12Disclaimer: JK Rowling owns Harry Potter and other stuff that you'll recognise. Monty Python performed the Bicycle Repair Man sketch and you'll probably see why that's relevant. The rest is mine, for what it's worth.
Uncle Vernon's moustache twitched as he polished his wand. He'd spent the morning casting a series of complex charms to improve the temperature regulation in 4 Privet Drive, and was proud of the way they'd worked. Now the house reminded him of a fresh spring morning: warm but with an invigorating current in the air. Certainly an improvement on the stifling summer heat outside. Finishing with his wand, he set it aside and picked up a copy of the Daily Prophet to find out what was happening in the wizarding world. Almost as soon as he began reading, however, a knock at the front door disturbed the peace.
Vernon frowned, signed heavily, and took a deep breath.
"BOY!" he shouted. "Answer the door and be quick about it!"
He listened carefully and grunted in satisfaction as he heard the door of the cupboard under the stairs open and small feet scamper to the front of the house.
.oOo.
The door opened to reveal an extraordinary sight: a middle-aged man wearing a bowler hat. He held an umbrella in one hand, despite the scorching sunshine, and in the other hand held a black leather briefcase. He looked down at the raven-haired boy in front of him, taking in the prominent scar, the broken glasses and scruffy old clothes.
"Mr Potter?", he asked. "My name is Smith. May I trouble you for a brief word?"
Harry nodded and moved aside to let the man into the house.
"Do you want to talk to Uncle Vernon?" asked Harry after he closed the door.
"That would be ideal", replied Smith, and followed as Harry led the way to the living room.
.oOo.
"Uncle Vernon?", said Harry quietly, "There's a Mr Smith here to see us."
"Us?" replied Vernon haughtily. "What interest could anyone possibly have in you?"
Harry said nothing and it was left to Mr Smith to step in.
"Actually Mr Dursley, I am very interested indeed in young Harry. Might we sit down so I can explain?"
Vernon harumphed but gestured to the sofa, and Smith and Harry sat down.
"Tell me Harry", said Smith. "Have you ever had any accidental outbreaks of common sense?"
"Pah!" exclaimed Uncle Vernon, his moustache quivering with amusement. "Ever? More like all the ruddy time!"
Smith raised an eyebrow and regarded Harry more intently. "Perhaps you could tell me about some instances?"
Harry glanced nervously at Uncle Vernon.
"There was one time when a boy at school was bullying Dudley and me...", he started.
"NO!" roared Vernon.
"Mr Dursley, I really must insist.", said Mr Smith. "Go on, Harry".
Harry looked nervously between the two adults, and swallowed before continuing.
"This guy at school kept casting curses on Dudley. Dudley would curse him back and it just kept getting worse and worse. So I got them both together, talked to them a bit, and they shook hands and agreed to stop cursing each other".
"And why did you do that?", asked Mr Smith.
"It seemed..." Harry broke off and looked at Uncle Vernon. "They were only going to hurt each other eventually. It seemed like common sense."
He ducked his head and seemed to shrink in on himself.
"YOU SEE?", roared Vernon. "How are we supposed to deal with a creature like this? Dudley should have used stronger and stronger curses until he and the other boy developed a life-long hatred for each other!"
Smith made a quietening gesture at Vernon, then sat back into his seat and seemed to think for a few moments.
"Would you mind", he asked, "if I posed a few questions. To both of you?"
Harry nodded, wide-eyed. Vernon made a sound that sounded something like "phwah", which Smith took as a "Yes".
Smith steepled his fingers and pressed them to his lips for a moment, then appeared to reach a decision. He lowered his hands and asked, "Let us say you had an object of immense value. One that was desperately desired by a powerful and evil wizard. What would be the best place to keep it safe? Harry?"
Harry thought for a moment. "A bank? Or maybe an army base? If the evil wizard could use it, why not even destroy it? I suppose it depends on what the object is."
Vernon let out a bark of amazed laughter. "Preposterous! A school would obviously be the best place! Teachers would easily look after it, and no wizard would ever attack school children." He turned and sneered at Harry, who looked ready to cry, but just stared at his feet.
"I see", said Smith. "I think I'd prefer your option, Harry."
Harry looked up, amazed, and Vernon looked ready to explode, but Smith forestalled any outburst by asking another question.
"If you were organising a large, illustrious, wizarding tournament for school-age children, what sort of events would you put in to excite the spectators?"
Vernon thought for a moment. "It seems to me that the thrill of spectating is enhanced by not knowing what's happening", he eventually stated. "I'd have an event under water so the spectators can only see the surface. That would be thrilling. Or perhaps something set in a maze where all you can see is hedges. Oh ho! That would be something to see!"
"Mm hmm." Smith seemed unimpressed. "And what about you, Harry?"
"Well..." began Harry hesitantly, "I always like to see what's going on. A duel between two competitors might be a bit predictable though. How about an assault course where you need to use different types of spell to get past the obstacles? That would be fantastic!"
Uncle Vernon let out a grunt of disapproval while Smith looked thoughtful.
"One more question", he said. "Imagine a wizarding school, where one group of students was continually insulted and denigrated purely because of their background. What should the teachers do?"
Harry's face darkened. "Bullying is wrong", he said. "The teachers should stop it and punish the bullies."
Vernon disagreed. "Bah. Ignore it. Children will be children. The teachers should punish anyone who whines about it. Teach them to grow a spine. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, after all."
He paused and looked thoughtful for a moment. "Well... the word crucio can hurt, I suppose. And a bone-breaking curse can break bones, obviously. Still. You know what I mean."
Smith raised an eyebrow and stared at Vernon for a moment, then rolled his eyes.
"Well I've heard enough that I can tell you why Harry is so different."
Harry looked up, wide-eyed, while Vernon looked dubious.
Smith fixed Harry's stare with his own.
"You're a muggle, Harry."
There was a pause. Then Vernon exploded.
"That's ridiculous!" he roared. "There are no such things as people who can't use magic. There are just witches and wizards who aren't very good at it!"
"No, Mr Dursley. There aren't many, but I guarantee you that there are people in this world who can perform no charm, transfigure no object, brew no potion or indeed perform any spell, cantrip or incantation. I myself have no magic whatsoever. I left the wizarding world on my 11th birthday and have worked for the muggle government since I turned 18."
"Would I have to work in government?" asked Harry.
"Not at all", replied Smith. "You might be a scientist, a teacher... even an accountant."
Harry's eyes widened at this, while Uncle Vernon's jaw fell open.
"What happens now?" asked Harry.
"You have been enrolled at the London School of Sense and Mundanity", said Smith. If you accept the position you will study muggle subjects such as mathematics, geography, history and so on. You will stay at the school during term time, and may return home during the holidays or, if you prefer, may procure a mundane job of some kind to earn a little money. It would be up to you and your guardians."
"Anything that keeps him away from here suits me fine," muttered Vernon.
Harry looked lost in thought for a moment. "But how can I be a muggle?" he asked at last. "My parents were both great wizards and were killed by a dark lord when I was a baby."
Silence deepened over the room for some moments before a strange noise made itself heard. It took Harry and Vernon a second or two to work out what was happening, but both realised the truth at the same time. To their astonishment, Smith was laughing! Tears streamed down his face as he pounded his knee with one hand, totally unable to control himself.
Eventually, the man regained his iron self-control and wiped his eyes with a white handkerchief from his breast pocket.
"Forgive me", he said in a slightly embarrassed tone. "The idea that James and Lily Potter were wizards is just..." Smith coughed slightly and continued. "James Potter was one of the greatest quantity surveyors our world has ever seen, and Lily was a supremely gifted middle manager. They could no more cast a spell than Mr Dursley here could program a video recorder."
"Uncle Vernon?" Harry was finally looking directly at his uncle. "Please can I go and be a muggle?"
Vernon looked down at the boy. In his heart he had always known the young man wasn't a wizard. Maybe it was for the best.
"Go on then", he sighed. "Just... keep in touch."
Harry looked stunned for a moment, then launched himself at his uncle to give him a huge hug. "Thank you! Thank you!" he squealed.
.oOo.
A short while later, Harry stood on the doorstep of 4 Privet Drive and bade goodbye to his aunt, uncle and cousin. His dreams were finally coming true. He was leaving behind a world of magic, potions and sorcery to live with bankers, accountants and managers. All was well.