A/N - This was written for hpshipweeks on tumblr based on an anon request for "harry potter trash"

I've wanted to do something like this for awhile and I had so much fun writing it

Enjoy!

Disclaimer - I do not own Harry Potter. Everything is JK Rowling's.


"Look Minerva, Mr. Potter and Miss Granger are getting rather close."

"Albus, they're 11 and 12 years old, respectively."

"Yes, but they won't be so young forever."

"I am still not convinced, Albus."


"Minerva, Pomona, did you have a lovely Valentine's Day today?"

"'Lovely' isn't quite the word I would use."

"I quite agree, Pomona. Lockhart needs to be stopped. I swear if one more of those blasted cupids interrupts one of my lessons, I'll throw him out myself. You know I will, Albus."

"Yes yes you're quite right, my dears. But did you happen to hear about any Valentine's in particular?"

"What in Merlin's name are you talking about?"

"I am referring to a certain singing Valentine a certain first year Weasley sent a certain boy-who-lived."

"Oh goodness, what did it say?"

"His eyes are as green as a fresh pickled toad,

His hair is as dark as a blackboard.

I wish he was mine, he's really divine,

The hero who conquered the Dark Lord."

"Oh come now Albus, you don't really think the poor girl really sent him that?"

"I agree with Pomona, Albus. Miss Weasley may have a crush on young Mr. Potter, but she's not foolish enough to send him something so embarrassing."

"I do suppose you're right. It was most likely her twin brothers."

"None the less, I don't suppose you've been keeping an eye on Miss Weasley and Mr. Potter?"

"Oh not this again, Albus."

"What's that, Minerva?"

"Our illustrious headmaster keeps trying to pair Mr. Potter off with young ladies. Last year it was Miss Granger, this year it's Miss Weasley."

"Well I do think that he would be happier with Miss Weasley, but it's a little early to tell."

"Would you like to make a bet Pomona?" Say 10 Galleons?"

"I will. I say he ends up with Miss Weasley, you say he ends up with Miss Granger. Write this down Minerva, lest we forget."

"You're both mad."


"Where in the name of Merlin's left testicle did Cho Chang come from?"

"Thank you, Minerva, for that lovely beginning to what I'm sure is to be a riveting staff meeting."

"I'm sorry Albus, it's just that I am at a loss."

"What's happened now?"

"Well, did you know that Harry Potter is taking Cho Chang to Hogsmeade on Valentine's Day?"

"WHAT?"

"Exactly my sentiments, Pomona. I am just at a loss as to when this happened."

"Apparently they kissed before Christmas break."

"Filius, where on earth do you hear these things?"

"The house elves know everything."

"Well no matter, I'm still holding out for Miss Granger."

"I beg to differ, Albus, Miss Weasley is much better suited for him."

"I must agree with Pomona, Albus. I do know my Lions, after all."


"I knew they wouldn't last."

"Oh hush, Minerva. No one could've guessed that the date would've gone that badly."

"They went to Madame Puddifoot's. It was doomed from the start."

"Yes, and he left early to go see Miss Granger. Fancy that."

"Be quiet, Albus."


"Minerva, is it just me, or can a certain Savior of the Wizarding World not keep his eyes off of a certain female Weasley?"

"Why yes, I do believe you're right, Pomona."

"Shall we keep this from Albus?"

"That will make things much more interesting when everything comes to head, don't you think?"

"Definitely. In fact, I heard that he actually asking Mr. Potter if there was anything going on between him and Miss Granger."

"Merlin, really?"

"The house elves know everything."


"Pay up."

"My dear Professor Sprout I have no idea to what you are referring."

"Don't play coy with me, Albus. The gossip mill is in overdrive and everyone knows its because Harry Potter kissed Ginny Weasley after Gryffindor won the Cup."

"But-"

"And everyone also knows that it's only a matter of time before Miss Granger and Mr. Weasley get together."

"Yes well-"

"And it's also known that the only love between Harry Potter and Hermione Granger is purely platonic sibling love."

"Fine fine, you've made your point, you win."

"I'm sorry, what was that? Minerva, can you record this for posterity? I want everyone to know of the time that I beat the Great Albus Dumbledore at something."

"I've been recording ever since we sat down."

"Honestly, ladies, is this really necessary?"

"Yes."

"Most certainly."