I'm sorry but I had to write this. All these Darvey feels and I just needed something. I hope you like it!
Everything was beginning to spin again. People were blurring and his breathing was becoming shallow. He could feel it churning in his stomach ready to come up his throat and choke him. The emotion was too much. The panic was overtaking him again, but it also could have been the alcohol. Everybody was leaving him. Mike was leaving him for Rachel and soon he'd leave for good. Mike would see who he really was and leave like everyone else. He was scared and insecure. He wasn't tough at all. He just pretended to be in hopes he'd finally convince himself of that but now that Donna had left everything had changed. He'd been too scared to tell her the truth, to let her in but he never thought she'd leave. That was even worse. She'd been the only constant in his life for twelve years. She'd been his rock. She'd made him begin to believe that not everyone in his life was going to leave him the same way his mom had left. But now that the unthinkable had happened who was to say everyone else he'd allowed himself to care about wouldn't leave? It was so much easier to push people away then let them in but it hurt even worse when they left. This was Harvey Specter's Achilles' heel. Why wait for them to leave? He knew they were going to, there was no reason for them to want to stay. His mom didn't want to so why would someone else? Better for him to cut ties before they could hurt him the same way she had. But that didn't keep the panic attacks at bay. Especially now that the love of his life had left him. And today was one of those days where he was worse for wear and so the one place that seemed logical to go to was the bar. But that had only triggered a panic attack, as it was the same bar they first met in. And so here he was stumbling to the bathroom to get rid of his stomach contents before he ruined his Armani suit.
Harvey felt relieved that no one else was in the high end bathroom and rushed into the nearest stall just in time. He held his tie as his emotions poured out from his stomach. Once the fear passed he walked out the stall to fix his composure so he could go back out and finish getting drunk. He just wanted to be numb. He didn't want to feel all this pain even if it only lasted one night. He needed a reprieve from the constant soul and gut wrenching heartache. Walking up to the bar tender he ordered a double of scotch and knocked it back immediately asking for a refill. That was just enough to get him buzzed, until he asked for a third much to Ben's chagrin. It was nearing one a.m, and he was plastered. Scotch and some tequila had done the job and he felt completely numb. There was no pain. He'd hit on some of the girls in the bar, made out with a couple, and drank some more but he wanted to go home alone. And that had been his plan until she walked in and she looked equal amounts worried and pissed. She was in her pajamas. Donna never wore pajamas anywhere. She even had a workout outfit for her yoga. What the hell was she doing here? He was trying to forget about her, for just one night. But no apparently he was not allowed to have a reprieve from his never ending pain. She ignored all the looks and walked straight up to him.
"What the hell are you doing? Why are you drunk?"
"I'm not drunk." He said unconvincingly said with a slight slur. Being drunk normally just effected his vision, not so much speech.
"Really?" She asked with a scoff taking out her phone. "What do you call this Harvey?" Donna held up her screen, which was unnecessarily bright, and he had to try and focus on the small lettering. He could make out his name at the top. When did he text her? He wasn't stupid enough to drunk text anyone. So how had he managed to do that, and to her no less.
"Um, my eyes are actually kinda tired from all the legal reading today."
"No, you're wasted. I can smell the booze seeping out of your pores." She accused and with pretty damning evidence. "What's going on with you Harvey? You've only gotten drunk twice before in the twelve years I've known you. When your father passed away and after our first big win when you got too excited. What's wrong? You haven't been yourself at all."
"How can I be okay Donna? You left me. You left me like my mom left me. Mike has left me and now he's getting married and he's leaving me again. Soon he'll leave for good. Everyone leaves me but you've always been here for me. Right by my side. How can I be okay? You tell me that. I love you Donna and ever since you've left I've been in pain every day. I've had so many panic attacks because if the one person that matters most to me can leave without hesitation, who says everyone else won't?" He confessed not knowing when the tears had begun to fall. He'd tried to hold them in. He'd held them in for so long but now that he was vulnerable they couldn't stay in any longer. Donna had such a pained look on her face that she kicked the guy beside him out of the chair so she could sit beside him. She took his hand in hers and rubbed circles over it with her thumb.
"Harvey… I'm so sorry. But you did this. You pushed me away. I gave you a chance. I wanted to be with you but you got scared and you pushed me and it hurt too much to want to go back to work and feel the same way every time I saw you." She said softly looking him directly in the eye, still rubbing comforting circles on his hand.
"I miss you Donna. I miss you so much. I want you back. I want the pain to go away. I can't take it anymore. I'm not strong enough." He trailed off after his voice cracked, vice barely above a whisper.
"You are strong Harvey. You've gone through a lot in your life but you need to see a counselor. You have abandonment issues and it's not going to get better unless you start trying to work through them. Everyone isn't leaving you, especially me. I never really left you. You could have come to me. You could have told me all of this. I would have stayed but maybe now we can have a second chance." She said with a small smile, putting a hand on his cheek. Harvey leaned into her touch and closed his eyes.
"You've always known me better than myself. You've always made me feel better. You make me be better Donna."
"So let me take you home Harvey. No more drinking." She pleaded.
"I can go home on my own Donna. I can't take any more pain, I really can't. It's killing me inside."
"So let me in. You've always pushed me away when things got too real. Try something new Harvey."
"I don't know how Donna." He whispered looking up at her with such desperation and pain. He wanted to make things different but he didn't know how.
"Like this." She said with a smile leaning forward and pressing her lips gently to his. He could have blamed the alcohol for making him dizzy but he knew that it was entirely Donna and the way she was kissing him. She pulled back and he looked at her awestruck. "Time to go home Harvey." She said softly pulling him up from the chair by his hand. He obliged and got up and was thankful for her arm wrapped around him keeping him upright. He'd definitely had too much to drink. Maybe he was just imagining Donna? Maybe he'd fallen asleep? But this all felt too real.
"Is this real?" He asked aloud.
"Yes Harvey, it's real." She assured with a bemused smile.
"So you did kiss me?" He asked a goofy grin making it's way onto his face.
"Did you enjoy it?" She asked with a laugh.
"I want to do it again." The alcohol confessed.
"Good. Maybe if you co-operate I'll give you a bedtime kiss too."
"But I want one now." He pouted, head and body swaying. "I really do love you Donna."
"I know Harvey. I love you too." She said walking him to her car.
"You have no reason to. I'm an asshole and a jerk." He said sadly. "Maybe that's why everyone leaves me anyways. I'm not a good person."
"No Harvey, that's not it. You're letting your fear warp the truth. Besides, you're my asshole." She teased. A bemused puff of air came from his lips. "Careful, don't hit you head." She cautioned helping him into the passenger seat.
Harvey closed his eyes as soon as he sat down and felt Donna put the seatbelt on him. "I'm not gonna remember this, am I?" He slurred with a sad tone.
"Probably not, but I'll help you remember." She promised, closing the door and walking around to the other side.
"I can't sleep right anymore Donna. Not since you left, at least not without pills." He murmured eyes still closed.
"Oh Harvey. Why do you do this to yourself? You should have talked to somebody."
"If I talk to somebody, they'll just run away. They'll leave if they see someone else besides the person they see at the office. I don't want to be left alone." He confessed, another set of tears falling. Donna took a hand off the wheel and slipped it into his giving it a squeeze. "I'm sorry for hurting you Donna. I never meant to. I thought I was protecting myself but I only hurt myself worse."
"I forgive you Harvey." Donna said with a small smile giving his hand another squeeze. She focused on driving and Harvey went silent as he fell asleep with only the soft sound of his breathing alerting Donna to his un-consciousness.
It was a short drive to his apartment due to the lateness of the hour but it was trying to wake Harvey up that took longer. She couldn't carry him but he was out. She finally slapped him and he awoke with a start.
"Sorry. I'm sorry. But we're here and I can't carry you up." She apologized feeling bad for hitting him.
" 'S okay Donna." He said his eyes fluttering open and closed constantly. She managed to help him out of the car and walk with him up to his apartment. She took the spare key from its' hiding place and opened the door with a twist of the knob and a push. She made her way with him to the bedroom and sat him down on the edge of the bed to begin undressing him. "What're you doin?" He slurred.
"You need to change so I'm taking you out of all the excess layers so you don't have as much work to do. You can barely stand let alone get dressed."
"Oh." He said simply eyes just barely managing to stay open as he watched Donna take off his tie, then his jacket, followed by his vest and shirt. She undid his belt and helped him take off his pants. "Tryin to see me naked again?"
"It wasn't that much of a treat." She teased with a twinkle in her eye. He chuckled and removed the tanktop on his own.
"No shirt, just shorts." He instructed pointing to his bureau. "Top drawer." Donna did as was instructed and grabbed a pair of shorts getting each of his legs through it.
"You're pulling those up on your own." She said leaving no room for negotiation. "And your socks." Harvey did as she told and then laid back in bed. Donna came over and pulled the sheets out from under him and covered him up.
"Kiss?" He questioned.
"I guess you have been relatively good." She said making it seem like she was weighing her options.
"Please?" He asked looking at her with wounded puppy dog eyes.
She sat down beside him on the bed and ran a hand through his hair. He tilted his head toward her hand and closed his eyes with a smile on his face. "I've missed you too Harvey." Donna confessed with a sad smile on her lips. "It's not the same. I thought I could pretend but I can't. We had a deep connection and while Louis and I have more in common he'll never hold the same high regard in my heart that you do. We've been through too much together. You're the one I love, not Louis."
"So you'll come back?" He asked with a purr as she continued to play with the hair he wouldn't let anyone else touch.
"Maybe." She said. "We'll see how everything goes. You may wake up in the morning and get scared again and continue to push me away."
"Don't let me. Please Donna. I can't be me without you." He said looking up at her with a longing she hadn't seen him possess before.
She simply smiled at him and caressed his face in her hand leaning down and pressing another gentle kiss to his lips. This time he kissed her back and held onto her arm with his hand. Donna pulled back once again and rest her forehead on his. "Sleep tight Harvey." She whispered.
"Stay with me, please." He pleaded. She smiled and shook her head. "I'll see you tomorrow Harvey. I love you."
"I love you too Donna." He croaked trying to reach up and kiss her again. She let him and kissed him one last time.
"Goodnight handsome. You're never alone." She said standing up and running a hand through his hair again.
"I don't want you to leave yet. I don't want to feel the heartache again." He pleaded with her, eyes glistening again.
"I'm not leaving you Harvey. I'm just going to go get some sleep too. So close your eyes and dream of me, of us." She said softly, smiling down at him. "I'll be here in the morning." Donna said before turning her back and beginning to leave.
"I love you. Don't leave Donna, not again." She heard him cry with tears flowing down his face. He watched her leave and heard the front door close but didn't see her own tears as his request broke her heart. He closed his eyes and let the sleep and tears wash over him. He was just beginning to slip into deep sleep when he felt a set of arms wrap around him and a warm body curl up into him.
"I'm here Harvey." He heard her voice whisper into his ear. He felt a kiss pressed to his cheek and he fell asleep with the tears and pain now at bay.
So, what do you think of this one shot? You like it? If so, feel free to leave a review. Feedback is always welcomed.