Welcome! Not too long ago, I did a parody that corresponds to Mortal Kombat X's story mode, and I had a blast adding some references, doing some crazy stuff to the characters, and add in some funny dialogue to the characters! While I was writing this, I had the urge to make a parody of this one! I also had another story uploaded, but I had to delete it because it apparently didn't meet my expectations. :/ I still have it saved on my computer, but I don't think it's that good to start off, so that's why I'm bringing you this MK9 Parody instead. :) I'm sorry if you were looking forward to the story with Serenity (OC), but as I write this parody, I will continue revising my planning for The Illuminating Mage as a side project.

Disclaimer: I don't own Mortal Kombat 9. Ed Boon, John Tobias, Netherrealm Studios, and Warner Bros. are the respective owners. I'm just doing this parody for fun and to make people (hopefully) laugh.

Warnings: Possible OOC-ness for the characters, and future references belong to their respective owners. Despite the game being rated M, this will be rated T for language, violence, and partial nudity (that will be taken seriously for a couple of characters).

With those out of the way, enjoy!


Johnny Cage: Narcissistic Asshat


Once upon a time, somewhere in Outworld, the sun rising marks the beginning of today. The birds are flying freely, and then there's a huge one with a bloody beak. That's... totally normal. Surely it must have killed its prey—Oh... Oh dear...

It wasn't a rat or anything like that, but it was Kung Lao, whose deceased body was trapped by a hand grounded. Then there's Scorpion, who was stabbed by Sub-Zero's sword of ice, which was surprisingly still there, and it hasn't melted yet! Then there's Baraka, whose body was... Oh boy. Kung Lao sure knows how to cut before he died.

Johnny Cage's once handsome face was wrecked, including some of his teeth getting knocked out, his five hundred dollar sunglasses were chipped, and his head was separated from his head. How beautiful... The vultures were messing around with Sonya Blade's body, and due to grossness, they flew away. The camera zoomed in to the pyramid where many of the characters almost made it to the top including Cyrax, Nightwolf, Sheeva, Kabal, Kenshi, Mileena, Quan Chi, Liu Kang as a zombie for some reason, and Shujinko.

Looks like everyone's dead. Well, that sucks, because the story's just begun, and there can't be a story without— Wait, there's Raiden! Aaand he's been thrown to the ground. Come on, Thunder God! Whoever is beating you should be easy!

Shao Kahn appeared, looking confident and prepared to finish this off. Well... that's unfortunate.

"Where are the Elder Gods, Raiden?" Shao Kahn demanded. Figuring the Thunder God wouldn't answer, he laughed and picked up the defeated survivor. "Their pathetic Mortal Kombat shackles me no longer." The helpless Raiden earned multiple swats to the face until Shao Kahn got bored and threw Raiden away. While landing on the ground in slow motion, which actually looks pretty cool, but sad for the Thunder God, his amulet fell and cracked, meaning it will be used as a plot point!

"They masquerade as dragons, but are mere toothless worms," Shao Kahn said to him, his hammer in hand. "I mean, come on! They don't do anything!" Raiden slowly turned around and was greeted with the Kahn's foot on his chest, pounding it against him. "My venom spreads. It is the end of all things. Armageddon."

"Stop!" Raiden pleaded, which was unfortunately his only last resort since he's beaten to death.

"Really, Raiden? You're pleading me when you know you're about to die?" the Kahn asked, grasping the god with his fist. "Your time has passed." After that, he threw Raiden far again. He tried to get up, but his face turned sentimental as he looked at his cracked amulet. "Ages wasted in foolish resistance. Now is the dawn of my rule!" Raiden grasped some pieces of the amulet, and began to speak in a foreign language, sitting on his knees. "Yes. Pray to the worms. As your world ends." Shao Kahn grunted since his hammer was heavy, and before he could use it to finish Raiden, the Thunder God spoke out, his eyes turning back to blue.

"He must win!"

Multiple scenes from the past occurred, including one where Raiden was doing shock therapy on Liu Kang, him beating Quan Chi with an awesome pose, him and his comrades singing "The Campfire Song", and too many events that are more likely going to happen again in the story.


Into the past, Raiden witnessed what he envisioned, and it gave him such a monstrous headache. His pupil, Liu Kang, who is thankfully not a zombie, notices his reaction and was curious.

"Lord Raiden! What is wrong?" Raiden let his hand down and sighed.

"Strange visions... in one of them, we were ironically singing, and then the next, there was dancing," Raiden replied. He checked his amulet, noticing it was cracked.

"Your amulet!" Liu exclaimed.

"It is nothing, Liu Kang, but it probably is for me," Raiden said. "The tournament begins." Noticing his lord's posture, Liu stood still and serious, witnessing basically copies of monks, posing as spectators. The kombatants around the two witness this as well. From afar, there is an old man accompanied by two ladies wearing similar styles of clothing, so basically from judging his appearance, he's Outworld's version of Hugh Hefner. Then there's a creature with enormous teeth, which refrains him from closing his mouth.

With the motion of the old man's hands, the spectators began to sit down, and the Mortal Kombat movie theme song began to play in the background, instrumental without the names of course. "Kombatants," he spoke aloud. "I am Shang Tsung! In the coming days, each of you will fight. Some are here of their own volition, or is probably suicidal." One of the challengers, who was totally in a different dress code for fighting, nodded his head towards a young woman known as Sonya Blade and flirted,

"Hey, beautiful. Johnny Cage."

"Good for you," the blonde replied. Johnny was surprised that she didn't recognize him as a well-known actor.

"What, 'Massive Strike'? Citizen Cage'? 'Ninja Mime'? Maybe a cameo in a porno? None of those ring a bell?" Johnny asked in shock. Sonya tried to ignore him by looking away, and by that, she encountered a familiar face.

"Kano..." she said, glaring at the bearded man with a metal piece on his head.

"'Kano'?" Johnny replied. "Maybe that was a porno one of my costars appeared in."

"You participate in the most important Mortal Kombat in history!" Shang Tsung exclaimed, "This tournament, the tenth after nine Outworld victories, will determine Earthrealm's fate. If you defeat all of your opponents, you will face one final challenge... me."

Johnny started laughing to the point where everyone was annoyed and glaring at him, but he quieted down while saying,

"That old geezer is the final challenge? They might as well give me the belt right now. They do have belts, right?" When the actor looked to his left, Shang Tsung was there, and Johnny jumped back. "Whoa! Are you like Goku from DBZ?!" he asked in awe.

"Appearances can be deceiving," Shang Tsung said to the actor. He floated back to his seat, but not before saying, "Our first kombatant will be Mr. Cage!" The actor began to head to the fighting arena, and he looked at the other kombatants.

"That's right! Who's gonna try to beat my sweet ass? No one!"

"Reptile!" the sorcerer announced. Johnny looked to find his opponent, and he was at the rooftop, and he turned visible. The spectators applauded like crazy, some of the taking pictures of the creature as he came into the arena.

"Nice stunt!" Johnny complimented. "Who's your agent?"


"All right! It's show time!" The first fight for the tournament has begun, and so far... Johnny's not doing so well. Since he's in a fancy suit, it's hard for him to fight, but at least he managed to hit Reptile where the sun doesn't shine, whatever type of nether regions he has... After getting the hang of it, he managed to defeat Reptile without tearing his clothes. They were expensive as hell, so if that'd happened, Johnny would be ticked off.

"He got Caged!" Johnny said after his victory. "That's it! I'm so fancy, you already know!" Johnny went to the kombatants who were clearly annoyed by him, pointing at them as he began talking. "And I'm takin' you down, I'm takin' you out, blah blah blah, and I'm takin' you out..." Johnny paused, seeing the blonde he flirted with earlier, "...for dinner."

"Ugh!" Sonya said in disgust, looking away from the actor.

"I'm afraid you're not going to pork her now, Mr. Cage," Shang Tsung announced. "Come over here for your next challenge, Baraka!" Doing what the sorcerer said, the actor went to the fighting arena, and what he encountered was the creature with huge teeth and what looks like stones on his arms. When he was face to face with Johnny, he was stunned.

"Nice makeup, man, but is it reeeallly necessary? When you sweat, that will come off." Baraka gripped his fists and blades came out, making the actor drop his jaw. "Whoa!"

"They will taste your obnoxious flesh!" Baraka snarled at Johnny. When Shang Tsung yelled the command to fight, Baraka immediately ran towards Johnny, the latter running back in response. Baraka finally grabbed Johnny and used his blades to attack him, and it made a splash of blood trickle to some of Johnny's clothes.

"Hey! This was a thousand dollar suit you just ruined!" Johnny complained, kicking Baraka in the face. That kick was so high, his pants started to rip. The actor ignored that, since his suit was already destroyed, and just blocked until Baraka's arms got tired, giving Johnny the upper hand and winning.

"Even though you made me bleed in my outfit, and that my pants are ripped, I love those blades!" Johnny said in joy. Taking a few deep breaths, he said to the knocked out Baraka, "My producer has got to meet you! We're doing 'Tommy Scissorfists', which is totally not a rip off of 'Edward Scissorhands', and—"

"Congratulations, Mr. Cage," Shang Tsung announced, clearly annoyed by his voice. "Now. Finish him!"

"Finish him? Alright, but I got one question for you." He pointed at the sorcerer's shoes and asked, "What are thooose?!" While some people were face palming themselves, a few were snickering, even some of the spectators.

"No! Kill him!" Shang Tsung corrected, glaring at the actor. Surprised, Johnny looked at the other kombatants, who would look at him in disappointment, including Sub-Zero shaking his head.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a sec! I'm not gonna kill anyone! What is this, Mortal Kombat?!" By now, everyone looked pissed by Johnny's stupidity.

"It is Mortal Kombat, you dimwit!" Shang Tsung barked, standing up from his chair. "The tournament will begin at dawn! Please try not to get lost in my island." Everyone started to leave, while Johnny stands there confused.

"What, that's it? Really? Well, this was easy!" He turned around, rubbing his hands together. "Now, where'd that hottie go? I'm ready for a high quality dinner with her." As the actor was about to go find the blonde, he was stopped by Raiden and Liu.

"You fought well, even if your attire is out of place," Raiden said honestly to Johnny.

"Thanks," Johnny replied. "Nice hat. Is that cosplay?" Liu glared at the actor.

"You should be more respectful of Lord Raiden. He is the Protector of Earthrealm, the God of Thunder, and the—"

"Liu Kang, don't tell him the last one!" Raiden warned. His pupil looked at Raiden curiously.

"What? I was going to say you are the—" Liu stated before being interrupted.

"Look," Johnny said, "I don't know what kind of role-playing you guys are into, but count me out." The Shaolin warrior prevented Johnny from going anyway, glaring at him once again.

"This tournament is more than a chance for personal glory," Liu explained. "We are fighting for the very survival of Earthrealm."

"Are you on crack or something?" Johnny asked Liu. The latter was on the verge of punching the actor, but Raiden grabbed his arm, explaining to the actor,

"Your last opponent was Tarkatan. He was born with those blades."

"Yeah," Johnny said sarcastically. "Those things are real. How did he not tear his mother from the birth canal if that's real?" Raiden was speechless from that absurd question, and Liu lost his anger as his expression changed into confusion. While a couple of the spectators helped Baraka up, Raiden continued,

"He represents Outworld. Had you lost, the emperor Shao Kahn would have come one step closer to physically absorbing our world into his, and we would probably kill you for doing so, so be glad you ironically won."

"Outworld, yeah right, right... Plus, you would be sued if you kill me. Just saying." Liu's eyes narrowed to Johnny's arrogance and ignorance.

"The Elder Gods created the Mortal Kombat tournament to give Earthrealm a chance to defend itself," Raiden explained. "But if we lose, Shao Kahn will conquer all."

While raising his arms, Johnny staggered them up as he said, "Dun Dun Dunnnn! Look, guys. I'm an actor. I save the world for the cameras. If this emperor is a threat, call the military. Me? I gotta go pork— I mean I've got a date with a blonde. Ciao!" Giving Raiden a pat on the shoulder, Johnny left the arena.

"Oh, that's it you son of a—" Liu snarled at Johnny, heading to him, but Raiden grabbed his arm quickly before he could do anything to the actor. "What do you see in that narcissistic asshat?" he asked Raiden. The Thunder God let go of Liu's arm as soon as Johnny left for good.

"Watch your language, Liu Kang," Raiden suggested to his pupil, crossing his arms. "He is a hero, though he may not know it yet. Then again, if he doesn't know it by then, then we're going to be screwed."


Somewhere on Shang Tsung's island, the blonde from earlier had a walkie-talkie in hand, trying to get a signal. Even being at one of the highest points in the island isn't helping her.

"...triangulating your signal for evac but... there is no island..."

"You idiot, I'm standing on it as we speak!" Sonya said to the man. "Just lock it on my wrist comm!"

"Understood. What is your current status?" Before the young woman could reply back, Johnny managed to find her for about an hour and started to walk up to the blonde.

"They have Jax. And if I don't fight in this crazy tournament, they'll put him in drag and kill him. I'm gonna try to—"

"Need help?" Johnny interrupted. "I specialize in rescuing damsels in distress, especially hot ones like you."

"You again," Sonya said with no amuse. Trying to be nice, she said to him, "Look. I've got serious problems here. I'm in no mood to be hit on by some movie star. Sure you're hot, but I'm busy as hell."

"C'mon. A girl like you shouldn't be wandering around this freak show alone." Sonya sighed and walked past him, but Johnny, surprisingly being a gentleman for once, grabbed her by the arm and said in worry, "Look, baby. I can't let you run loose without an escort." Sonya, reaching at her limits, shoved his arm away, punching his gut and landing a light uppercut on the actor's jaw.

"I don't need an 'escort'. And I'm sure as hell not your 'baby'!" Johnny stood up, and realized she wanted a fight. Johnny, being exhausted from the two fights from earlier and having to walk high and low to find her, refused. But then out of acting instincts, he beat her with a punch. While she did put up a good fight, Johnny managed to stop her, and as she landed on the ground, Johnny said to her,

"Not bad for a... girl," he said carefully, not trying to be sexist. "Look, sorry about that." He reached out a hand for her, but Sonya slapped it away, glaring at him.

"I don't need your help." Johnny raised his hands in defense.

"Fine. You do you, I'll do me, and we won't do each other... Hopefully."

"Good idea!" a bearded man said, throwing Johnny away. According to Sonya, that was Kano, the man she was looking for. The actor yelled, and he disappeared like that. "Now that he softened you up, it's my turn!"

"Not man enough for a fair fight?" Sonya asked, trying to get up.

"I don't do 'fair'," Kano stated, starting to beat up Sonya. "No need to get up, love." From below, Johnny still hangs on. "So tell me..." Kano continues on, while the implied beat up continues, "how are things at Command?"

"Bastard!" Sonya groaned. Johnny started to slowly get back up, while Kano replies,

"Gullible bitch. Just had to point you in the wrong direction. Couldn'ta done it without ya!" When he was getting tired of using his lasers at Sonya, she glared up at him and said,

"S-F is on the way. You won't get far."

"Oh, I got a knack for survival," Kano remarked. "Have you seen The Hunger Games? It's something like that. You, on the other hand, are gonna die here." With an awesome somersault in the air with cue music, Johnny got back up.

"Step away from the lady!" he said to Kano. The actor started swipe his sleeves smoothly, which is pointless because his outfit is already ruined. "Fans think my moves are all wire work and special effects. Truth is... I am the special effects."

Kano laughed manically. "What, are you gonna green screen me to death?!" Johnny sneaked closed to the Australian and punched him in the balls, then grabbed him with a strong punch, and another hit in the nuts. With multiple kicks, Johnny managed to defeat Kano in a flawless victory. That's what he deserved for trying to get Johnny's lady, even though it's not canon... yet.

"Throw that on your... barby... Shrimp..."

"Thanks," Sonya said to Johnny.

"No problem," Johnny replied. "Who is that Aussie creep?" He let out a hand to her, but moved it back due to her last rejection. However, she revealed a small smile and let out her hand, so he helped her up.

"His name is Kano," Sonya said. "He was an informant in our Black Dragon investigation. Big time arms dealer. Turns out he was their leader, giving us the runaround and trolling us. Lot of our guys got killed because of him."

"So you're not cosplaying as a sexy officer? You're actual military?" Johnny asked.

"Special Forces," Sonya emphasized.

"Get out!" Johnny said in awe. "So you know about this 'threat of the world' stuff, right? Raiden called in the cavalry."

"Raiden? No idea who you're talking about," Sonya said truthfully.

"He's the guy with the straw hat. You really didn't see him?" Johnny asked while Sonya looked behind them, seeing that Kano disappeared. "He can't be that far."

"He'll have to wait," Sonya suggested. "I appreciate your help, Cage..."

"Johnny," the actor said his name, shaking his hand with Sonya.

"...but right now I've got things to take care of. My C.O. is locked up on this confusing island somewhere. I have to find him before they dress him in drag and kill him." After explaining her hurry, Sonya left, while Johnny watched. He grinned in a totally not creepy way.

"Now, I gotta go change," Johnny announced, turning back to realize it's a dead end. He looked around, trying to find the exit. "Question is: where do I find a hotel?"


Don't worry; I know why Liu Kang's a zombie in the first timeline. XD And since the MKX story made it to Johnny finding out he has the Mediterranean war cult powers in that game, he's not gonna have them in this parody. :P I remember what a prick he was in this game, but he's a lovable prick. Then he became easily one of the best dads in gaming. So, there you have it. Don't forget to leave a favorite, follow, and review! I'll be looking forward to your responses! :)