6Disclaimer: I don't own hetalia.
AN: Soooo here's another chapter.
Lost lost lost lost lost. All lost. It's all lost. It always has been you know. It would have been better… so much better if I had just let myself die all those years ago. I am so tired of existing… so so tired… I want to go back. I want to stop. It's so hard to go on like this… I'm so unhappy. So… blank inside… My body aches with phantom pains… I can feel pain in my chest as sometimes I feel like once again my heart or lungs are ripped from my body but when I clutch my chest there isn't any wound…
I can feel blood clogging my throat, rising but it not actually there…. Even though I think sometimes I can taste that dreaded coppery taste… Sometimes I sit down and I can't get up again. As though my body is made of rock. I watch my beloved nations… they move forward… they still have something to live for… they are the only thing I live for now. One of the only things that make me feel something… the only things besides them that make me feel anymore are the other celestial bodies in this solar system. I hate it all… oh I hate it. I hate that I love them. My nations… if I didn't love them I wouldn't have to get up in the morning. If I didn't care I wouldn't have to hurt so so much…
But that's okay… I'm a planet… I was made to be walked on wasn't I? No matter how much I don't want to go forward I can't stop. The mistakes of my past forever bind me to walk forward even though I have no desire to live anymore. Without my nations, the only reason to live, I likely would have curled into a ball and just sleep… floating aimlessly in space. When they are gone, when this planet is gone, that is likely what I'll do. Maybe billions after billions of years of that I'll want to live again… maybe not. Maybe the universe will end and I'll finally get to die… Finally get the rest I want.
Aren't I depressing…? Yea… I suppose you don't really want to hear a nearly 10 billion year old planet, which you live on, go on about how badly it wants to die. Before you say it no. I'm not 4 billion like your scientists say. I was about 6 billion when Mars attacked me…. Nearly destroying everything. I was reset… and I tinkered with all the results to make sure it remains that way. Humans are so… fragile. Breaking the balance they strive to maintain throws them into chaos so I keep that balance for them.
I don't mind so much… at least doing that keeps me busy. It's good to be busy… I don't want to sink back into the drug addict I had been during that period between the two world wars. It makes me too vulnerable… and for a planet hated and feared as much as I… vulnerability isn't an option. There is much at stake you know. Every time I meet with other planets there is always an attempt on my life. I warn them every time… but every time… I always end up committing another murder. Humans say it's alright in self defense. I don't know about that. Killing isn't something that is ever alright. With each murder I commit another genocide. With each kill in self defense I kill billions with a grab, twist and pull… plucking hearts from chests like apples from branches.
How does it feel… to be so small? Insignificant? To know that I could, accidentally, take your life in a fit of rage. An earthquake. Volcano eruption. Hurricane. Tsunami. Blizzard. It's all me… always me. Blank and angry. That's who I am. What I feel… it's not much of a range is it…? Sometimes I feel a soft warmth in my chest… when I watch my nations. Always back to them. Always back to my children… oh my children… I wonder if it's my fault. Probably is my fault. It's usually my fault.