The Vampire Relationship Guide Volume one: Getting together & Copulating (Percy Jackson style)
Summary: Alisia is an average girl who just wants one thing out of life—to have a sexy vampire boyfriend. When she receives an invitation to a party thrown by one of South Carolinas richest vamps, she doesn't stop to question her luck; she just jumps into her favorite ensemble and heads out to the party of a lifetime, secretly hoping that she'll come home with the ultimate party favor.
But the mysterious undead aren't just pointy toothed hotties waiting to satisfy Alisia's vivid imagination—they are dangerous. With a single-minded focus on fulfilling her own scripted fantasies. Alisia has unwittingly propelled herself into the twisted world of vampire relationships with no one to guide her, because let's be honest the twilight saga doesn't count as a guidebook.
Disclaimer: I do not own the Heroes of Olympus series nor the Percy Jackson and the Olympians series or The Vampire Relationship Guide series. Rick Riordan and Evelyn Lafont.
Part 1—How to Meet a Vampire Human
Have you ever had an incomprehensible attraction to a certain type of person? Maybe you fawn over blonds, or men over five foot six make your knees wobbly. For me, it's vampires. Just knowing that someone is a little fine pointed and favors a neck bite over a brownie bite reduces me to a blubbering mass of heat.
Why vampires? Well, let's be real here; they are all—each and every one—extremely sexy. Modern books and movies get the idea right. Vampire have perfect complexions; they down get dark circles under their eyes; they don't have to deal with dandruff or sores; vampires never get wrinkled, pimpled, or saggy—they were forever perky. Not to mention that fact that vampires take creating other vamps seriously. Who would you pick to turn into an undead hottie your average looking run-of-the-mill human—or the drop dead gorgeous?
Unfortunately, by the time I reached my twenty-first birthday I had yet to meet a single, dateable male vampire. By this point I'm seriously considering trekking the lesbian highway, I get enough looks thrown my way. Since I'm still in school the unmarried male vampires I meet are practically none existent, having class during the day and going to an all-girl school sort of cut my chances in half and my job doesn't help either. Since I work part-time at a bridal shop the unmarried male vampires that I have met have are meeting up with their personal ball-an-chains. Since vampires marry often enough to make it a little less special each time and the wedding are really only for their human lovers and their families.
I was mourning my bad fortune while working one evening when Hermes—a married vampire, associate, and mailman—stopped in to deliver the evening's mail. I heard the ringing of bells from above the bridal shop door just as I finished hanging up the wedding dress from hell a fuchsia pink nightmare that had just been tried on this morning.
I put on my Hello, yes—I am Alisia, your nerdy bridal shop employee smile-grimace only to come face to face with Hermes carrying his mail bag and staring attentively as he separated out the mail that was for us and that was for our neighbor, Pizza Hut.
"Hey, Hermes. How's it going tonight?" Hermes and I had an almost matching conversation every evening. I loved talking to Hermes; he was about 5'7" with blue eyes and black curly hair. In life, he had been a traveler of sorts who occasionally would indulge in one of his most cherished hobbies—theft—but he never seemed to lose his sense of humor or his laid back personality.
"Alright, Alisia. How's life with the bridezillas?" I knew Hermes didn't actually care about how business was. He also didn't care about weddings in general, his own wedding had turned him off to any of the details this job entailed. Hermes had been married for thirty years to his wife, May. She was his sixty-sixth bride, showing that even vampires can be of the marrying kind.
"Same old same old. Unfortunately I'm here working today of all days. Happy Birthday to me?"
"Congratulations on your special day! I didn't get you too much, except this cheese cake from the Cheese Cake Man. Oh, but hey—I've got you something fun to do tomorrow night as well. We'll call it an extra special birthday gift from me."
"Cake…gimme." My mouth was practically watering he'd gotten me a cheese cake form The Cheese Cake Man, I was practically in heaven. Grinning at my expression Hermes handed me the 12' by 12' box—I nearly cried when I opened it. This was the largest size the owner would sell when it came to his wears.
"Have I ever told you that I love you Hermes?" I moaned appreciate as I took a bite with the fork he handed me. "So what's so special about tomorrow night?"
"I guess you wouldn't have heard, would you? Minos is back in town. He's an old acquaintance of mine, going back for about seven centuries. His friends are throwing him a big bash over at his new place on Gregg Park. I can't attend me and wife are going to have some 'us' time. So…why don't you go in my place?"
Minos Kirwin King was on the vampires most eligible bachelors list as one of the most richest, good looking vampires ever to make South Carolina their home. He was famous, sexy (not that I actually know what he looks like), and super successful. Naturally, I was stoked and about to have a fangirl moment all up in here just form the excitement. "Hermes that would be fantastic!"
The time I spent on my part-time job at the shop had afforded me the knowledge of exactly how to meet single vampires. Through my many grueling conversations with successful bridezillas-to-be I had it on good author that parties were the best way to meet hot vampire bachelors. Unfortunately, I'm not really fashionable enough to know about these kinds of events—because let's face it this is the first year of my life when I can legally drink. That and vampires live extremely long lives while consecutively gathering a great deal of capital, and the wealthy and beautiful are a bit out of my league.
This meant that I was Charlie and Hermes was the chocolate bar that was giving me my very own ticket to Willy Wonka's chocolate factory. My eyes were starting to glaze over at the very thought of it. I imagined myself as a curvier, skinnier version of Ariana Grande moving through I stream of vampire testosterone trying to jump anyone that fit my fancy.
During my sugar induced haze, Hermes rooted around in his bag for a while and finally pulled out a cream colored envelope with a torn flap. He handed it to me and I took it in my hand like it was god's gift to womankind.
"Hermes if you weren't married—and I didn't love your wife's cookies—I would kiss you right now." I breathed the words as if speaking them out loud would end some wonderful dream.
Hermes chuckled "Alisia, you know that's just the envelope, right? You haven't actually taken the invitation out yet."
I squealed with joy and slowly ran my finger into the envelope and felt the hard edges of the invitation card. I eased it out, wanting the excitement to last as long as possible.
Eventually I had the whole card removed and I closed my eyes to steady my rabidly beating heart before taking a peek. I looked down and found a simple card in ivory with gold script text announcing the party of Minos Kirwin King. Tomorrow night, 8 PM. I shivered with glee.
I don't really know how long I stood there slowly tugging the card out of the envelope, devouring it with my eyes, and then slowly easing it back into the folded paper container, but when I glanced up Hermes was holding back laughter.
"You're so adorable when you're excited. So, I, uh, guess I gave the invite to the right person. When you attend tomorrow you tell Minos that I send my regards."
Now he had done it. Hermes had charged me with a task that meant I couldn't spend my night standing against the wall like the miniature wallflower I am. Instead, I simply had to talk to Mr. Rich, Single, and totally out of my league.
But first, I had to search the wasteland that was my closet.