180Chapter Thirty-two: Normalcy
"Everything was perfectly healthy and normal here in Denial Land."
― Jim Butcher, Cold Days
"Normal is an ideal. But it's not reality. Reality is brutal, it's beautiful, it's every shade between black and white, and it's magical. Yes, magical. Because every now and then, it turns nothing into something."
― Tara Kelly, Harmonic Feedback
A week after my first date with Aone, I was in the gym with the boys, practicing like normal. Everything about this week was normal and I have finally realized that no matter what the team knows, they do not see me differently. That being said, they still worried and they asked how I felt every minute they got but it wasn't as if they had left. My brain had started to become more manageable at home. That being said, I was barely home between practicing after school and getting up early to get to school so I wouldn't have to be alone with my thoughts.
"Are you going to tell us?" Noya asks for the millionth time this week. Hinata and Kageyama couldn't keep their mouths closed about my date but that was once the cat was out of the bag. The person who had let the cat out of the bag was my co-coach, standing close to me as he stiffened with the libero's curiosity.
"No, so stop asking," I groan and Ukai coughs. I look over at him and he gives a sympathetic smile.
"You guys have to leave her alone," the man mutters without much force and somehow, the team doesn't fear him like normal.
"Come on! We have waited this whole week for you to tell Kiyoko and Yachi and for us to eavesdrop but you haven't," Tanaka says as he backs up his friend. I roll my eyes as Kiyoko merely sighs to my other side. She and I already gossiped and then filled in Yachi this week during lunch.
"I will make you a bet," I tell them deviously. Noya and Tanaka give me excited smiles as the rest of the team comes to me. "We'll play a scrimmage and if your team wins, then you can ask me three questions about my date. If I win, then I will make you do an extra punishment at the training camp."
"Easy," Noya says and I can see his uncertainty. Normally I set up the teams but the threat of them actually choosing their own team will make this more fun.
"Okay, so you and Tanaka will be one team and I will start by picking my next player. We'll switch choosing after that." The two second years nod vigorously and I smile wider. Looking at the players, I make eye contact with one. "I want Ennoshita."
"What?" Ennoshita breathes out as I motion to come to my side. He's surprised I picked him first but he has been training hard. He is good all around so I don't have to worry about receives as much.
"Okay well we want Hinata," Tanaka proclaims. I nod and after that we have soon divided our teams. My team is myself, Ennoshita, Suga, Yamaguchi, Asahi and Narita. The other team is Noya, Tanaka, Hinata, Kageyama, Tsukki, Daichi and Kinoshita.
"We got this," Noya tells his teammates across the court. They are starting with Tsukki out and Noya subbed in for him. Unfortunately I don't have the pleasure of getting a break, us being a perfect six man team. I smile as I motion for everyone to get into position and then go to the back line.
"You're serving?" Suga asks me with a smirk and I nod. My team may not have the spiking strength but we have good receives and excellent game sense. I also have a team for killer serves. Hopefully it will be enough because it's going to be so lame if I lose and have to tell them about my date.
"You ready?" I ask as I go to the serving line. Noya nods as he gets down and we begin to play.
"Okay okay, let's leave and on the way home you can ask me your questions," I say unhappily. We lost and it was by the skin of our teeth. But I lost the bet nevertheless and now I have to keep my end of the bargain. Noya and Tanaka jump around me and Kiyoko.
The boys hurry with their bags and cleaning up and the sun is still in the middle of the sky. With all the training they are doing during the week we only had a four hour practice today, getting out by 2 o'clock. I had to do some laundry and get ready for the training camp next week, so I was grateful we got some hours for chores.
"Do you want to come over?" Kiyoko whispers to me and Yachi, while our blonde friend shakes her head.
"No, I have to do some studying that I have been putting off."
"I have to do laundry and clean my apartment."
"Okay. We'll have to ask the other managers what we are going to be doing for the week for dinners. We can do it at lunch next week," Kiyoko muses and I nod with a smirk.
"Hopefully we won't just come up with things that Yukie will love because last time it was meat meat and more meat," I tease and Yachi giggles. Our conversation is cut short as Noya and Tanaka grab both of my arms and pull me to start walking so they can start asking questions.
Hinata is next to us with Yamaguchi trailing happily. The rest of the boys aren't as concerned about me and what I do outside of the team but follow to listen. I wave at the two girls and our other coach as my arm is captured again by Noya.
"Okay so what are we going to ask?" Hinata laughs as he looks at his senpais.
"Well it's not so fun to waste our questions on where they went on their date," Noya schemes as I roll my eyes. We are walking down the street to the market and I know with the leisurely pace, that they won't be pulling this like a bandaid.
"We should ask her what they did do," Tsukki teases and my face begins to warm with the insinuation. Goodness I didn't think they would ask me about if I kissed him.
The memory of that night comes to mind and I smile even wider. I kissed him and he kissed me. Some inner part of me feels weightless as I remember Aone's face after I kissed him and he was so in awe. I want to kiss him more, the feeling of kissing Aone both comforting and completely exhilarating in my mind.
"Did you kiss him?" Kageyama asks behind Hinata. I look over my shoulder to see the ginger headed boy look at Kageyama with a shocked face. He didn't think Kageyama would ask me something like that. Kageyama tilts his head in confusion and then continues. "Isn't that what you do on a first date?"
"You don't have to Bakeyama," Hinata argues and Kageayma shrugs.
"I would want to," he confesses shamelessly and I smirk at Hinata who has somehow blushed with the setter's words.
"Are you going to waste a question on that?" I ask Noya and Tanaka. The boys look at each other and then frown.
"No, we know he wouldn't kiss you," Noya says quickly and I frown.
"Why not?" I ask with an angry tone.
"Because he's shy and you're too short to reach him if you wanted to kiss him first," Tanaka teases and I feel the blush go away.
"Aone is not shy and we did kiss," I argue angrily and realize that I fell into that trap.
"Wow, you're so dumb you told us without us using a question," Tsukki comments from the back of the group. I yell in frustration and release myself from the two second years still holding me.
"Whatever you guys are so lame," I proclaim as I hurry along.
"So did you kiss him first or did he kiss you first? That is a question," Ennoshita asks in haste. I roll my eyes and think about literally running away.
"We both did, I guess. No one was first. How is one even first?" I reply with a grumpy voice.
"Okay, two more questions," Hinata says and I turn to the ginger as he thinks up a question.
"Did you go to his house?" Noya asks. I raise an eyebrow and the boy adds, "That's our next question."
"Yes I did because I had to wait for Suoh to pick me up," I reply as I see the market in the distance.
"Okay this is the last one for you guys and then you have to leave her alone," Daichi calls out and I turn to my captain with a grateful smile.
"I think we should ask her about the kiss," Tsukki says and I breathe in with shock.
"Absolutely not," I yell and Tsukki smirks. "No, that is off limits even for you guys."
"Fine," Noya says and then puts his finger to his lips in thought. "Maybe we should ask her later and save our question."
"Oh that's so smart Noya!" Tanaka yells and we get to the market. I sigh as I think about having them cash in their question on the next date. "We will save our question."
"Fine, whatever," I say as I wave to them.
It is Yamaguchi's turn to walk me home and I walk away with a smile on my face regardless of the boys' teasing. Yamaguchi follows after me and the walk to my apartment is long but on the way there, I hear something. It sounds like a small animal but when I look at Yamaguchi for any indication of if he heard it, he doesn't seem like he does.
The sound somehow follows us and I look around the street. A girl stands on her phone, Yamaguchi looking at her with a smile. The boy blushes a bit and I know he is probably nervous because she might be cute but when I look I notice she is foreign. She smiles back at me and then walks the direction of our school. The noise of the animal follows us and I look around as we walk and there is only content silence in the afternoon sun until my apartment.
"So where did you go on your date?" Yama asks me as we get to my door. I look at him when I put my key into the lock.
"We went to the aquarium," I tell him happily. I know he won't tell the boys too much and besides they didn't really care about what we did and wanted to embarrass me.
"That sounds fun. Did you really go to his house?"
"Yah, why?" I ask with a confused face. I let us into the apartment and Yamaguchi and I start our routine of checking my bedroom and the spare room.
"Was his house nice? Did you meet his parents?" Yamaguchi yells from the room over. I feel my face make a weird expression.
"His mom works nights and his sister was with his aunt. Why?"
"I don't know. I was curious. I would be nervous if I brought a girl home from a date," Yamaguchi tells me as we emerge from the bedrooms. I shrug but can see where Yamguchi is coming from. It was like that feeling I had when I was at Aone's home. It was a little embarrassing and I felt different. No one is at my home so when Aone came over, there was nothing to even be mildly embarrassed about that wasn't my own doing.
"Yah, no one was home so that was good I guess," I say uncertainly as we move to the kitchen and look there to find no one potentially hiding in my apartment.
"Well, it's good that it was a nice date," Yamaguchi tells me with a shy smile. I smile back and walk the boy to the front door so he can leave. "I'll see you on Monday."
"See you. Thank you," I say as the boy walks out the door and I lock it behind him.
Dropping my bag, I sigh as I turn on the tv for some noise. Putting on some kid's channel, I put the volume low and then proceed with my chores. Grabbing dirty clothes from around the house and out of gym bags takes a while. I also change into some leggings and a large tshirt, cleaning my kitchen as I go along. Getting all my dirty laundry and sorting it into piles, I hear something outside.
It sounds like an animal crying and then something is scratching the door. What the hell is that, my brain thinks. Maybe I am losing my mind. Yama didn't seem to notice anything when we were walking home but it sounds almost like that. I go to my front door and look out the peephole. There is nothing and no one there. The noise stops and I walk away from the door to go back to my laundry. The noise starts scratching on the front door again.
"Okay, what the hell is it?" I say to my empty home. I open the front door this time, angry that my brain is playing games on me. But opening the door reveals no human on the other side. Only a small feline with claws is there. And the cat that was waiting at the door, runs in before I can shut it again.
I turn around quickly as I close my door and a raggedly orange cat is in my home.
The cat meows and then runs into the hallway and I am left shaking my head in utter confusion.
"Hey, no, this is not your house," I tell the cat as I run after it. I find the animal sitting on my uniform pile and rolling around on top of them. Making a noise of anger, I shoosh the cat away only for it to stop and look at me. It meows once again as I walk to it.
"This is not your house buddy and this is not your laundry," I say as I pick up the cat. It allows me to hold it and I keep it as far away from my body as possible. "You stink like you've been rolling in the garbage."
The cat meows and I shake my head as I walk the intruder back to the front door and open it. Dropping the cat outside my house, I closed the door quickly. Wiping my hands on my gym clothes, I wrinkle my nose while trying to get rid of the smell. Then I hear the cat screaming bloody murder outside my door. Then I hear the cat scratching my front door. And then lastly I hear my neighbor yelling at me to shut my cat up.
I have half the mind to yell back that this is not my cat. I don't know why this cat thinks it can come here or why it thinks I would let it in. It stinks like it's been on the street for months and I don't know anything about cats. I have no food for it or litter box or toys and it's not mine. The screaming gets louder and I knock on my side of the door.
"Go away kitty. This is not your house," I yell at it and the cat scratches more vigorously. I groan as I wonder what the front door is even going to look like. Then the noise stops and I let out a breath of relief. Until I hear the cat at the living room window, scratching against that next. I pull the curtain back and look into the eyes of the enemy.
The cat is orange on top and white on his little legs and tummy. He seems too big to be a kitten but also seems skinny. His eyes have black mucus in the inner corners but his fur seems to be okay other than that. His bright yellow eyes stare at me as he ceases the scratching of my window. Which left some marks from his sharp nails and I know somehow that this is going to only get worse. We stare at one another through the glass and the cat meows once more.
"Are you going to go away?"
The cat gives a meow and as I go to close the curtain again, he begins to scream. I groan and open the curtain quickly. He immediately stops, small paws in the middle of him going to scratch my window.
"I don't have food for you or a litter box and you stink. So if you want to come in you have to have a bath," I tell the cat and it meows and then jumps down.
I smile and think about how clever I am to threaten it. That is until I hear the cat scratching the door again. I roll my eyes and grab my wallet and keys. Texting the first years group chat that I am leaving my apartment to go to the store, I open my apartment door to the cat sitting patiently. What the hell am I doing? He could be someone's pet. But at this point, my house is too quiet and this cat might be just what I need.
"Let's go get you some stuff," I mutter and then begin the journey to the store for my new cat.
Everything started out as a normal Tuesday. We were leaving for the training camp again on Friday. I would be seeing Aone and Hana on Thursday at my weekly appointment. Dirk, my new cat, which apparently had lived a couple of doors down and got abandoned, was all set up in the house. I had taken him to the vet the day after he forced me to take him in and he was in good health, albeit with allergies which cause his eyes to get goopy.
He got a bath and was now allowed anywhere in the house, though he mostly just slept on the couch or on top of clothes. He liked laying in the laundry basket which made him smell a little since some of that was my gym clothes, but he hadn't destroyed anything in the house yet so I would take the harmless smell. I got him some toys and when I was gone to the training camp next week, Suoh agreed to babysit him.
"Do you want to go have lunch?" Kageyama asks when I don't move after the bell rings. I look up from my notes where in the corner is a new play I have developed. The boy is looking at me with a scowl that always graces his face. Giving him a small smile I shake my head.
"No, I have to go see Nurse Ito today since she wanted to do some new semester paperwork or something," I reply sadly. Kageyama nods and then walks away. Hinata is in the hallway with his own friends, waiting for Kageyama even if they never admit it.
Hinata had friends of his own from the other class but Kageyama didn't really have anyone since he didn't go to middle school with everyone last year and he can't make new friends easily. Hinata and Kageyama didn't interact without the volleyball team but when I mentioned to Hinata a month or two back that Kageyama was always alone when I left for lunch, the ginger had slowly introduced him into his own friend group.
They also got into the habit of sharing lunches when they weren't with the larger group. I smile as Kageyama frowns as Hinata and he bicker, their friend group laughing as I know this is a daily occurrence. Hinata smiles at everyone and Kageyama even changes his frown into a confused face, probably wondering why Hinata is happy again.
It's good that Kageyama has friends that he can't just act like a setter with, my voice muses and I nod to the open air. It is good for him to have Hinata and for Hinata to have him be friends with other people. I hope they always stay as friends. People around me walk to their friends' desks or out the door. Rising, my body begins the trek to the nurse's office as my mind wanders.
Next week will be the training week again and we will leave. I haven't had a routine and my paranoia has been going down with realizing that nothing is wrong. Even if Erwin had said that Gilbert is still in Japan, he hasn't been here with me. I haven't seen him since that first time and even then, I know that the boys would keep him away.
Gilbert can't get me here at school and the boys walk me home, no complaints from my end and someone checks my apartment with me. Everyone is aware of my almost stalker. But maybe I am being dramatic. Maybe I am crazy for even thinking that he would be after me. Maybe I am giving myself too much credit that I was that important to Gilbert.
"Hitz-chan," Nurse Ito welcomes me as I push on the door to her office.
The woman is bright in her slacks and blouse. She wears a little doctor's coat over it but has rolled the sleeves up with the warm weather. Nurse Ito gestures to the chair and I sit gently. She smiles gently at me and I know from Suoh that she won their bet about my date and how it went. What they bet on and what were the terms, I have no clue but the warm woman didn't change her image of me.
The window is open in her office and a warm breeze ruffles her hair. The air is no help with the heat. I wear a short sleeve shirt, rolled up even more but have a white arm compression sleeves to hide the scars from elbow to wrist. My legs only have knee highs to hide my ankles but a lot of skin is actually showing. Even with all my skin showing and the worst of me hidden, I am still sweating.
"Will this take a long time?" I ask quietly as my anxiety rises up. I forgot to grab my lunch to eat it here with her if it was going to take the whole period. The nurse shakes her head and I nod as I wonder if I can text Yachi to grab me lunch.
"Hitz-chan how have you been doing with medication?" the woman asks me, wasting no time. I like that about her, she has gotten more to the point, knowing I don't have the patience for formalities and pleasantries.
"It is good. I am back on the trial and Doctor Suoh has been monitoring like usual," I reply confidently. My heart feels light with her asking me questions that could lead to my fears but I have no reason for her to ask about.
"Good. So would you say that you feel good?"
"I would say I feel normal," I reply with a half smile. I think this is the best that I could ever be, this half normal normal. I have voices still but I can control them and do so much more with this medication. There are the normal questions about my health after that and lunch is over.
The day passes with speed like all my days since we returned from training camp and I have pushed faster and faster through the hours. The boys fly in the air for spikes and appear under the ball for receives like gods of sport. Noya has been working on setting for when we only have one setter in and for the cover as needed. He has been a little too eager and less concentrated with it but it's something I know he can do. Asahi has been trying to get his jump serve float down and I know that he could do so much more than I could because he has the height behind the serve.
"Katrina, are we going to go to the market today?" Hinata asks cheerily. He and I brought our bikes as usual but we would most likely stay later than everyone, dinner being market buns. All the other boys have been so tired with our all out practicing that they take turns walking me home. Today is Hinata and Kageyama's turn. They no doubt will want to stay a little later to keep on working on their spiking.
"Yah we can because you guys are going to want to stay after the others for your spikes," I reply as Kageyama gives me a nod from the other side of the net. Hinata bounces happily over to his setter as the other boys have risen from their stretches.
"We are going to head out," Daichi tells me as the other boys get their bags. They are smiling but I can see the fatigue in their eyes. Especially Suga since he has not been working as hard since he wasn't a starter. Yamaguchi ruffles my hair, messing up my braid.
"Yamaguchi, go home," I scold as he snickers. He joins Tsukki who looks at me with an equally mischievous face. Rolling my eyes, I smile at them as Yachi tosses the ball for Kageyama and Hinata. The girl will leave with me and Kageyama and Hinata, us dropping her off first. The gym is cleared out and I turn to my friends and somehow this feels like how I used to be oh so many years ago.
I would stay back with the new girls and practice with them in the past. Going to my side of the net to receive Hinata's spikes and be a body for him to spike around, I get down. I don't know how this could feel so natural even though voices plague my mind. There is no one watching me and nothing in my way now. Here I am and I can be normal. I can be like a regular teenage girl with friends and a boyfriend and hobbies and a future. I can be something.
"Hello?" a voice calls in English and I turn towards the gym door after I receive a ball from Hinata. Why are they speaking in English? I didn't recognize the voice and when I saw the girl in jeans and a t-shirt before me, I didn't recognize her.
"Hi," I reply back and await her words to follow up why she was here and who she was.
The girl steps into the gym and I examine her more as the silence follows up. She looks about our age but she doesn't appear to be Japanese. With her calling out in English, I know she was foreign but she had some accent to it that I couldn't place. Her blonde hair is short like Yachi's but she has blue eyes. She is tall, taller than Hinata. My friends are waiting patiently for me. I wave to them in a way that says I will handle it and their hesitant steps back to their side of the gym follows.
"I am looking for Katrina Hitz," she replies again as I try to figure out where is from. Her accent is so normal but there is more of a twang to it to be nothing. She must be American but why is she here?
"Why?" I ask defensively and the girl comes closer to me, a smile beginning to appear at the corner of her lips. The girl is before me and grabs my hands, sweaty both from practice and now with expectation of why she knows my name.
"I found you! I'm so glad, I thought that I had it wrong. I had to sneak away to find you and then I got lost. Everything here is so confusing. I don't know why coach Messer has us practicing here but I guess it might be for you," she replies while giggling with her confession of slipping away from something. Yanking my hands back, my body freezes with her mention of Gilbert. What the fuck is going on, my voice screams.
"What the fuck is going on?" I echo and the girl jolts with my angry tone. The three others in the gym halt their actions when they catch my fury and they come to me. Hinata is first at my side and stands so close our shoulders touch.
"Who are?" Hinata says angrily in his poor understanding of English. The girl seems confused with his accent and I can feel Yachi come to my side. She is the best out of the three with English but with her vibrating with anxiety I know she won't be necessarily talking.
"Who are you? Why do you know me?" I ask the intruder with a low voice. My anger could be cut with a knife as it surrounded us. My fear was so prominent in the haze and I feel like it's so suffocating. The blonde girl quirks her head to the side and furrows her brow.
"I'm Elena! I'm the setter for the American national team. We came here to get you but coach says he couldn't ask you yet. I thought he was just nervous about asking you to join our team so I found your school when you coached at the boy's tournament and now I'm here to ask you myself," the girl says happily. She pulls out her phone and I can see her dialing a number. My heart catches in my throat and I think she is calling the person that is my biggest fear.
"Stop," I command and the girl halts her fingers on her phone. "What the hell do you mean American national team? I told Gilbert I wouldn't join any team he was coaching. I hate him. I already told him no, so you have to go and leave me alone."
"What?" the girl shrieks and Hinata has stepped off of me and into Kageyama on his other side. The taller boy is confused but I know that they can see this isn't normal. "No, he said you wanted to join us. He never mentioned that you knew him."
"He coached me, so he lied to you. We were at CDL together in Switzerland. He was my coach for an entire year and he," I strayed off here, watching the girl gain an angry look.
"He didn't coach in Switzerland, no he was in the US," she argues and I shake my head.
"Gilbert Messer?" I ask and she nods her head slowly. I scoff and shake my head. "He's fooling you. It would have been a couple years back. What the fuck is he doing? He can't coach a team. They suspended him for what happened to me that year."
"You're a liar! He is the best coach ever and he wasn't suspended. I don't know who you think you know but that isn't Gilbert."
"No, I'm not lying to you. What use would I have to lie to you? You came to me and I clearly don't want anything to do with you. There has to be a reason and the reason is that Gilbert is a psychopath."
"You're lying, I don't know why but Gilbert is not like that. He is the best coach in the world and would never do anything wrong to get suspended. You are not right at all."
This girl's whole vision of the man I fear so much stays impeccable. No matter what I were to say to her, I would never convince her that he was horrible. She glares as she gets her phone out once again. She punches it angrily and I realize that she is calling someone when she positions the phone to her ear. Jumping forward, I yank the phone out of her hand and the voice on the other end clicks on.
"Elena?" the voice calls angrily and I still. Elena jumps to me, now realizing I have her phone and can hear whoever answered it. Hinata and Kageyama block her. My body shakes as the voice becomes familiar. "Elena? Where the hell did you go? We've been looking for you for an hour."
"Gilbert?" I whisper as my throat closes and the phone gets quiet on the other side.
Oh god. What have I done? What the hell have I done? He's on the phone. He's in Japan. He's coaching. He's coaching girls and this girl in front of me, idolizes him. She doesn't know what he's capable of and what he has done. Has he hit her? Has he called her names? Has he kicked her after diving for a ball? Has he slapped her so hard, a bruise almost appeared that she had to hide with makeup?
"Katrina," the voice says smoothly, as if his surprise of hearing me wasn't all that surprising. The man continues in German and I hyperventilate. "My dear, what are you doing with my setter?"
"What the fuck are you doing Gilbert?" I yell into the phone, not aware of what language I am using but am sure with my ferocity that it's my mother language. The man on the other side chuckles and my chest rises and falls, expelling every anger filled breath. "What have you done to her? She thinks you can actually coach. You shouldn't be coaching. You can't."
"I was only suspended in Switzerland," he replies without hesitation and Elena yells in frustration as she tries to get past Hinata and Kageyama. "So I can coach and I have a team. You can join us, Katrina, be a part of a world that you were and not just look at it from the sidelines. I still haven't found anyone as remarkable as you were. I know from the way those boys played that they were led by you and you have only gotten better. I know you because you are my Katrina."
"I am not your Katrina!"
"You'll always be my Katrina," Gilbert replies with a snap. I close my mouth as my body believes that I am in front of him and he has the power to hurt me. My body shakes and I am so scared with anticipation. "And as for Elena, well she is good, but you know how setters are. Unless they have someone like you in the back line, they make so many mistakes. With how you led those boys, you can fix her mistakes. You can lead them without any faults."
"What?" I whisper and Gilbert chuckles. What the hell is he saying? Mistakes? Faults? Gilbert doesn't tolerate mistakes. Oh no, my mind screams.
"If she had you, she wouldn't make mistakes. I haven't started any punishments but you know they will start Katrina. If I had a libero, Elena and the others wouldn't be punished so badly. You could protect them by playing for me."
"No one should be punished. Please don't punish them," I plead, tears starting to form in the corners of my eyes.
No one should be Gilbert's punching bag. These girls that he coaches, how many of them have been hurt? How many have been brainwashed into thinking that this will make them better? That the punishments will make them perfect and he has told them that it is only part of growing? My brain has never considered that he would coach again because he wasn't allowed. After me, they said he would never coach. But he is coaching and these girls he's threatening to hurt them, just like before, just like me.
"But you know they need it. How would they ever get better? How would they ever reach their full potential?"
"You know that isn't right. You have to stop this Gil, you can't do this," I command but Gilbert only breathes out gently like he is getting ready to convince an angry animal.
"I know you want to play. I could see it in your eyes when we last met. You can be the best again, I just need to help you. Elena and the rest of the team can help you. I'm sorry if I was too hard on you, I promise it will be better. I will be better to you," he coos into the receiver and the voice is a siren's song.
I could think that my whole year of playing with him was just a bad memory and that he wasn't like how he was. Maybe like now, I was dramatic. My brain just thought that him being a good coach was him being unfair or mean. His voice is so calm and maybe I was the one who was the one who was wrong. Maybe I deserved everything and that he was only trying to make me better.
My voices start to edge around my fear. I don't know what will overtake me first, the fear of Gilbert or the yelling of the voices beyond my haze. I know I was lying back then to myself. I know that the voices tricked me and maybe I was tricked about Gilbert. He waits patiently and his voice chants something like 'it will be okay' into the receiver. My brain had to be lying about this too, my voice says confusedly. Was I always lying and maybe I was fooled back then.
"No," I reply. My brain and the voices start crumbling around me. The fear is impossible and I can't take it. That can't be for nothing. I am not scared right now just because he reminds me of the voices and the voices convinced me. The voices can't convince me without some shred of truth. I know they can't just make something up when I am this strong in my mind with my medication.
"Oh my Katrina. Please, I was only to make you better. I don't know what you think I used to do. You were my libero, my Katrina and I miss you. You need to come back to us. It will be like before, when you could play."
"No. You used to hit me. You hit me and you told me I was worthless," I say slowly. Those are memories that aren't hazy. They are clear through the voices. That fear was real and it wasn't because of my mind. Him, hitting me, controlling me and allowing the girls to do the same, that was real. He's just lying to me now. He can't convince me that all my memories were thought up.
"Katrina what are you talking about?" he says and his voice sounds so sincere. "I never did that to you. Yes the girls were mean to you and I didn't stop it and I should have but I never did that to you."
"No, no," I tell him quickly. My brain tries to remember the days when he would hit me and teeters that my voices just dreamed it up. The man breathes in and I can feel his smirk. I know I can. This isn't paranoia. This isn't paranoia. This isn't the voices. I know this silence. It was when I would finally listen to him and then he would hit me.
"Katrina, please, I am not lying to you. You know I am right. I'm sorry you felt like that but I never meant to hurt you," Gilbert whispers and I know that if I say no I am going to be punished. My body flinches as he lets out a chuckle.
"I am going to tell them. The girls you're coaching. I will never join your team. I am going to tell them what you did to me," I hiss suddenly. My mouth threatened it before I could consider what I was going to say. Maybe this is the wrong decision. Fighting back will only result in punishments.
"And who would they believe, my Katrina? A world renowned coach and a man they love who cares for them and takes care of them? Or would they believe you, a no one anymore, a fallen hero, who tried to kill herself because she choked and felt bullied?"
"No," I yell again and Elena has finally gotten past my guard and yanks the phone away from me. I look at her as she hangs up quickly and gives me a dirty look. "You can't go back. You can't go back to him."
"What the hell is wrong with you?" she asks in English. I shake my head as the angry tears prick the way out of my eyes. "I'm going back, it was a mistake coming to get you. Maybe Gilbert was right and you never recovered from playing."
"No, no please," I beg the girl as she turns around. I grab her wrist and cry harder. "You can't go back to him. You don't know what he's capable of and what he'll do to you. He used to hit me. He'll do the same to you. He'll say it's punishment but it's nothing but abuse."
"You're such a freaking liar," she yells at me and yanks her arm back. She raises it to me when I reach for her again but Kageyama grabs it and Hinata pushes the girl out of the gym.
"Please, please she can't go back to him," I beg my friends and they catch me as I fall and sob.
"I am going to call Suoh-san," Hinata says quickly and I shake my head. Suoh if he sees me like this will take me to the clinic and never let me out. I can't. Hinata looks at Kageyama and our own setter nods.
"Go grab our stuff. I will sleep over tonight at Katrina's house. We will decide what to do later," Kageyama decides. It's one of the first times he offers to stay with me.
"I will stay too," Hinata says and Yachi holds my bag in her hands.
"It's okay Katrina," Yachi murmurs and I put my head onto her shoulder as I cry more.
"She can't go back to Gilbert. He will hurt her. I have to protect her," I tell the girl.
"I know but we can't do anything about it now. She wants to go back and we don't know how to help. We will talk with Takeda-sensei and Suoh-san and see what we can do," she replies as she holds me. I shake my head. We should be able to not let her go back. She can't go back. She doesn't understand. She doesn't understand what he is going to do to her.
"He wasn't supposed to be coaching. I was supposed to be his last," I tell Yachi quickly. The blonde girl looks so sad for me and I shake my head over and over. "He's going to hurt her. I have to save her."
"I know but we can't yet. We have to see how we can first. We can't force her to not go back."
"Come on, we'll go home. We have to go home," Hinata says and I know he is shaken with how distraught I am but I can't help it. I was so scared of Gilbert just hurting me but now I am scared of him hurting others and me not being able to stop it. I was supposed to be his last. He was supposed to never coach again. I should have been the last one who was hurt.
Eeek, I feel bad for Katrina. Also I am sorry for being so late.
As always, follow, fave, review and obsess. Loves yous guys 3