'Ello, this is The Sarcasm Master, and this is a gift for ChrisMcLean-Cody-Duncan-TD for a "Summer Secret Santa." Because why not, amirite? Now, with my...reputation when it comes to Chris in my stories, I think it's safe to say that this should be QUITE a bit of fun. Anyways, let's get this started!


"Chris. Chris. I know you can hear me, Chris. Christopher Robin McLean, this is your MOTHER speaking. I KNOW you can hear me. What kind of idiot even doesn't respond on the phone but leaves it on? And don't pull any of that 'connection is breaking up' crap. I've been there and done that; it's worse than a cliche.

"Chris. Answer me this instant. What did you do, how did you fuck up this time, and am I going to have to bail you out of it again? You can't keep putting this off, son. You know as well as I do that this industry is killer. And what was that rumor I heard about you killing someone? Do I have to call Chef again? God, I don't know what that boy sees in you. You're a wreck! Also, I know you're sitting in a county jail in Austin, Texas right now, I saw the news. But that fucking news reporter former contestant of yours-Sierra, was it?-kept going off about random tangents and I didn't actually learn anything."

"Chris. Chris. You're wasting your time ignoring me. You know I won't stop until you tell me exactly what happened."

"Chris."

"Chris."

Chris groaned and yelled into the mic. "OH MY GOD, WHY ARE YOU SO PERSISTENT?" He took a deep breath, calming himself as he drummed his fingers on the cold hard table. It was true, he was in the county jail for the night.

The lady on the other end snapped right back at him. "Because you're my son, and I'll be damned if I let you wither away due to some fickle-ass tabloid-attracting moronic and ridiculous scandal! So if you can't tell me exactly what you did, you leave me no other choice."

Chris whined. "But Mooooooom..."

"No buts! You've proven that you can blow me off just as much as you blow your co-host!"

"WHAT?"

"You heard me! I'm coming over there, and I'm bringing company!"

Chris struggled to compose himself and keep from smashing the phone to tiny bits and pieces. "Okay, okay...but why do you need to bring someone else?" Chris cleared his throat and put on his innocent voice. "Don't you twust your widdle Chrissy?"

"Nope."

"Fuck you."

"Likewise."

Chris's mom, henceforth to be known as Alice, cleared her throat. "Well, I'd best be going. Tidy up best you can before we arrive. Don't get hair gel withdrawals."

"Mom, that was one time-"

"You were quaking on the floor, scratching your head constantly like a madman! I didn't know hair could HAVE that much dandruff in it-"

"OH MY GOD JUST GET OVER HERE AND GET THIS OVER WITH WOULD YOU?" Chris yelled, and with a childish fury, slammed the phone down, officially hanging up.

The host with the most sighed, slumping in the cold stone chair. Alice would probably break a few driving laws herself while coming to see him. He could guess as to who exactly she was bringing along with her to confirm the story. And Chris knew that every story would differ to the person telling it. That was the way of things. People would embellish, see things differently, and outright lie. Fun stuff.

Half an hour passed, and the small old lady with a handbag and high heels calling herself Mrs. McLean strode down to Chris's cell in high heels. Flanking her were two very familiar faces to Chris. Well, Chef was the most familiar face (insert crack from Alice here about how that's not the only thing Chris was familiar with), you know, considering they'd worked together for years on Total Drama.

To the other side of Alice was Blaineley/Mildred, whose face was drawn into a scowl. Which really looked weird with the Botox. It kinda freaked everyone out to look at it.

The three stood in front of the cell. Alice cleared her throat.

"Now, I understand you three all had something to do with last night's incident. Here's the way this is going to work. Each of you will tell your version of events. I'll decide which one I believe after you're all done. You will NOT interrupt people while they are talking. CLEAR?" she yelled, shifting her glare from Blaineley, then to Chef, then to Chris. ALl three nodded and murmured in vague agreement."

Alice looked directly at Chris. "Alright son. You're first. Tell me what happened last night."

Chris glanced to his mother, to Chef, to Blaineley, and back. He cleared his throat. "Alright. Let's begin."


I'm not sure if you guys are aware of this, but I'm kind of a big deal in the reality TV biz. I mean, Chef knows. Blaineley knows. Total Drama was the hit I've been looking for.

Didn't you host like a girly ice skating show before that or-

MOM SAID NO TALKING.

Anyway, I recently managed to smile and bluff my way through a major conference! The result? Indefinite seasons of Total Drama planned, and the next FIVE scheduled! Also, I got to use some of the fine print in the contract to make sure that anyone I wanted to compete HAD to compete. Sure, there were "safety guidelines" I had to follow when dealing with teenagers from now on, but it was minor! I was gonna be paid to do what I do best-torture people!

And oh man did we have ideas. TONS of ideas for future seasons. A jail, a season where all three generations compete on Pahkitew, two consecutive seasons involving EVERY Total Drama contestant, the two winners of each season duking it out to become the indisputed Total Drama champion! MAN, it was gonna be good!

So naturally, I decided to take a few drinks in victory with my buddy Chef. Blaineley was also at the bar to celebrate because she'd been excluded from the contract requiring her to compete, because we all know her even competing in the first place was a fluke and totally unnecessary for World Tour bar using up a few episodes we had left over because whenever Team Victory lost I'd have it be an elimination challenge.

So the three of us were drinking, and having tons of fun. We're making impressions of our former campers. Courtney as a CIT, Noah with his gay little wrist flick and "whatever," and Leonard's wizard powers. That's when I noticed Blaineley was kinda checkin' me out. Now normally, I'd never even CONSIDER going for that, but eh, I was drunk. She was totally into me and we made out a little. She wanted more though, I could TELL. But I decided not to. Could be a scandal.

I think Chef was a bit jealous. So I decided to move the game towards imitating each other. I imitated Chef, walked into the kitchen, and took a huge-ass knife. I don't honestly see why people were so freaked out. I was only doing an imitation. But anyway, I'm lugging this huge knife around, and I'm not doing anything with it! But people start running away screaming for whatever reason and I nearly fall on the own blade. THAT was terrifying. I was about to vomit but I kept it in.

The bartender yelled at me to get out, but I'd done nothing wrong! So I just told him that I was a reality TV host and that all the problems could be fixed. Also that he should give me another five shots for free because I'm a celebrity and shouldn't be expected to pay for things.

The dude literally kicked me out of the bar! It was disgusting. Well, I may have gotten a little...heated...and the cops may have been called. Blaineley and Chef tried to help but they were completely useless, per usual.

So naturally I don't want to spend the night in jail, and this one cop lady was really hot, so I tried to work out an arrangement. She...didn't appreciate it, and that's how I got this bruise. Anyways, I got sent here for a couple of days and hopefully no one is pressing charges. There ya have it.


"That is NOT what happened!" Blaineley protested after Chris had finished his story. "I mean, SOME of it was, but you embellished parts of it, skimmed others, and outright LIED about some."

"Have you met Chris?" Chef asked rhetorically.

"Blaineley," Alice cleared her throat. "I say it's your turn now. I don't trust you much more than Christopher, but I'd still like to hear your version of events."

Blaineley sighed, cleared her throat, and took a deep breath.

"Okay."


Well, Chris got the first part of his story right. Total Drama DID get a helluva lot more seasons! And I was celebrating not having to be on that shitshow any longer. It was moronic that I even got in the show in the first place! At least I didn't have to worry about being called back to that sadistic mess. I could just sit back and enjoy the show!

So the three of us decided to go out for drinks. Chef isn't much of a drinker, and I'd never seen Chris drink before, so I thought it'd be fun to watch. I of course drank in moderation, unlike Chris. So naturally, he decides to take a whole bunch of shots because he's a moron.

He put an arm around my shoulder and started hitting on me while we were in the middle of mocking former contestants. We then started mimicking each other and he did a really...rude imitation of me. Let's just say your son is really pretty crude when drunk. I'm sure you don't want to hear the details, but it was SERIOUSLY offensive.

So after Chris stops trying and failing, he decides he's going to imitate Chef. At least, that's what I thought he was saying. So he starts going around screaming with a knife in his hands! I think he pissed himself in the process, actually. Freaking moron he was. Everyone's freaking out and he's JUST. NOT. STOPPING. Chef tries to stop him but Chris just blows a raspberry in his face.

Then Chris decides to vomit. He vomits all over the floor and nearly slips in it. I nearly puked myself upon seeing it. The bartender started yelling at us. I tried to explain the situation but Chris was going on and on about how he was a god compared to the poor bartender. He still tried to hit on me, sad to say. The bartender literally kicked him out, which was kind of hilarious until he didn't stop. He wanted us to back him up but Chef and I realized that that would just mean we were affiliated with him.

We decided to pretend we had no idea who he was and continue as we were.

Naturally, once the cops show up, he starts hitting on them too. They had to end up knocking him unconscious. I don't remember much more than that.


Chris laughed nervously as his mother shot daggers at him from the other side of the bars. "You're disgusting, son." She sighed. "You had so much potential..."

"Don't pull that card," Chris growled. "It's not like you actually care about that."

"Okay, you got me. I just am getting really tired of bailing you out."

With a clearing of the throat, Alice spun on her heels and turned to Chef. "I've deliberately saved you for last, dear. I'm hoping you can shed some light on this."

Chef rolled his eyes. "Alright then. Here goes nothing."


The story started same as these other two knuckleheads said. We went out drinking, we started imitating contestants then each other. Chris and Blaineley were both slobbering all over each other. I don't know why they're denying it, but it was mutual. Mutually DISGUSTING. Damn, you guys don't even LIKE each other, you both were just horny!

Chris started laughing at me 'cause he thought I was jealous or something, then he went and got a knife and started imitating me. Blaineley thought it was hilarious until he started screaming. He vomited, then Blaineley vomited. The bartender kicked him out. Blaineley fainted soon after.

Chris made the dumbass mistake of hitting on the cop, so they ended up knocking him out. So I realized that I wouldn't have another opportuninty to do so, I took Chris's secret hairspray collection and used it to burn his house down.


It was silent in the jail room as everyone stared blankly at Chef.

"Chef...dear..." Alice began hesitantly. "No one KNEW about Chris's house burning down."

"What?" Chef asked. "I thought everyone already knew?"

Chris's eye twitched. "Chef..."

Chef backed up. "Uhh...Chris's mom? Can we pretend this never happened?"

"Whatever," Alice sighed. "Alright, I believe Chef. Chef, Blaineley, you can go now."

"CHEEEEEEEEEEEEF!" Chris screamed. Chef promptly turned tail and fled, Blaineley close behind him.

Alice placed a hand on the bars, smiling warmly. "Don't worry, I'll take care of this. No matter what...you're still my son."

"Don't pull the guilt card," Chris yawned, resting his chin in his hands.

"Screw you."

As Alice walked away, she stopped a moment and turned to him. "Oh, and Chris?"

"Yeah?"

Alice smiled. "You do something like this again, and I'll be the one to burn your house down."

And with that, the elderly lady exit the jail, leaving her son behind.


Hope you enjoyed!