speech, even the cake was in tiers. I'm so ready."
"That didn't even make any sense." Sasuke protested.
"I'm getting a bit nervous right now, sue me." Naruto grabbed his number. "Let's just go kick some ass."
"Wait, you're Jiraiya? The Toad Sage?" Naruto asked, eyes wide. No way was this old pervert someone as revered as a Sannin (Who Sakura had drilled into his head when he had ask some time ago, "Hey, who are the Sannin?", a terrible idea if he did say so himself; because man when Sakura went into lecture mode it alternated between terrifying and boring as hell, which was never a good sign.).
"Hahaha, you bet I am, kid." Jiraiya puffed out his chest.
"Awesome!" Naruto pumped his fist. "I can try these out on you!"
"Eh?" Jiraiya scratched his head.
"What's the difference between a regular toad and a horny toad?" Naruto didn't wait for Jiraiya to answer. "A regular toad croaks, 'Ribbit Ribbit' while a horny toad croaks, 'Rub-it Rub-it'."
"...Hahahaha!" Jiraiya croaked, slapping Naruto's back in his fit of amusement, effectively sending the boy to the ground. "Oh Nidaime, that's amazing."
Jiraiya's eyes were filled with warmth. "Hey, tell me some more, kid."
Naruto beamed. "How can sea captains use amphibians? As froghorns."
"Hehehe, no way the toads won't love you- half of them have used that one before! Let me introduce you to some—"
"What? This old hag is going to be Hokage?" Naruto shouted, pointing at the disgruntled blonde. "Like hell!"
"She's the most qualified, gaki, Hime was even on my team—"
"What? So she's our ace in the hole?"
Naruto's mouth flickered up in a grin. Jiraiya just gave him a deeply unimpressed look, having been the sole person to deal with Naruto's jokes for the last couple weeks. "Not that good, gaki, keep trying."
Tsunade snorted.
"Why did the pig stop sunbathing? He was bacon in the heat."
Shizune sighed. "Naruto, that's the third time you've said that one. Are you feeling alright?"
TonTon snorted it's agreement.
Naruto sighed. "I'm going through withdrawal, Shizune-nee-chan." Naruto looked imploringly at her. "You know, I sent ten different puns to friends once, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did."
Shizune groaned, but her smile was back. "That's awful, Naruto. Terrible."
"I don't care, I'm leaving." Sasuke's voice was harsh.
Sakura's eyes were watering slightly, and as Sasuke pushed her away, she called out, "But why?"
"I need to get stronger. I need to kill Itachi. I need to hit the road."
A pained look suddenly came over his face, and then he smacked his foot soundly on the ground.
"..." Sakura looked at him with wide eyes, until he knocked her soundly out.
"Look at what that idiot and his puns have done to me, for Sandaime's sake." Sasuke muttered as he jumped through the trees at a high speed. "No one will ever take me seriously. My teammates have rubbed off on me— with their ridiculousness and stupidity, and puns. I can't defeat Itachi like this, with these morons—"
His voice carried through the wind, "A fucking leaving pun I can't believe I just did that…"
"Sasuke, come back!"
"No, Naruto, I won't. You're weak, pathetic—" Sasuke bit out, their surroundings showing signs of fight all around them.
Naruto was panting slightly, but was still uneffected. "F-Fine! Well you know what? What's the difference between three dicks and a joke?"
"I don't have time for this—"
"You can't take a joke!"
Sasuke glared at him. "Chidori!"
Tsunade sighed down at the sad, pretty beat-up blond in front of her. "I see that mission was a failure."
"Yep."
"You told him a pun." It wasn't a question, or a statement, but a pure fact. This was Naruto they were talking about.
"Maybe."
"Was it insulting."
"Just a bit."
Tsunade groaned and nursed her bottle of sake from behind the Hokage's desk. "Okay, fine, don't look so sad. I'll tell you a joke, just to make you feel better."
Naruto looked up at the Hokage. "Really?"
"Yeah, yeah, just don't get used to it." Tsunade furrowed her eyebrows. "Now how did this start? Ah. A woman goes to the veterinarian with her pig that appears to be sleeping. The woman waits as the vet inspects the pig. Then the vet comes out and tells the woman, 'I'm sorry... But your pig is dead.'
The woman, shocked, yells at the vet, 'Are you serious?! Did you run tests? He could just be in a coma or something.'
The vet sighs and heads back to her office with the woman. The vet leaves the room and returns with a dog. The dog approaches the pig and slowly sniffs him from head to toe. He looks up at the woman with sad eyes and walks out.
The vet leaves and returns with a cat. The cat approaches the pig and stares at him for a solid 5 minutes. It then meows loudly and slowly exits the room.
The vet tells the woman, 'See, your pig has definitely passed on.' The vet walks to the register and hands the woman a bill for 300 ryo.
The woman is again outraged, '300 ryo just so you could tell me my little piggy died?'
The vet replies, 'It was only 40 ryo until you made me get a Lab Report and a Cat Scan.'"
Naruto opened his mouth wide, but no sound came out. "Baa-chan, we need to work on your jokes."
"As if you're one to talk, kid!" Tsunade huffed. "And besides, I heard that one from a Kiri nin!"
"What kind of shoes do frogs wear? Open toad sandals!"
"No."
"What do you call a toad spy? A croak and dagger agent!"
"Not answering."
"Fine. You leave me no choice." Naruto continued, "A man and his pet toad walk into a bar. It's about five pm, but they're ready for a good night of drinking. They start off slowly, watching TV, drinking beer, eating peanuts.
As the night goes on they move to mixed drinks, and then shooters, one after the other.
Finally, the bartender says: "Last call."
So, the man says, "One more for me... and one more for my toad."
The bartender sets them up and they shoot them back. Suddenly, the toad falls over dead. The man throws some money on the bar, puts on his coat and starts to leave.
The bartender, yells: "Hey buddy, you can't just leave that lyin' there."
To which the man replies: "That's not a lion, that's a toad.""
Jiraiya looked up from his notes to glance up at the sky. "Why me?" He groaned. "Two years of this. Even Minato wasn't bad, and that kid was a thick as a post when it came to dirty jokes. I'd take the virgin over the puns at this point. I am that done."
"Ero-sennin!" Naruto pouted, "That's mean!"
"Never again," Jiraiya told Tsunade over a bottle of sake, after two years had gone by. "Never. Again."
Tsunade smiled at him. "What, you don't appreciate any puns? You don't—"
"Don't you even dare Hime. I've heard them all. Them all."
"How do you catch a unique rabbit?" Naruto asked suddenly, on their way to Suna.
Sakura shot him the stink eye.
"U'nique up on him!"
Kakashi sighed from behind his mask.
Oh yes, the one thing he didn't miss when Team 7 was disbanded, was the puns. He could deal with everything else, except the jokes.
(It was so not fair that everyone else got a normal team— Asuma, Kurenai. Why was it always him? I mean, it wasn't like he didn't love his team, but you could only listen to so many toad jokes because you started to debate whether homicide was a particularly bad idea.)
"Kankuro!" Temari screeched, as she and Team Kakashi strolled into the Sand nin's hospital room.
Kankuro was looking pretty terrible, if Naruto did say so himself. Of course, Sakura could cure him- she was badass and damn if he didn't know it- but he was also looking kind of down. Even though he was asleep. But that was besides the point.
Maybe he could help?
"Kankuro, okay, so three missing nin walk into a bar, covered in guts. One's from Iwa, one from Ishi, and one—"
Sakura smacked him on the head. "Can't you read the atmosphere, idiot?! There's no time for these jokes! We have to go save Gaara!"
"Hey, hey, hey, Kakashi-sensei."
Kakashi looked sideways for a few moments, before he decided to indulge his student. "What?"
"Why was the scarecrow promoted? Because he was outstanding in his field."
Kakashi smiled behind his mask. "Focus on the mission, Naruto. And if I remember correctly, you used the same punchline on me the first time we met."
"Whaaaaaaat?" Naruto's eyes widened. "I did? And you remembered? You're old Kakashi-sensei."
"And he can still easily kick your ass." Sakura pointed out.
"Shut up, Sakura-chan."
"Tobi, tobi…" Naruto muttered.
"I bet he can't make this into a pun." Sakura muttered.
Tsunade smiled down at her apprentice. "Five hundred ryo he does."
"Tobi or not tobi, that is the question." Naruto proudly announced.
Tsunade happily took the money from her apprentice, before she frowned. "Wait, shit. Something awful is going to happen now. Shit."
"What's an Uchiha's sense of justice?" Naruto tiredly asked himself after a day of training with Yamato. "An eye for an eye."
"Dickless—" Sai started.
"I got it!" Naruto announced. "I've got the perfect joke I'm going to try on Sasuke."
Sai smiled serenely. "What is it?"
"Why can't Sasuke use the Byakugan? 'Cause Hinata Hyuga." said Naruto proudly, crossing his arms at his teammate.
"..." Sai didn't know how to respond to that.
"War doesn't determine who is right. Only who is left." Naruto nodded sagely.
"...Was that a pun?"
Sakura remarked tiredly, rubbing her temples, "It's Naruto. Everything is a pun."
"Sasuke!" Finally, in Orochimaru's hideout, they had found the last Uchiha. Man, that had taken them awhile.
"Come home Sasuke!" Sakura pleaded, dodging a ball of fire.
"Yeah, Sasuke! Sharigan is caringan." Naruto grinned, flipping in the air to avoid a shower of kunai.
Everyone present looked at Naruto with an exasperated look, even Sasuke.
"Naruto."
"I'm going to beat you, believe it!" Naruto yelled, running towards Kakuzu with his arm outstretched with Rasengan.
"Is that really all you can do?" The nin taunted. "Pathetic."
"Just you watch you—"
"Naruto, focus!" Kakashi panted. "What did sushi A say to sushi B? Wasa-b!"
Naruto nearly stopped in his tracks, but luckily he didn't.
"Kakashi, you-"
"Focus! Destroy the hearts! Remember what I just told you!"
"Right! Thanks Kakashi-sensei!"
"...Well, shit."
Konoha was destroyed, Jiraiya was dead, Ichiraku Ramen was obliviated, and everything had gone to such complete shit that it shouldn't even be called just regular shit. It was mega shit. The biggest shit.
Naruto looked up at the sound of approaching footsteps, and saw Hinata standing there, a faint blush on her cheeks.
"A-Ah, Naruto-kun, are y-you alright?"
Naruto sighed. "I don't know, Hinata-chan, I really don't know."
Hinata placed her fingers together. "W-What do you call s-somebody with no body and just a nose?"
Naruto felt his mouth start to twitch upwards.
"N-Nobody nose."
Naruto wrapped his arm around the girl, almost causing her to faint. His grin was wide and infectious. "You're the best, Hinata-chan!" He took a deep breath. "Let's go kick some Akatsuki ass!"
"Wow, that's a lot of people." Naruto's mouth fell open at the sight of all the shinobi gathered at the Land of Iron.
Kiri, Kumo, Iwa, Konoha, Kaze— it was honestly extremely impressive seeing all the powerful ninja sitting together, more or less calmly, with their bodyguards surrounding them. All different styles, appearances, countries— Naruto was in awe.
He quickly walked towards the Kumo nin, much to the said ninja's bemusement. They glared at the blond as he got near, but Naruto was used to it, so instead he just smiled.
"Hey, next time you see Killer Bee, can you tell him this joke?"
Shi and Darui looked at each other, before Darui sighed. "Sure, we'll tell him."
"Okay. How many tickles does it take to tickle an octopus?" Naruto grinned, despite Shi's unamused look and Darui's dull chortle. "Tentacles!"
Shi was thoroughly unimpressed. "...We'll tell him."
Naruto flashed them the thumbs up. "Thanks!"
"HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT—"
"FUCKFUCKFUCKFUCKFUCK—"
"SASUKE YOU SON OF A BITCH—"
"So the Shinobi Alliance, eh?" Naruto scratched his head. "Not gonna lie, that sounds pretty awesome. We're so badass. We're gonna kick Madara's wrinkly old Uchiha ass!"
Sakura high fived her teammate. "You bet we are! And with Shishou woken up, things will really kick off."
"Think we'll make it?"
"Yeah, I think we will." Sakura smiled warmly at Naruto. "Naruto, I've got something for you."
"What?" Naruto turned to look at her curiously.
"How do you feel when there's no expresso?"
Naruto grinned. "I don't know."
"Despresso."
"You're the best, Sakura-chan."
"Just remember, if we get caught, I'm deaf and you don't speak Japanese." Naruto told Gamakichi.
The toad nodded, "Sounds good yu— what?"
"Now!"
"Thank you, for making me who I am now." Naruto smiled at his darker self, whose eyes were wide.
"What?" Dark Naruto sputtered. "How-"
"Ha, you know what the shoes said to the pants?"
"I don't see how—"
"SUP BRITCHES."
Naruto hugged his struggling dark self, who just whispered "Why me" before fading away in Naruto's arms.
(Everyone had been there, Dark Naruto, you weren't alone in that regard.)
"Who are you?" Naruto panted, looking at the swirling orange mask of the mysterious Akatsuki member.
"I'm nobody."
"Hi nobody, I'm Naruto."
If this is the Child of the Prophecy, then we sure as hell are doomed.
"OH YEAH BITCH YOU BETTER RUN."
"FUCK THATS A LOT OF LIGHTNING. LIKE A LOT OF LIGHTNING."
"MADARA YOU PIECE OF SHIT—
DON'T GIVE ME THAT LOOK ASSHOLE I KNOW WHAT YOU DID—"
Naruto looked around at his friends— Sakura and Sasuke standing next to him once again, Neji watching over them from wherever the dead went, the combined groups of shinobi from all the countries standing proud behind him— and felt his heart soar.
"If you don't think that the Shinobi Allied Forces can defeat anything, that's fine— I understand."
Naruto paused to let that sink in.
"But you're wrong and I hate you."
He clapped his hands together and prepared his technique. "Let's kick these guys' ass!"
"H-Holy fucking shit, I'm exhausted." Naruto groaned from the ground. Yep, he wouldn't be getting up anytime soon. "I'm gonna pass out now."
"Sasuke's going to kill us all after he dispels the Infinite Tsukiyomi."
"God fucking dammit, whatever happened to Sharigan is caringan with that guy—"
"So, mass funeral?" Tsunade looked down sadly at the ruffled ninja.
"Yes. Although, I'd recommend no flowers."
Tsunade frowned. "Why?"
"Because there's going to be enough pansies showing up as it is."
Tsunade groaned and rested her forehead in her hand. "That's awful, Yamato. Terrible. You've spent too much time with Naruto."
"Just trying to lighten the mood, Ma'am."
"Trust me, that isn't the way."
"...We're still friends?"
Naruto nodded. "Of course we are, idiot! We lost our fucking arms even, trust me, we're cool."
Sasuke snorted. "Of course, dobe."
"What was that, teme?"
Sakura and Kakashi rushed up, Sakura immediately beginning to heal Naruto's arm, and Kakashi held out his palm to Sasuke.
"Need a hand?"
There was dead silence, as everyone took in his words, before Naruto starting to choke with laughter. "Oh god, Kakashi! You guys should see your faces!" He cackled.
Sasuke laughed lightly himself. "A hand would be nice." He remarked dryly, watching as Sakura cleaned up the bloody stump that was once Naruto's right arm.
"So, Sasuke, we're cool?"
Sasuke nodded. "We're cool."
Sakura just groaned, "Idiots." but she was smiling brightly as well.
Naruto wiggled his fingers. "Oh my god, this is so awesome." The prosthetic was perfect- Naruto loved it already. Now if he could just paint it orange, maybe color in some tattoos to make it look snazzy-
"I thought so." Sakura snapped her book shut. "Fingers you'd like it."
"...Did you mean 'figures'?"
"You heard what I said."
"I've finally done it. I'm the Hokage. Fucking. Sweet." Naruto fistbumped Sasuke and Sakura. "And I'm not dead yet! Oooh, I wonder how many things I've checked off my bucket list?"
"Bucket list?"
"Yeah! Let's see… be badass, check… save pretty ladies, check… get paid, check… be the best like no one ever was, you bet I am… become Hokage— yep! I've done it!"
He grinned widely, and fiddled with his new hat. "And no one even killed me because of my jokes!"
"Of course not, you've managed to make them more popular than ever." Sakura scoffed, but her eyes were bright with amusement. "In fact, if you haven't noticed, it's become a trend to try and make the funniest puns."
There were sparkles emerging from Naruto's eyes. "Really?"
"Unfortunately." Sasuke agreed.
Naruto wiped his eyes, which had gotten mysteriously wet. "I-I've never been more proud."
Sakura patted him on the back. "There, there. If you finish all your paperwork I'll even pay for your ramen."
Naruto cheered. "You're the best, Sakura-chan."
And noticing how quiet his other best friend had gotten, he flashed him the thumbs up too. "You too, Sasuke-chan."
"Don't call me chan."
"Fine then, baka it is."
Everything was lovely, everything was perfect. Nothing was going to ruin anything, in Sakura's opinion, except—
"So there's these jounin, right- two girls and a boy, and one of them says-"
"You finish that sentence, Naruto, and you'll get your ass kicked seven ways to Sunday."
Naruto deflated.
Yes, it was perfect.
"—'Hey why's Suna here', and the other one says—"
"Naruto!"
Everything was perfect.
"Uh, Hokage-sama? There's someone outside the walls screaming about vengeance—"
"Not again!"
And that's the end.
Probably a bit odd ending, but trust me, I've exhausted all possibly pun-jokes-etc resources, this is about all we've got. Also, 23 pages. New record.
Thank you for reading! I don't own Naruto.
And now, a final pun that I wasn't able to fit in which is a shame because it's hilarious and because my friend told me it:
"Morning students, there'll be a new student today. Her name is Amanda Rinn." *whips out mandarin*